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Kozue jolted awake, panting and shuddering in fear and despair. Her memory of the nightmares was already fading with the seconds that passed, yet a familiar cold presence lingered beneath the sheets of her bed.
Kozue gasped quietly. It wasn't a shock - not anymore - and her muted expression was routine for this particular scene, although she could feel her mask slipping slightly this time around. Her performances has been strong lately, but the shadows of the past couldnt easily be sent backstage.
As she shivered in the cool air of the room, Kozue pulled back the sheets and the evidence of her crime was written in bold. Fabric saturated with urine branded her once again, ridiculing her, reminding her of memories only a miracle would help her forget.
How many years had it been?
Her eyes trailed from the mess in her bed to the floor, across the room, and rested on Miki. Kozue lingered there for a while. Time was becoming redundant, and she could feel herself slipping back into the part of herself that let her be protected and immune to anything that tried to penetrate. Miki was getting a little blurry.
Kozue could have slipped into that part of herself, hiding away from her problems undisturbed and released from the cage in her mind. Despite the ease and safety a mental retreat would bring, Kozue pushed onwards to focus on Miki once again. She had to clean up.
It always seemed he had a sixth sense for her built in, and rarely would Kozue even be able to leave for the bathroom in the night, let alone change all her sheets, without Miki waking up. But she tried anyway.
As her body slid from the bed Kozue gagged her feelings and allowed her thoughts to run free of her restraint. She abandoned her wet pyjamas in favour of the widespread numbness taking control of her body, and allowed the countless memories of her previous endeavors to cloud her brain.
Her body moved of its own accord, muscle memory activating and allowing her to escape to a place for her, and her alone.
But it didn't mean others didn't try to enter that sacred zone.
As predicted, it wasn't long before Miki stirred in his bed, murmuring tiredly under his breath before rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The stage before him wasnt unusual.
Even with Kozue's back was turned, her face hidden from sight, Miki could tell she was out of his reach. Unsteady gait, stiff, jerky movements, a stare that followed a distant path anyone else was unable to see: all signs of Kozue having retreated to a place only she could come back from.
He didn't flinch at Kozue's nude form, it was something he had seen thousands of times thanks to her lack of modesty, but he kept his gaze high and tried to respect her in every way he could as he moved from his own bed.
"Kozue?" Miki said, internally praying for a response, the slightest chance he was wrong and she wasn't so distant. It didn't come. Only more silence. "Go and shower, I'll change your sheets."
There was no acknowledgement, no nod nor statement of acceptance, but turning tail and leaving immediately were more prominent symptoms of her blind, submissive following. Miki sighed as she left, a familiar ache in his chest as he felt unable to help her through this despair.
Thoughts flashed through his brain as he bundled the wet sheets together, moving to dispose of them in the washing hamper. The maids would sort it tomorrow.
Miki could remember when Kozue's bedwetting had started as children. Their parents had been sympathetic at first; changing her sheets, showering her down and tucking her back in. But as the frequency of the accidents increased, their patience and kindness thinned, turning from nurturing to scolding in a matter of days, leaving Kozue to fend for herself. Even more so when even the best doctors could find no medical excuse for her condition, and simply labelled it as an attention seeking behaviour.
He had always helped. It wasn't ideal, of course, but seeing her so broken amd distraught at something her body couldn't seem to control ate away at Miki's heart. He wouldn't have been able to sleep with her moving things around anyway.
As they grew older, it became a routine for the two of them. Kozue's silent struggle, Miki changing the sheets while she showered, then the silence that ruled the interaction. Kozue was thankful, he could tell, and Miki didn't need to be told how much his support meant to her.
Their bodies were developing in various ways yet they were hardly distinguishable, experiences were what set them leagues apart in terms of maturation. While Kozue seemed to always be a few steps ahead of him as children, upon hitting her teens she had raced ahead, leaving him in the sunlit garden with nothing but the music to keep him grounded. As Miki grew his talents and flowered academically, Kozue had become tangled in the web of adulthood. The changes of her body didn't escape Miki, but it was more the drastic uprooting of her personality that had shocked him. His once sweet and meek sister, obedient at his side and eager to please, evolved to a wild animal, unruly and lusting for prey.
Miki had tried to avoid it, at first. Her hypersexual behaviours were nothing less than undignified, the men she subjected herself to, even more so. Yet, it seemed to creep into every aspect of her life. Constantly lounging with unsavory characters in hidden places at school, abusing the music room for lechery, even creeping raunchy relationships onto other student council members. It was a problem staring at him straight down the barrel, yet he was choosing to close his eyes and play roulette with what he decided to believe or not.
Yet, despite Kozue's brash adult behaviours and desperation to grow up, the problem that haunted her childhood was still following her like a cursed ghost.
They were twins. Their bodies and blood the same, their genetics forever intertwined, yet Miki had never suffered such issues. If it wasn't down to genetics, then his mind always ranged to other factors that might be effecting Kozue.
Maybe it was just how she was. They had the same upbringing, minus the countless trips he had taken with their parents to compete and perform in piano. All the while, Kozue remained in the care of their uncle. But surely that wouldn't have such a drastic effect on their upbringing, right?
Miki stepped back to admire his handiwork. Fresh sheets, bed perfectly made, pillow plumped exactly how Kozue liked it... He nodded in approval.
