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And I stood there as I watched Na-yeon push my best friend out the window.
I don’t know why I let her do that. I think… The shock, sadness, anger, fear, and heartbreak completely consumed me. My world was Gyeong-su, he was my anchor, my sailor, my best friend. I never showed it and now I never will and that hits me hard. Completely shattering and utterly crushing. And now comes a wave of nausea. Time slows, and our memories flash before me. From our multiple dinners at mom’s restaurant to the too-long eye contacts, to our moments of physical touch like my arm around his shoulder or his hand giving me a slap, to his snaggletooth smiles and funny and bratty personality, to our playful banter and his contagious laugh. To our signature whistle call. All of that is gone. My world has stopped.
The heavy thud of body to cement snaps me out of my daze and I run to the window, pushing garbage out of my way. She falls on her butt. I look down and see Gyeong-su’s body deformed on the cement, limbs bent in unnatural forms and blood pooling around his head. His eyes are empty. Even from all the way up here I can see the last of his tears falling down his cheekbones. My vision blurs and my stomach is sick and I grip the window seal hard as my own tears scream to be let out. I look at Na-yeon, who now stands up. My sadness quickly turns to anger at the sight of her and I yell through tears and charge at her.
Unfortunately, Dae-su and Suhyeok hold me back and yelling from Ms. Park and everyone erupt, On-jo and Hyo-ryung are crying and Na-yeon cries in return.
Disgusting stupid pathetic cries.
She runs out the door. Ms. Park chases her. That leaves the rest of us in silence or in tears. The adrenaline fades away and my knees give out. Suhyeok reaches out but I wave him off, “it’s-it’s okay. I just need a moment.” The tears form again but I quickly wipe them away and distance myself from the group, sitting myself down against the window. However, this doesn’t stop On-jo. She stands over me, we make eye contact and I see her eyes glazed with tears. We stand like this for a few seconds before she falls to her knees and holds me close.
“I’m so sorry Cheong-san. I’m so sorry…” she chokes on her tears and I hug her back. My own tears fill my vision until it’s completely blurred and I let them all out. All my anger, all my sadness, all my feelings I will never tell Gyeong-su, all my regret soak her blood stained sweater.
Time passes, I don’t know how long it's been, but the last of my tears shed and I’m left to my wheezy breathing, swollen eyes, sore throat, and blank mind. The exhaustion hits me hard. On-jo releases me from her grasp and she takes off her sweater and lays it over me like a blanket. My eyelids are heavy. As I feel myself fade I cling to the image of Gyeong-su. I imagine holding his hand, his body leaned up against mine, snoring and drooling, head on my shoulder, sleeping beside me.
…
I think it’s only been a few hours until I’m woken up with the door banging. I look around urgently and every one is awake as well. Fear, sleep, and confusion paints their faces. The door keeps shaking with continuous banging and the group huddles together while Suhyeok, Dae-su and I stand guard.
“Cheong-San!! Someone! Anyone! Let me in!”
My heart drops.
There’s no way.
In an instant, I’m a foot away from the door and yelling erupts from voices telling me not to open it. I could care less about their demands and instead listen to my gut. I take a leap of faith and crack it open. I see those eyes that shield something softer looking up at me. He has tears falling down and they look a little red from probably crying. “Cheong-san, let me in… please.”
I quickly open the door and pull him into my arms and shut the door tight. I touch his arms. They’re not bent in unnatural ways. I run them through his hair, searching for damage but find none. Just moist from the rain and dirty with mud and old blood. I pull him back into my arms and breathe him in, a mixture of iron and petrichor. I feel his back, it's damp and warm, spine intact. I can feel his chest rising with every breath he takes, telling me he’s very much real and very much alive.
“Gyeong-su” I choke out in the silent room.
He wiggles out of my hold, “ouch, you’re squeezing me Cheong-san.” I look down and take in his presence. I can’t wrap my brain around it. A mixture of joy and hope with confusion wraps my thoughts. “How are you alive? I saw you die.”
