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Lily Evans had been one of Remus’s greatest friends since their second year of Hogwarts. She had always had this kind, caring nature about her that always made her look out for others. Though, don't let any of that deter you from her wittiness.

Whether it was figuring out Remus was illiterate, or that he was a werewolf or that he was queer, Lily didn’t care one bit. She had never made fun of him or made any jokes at his expense. She had never harbored a single suspicion or bias against him despite his lycanthropy. Which is why it should make sense to Remus, present day, that Lily Evans Potter was just about the only person he knew who didn’t believe him to be the spy.

After what took probably much convincing on Lily’s part, James had begrudgingly agreed to have Remus watch Harry for the night as the two of them were called out on a mission by Moody. She had reasoned that Sirius had just come back from his own mission and that he needed some rest while Remus hadn’t been out since the Full over two weeks prior.

While James never said it outright, Remus knew James thought he was the spy. It hurt deeply for obvious reasons, but, stuck in denial, Remus tried to tell himself that it was just him mourning. The war had taken away his parents just over a year ago and since then, he hadn’t been himself.

What Remus couldn’t lie to himself about though, was the fact that his very lover had also thought him to be the spy. And unlike James, Sirius Black had said it outright.

Remus saw the hatred in his eyes every time he entered the room, the rigidness in his shoulders and the tick in his jaw. Sirius genuinely believed that he could be the one leaking information to the Dark Lord about the cause they’d been fighting so valiantly since the minute they stepped out of Hogwarts and neither of them knew how to handle that information.

After a few missions too many that involved Remus being out for days, fraternizing with the packs and having to gather information on Greyback, Dumbledore had announced a spy in the Order as soon as soon as he had returned. He remembers the way a dozen pairs of eyes immediately glanced in his direction.

“Remus?” The soft spoken voice lured him out of his own head.

“Yeah. Sorry. What?”

Lily gave a sad smile and she lightly bounced Harry in her arms, clinging to him tightly. It was the first time she had ever had to leave her son alone. Frankly, Remus is still surprised he is who she chose to leave him with.

When he voiced the thought aloud, she put a hand on top of his and said, “James might have chosen Sirius to be Harry’s Godfather, but I chose you. I haven’t changed my mind.”

James led left a bit earlier to ‘get a head start’, but Remus was pretty sure that was code for ‘I can’t bare to leave my son alone with a werewolf who is definitely a traitor so I have to leave now or I won’t let him be handed off at all.’

“Nothing you don’t already know. Just make him a bottle if he wakes up during the night. If he won’t go back to sleep after that, you might have to rock him around a bit,” Lily rambled as she nervously pet her son’s hair.

“Of course. Sounds easy enough,” he replied, trying his hardest to soothe her anxieties.

She chuckled dryly. “Easy for you to say.”

After a final shaky sigh, she presses a long kiss to Harry’s head before passing him over to Remus. She then held his tiny cheek, muttering, “mama loves you, Harry. Dada loves you. We’ll be back soon, my love. I promise.”

Harry, clearly unaffected by the tension, had smiled and clumsily pat his mother face.

Lily smiled back. “Be good for Uncle Moony, okay?”

Remus’s heart lurched. God, no one called him that anymore. In Harry’s first few months, everybody did. And then…nobody. War was a real son of a bitch.

Harry giggled again as Lily pinched his cheek.

“Thank you, Remus, for watching him. I feel a lot better knowing you’re here with him,” she exclaimed as she tiredly rubbed a hand down her face.

“You don’t need to thank me, Lils. Honestly, this is good for both of us,” he muttered the last part and jostled Harry around in his arms to a more comfortable position. Harry just fiddled with the fabric of his jacket.

With a single arm around his shoulder, she hugged goodbye and she kissed her son on the forehead one final time before leaving the house entirely, apparating with a loud crack.

He let out a breath, looking down at the tiny hands clutching his clothes. “Mama says it’s almost your bedtime. How about we read a story?”