It didn't take long for Kozue to return from the bathroom, now sporting a set of shorts and one of Miki's sleep shirts. Her eyes remained cloudy and distant, but the redness in her cheeks and the tearstains running down the side of her face showed Miki she was back to earth again.
"You okay...?" Miki asked softly. He always asked, no matter how many times his question was ignored or glossed over. "You can go back to sleep, the bed is fresh."
Kozue barely glanced at her newly made bed, instead moving her gaze to the floor. The shame of her accident was much easier erased than the emotional causes for it.
"Can I sleep with you tonight?" She asked quietly. Her voice was shaking, almost hoarse as she asked the question.
Without hesitation Miki agreed. He scooted back onto his bed and pulled the sheets up, leaving plenty of room for her to crawl in next to him.
It was an unusual request, yet seeing the despair and exasperation in her face, Miki didn't have the heart to deny her. They used to share a lot when they were children, giggling and playing under the covers in the depths of night, but their parents put an abrupt stop to that when Kozue started wetting the bed.
The thought did cross his mind, that he may wake with dampened sheets, but seeing how small and shaky Kozue was, he could not find it in himself to reject this request.
Kozue easily slipped into the bed. Even the few inches she had on him seemed nothing as she hugged her knees and chewed absentmindedly on the skin of her thumb. Miki gently lay a hand on her shoulder as he covered the two of them up.
"Do... do you want to talk about it?" He asked quietly, knowing the answer already.
Miki wished she would just talk to him. Mind games weren't his strong suit, even with their twin bond Kozue was rarely direct with her feelings and clear with her thoughts with him. Instead of trying to make her talk, Miki just sighed softly and put his arm round her waist.
"Have you packed for tomorrow?" Miki paused for a second, just in case Kozue felt like answering. "Father said he wanted to leave around 9 to make sure we left enough time to drop you off at Uncle's house... It's my first time performing in Kyoto, maybe I could bring you something back?"
Miki was dismayed as his efforts at relaxing her, maybe calming the raging thoughts in her head, were all in vain. Rather, Kozue seemed to be even more withdrawn into herself. Her breaths came quick and shallow, and her thumb chewing became more aggressive and vicious.
"I'm sorry..." Miki murmured. It did hurt him seeing how miserable Kozue was when they left her behind. "Maybe for the next competition Father might let you come? We haven't had a family outing in a while, so..."
While he and either both or one of his parents travelled the country for performances at the weekends, Kozue was left alone under the care of their Uncle. As a kid she had never complained about this arrangement, and had enjoyed parading round saying that she was Uncle's favourite with a huge grin on her face. As she aged, the excitement seemed to wear thin, and although she never spoke out against the agreement, she didn't seem to particularly enjoy it.
"I'm tired, Miki," Kozue said at length, "and you need to sleep for your competition."
Miki supposed she was right. But as he drifted off to sleep, the puzzle of her behaviours was still unsolved in his mind.
The water was scalding hot. Kozue didn't care. The hotter the better. Not that it mattered. It could have been lava washing over her body but it still couldn't wash away the abuse of power and mistrust that stained her. She was dirty. Used and disgusting, left to ferment in the filth and sweat that had accumulated over the last 36 hours or so.
Soap wasn't enough to erase the contamination. Kozue lathered layer after layer of soap, scrubbing and scrubbing until her skin was raw and all she could feel was the stinging of the soap in her wounds. Even with all her self inflicted abuse to her body, the vulgarity thrust upon her still stung and ached the most.
Kozue could have kept going for an eternity. Miki knocking on the door brought her from her daze, jolting her back to the reality.
"Kozue! Are you done? You've been in there ages!" Miki called through the door, "I need a bath before bed!"
The last few remaining suds were rinsed down the drain, and Kozue hurried to dry herself. A quick, shameful glance in the mirror was enough to silence her further, and she hurriedly pulled her pyjamas over her blistering body before swapping out with Miki. He wasn't the most observant after his long weekend away, and sleepily rubbed his eyes as they passed in the doorway.
Kozue was already in bed by the time Miki had finished in the bath. He had offered for them to share, like they usually did, but Kozue was insisted on going alone. She often did when Miki had been away; he assumed it was because she was mad at him again for leaving her. Who knows. The slightest thing seemed to upset her nowadays, so it was best not to pry.
Kozue was motionless in her bed. Her eyes were distant, unblinking and clouded, but Miki still went to sit beside her. He coughed awkwardly, and took her hand in his.
"I brought you something!" He said proudly, placing something small into her half closed fist.
Slowly, Kozue turned to look.
A brightly coloured omamori, decorated with blues and purples all swirling around each other. White doves danced between each of the swirls.
A symbol of protection.
Kozue almost laughed at the irony of the gift.
"It reminded me of you..." Miki admitted bashfully, averting his gaze. "I thought it would keep you safe while we go away, and I got a matching one..."
Miki held up with matching charm, offering a meek smile. Kozue forced a smile back.
"Thanks..." She said animatedly.
At first she was unconvinced of the gift, wanting to abandon it to the bottom of her underwear drawer never to be seen again. Protection from evil? Yeah, right. As long as Miki kept competing, she wasn't safe.
But as she drifted asleep, she tried to remain hopeful. Maybe it was a turning point, and true protection would come to her, and the ache between her legs would never be one of misery again.