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Right from the start, she was able to foresee how much strenuous effort she would have to exert to adapt to everything. She planned to do it gradually, at her own pace, so that she wouldn’t be too overwhelmed so early in.
She heard and read online about those somehow silent competitions within a group for the center position, and right then, she decided that she didn’t want to take part in any of that mess.
So she remained true to her nature - true to herself - in hopes to avoid the front lines, and retain her position where she could just watch and admire her seniors’ backs. That way, she could fully enjoy her work for as long as she can.
She was already happy and content with her position.
But this is the entertainment industry we’re talking about. It waits for no one and it favors who it favors.
And it didn’t really help that time goes by at the speed of light.
The rename happened.
The debut single was announced.
The center was called.
And she was chosen.
She would be a core representative of the group.
Simply saying, she would be speaking. A lot.
Both the first and second gens congratulated her in their LINE group chat; and of course, in their second-gens-only group chat. Kyoko and Shiho messaged her privately. She was grateful for her seniors’ warm acceptance and support, but if she’s being entirely honest, it brought her more pressure than comfort.
She had no idea how to deal with what she was feeling at the moment.
And for some totally unknown reason - maybe due to impulse or something else entirely - she decided to call Miku that night.
“Center! Congratulations! What’s up?”
She released a silent sigh.
“Hello? Nao? Are you okay?”
She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what she’s trying to accomplish by calling the other girl.
Silence continued on.
“Are you scared?”
It surprised her. She was sobbing and she didn't even notice it until Miku spoke.
"Just let it out. I'll be here."
True enough, she's scared. Everyone would expect so much from her. The members. The management. The fans. The public. Standing in the center, she would be the first person people would most likely lay their eyes on as they officially turn blue. And it's all overwhelming for her. She has had an experience of being the center on a couple of their songs as Hiragana Keyaki, but this is evidently different.
It's a debut single for god's sake. The song that would identify them. She's not even sure if she's strong enough to take on the job. She keeps wondering why they even chose her when she personally feels that there are better candidates for the position.
But she has no choice. It's not like she can reject what has already been assigned to her.
She wants to, but she can't.
She doesn't know what to say to Miku. And just like a whisper from above, the other girl decided to speak again.
“I would just like to let you know that in the past two years, you’ve been nothing short of amazing.”
Miku paused before continuing.
“I know, right now, it’s hard to believe it yourself, but you can do this, Nao.”
Another pause.
“I’m saying this as a co-member and as a friend, but when the front view overwhelms you so much you couldn’t take it anymore, turn around and I’ll be there. We’ll be there. We got you, always.”
“I’m sorry, Miku.” Tears continued to stream down Nao’s face, choking on her tears as she tried to suppress her sobs.
But of course, Miku is one of those members who knows her best.
“You don’t have to say anything. It’s normal to be afraid. Just let it out.”
So she did.
In her silence, she let out her loudest sobs, hoping that her fears and worries would vanish in the air if she did.
In her silence, she communicated her anxiety to her friend, taking hold of the hand that was extended out to her through the phone.
In her silence, she realized that the burden and weight she’s carrying doesn’t have to fall on one shoulder only.
There’s the 20 of them against the world, afterall. Different positions, different roles to play.
And that thought alone made her night a little bit lighter, her thoughts a little more peaceful, and her heart a little more secure.
-----
She cried hard during their first formation announcement back then as Hiragana Keyaki. She was positioned at the back corner, and she had never forgotten that feeling – the embarrassment and disappointment – it felt so horrible that she swore she'd work her ass off to get to the front someday. Before she knew it, she dragged herself as a willing participant in the rapidly brewing competition for the front position.
Over the years, she was working and waiting, improving herself in every aspect where she could see just even a tiny ounce of imperfection. She worked on her skills, engaged in new things, took on countless risks, and tried to persist and dominate in every aspect – embarrassment be damned.
Time went by so slowly for her. Every time she feels like it’s coming, it turns away from her at the very last minute, and those feelings of disappointment would come crawling back fast. Who could blame her? She did have that evident progress throughout the years – starting from corner positions, working through the center position row per row, then back to a corner position in the front row.
That means her efforts and skills are being recognized, right?
Slowly.
But surely.
Because here we are, all of those painstaking waits finally paying off.
5th year. 6th single. Front Row.
Center.
She has just closed the groupchats and finished replying to the private messages from Kato Shiho and Saito Kyoko.
She let out a deep exhale. She has already anticipated this moment for how long. The fans also knew it would come soon. But nothing prepared her for what the exact moment would feel like.
There was happiness, excitement, satisfaction, but there was also pressure, guilt, worry, and the feeling of wanting to hide and run away. There was too much to think about and she couldn't figure out where to start.
Sitting on the floor with her back against the foot of her bed, she finally felt the heaviness that was partly absent when she was still surrounded by the members earlier that day.