Harry exclaimed excitedly in response.

—————————

Harry went down with only a bit of fuss, but Remus was surprised it wasn’t worse, given that no one beside his mother or father had ever put him down before.

A night with Harry was freeing. Harry was like a breath of fresh air from the war, despite being only a baby. He had no idea what went on around him, no idea that Remus was some kind of monster-spy-traitor like everyone else viewed him to be. Remus could almost pretend that his life was normal when it was just him and Harry.

Harry would call him ‘Moo’ for Moony as he had a hard time making the rest of the sounds. He would curl up to Remus’s chest when he would read him a story, would toddle toward him clumsily when he entered the room. It was clear early on that aside from his parents, Remus was Harry’s favorite.

Remus remembers Sirius not being nearly as offended as he thought he would have been. Instead, Sirius had found it very endearing the way Harry would always find Remus in a room.

“One day, we’ll have one too,” Sirius whispered to him as he was half asleep one night after they returned to their flat from visiting the Potter’s.

“Have what?” he asked, thought it was more of a tired murmur.

Sirius smiled into his shoulder, fingers tracing up and down Remus’s stomach. “A kid.”

Remus’s stomach dropped at the memory as he immediately thought to block all thoughts of Sirius out of his head for the night. They’d been fighting for what was probably months now, and it was the same every time.

“Just tell me what you’re doing!”

“Sirius, you know I can’t. The missions I go on regarding Greyback are supposed to be a secret. You know I can only tell Moody or Dumbledore. Why can’t you just trust me?”

“Because you make it so hard to! Always going away for days, sometimes weeks on end! Any you can’t tell me a single thing about where you were or— fucking anything!”

“That’s not fair and you know it. I have the same rules that you do!”

“So you don’t trust me?”

“Well, clearly, you don’t fucking trust me either!”

He huffed. So much for kicking out all thoughts of Sirius. Though, in retrospect, the feat was impossible. Sirius was big. And he didn’t mean in a physical sort of way, but in personality. He was loud and cocky, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It was just who Sirius was.

He hoped that they would make up soon, he thought repeatedly as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Sirius’s birthday was in just three days and he wanted to make it special, even though it would likely just be the two of them.

Lily and James were only supposed to leave their house when ordered by Dumbledore, usually for missions only. Marlene and Dorcas were dead. Mary and Peter were Merlin knows where. Frank and Alice were busier than ever as Aurors, despite having a child as young as Harry at home.

The ring in Remus’s pocket felt like a fifty pound weight as he carried it around. He’d had it since sometime last year, but after the whole Kidnapped-By-Greyback-And-His-Pack situation followed directly by the Spy-In-The-Order-And-Everyone-Thinking-It’s-Remus situation, including Sirius himself, there clearly hadn’t been a good time.

He knew it was a bit unlogical, buying a ring and planning to propose to Sirius despite the fact that they couldn’t get married like Lily and James could. But despite logistics, he wanted Sirius to know that Remus loved him and would marry him in a heartbeat if he could.

He could only wonder if Sirius felt the same.

He’d been thinking about giving the ring to Sirius on his birthday. Not really proposing, but asking. Do you want to marry me? Do you still want to be with me? Has this rift grown too big? Do you love me at all?

He hadn’t decided. Knowing himself, he probably wouldn’t be able to pluck up the courage. Someone was going to have to pry the ring box in his pocket from his cold, dead hands.

Shaking the thoughts of Sirius from his head for real, he fed Harry a little snack before giving him a bath and reading to him a bedtime story of his choosing (one that Lily could no longer stand due to it being Harry’s favorite story and therefore requiring it to be read to him every single night) while gently rocking in the rocking chair.

When he still wasn’t asleep and refused to be set down yet, Remus walked in circles with Harry in his arms, bouncing him lightly. He gripped at Remus’s clothes some more as he closed his eyes for the night, clenching and unclenching his tiny fist in Remus’s collar.

