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Shidou Ryusei is not ignorant of the fact that it sometimes requires more maintenance being in a a “low maintenance” relationship–especially with someone like Itoshi Sae.
More often than not, there are nights when Shidou Ryusei sleeplessly tosses and turns around his bed and dreams about the promise that Itoshi Sae would entertain him with a goodnight call. Ryusei would fidget expectantly for even the thought of a text–although his own messages are left on delivered, he still can’t help but trust that promise.
And tonight might be worth all the waiting he’s gone through, because Ryusei’s phone abruptly rings, its tone for Sae is specifically unique from his default one.
Once, twice, thrice—then he’s already answering, the sound of his heart momentarily echoing. “Let’s go on a date.” This late at night? Ryusei wants to ask. Fuck yeah. Yet, he’s already answered his own inner voice. “Oh? Am I hearing this right-” Ryusei’s voice is filled with excitement already; however, Sae cuts in. “I’ll rephrase it: we will go on a date.” Ryusei hears rushed footsteps from Sae’s end, along with crowds of voices sounding farther. “Now? It’s way past your curfew, babe.” Shidou has an arm resting on his forehead as he lets a grin reach his eyes. “What are you talking about?” Ryusei sheepishly shrugs, “Nothing, nothing. Thought you were joking around.”
“Got it! A date right now, see you, babe~” With an embarrassed laugh, he ends the call.
A sigh is falls onto Ryusei’s bedsheets as he stares momentarily, his wrinkled eyes hazed with a bittersweet wetness he’s not sure will go away anytime soon. Nonetheless, his body acts unfazed; hurriedly standing in front of his closet, scavenging through for something to wear. After taking an egoistic glance at himself in his mirror, Ryusei smirks at such a simple outfit, and wonders what Sae could be wearing. With another deep breath, Ryusei takes his phone from under his blankets to rush down the stairs of his apartment building. Once met with the chilly winds of Japan's autumn, Ryusei begins to walk to his destination—
That he does not know of.
“Holy shit.” Ryusei blinks, realizing that his dismissal ended up stripping him of crucial information. Hastily unlocking his phone, he calls Sae’s number. Once, twice, thrice—then the phone answers again. “Hey…” Ryusei practically mumbles, biting his tongue childishly. The other end does not speak at all, leaving Ryusei so dumbfounded that a small blush warms his tanned cheeks. “You’re unbelievable.” A raspy sigh is heard, too clearly and loudly for a phone’s speaker.
“Look behind you?” Then, the call ends.
Suddenly, the bittersweet churn in his stomach is gone, as it's now replaced with relief. The cold winds help Ryusei’s blush spread through his face faster, and the sight of Sae as soon as he turns around makes him comically ecstatic. “Sae-chan!” Ryusei jumps towards him, leaving Sae with no choice but to carry his weight.
Strong arms embrace each other’s bodies tightly like never before, cherishing the moment as if they will never again live the moment.
A tight, tight hug from them both.
Ryusei is a little confused; he’s shockingly not used to the act of Sae, his own lover, reciprocating. Back then, Sae would pry Ryusei off of him, no matter the time of day, no matter the crowd. The flame of their love is lit and nurtured by Ryusei most of the time–or at least, that’s what it feels like. Being agreed upon as the clingy one, Ryusei is inevitably reaching, initiating, and having his heart visible. He’s used to the hidden touches–the ones that are barely felt but leave a warm feeling–the kind of intimacy only Sae has to offer.
Ryusei has loved to adore it, in a way.
Yet tonight, Sae’s hands are unpredictable, because Ryusei feels the tightest grip from Sae trying to grasp at his entire being, even if their clothes separate them.
Sae’s cheek is cold on Ryusei’s neck, finding that addictive warmth they share. Sae presses his cheek further on the crook of Ryusei’s neck, stealing the lightest of kisses.“I didn’t expect you’d go here!” Ryusei starts, and despite already being lowered back on the ground, he doesn’t stop his embrace of Sae. “You hung up as quickly as I called you.” Ryusei’s laugh is ticklish on Sae’s ear, a slow breath of air making its way to his cheek, before a kiss leaves an even warmer mark on his skin.
