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Len sighed angrily for the fifth time in ten minutes. “Why are we doing this.”
“Because,” Jim answered, not looking up from fixing her hair, “it’s fun.” Len rolled her eyes. Jim smiled and leaned towards the grimy mirror to examine her face. “Ladies will be throwing themselves at you.”
“I’m sure.” Len eyed herself with a twinge of pity. Her hair needed to be washed, her outfit was questionable, and she looked every bit the exhausted med student that she was. Jim finished her inspection and turned around. They were close, too close, but the tiny bathroom didn’t offer much space for two. Len didn’t have to remind herself not to stare, it was years old habit by then.
“How do I look?” Jim asked with a smile, jokingly twirling a lock of her hair between her fingers. Len sighed.
“You’re beautiful.” She stepped out the bathroom door. “Let’s get this over with.”
The party was loud and dark. Every corner pulsed with music, crowds of women were huddled together on every horizontal and vertical surface available, Len had seen at least one young couple joined at the lips per minute that she’d been walking through the house, and she was ready to go home. Jim, however, was in her element. Young and confident and flirty, she made her way through the crowd with ease, tugging Len along by the hand. She seemed to know everyone, and asked after their well-being and life goals with the effortlessness of a close friend. Len knew for a fact that she had only met these people a few times, but that was just what Jim did. She made you feel loved and remembered no matter what. She would make an amazing captain one day.
Len wanted to go home.
“Bones!” Jim gasped, leading her into a smaller room off to the side where a woman was leaning against a desk. “This is my friend, Nyota. You've got to meet her, she’s just amazing. You’ll get along great.” Jim dragged her forward exuberantly.
Nyota had wonderfully dark skin and hair, a killer body, and one of those modern longlasting sparklers that reckless kids just loved handing out at parties. Len nodded her hello as Nyota did the same, but with a smile. Jim grinned.
“Nyota, Bones. Bones, Nyota. It’s so good to see you.” She hugged Nyota tight, placing a friendly kiss to her cheek as she pulled away. “How have you been?”
The chatter of newfound/longtime friends (who knew which one when it came to Jim) catching up filled the small space. Len let it buzz in her ears without recognition as she studied the room. The walls were lined with shelves filled with dusty, ancient looking paper books. Len absently worried about the dry paper and the flame of the sparkler. Jim grasped her arm.
“I’m going to get drinks for us. You stay here, all right?” she said. Len nodded and fought off her trepidation at the upcoming awkwardness of losing the buffer of a mutual friend. Jim winked suggestively, Len rolled her eyes. “I’ll be right back, you ladies just get to know each other.”
Jim skipped off and Len was left with Nyota, whose face, although polite, showed no indication of desiring conversation with her.
There was a beat of silence.
“My name is actually Lenore,” Len offered stiffly. “You can call me Len, though.”
Nyota hummed in acknowledgement. “So what brings you here?” She asked, twirling the sparkler between her fingers.
“Jim,” Len answered. “I don’t usually. . . go to these things.”
“Ah.” Nyota held her hand under the stick to catch the apparently harmless sparks. “Are you not a lesbian?”
Len snorted. “Of course I am.”
Nyota nodded slowly. “If you are a lesbian, then why are you following Jim around and not mingling with all those attractive people out there?” Nyota gave her a knowing look and tapped the glowing end of the sparkler against the edge of an ashtray that Len hadn’t noticed.
She looked away, caught and embarrassed. Nyota nodded again. “I see. Well my friend, Jim is not as unattainable as you might think.”
Len laughed. “I’m sure.”
“I’m sure.” Nyota smiled, her teeth oddly bright in the low lighting. “You should pay more attention sometime.”
“I do,” Len said, a touch defensively.
Nyota shook her head. “No you don’t, not if you can’t see what’s happening right now.”
“And that is?”
“I’m back!” Jim walked in carrying three bottles. “It took forever to find the cooler and then there were people. . . you know, on it so I had to wait but–” She handed the drinks over to Len and Nyota. “-mission accomplished.”
“Thank you,” they said.
Jim smiled as Len opened her bottle for her. “So what have you girls been talking about?” She accepted the bottle from Len and took a sip. “Anything interesting?”
“Just small talk,” Nyota said, bottle at her lips along with a playful, all too knowing smile.
Len wanted to go home.
“So what did you think of Nyota?” Jim asked on the walk home many hours later, her breath cloudy in front of her.