She looked around, and the walls of her room suddenly looked so plain, empty and small, like they're closing in on her from all sides. She felt her lungs struggling to maintain regular breathing patterns, accompanied by her heart thumping at an abnormal speed. The silence surrounding her seemed so loud, painfully piercing through her ears. She could feel herself shaking and that's when tears started flowing unconsciously. The pictures on her walls appeared to be spiraling out of control. Her phone fell out of her grasp as she flailed around, trying to find something to ground her – anything – but to no avail. She tried getting up, using her bed as a support, but found it impossible to do so as her arms felt too weak and wobbly. She sat back down and pulled her knees close to her chest. She figured moving around so much would do her worse. Instead, she clenched her fists against her head as she tried to calm herself down.
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.
She lifted her head from her hands, and straightened her legs and back. She stared up at the ceiling and closed her eyes as her breathing started to slow down.
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.
She reached for the glass of water situated on the small table beside her bed. When she had her fill, she took a few more deep breaths.
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.
She looked at her phone lying in front of her, and maybe it's due to impulse or something else entirely, that her fingers moved on their own and pressed the call button beside the name of that one person she knew would understand her the most.
Kosaka Nao.
The sound of the ringing brought her back to her senses as she remembered Nao's supposed to be resting. Calling her at this hour of the night doesn't really help. Before she could put down the call, the ringing stopped as the soft voice and chuckle of her genmate filled her ears.
"Took you long enough. I heard the news. Nibu told me before anyone else. Congratulations, center! It was only a matter of time."
Nao said excitedly.
For a moment, a smile made its way to her face, but it disappeared just as fast. She missed the other girl so much, and this isn't how she imagined her next phone call with Nao would be like. She wanted to talk to Nao about their recent activities, and catch her up on what's happening with the group, and this is certainly not the catching up that she had imagined.
Silence existed for a few minutes.
"Miku, are you okay?"
She didn't know what to say. She didn't even know what she's trying to accomplish by calling the other girl. She was the one who’s supposed to be asking Nao that question, not the other way around.
She released a silent sigh.
This is so stupid.
"You're scared, are you?"
Upon hearing that, she had to tell herself that this is Nao she’s talking to, and Nao knows exactly what she's feeling, because she's been through it before, too. Multiple times.
Tears streamed down her face once again.
"You don't have to say anything, Miku. Let it out. I'll be here."
And yes, of course, she's scared. Sure, she had experiences of being a center when she substituted for Nao a couple of times. Most of those times, they would have their fans as the main audience, those people who know her image and what to expect from her, but this is obviously different.
So this is how it feels like .
She thought of the past singles, and her feelings after each formation announcement; those days she would spend thinking about just how she wasn’t good enough to stand at the front, or how her skills complemented that of the current center’s that’s why she was placed beside them. She’s starting to grow comfortable in that supporting position, and she’s almost embraced it fully – until now.
For a moment, she wished it could be as easy as that.
For a moment, she wished she could go back to those simple times.
But she has waited for so long. She wanted this, and maybe her throbbing head is to be blamed but she couldn’t pinpoint right now what’s making her feel uneasy, like something’s not right.
Pressure? A part of it, definitely.
Her mind drifted off to the girl on the other line. Nao questioned her position the moment she was assigned back then. She hadn't expected it nor wished for it to fall upon her, and Miku thought about how many nights Nao probably spent like this: sitting alone in her room, contemplating her position again and again, getting lost in her own thoughts. How hard it must've been on her part, going and adapting through all that in one whole year. Sometimes, Nao would call her or another member, and they knew what the girl needed at that moment, so in silence they would communicate – a small conversation cutting through every few minutes – till the light of dawn breaks.
She thought about Sasaki Mirei, the senior she enthusiastically looks up to – whose performance always leaves her and everyone else in awe. She's doing it so effortlessly, and Miku knows that she’s someone who’s born to shine no matter the position. That’s why when they called her last during the formation announcement for their first album, she already had that existing spark in her eyes, once again ignited, and it only shined brighter as the rest of the 1st gens circled in around her.
And she thought about Kato Shiho. How her senior fully accepted her position as soon as it was laid in front of her, like she's been preparing for this moment. Sure, she’s heard of her fears and worries, but she knew deep down, standing there beside her, that acceptance and determination far outweighed those feelings. She had a goal set right then – to serve as a dominating presence and leader for the group. She had admired that development from her because she knew she had gotten that strength from one of her closest friends in the group, Sasaki Kumi.
Seeing it all in the closest positions – the strength that Kosaka Nao possesses, the power that Sasaki Mirei holds, and the determination that Kato Shiho displays – she wished that she could have even just a tiny bit of those right now.
In a quiet and hoarse voice, Miku spoke.
“You really are amazing, Nao."
It's true. She has nothing but admiration for the other girl who has had the weight of centering 4 consecutive singles on her shoulders.
“I can only say the same thing about you.”
There was another round of silence before Nao decided to speak again.
“It will be okay. You will be okay. It’s you we’re talking about. You can do it, Miku.”
Silence.
Miku thinks.
Once more.