“I got too excited.” Ryusei giggles, hastily chasing another kiss on Sae’s cheek, exaggerating this time with a rather loud peck. Sae’s face visibly goes sour, yet his features aren’t as sharp from what Ryusei remembers. Perhaps out of habit, Ryusei lets his body free from the other, playfully dusting off Sae’s clothes.
“Formal wear, babe? You taking me out on a fancy date or something?” It’s a half-hearted tease with no other meaning, because Ryusei knows Sae too much. “Well, tell me which old man pissed my Sae-chan off for him to ditch.” Mindlessly, he reaches for Sae’s slicked-back hair, testing his fingers through the layers of wax that kept his bangs from falling down. “It’s not that,” Sae flinches when Ryusei’s finger is caught by his hair, and he mumbles an apology with a curious hum. “You didn’t know anything at all, dumbass.” Sae slouches with a groan when Ryusei continues to ruffle his hair in an attempt to fix it.
“I just wanted to- well,” Finding the words to explain, Sae lowers his eyes attentively when Ryusei’s fingertips become softer to the touch, fixated on the moment. “You missed me so much that you wanted to see me?” Ryusei relaxes his eyebrows, eyes crescent.
“Yes. It’s that.” Sae blinks repeatedly, fanning the heat that reaches his nose.
“Huh? Really??” Ryusei doesn’t blink, his eyes wide with his mouth twitching into a smile.
“You’re unbelievable, Ryu.” Suddenly, he’s being dragged by the arm with a tighter grip. They walk quickly, giving Ryusei the time to calm his thumping heart and Sae to hide his flushed face.
Arms ghost beside one another as comfortable silence is what they’ve grown accustomed to. More so for Ryusei than Sae. Despite it, Ryusei doesn’t fight the urge to talk. “Where to, Mr. Romantic?” Seeing that the street lights illuminated Sae’s reaction, Ryusei anticipates further. “I don’t know too. Are you down for a walk?” Ryusei approves in an instant, making the most of the night. “Let’s make the konbini our stop, yeah? It’s like 15 minutes from here. 7 if we make a run for it.” Sae only glares at him, to which he bites a laugh. “Right, we’re walking.” Ryusei muses, closing the distance to ruffle Sae’s hair another time. Finally, strands of hair fall over Sae’s cheek, right where it should be—although messier than Sae would like. Sae’s slicked bangs are now free, still barely reaching his forehead, but less rigid than a moment ago. Perhaps at this point, Sae should be getting irritated by his obnoxious hands ruffling every bit of his scalp, but he doesn’t. Instead, he reaches for Ryusei’s hand to his side, warming them as their hands intertwine with one another.
Ryusei’s amusement comes and goes because they’re already nearing the convenience store, fingers loosely holding onto each other. “Ryu, fix my hair.” It's almost said with an unamused pout, and Ryusei turns a deaf ear. “I like it, though! We match.” They do not. Ryusei’s hair is quite messy, but Sae’s is beyond unruly. “You’re lying. I can feel a middle part, and here shouldn’t be one.” Sae sighs, and Ryusei bites the inside of his cheek when he catches the tiniest smile Sae has. Unfortunately, Sae uses his other hand to comb through his hair, knowing his reluctance. “But I think you’re cuter that way, though!” Ryusei gives a brief wink, immediately looking back in front of him the moment the automatic doors of the store open for them.
Almost by instinct, Sae already knows which aisle Ryusei wants to walk to. So he’s already taking his feet there, having Ryusei along as the taller one basks in the convenience store’s air and light. Ryusei doesn’t even notice that his surroundings significantly changed until he hears the crumpling of thin plastic wrappers beside him. “Aw, you remembered what I always get!” He coos, clinging himself onto Sae again, not minding how rowdy it must have sounded at the aisle. “You don’t really get anything else.” Sae shrugs, opting to leave Ryusei’s clinging body in peace. Sae’s arm is filled to the brim with packs of Baby Star ramen, Ryusei only realizes then—nonetheless, it brings warmth up his face.
As if star-struck, Ryusei follows Sae as they move to another aisle, where the abundant stock of frozen goods are stored. “Do you want ice cream?” Sae asks, eyeing a few popsicles that are conveniently meant to be split in two. For a moment, Sae’s knuckles brush over its packaging, before moving to another one. “Nah, ‘s too cold for that shit.” Sae almost looks offended, he can feel it. Sharp teal eyes looking at him from the side are far too obvious in contrast to such eyelashes. “Why’d you ask? Wanted someone to share with, babe?” Coincidence or not, Ryusei helps himself looking at the selection of cheap fruity popsicles. “Doesn’t matter.” Sae scoffs as he’s already decided to grab a pack to share for the two of them. He lets Ryusei hold it as he goes to the other side of the freezer and digs for two more separate popsicles.