“She’s nice. A bit intimidating,” Len answered, stuffing her hands into her pockets.
Jim laughed, a beautiful sound that rang through the night like fireworks. “That was my first impression of her too.” She paused. “And the others? Did anyone catch your eye?”
Jim had introduced her to no less than thirty women at that party. None had interested her nearly as much as Jim did. Len shrugged. “They were interesting. Maybe a little too much so. I don’t know if I’d ever fit with any of them.” Not like the way she fit with Jim. But just to make sure she didn’t feel her efforts were wasted, she added, “Maybe I’ll connect with one of them someday, who knows.”
Jim nodded, bit her lip, and kept walking, her demeanor suddenly and completely changed. Len sped up and gently elbowed Jim’s arm. “What’s wrong?”
Jim shook her head with an uncertain smile. “Nothing.”
There weren’t many stars out. The city was just close enough that it cloaked any stars that would have wanted to make an appearance. Even the moon, full, was struggling to show herself. There was little light, but that didn’t matter. Jim’s eyes were wide and glistening, and she wouldn’t stop biting her lip. Len was afraid she’d draw blood. She pulled them to a stop, a block away from their apartment.
“Jim, what’s wrong?”
Jim looked up, tears gathering on her eyelashes. Len reached out and wiped them away. Jim latched onto her wrist when she did, and seemed to tether herself with the contact.
“It’s not your fault. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to know because. Well because it would make things awkward and I really, really don’t want to lose you,” Jim sighed. “Why couldn’t you make this easier by being unavailable?”
A slow, cold dread was creeping its way up Len's spine.
“What do you mean?” She pressed closer to her best friend. “You’re not making any sense.”
Jim laughed. “I’m a little tipsy, I think. But.” She looked up to the sky, tearful and flushed. “Bones.” She looked back down, into her eyes. “Don’t you know I love you?”
Len shook her head. “I love you too. Jim, what’s wrong?”
She laughed again and pushed herself away to resume the walk home. “You don’t get it.”
Len followed after her. “What don’t I get?”
“Everything!” Jim ran up the stairs, fishing the keys out of her pockets. “I told you women would be throwing themselves at you.”
“And?” Len walked inside and locked the door. Jim was struggling to remove her boots while standing. Len lent her a hand.
Jim clutched at her shoulder and tossed her shoes away. “I already–!” She let go of Len and walked to the bedroom, stumbling out of her shirt and pants as she went. “I’m tired of- of. . ." She groaned. "I want to go to bed.”
Len looked away as Jim flung her bra into the corner and tugged on her pajamas. Evidently, she had either drunk more than Len had realized, or something had been bothering her for a long time. She decided to let her voice it as she wanted to. Jim curled up on the right side of the bed. Len changed and flopped onto the left.
Jim had her eyes shut tight, and Len knew she was still awake, still thinking. They laid like that for a while.
Jim rolled onto her back.
“Why are you still available,” she asked, hazel eyes still a little wet.
“Huh?”
“Why are you still available? There are plenty of options for you, and not only at that party.” She sniffled, and it broke Len’s heart right in two.
“None of them are the right options.” She reached across the small distance and brushed Jim’s hair away from her forehead, a motion she hadn’t done since the last time Jim had been sick. “Why are you so focused on this?” she asked gently. “I’m not. . . lonely. I have you.”
Jim smiled sadly. “But I don’t have you.”
Len sat up. “What does that mean. What do you mean?”
Jim sat up as well and reached up to cup Len’s face in her hands. “Bones, I love you. But you’re not mine.”
“What does that even–”
Jim leaned over and pressed her lips very quickly to Len’s. It was nothing more than a moment of pressure, but it stopped her heart instantly. All of existence paused for those few seconds when suddenly Lenore McCoy knew what it was to have Jim love her back. Jim looked into her eyes, only inches away and terribly sad, and Len knew she had messed up.
“Do you understand now?” Jim asked, voice wavering. “I can’t explain it any better.”
Len shook her head in disbelief, a bright spark of hope blooming in her chest. “Dammit Jim. I am yours. I’ve always been yours, why didn’t you see?” She laughed, the first laugh not born of bitterness all night. “Why didn’t I see?”
She took Jim’s face into her hands, wiped away all her tears, and kissed her just the way she always wanted to; slow and soft and so full of love that it hurt. Jim melted against her, clutched at her waist, and didn’t let go. An endless feeling of rightness settled over Len’s soul.
She was finally, finally home.