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Denki shook his head after his conversation with Monoma. He was just being silly. Hell, the other blond knew Hitoshi better than he did, and he wasn't super worried. At least he wasn't worried about Hitoshi. He seemed more worried about him.
“Just reassure him that you just want better communication with him. A week seems wild to be quiet, but he does have the new job. If you need anything I'm always available too.” When he said that last sentence, Monoma sounded so concerned for what seemed no reason.
Denki sighed. He was just being paranoid. Hitoshi was just probably stressed about work. Granted one of their last actual conversations stuck in his mind.
“I still have issues identifying everything that I feel, emotion wise at least.” Shinsou looked almost small when he said that. Hard for the 6'3 man with violet hair to do, but it struck worry into Denki's heart.
“I mean that's so fair. I had trouble with that too, but it just takes some time. I tended to get over analytical about it, which yeah sounds weird. Me: Ditzy Dipshit supreme, analyzing my emotions and sorting them because I couldn't tell the difference between them in the moment.” He tried to put a little humor in the statement to lighten Hitoshi's mood, but it didn't seem to do much. “Also, if you ever want to talk about it, or even just talk at me about it like I'm a brickwall that can't respond, I'm okay with that. If you want any help at all–”
Hitoshi cut him off by sighing. “It's not that I… I just–I don't really want help figuring it out. I want to do it on my own. I don't want to off load what should be me figuring myself out onto you.” He seemed to relax slightly, but he wouldn't meet Denki's eyes. The blond didn't seem to notice that back then. ”And I still need to figure out all my feelings for you too.”
“I mean that's so fair. I've got like 4 notebooks worth of shit I've written down of just how I feel about you, and there's still more. Best tldr I have is that I love you so much. And I don't think that can change one bit.” He was grinning now, and had Denki been paying attention back then, he was shinning far far to brightly for Hitoshi to look at.
“Yeah, I can tell,” A hint of humor laced his words. “I still need time to get that far, but I know I love you too. I just need some time.”
Their conversation didn't last too much longer. Denki made his way home after, just happy to have talked with Hitoshi after a long while of just checking in, what with both of their schedules being messed up at the moment. Denki was moving back to his parents house, much to his dismay. The lack of job offers after he finished college was really the only reason why. He looked at places close to Hitoshi, though it was all too expensive, even with the one or two offers he got in the area. Hitoshi was in between jobs at the time. It seemed no one wanted to hire him. Denki couldn't understand why, he was so smart. So much smarter than him.
So Denki pet his cat, Veridan. She was flopped on his desk, covering his handwritten drafts for the story he was writing for the newspaper. Only job he was able to get after school. She seemed so relaxed. What did he have to worry about. Quite a lot, his mind supplied. Just noting relationship specific. He worried about Hitoshi's well-being. He hasn't been around anyone lately, so it's only logical that he's stressed from the new job he got.
From the weeks since their last conversation Shinsou was hired, Denki was hired, and now they were opposing how it used to be. Back when he was finishing his degree, Hitoshi was free all of the time, and Denki was busy with school and his part time job. Now it's flipped. Denki's got all of this free time, only working for the newspaper 2 days a week. Infuriating to him, but it was better than nothing. Hitoshi on the other hand seems to never be free, his new job taking up all of the time in the day.
Denki sighed. Veridian rubbed her face into his hand. He was definitely overreacting. At least he hoped. The last message he had from Hitoshi was from nearly a week ago and all it read was “I'm Sorry.” It freaked him out. What did Hitoshi have to be sorry for? He hadn't done anything wrong, maybe baring being distant lately, but that wasn't something unexplainable, and to Denki it was so, so excusable.
~
Denki reread the text over and over. Tears streaming from his yellow-gold eyes. The fuck did he mean he can't say it back. What did several months mean. How far back did it go. Was anything from the past year real? What had he done to fuck this up too.
Hitoshi's words rang in his mind. “I still need to figure out all that I feel for you.”
Why didn't he say anything. Why couldn't he have spoken to him. Why didn't he feel that Denki was good enough to at least try.
His hands shook as he typed his response, nearly 30 minutes after the original offending message. He probably sounded mad in it. There wasn't much to do about that. After that he called Monoma. It took 3 tries before the other blond picked up.
“Hey, hey, hey, calm down. What's wrong?”
“Hitoshi–Hitoshi… He… he said he cant say it back. I– I don't know what to do. I want to cry,” He wheezed and a spike of humor to cope filled his tone.” Hell, I'm already doing that! I want to scream, vomit, break shit, I don't know!”