“What a sweet tooth, Sae-chan! No wonder you’re so cold all of the time.” Ryusei chuckles, then shudders when the cold treat is frigid against his nape. “These taste good, so shut up.” Once closing the freezer, Sae strides to the cashier counter, one hand holding two packets of ice cream while his other arm acts as a make-shift pouch for the Baby Star ramen. Letting a smile engulf his face, Ryusei skips his steps as he catches up to Sae.
***
It’s silent between them again, only the sound of Ryusei’s chilled exhale from the popsicle they share is relevant. Ryusei is leaning back against the postered wall, looking at distant people passing by while Sae stands beside him, looking up at the clear, starless evening sky.
The feeling isn’t new–nor is the build-up of the date. Ryusei can lie to himself and think the fond night can be stretched until the morning horizon of the next day, and then the next one after that, continuously. He does hope, though. He always does. Yet, Ryusei is unlucky each time. Being faced with an even quieter way back home, only to repeat for the next uncertain moment he is sure to be left wondering about.
“I don’t think I should be missing you this much.” Ryusei hears it, a whisper of a vague confession. Something that has never been murmured under one’s breath. Before he could make sense of the words, Sae questions.
“Do you get it?” Sae asks, almost too innocently for comfort.
“What is that even supposed to mean?” Ryusei answers.
“I don’t know.” Now, Sae is also leaning against the wall, eyes nonchalantly fixated above as Ryusei gawks at him with widened eyes. “You like, don’t like that you’re missing me?” Saying it outright feels disrespectful, yet Ryusei mutters it nonetheless. There’s a slight twist of pain caused by confusion near his stomach and chest–and perhaps it’s the same for the one beside him. “That’s..crazy? I’ve really never met anyone as interesting as you.” Despite it all, Ryusei gives another chance, making light of it all.
“Interesting? How is this interesting-”
“Because I can never understand you!”
When Sae is the one to look at Ryusei, he isn’t looking anywhere but down at his feet. Yet, there’s a smile on Ryusei’s face, one stretched with disbelief and shock altogether, making Sae’s eyes widen as he stiffens his posture.
“I can never understand us, too, you know?” A bittersweet confession is what Ryusei replies with, a voice only Sae is meant to hear. A cold gust of wind engulfs both of them for a moment, and Ryusei glances up at Sae with an addled resolve. “I liked the thrill of chasing you, I still do! But I never thought that it would get to a point where it made me feel... weird.” Ryusei mimics the furrowed eyebrows of the man in front of him unknowingly. “Sometimes, you let me know that you want me, that you need me, Sae.” Ryusei’s body instinctively leans further to Sae, chests nearly touching. “Then the next time, we’re not talking anymore- which is fine! But you can’t be doing that to me all the damn time, it can hurt.” It did hurt.
None of them notice their proximity: Ryusei’s hand gripping the collar of Sae’s suit as his face is twisted with a wistful expression. It smells of fading cologne mixed with the untimely sweet air.
“This wasn’t meant to be an argument,” Sae’s hand clasps over his firmly, forgetting the annoying crumpling of the plastic bag wrapped around his wrist.
“Hah? Then what else?” Ryusei lets go of his grip, taking a deep breath that almost hurts his lungs. “Ryusei-” Sae tries again with a voice that’s almost pleading, yet he doesn’t hear a thing but his pent-up sentiment. “Let me guess, you don’t know?” His voice doesn’t raise, nor does it break–it only asks. Ryusei keeps asking, and asking, and asking.
“Right? If you don’t understand yourself, then how can I?”
“How am I supposed to know why after every date we have like this–where you make me feel the most my body has ever felt–ends with weeks of nothing?”
Itoshi Sae only stands in front of him, eyebrows creating the deepest creases in his skin with no reply to be acknowledged.
He doesn’t know–and he doesn’t have an answer to the pleading frustration.
Although it might not have been the first time, Shidou Ryusei has the answer.
Something he’s willing to fight for, if need be; something to regret, if not possible.