Gyeong-su gulps and his eyes wander behind me. I turn around and the rest of the group keep some distance, unsure about Gyeong-su and their safety. Reasonably. But I turn back to Gyeong-su and his eyes are normal, his skin - sweaty with flakes of mud - is warm and he doesn’t smell like a rotting corpse.
He’s not a zombie.
But he fell to his death with broken limbs and a cracked skull.
He’s not fully human either.
“I’m not… I’m not really sure. I just woke up on the ground and scared shitless with all those zombies and ran back up here.” He fidgets with my sleeves, eyes looking everywhere except mine. I don’t see this side of him much. He’s completely vulnerable and unsure and just as confused as we are.
“And you weren’t chased?” Nam-ra speaks up. Everyone else chimes in and echoes her question. I watch Gyeong-su shake his head urgently, “No… I don’t know why they didn’t.” He looks down in defeat. “We need to kick him out.” Ji-min says. I turn to the group and keep my hand on his arm. Everyone stays quiet which frustrates me. “We’re not kicking him out. Look! He’s fine. He’s okay. He’s not attacking or biting us.”
“But Na-yeon infected him. We saw him die.” Ji-min counters.
“I’m alive! Can’t you see? I’m right here, perfectly ALIVE.” Gyeong-su steps forward in frustration and the group takes a few steps back, the boys taking guard. I look back and forth between my best friend and the group.
I know it’s dangerous.
I grip his shoulder tight as we make eye contact. I can feel my palm getting sweaty and my heart pump faster from our gaze. I couldn’t save him before and I won’t make that mistake again. I can’t. I look back to the group and stand my ground, “he’ll stay in the sound booth. With me. If he starts attacking or biting then at least he’s in a locked room. But I’m not going to leave him. We’re not leaving.” I look around. They don’t object.
“He’s our friend. He’s okay.”
“For now.” Ji-min glares at us before dragging Hyo-ryung along with her like she’s a dog and sit on the opposite side of the room. Nam-ra stays quiet as usual. On-jo, Suhyeok, and the others understand but still lean on the side of caution, going back to sleep. They all sit down either on chairs or the ground and I take the two of us into the booth and we both sit against the wall.
“Wouldn't it have been easier to sit by the door? You could kick me out faster.”
I look at him and shake my head. “I’m not going to kick you out, no matter what. Plus, at least we’re safe from Ji-min here.”
He laughs, “true. Damn she did seem pretty pissed.” I turn to Gyeong-su, his thick hair lying flat against the wall. He looks up at me and our eyes dance with one another. It’s quiet and almost sweet under the circumstances. Then his brows furrow, “what happened to Ms. Park… and Na-yeon.” The memory of her shoving him out the window flashes in my mind and I look down at my lap.
“Ms. Park went after Na-yeon. She ran out after… after she pushed you.” I tighten my fists and eye Gyeong-su’s hand. It’s inches away. I never got the chance to hold his hand, at least not in a romantic way. It’s almost pitiful how much I wanna touch his hands, to hold him in my arms again. I look up at him as he notices my gaze and he clears his throat. “Do you think she’s alive?” He asks.
“I hope not.” I wishfully respond. He chuckles and nods, “me too.”
His smile is cute and I can’t help but smile back. “What about you? You sure you’re okay?”
His eyes skirt around a quick second. “I feel fine. I feel okay. Just.. the zombies are freaking loud.”
My brows furrow. I can’t hear any zombies. “Really? We’re in a soundproof room.”
“Yeah, they’re a lot louder than before. I can hear their shoes squeaking, their heavy breaths, their bones cracking…” Gyeong-su trails off. I watch his hands fidget with his pants, picking off dried mud. I can feel my heart racing as I look at his fingers. I uncurl my fist and slowly move it to his. He stops fidgeting and now I know he’s watching me. Our pinkies touch but he doesn’t move away and lets me turn his hand around. It feels like slow motion as I meet our palms together and I carefully slide my fingers in between his. My heart thumps in my ears and my stomach storms with butterflies. His hands are warm and surprisingly soft. We look at each other and I gaze into his eyes, giving him a squeeze which he returns.