It took Monoma nearly an hour just to calm him down. He helped Denki get a list of questions and reassurances to tell/ask Hitoshi when they met to talk later that day. He felt guilty. He shouldn't off load to Monoma about this. Monoma really only recently got the full knowledge that they were together in the first place.
Denki looked at his notebook on his lap. Hitoshi should be here any moment. God, he hoped that this was just his poor attempt at saying he was sorry for the distance. He hoped this wasn't the end. He didn't think he could handle that. Nearly two years of the best thing in his life. Two years of feeling that he wasn't the worthless dumbass, that he wasn't just an extra in the movie that is life. He hoped and prayed that it was just a mistake, a misunderstanding, something that could be fixed.
Hitoshi rounded the corner. He looked overly stiff. “Hi.”
“Hey…”
Hitoshi never sat down next to him.
“I–First things first. Are you okay?” Denki was searching the other man's eyes. For what he didn't know.
“Yeah. I'm okay. Work's just been busy, and with everything else my days have been pretty packed.”
“Okay. Yeah, that's fair.” Denki tried not to let his voice shake. “So…”
“Yeah.” The response felt too quick. Too practiced.
“I guess to start off with, was there anything I did? Anything I could have done? Anything you wanted me to do that I didn't?”
“No, like I said, this is all on me. You didn't do anything wrong and I don't think there is anything you could have done.” He shifted his weight between his feet as he said that. He looked uncomfortable.
Denki wrung his hands. “Okay. Um…You said you knew for several months now. Is there a specific moment you noticed? Is there a reason you felt you couldn't tell me?” Tears were filling his eyes.
“No. Er…well I guess there was a specific moment. I guess I just slowly felt that I wasn't saying it back because I wanted to, but more because that's just what you do. I didn't tell you because… Because I couldn't find the right time to.”
“Okay.” The words were shaky. Denki looked at his notebook. Two fat tears wet the pages so far, and he knew that more would probably follow. “Okay… Um…I want you to know that I don't think any less of you, Hitoshi. I know this isn't ideal, but I'm proud of you, for at least having the courage to come and talk to me about this. I'm proud of you for finding the new job. I'm worried that you're working yourself to the bone… And…I'm sorry.”
Hitoshi shifted again. Denki noticed his hands were clenched into fists. If he could have gotten the courage to look him in the eye, he would have seen his set jaw, and a lack of tears.
“It's okay. Like I said, it's not your fault. I should have told you when I first noticed.” His voice wavered for the first and only time.” I'm sorry that I didn't. I was a jackass for not doing so.”
“I–” Denki's voice cracked. “It's okay. Um… So What do you want to do… About us? What's between us?” He looked down and saw more tears fill his notebook pages.
“Um. I kind of meant that message as a break. I wanted to make a clean break. I didn't want to try and drag it out, and since you moved in with family and stuff–”
“Hitoshi I don't get along with them.”
“Oh…” He paused for a moment.” I'm sorry.”
Denki held in a sniffle.
“Um…yeah…Im sorry. You deserve someone who can actually reciprocate your feelings. I don't think I can. I'm still willing to be friends, but… I just… I just don't think I can be that person any more. I do think it was genuine at first, but you were so openly affectionate, and it was something I hadn't felt in a long time. I'm sorry.”
Denki whipped his eyes, but kept them down. “Okay…” he sniffled unwillingly.” Um, will you be okay?”
“Yeah. I think so.” Hitoshi seemed too put together for this. Denki couldn't understand why. His entire world was falling apart around him and the one thing he thought he could count on was crumbling in front of him. “Will you?”
Denki wanted to scream. He wanted to beg him to stay, to love him again and to at least say it back one more time before everything crashed around him. His hands shook, his voice was frail. “Yeah. I have to be.”
“Okay… I’m going to go back and shower.”
“Okay. If you need anything. Literally anything, just let me know, Shinsou Hitoshi.” Denki closed his notebook.
Once Shinsou was out of sight he threw his notebook across the park. It was empty, so no one would see him fall apart. He screamed, he sobbed, and he wailed. He ripped the notebook to shreds, and threw it into the pond.
When he finally made his way back home, he was too tired to do much else. He had texted Monoma, but there wasn't a response yet. Veridian sat on his chest, purring. All he wanted was for Hitoshi to come back. To tell him that he loved him and that he was sorry. That he was willing to at least try, for him.
He wanted to not feel like he was back in high school again, being the last person chosen, the one person that people knew but didn't know. The laughing stock of the school. The kid with no actual friends, but plenty of people who are friendly.
He didn't push though. He didn't want to make Hitoshi feel guilty. It wasn't his fault.
It would be Kaminari Denki's last gift to him. To not push when everything in him told him to do so. To let Shinsou Hitoshi leave, all because he asked.