Everything about their conversation right now reminded her of two years ago when the positions were reversed. She smiled at the similarity of the circumstances. The other girl was just as scared as she is right now, and she tried to be there for Nao during that one phone call, and Nao is doing the same for her two years later.
Oh how much they've grown.
During the past years, she was able to watch Nao from different positions as she worked her way to finally stand side-by-side with her. She was happy to help the girl take off a little bit of that weight she’s been carrying.
“How did you do it?”
Another pause.
Then Nao answered in her usual soft tone.
“Every time the front view overwhelms me, I only need to turn around to remind myself that you girls are here and there with me, that I am not alone in this. You were the one who told me that.”
Her smile gradually faded away as she remembered her own words.
And it all came crashing down on her – the reason why her instincts unanimously decided to call the said girl tonight, all the uneasiness and the missing parts, and why she grew scared of all of this.
When the front view gets so overwhelming that she couldn't take it anymore, Nao wouldn't be there when she turns around. The thought alone makes her feel so lonely. She could only imagine how lonely it could be for the other girl, too.
As if the other girl could read her mind and her silence, she spoke, albeit more quietly than before.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be a part of this. This is such a huge leap for you and I truly wish I could've been there and be a part of it. I am so sorry, Miku."
Miku wanted to tell Nao that there's nothing to be sorry about. Taking a break is nothing to be sorry about, and that she can take it for as long as she wants.
Miku wanted to tell Nao that they're always waiting for her to come back, that she will always have a place in Hinatazaka, waiting for her to claim it again.
Miku wanted to tell Nao that she’s angry. She wanted to tell her that this situation seemed so unfair for both of them, and for the whole group.
Whatever happened to no member gets left behind?
They were surprised when they were all called to the practice room earlier, and the staff told them he’ll be announcing the formation today. No one could say a word as they all didn’t expect the next single to come soon, especially while Nao was still absent.
And Sasaki Kumi knew it right from the start, as she counted the spots being flashed on the screen in front of them. Still, no one said a word until the last member was called – Kanemura Miku. She already had tears in her eyes as she took her place between Saito Kyoko and Kato Shiho, and everyone assumed it was because of the missing girl, but behind all that, she’s confused and angry at the situation.
And Miku wanted to tell Nao that she should've been there beside her in the formation. She wanted to tell her to get the fuck up right now, show up to work tomorrow, and take her place beside her.
Sure - Nao’s her top rival in this group. She wanted to beat Nao in a lot of aspects in the same sense that she wanted to be her biggest supporter. She wanted them to see each other’s wins, small or big.
She wanted to beg her to come back already so they can do this together like they've always had. They're a strong pair after all.
But this is the entertainment industry. It favors who it favors, definitely, but at the end of the day, as they’ve always known, it waits for no one.
All of these thoughts and emotions presented themselves on her shut lips and muffled sobs. She shut her eyes tight and clamped her hand harder over her mouth as another round of desperate tears escaped her eyes, her sobs growing louder.
After a sharp intake of breath, with a shaky voice, all she can mutter was
"You’ll watch me from the back, right?"
Maybe this is enough. For now.
"Always, Miku. Always. I got you."
Miku nodded to herself. A sign of reassurance that she will do this and she can do this. She'll make sure to always bring with her Nao's presence, in hopes of borrowing a little bit of strength from the other girl.
“I want you to do this for you , first and foremost. You’ve worked for this, Miku, and you are more than deserving and capable of the position. The only thing that stands in your way is you . You have to face her first, and the rest will follow. It won’t be easy, and sometimes it’ll feel lonely. In those days, all you had to do was reach out to us.”
Miku nodded once again. This time, as a sign of acceptance.
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.
It's silence once again.
Miku stared up at the ceiling, releasing the last of her heavy breaths.
She closed her eyes, the corner of her lips tugging up to form a small smile.
"What do you say? Next time, perhaps?"
The chuckle heard from the other girl indicated that she knows exactly what Miku is referring to.
"Of course. No doubt about that. We’ll make it happen."
"Too bad it's delayed for now."
Miku said jokingly, and she could just imagine Nao playfully rolling her eyes at what she said.
"Shut up. We know the world's not ready for it."
They both let out a small laugh at that.
True.
They held on to this topic for a few minutes, their minds wandering at the possibility of standing as a pair at the center in the future.
As their laughter died down, Miku spoke once again.
"Thank you, Nao."
"You're welcome. You were there for me before, it's only natural to do the same for you."
Miku smiled once more.
A reminder dawning on her once again – that Hinatazaka is, indeed, a group where they belong, where their worries would vanish at the sight of each member’s backs, where burdens are shared, and everyone thrives in solidarity.
Maybe her fears would never dissipate for as long as she’s in this industry, but the friends she chose to walk with makes everything a little more bearable, and despite all those feelings, she could smile everyday because of these people.
They continued to chat about more casual topics, updating each other on their recent activities and well-being.
With no intention of ending the call, both girls slowly felt sleepiness creep up behind their eyelids.
In the final silence that settled before she entered dreamland, Miku caught Nao's words.
"Goodluck, Miku."