I clear my throat. “Whatever you are, we’ll figure it out… Together.” I give his hand another squeeze, running my thumb over his. He looks a bit shocked and I get nervous. Maybe I should pull away but I can’t. “You were gone and I thought I could never tell you how I… how I feel about you. Now that you’re here… I don’t want to make another mistake.” I feel like I can cry. All our memories flood my brain and his touch right here right now is all I wanted. His eyes are beautifully intense. They’re like brown sugar boba. Sweet, soft, smooth like butter, leaving you wanting more.
“I really really really like you Gyeong-su. More than words.”
The words leave my mouth dry. His expression softens. It’s as if the world came to a complete stop. Even with our friends it feels like it’s just the two of us, in our own little bubble, watching each other like a movie. Oh and it’s an amazing movie. Even with all this terror and uncertainty I have Gyeong-su with me. I have him by my side, alive, smiling, holding my hand and giving me a kiss.
Wait what.
My eyes instantly go wide. His are closed. Our chapped lips meet one another and I feel warm and giddy inside. My heart feels like it’s gonna explode. But as soon as it begins it ends. Gyeong-su gives me another smile, “I like you too. A lot actually.”
I look around in awe and am thankful no one is looking through the window. I let my head fall against his and watch him mess with my hand. I smile to myself, overjoyed and giddy, enjoying our moment.
“You suck at confessing.” Gyeong-su breaks the silence. I can feel my ears get warm. “And you suck at staying alive.” This earns a gentle shoulder shove from him and I chuckle. “Hey, I have super hearing now. I practically got powers now. And now, I can protect you and the rest of the group.” I feel his head shifting and I move to make eye contact. He’s so smug about himself I give him a smirk, “you know damn well I’m saving your ass no matter what.” He just rolls his eyes and stares me down. I could stare at him forever. Just us. Just sitting side by side. We could forget about everyone. Forget about the zombies. Just be with him, his warmth for eternity and touch him for the rest of my life.
“I can also hear your heartbeat, Cheong-san. And you’re pretty crazy for me, huh?”
I freeze and feel my heart beating even faster now. The embarrassment warms my cheeks and he laughs, showing his snaggletooth. I playfully shove his face away. “Brat.”
He laughs and his face is tinted with a pink blush and my heart skips at the new imagery. I move faster than I can stop myself - not like I want to anyways - and pull his face to mine.
This time, our kiss lasts longer than a second and I take in his touch, how warm his face feels in my grasp and how his lips quickly gain moisture against mine. I feel his hands grip my shirt and I move one hand to his neck. I don't care what he says about how fast my heart is because the pulse in his neck beats just the same, if not more. Our lips move more and more, never separating. I can feel my chest get tight and my head starting to spin but I ignore it and keep moving my mouth, sucking his top lip. His hands move up to my chest and I can feel them tapping against me before he pulls away. Oxygen comes back to lungs and I choke on my own saliva. He takes in a big gulp of air.
We both forgot to breathe. As we both catch our breaths we make eye contact and embarrassment warms up my face and I have to look away.
There, at the window, everyone except Nam-ra peeks over into the glass. Eyes are wide, jaws are dropped and Hyo-ryung is the only one who gives me a small thumbs up with a smile.
“Crap.” I quickly look away. Gyeong-su’s brows furrow and he turns to the window and quickly turns back to me. We both look up at each other and stare until I can’t help but feel a smile tug at my lips. A smile creeps up on him as well and we both try to suppress it but we both end up laughing. “Wow, not them seeing the worst kiss in the world.” Gyeong-su teases. I blush even more with an idea, “well you could practice more..”
“With an audience? Not ever again. I bet they’re gonna have scoreboards for us that all say 0 and oxygen masks.” I laugh at his idiocy. “Stupid head, it wasn’t even that bad, come here.”
I pull him back to my side and lay my cheek against his head of hair. I glance at the window and Dae-su and the boys quickly hide when I glare them down. Gyeong-su holds my hand in his lap and I close my eyes as he fidgets with each finger, focusing on his touch, his warmth, his presence, his entire being.
He’s with me, side by side, once more.
“You’re never leaving my side again.”
“Wasn’t planning on it.”
“And we’re gonna be practicing more.”
“I sure hope so.”