Only when his eyes were finally closed, his hand lax on Remus’s shoulder, did Remus set him down ever so gently in his crib, placing a blanket up to his shoulder before running his thumb over Harry’s forehead and into his hair, whispering quietly, “g’night, Harry.”

Remus spent the next half an hour or so cleaning up the mess he and Harry left behind. He wiped down Harry’s high chair, dried the floor next to the bathtub where Harry had gotten too excited and splashed all over the place (also taking a shirt from James to replace the one Harry had soaked), picking up the toys they’d played with on the living room floor and tossing them into Harry’s toy box.

It was around 11 o’clock when Remus, who had been reading in James’s favorite recliner, heard a crack from outside.

He peeled his eyes from the page immediately. Someone had apparated. He slowly reached for the wand he had set down on the night stand as he listened closely for any more noises.

Suddenly, there was a knock, and Remus wasn’t sure if he was to be relieved or not. Did bad guys usually knock? Remus was pretty sure they didn’t.

With his wand in hand, he set down the book, lazily dog-earing the page as to not lose his spot.

He stood, his heartbeat only slightly erratic as he made his way to the entrance of the house. He hadn't even gotten to the door before it was already opening, unlocking with a click. He immediately felt the cool chill of the late October air when the person outside the house became visible through the open door.

“Peter?” Remus narrowed his eyes incredulously.

Peter froze in the doorway and blinked, confused. “Moony?”

“What are you doing here— no one’s seen you for days! We were starting to get worried,” Remus exclaimed quietly, trying not to wake Harry so soon.

“I’ve been— um, around.” He changed the subject, eyeing the house frantically. Nervously. “Where’s James?”

Remus was sure the reason Peter was acting like this, nervous and avoidant of questions, was because he was scared to be around Remus. Around the traitor. That was usually how things went lately.

Remus’s shoulders dropped, wand by his side as Peter closed the door behind him, thought not all the way.

“He and Lily are…out right now. I’m watching Harry,” he tried to explain without disclosing too much information on James and Lily's whereabouts.

Peter blinked. “They’re—they’re not- oh. Okay.” Peter took in a shaky breath, his skin turning an alarming shade of white. “Okay, just you. That’s—“

Remus narrowed his eyes, trying to pick out why Peter was so nervous. He could see the sweat beading on the man's forehead.

“Peter? Is everything alright?” he asked, taken aback by Peter's behavior.

“What? Oh, yeah, course. Just— this changes things a little,” he rambled as he frantically wiped his forehead and the back of his neck.

Sirens went off in Remus’s head, but he supposed that was just the war paranoia. It was only Peter, after all.

He clutched his wand tighter anyway.

“What do you mean? What's changed? Here—come sit down, I’ll get your something to drink, you look a bit pale—“

Peter raised his wand.

And oh, Remus thought in surprise.

Remus was so stunned at the action that he had barely raised his own wand an inch in retaliation before Peter yelled, “Expeliarmus!”

Remus’s wand went flying out of his hand and he staggered slightly backwards.

Oh, Remus thought again. It was him.

Peter.

Peter was the traitor. This fucker.

Peter’s hand shook as he kept his wand raised to Remus, his breath practically gasping, sounding like a sob.

“Wormy…what are you doing?”

“Shut up, just shut up!” Peter shouted, seeming to be in some kind of panic attack. “Where’s Harry?!”

Remus’s body seized up all at once, thinking of the prophecy. That stupid prophecy that has James, Lily and Harry hiding out like this in the first place. He was here to kill Harry.

Over my dead fucking body, Remus vowed to himself as soon as the realization hit.

Before he could make a decision on what the fuck to do, a wave of cold washed over him, and the door behind Peter flung open with a loud bang, straight off it's hinges and crashing into the Potters's dining table, smashing it to pieces at the force.

Harry began to cry upstairs.

Blinking rapidly, Remus tried to recognize who the hell it was when Peter got out of his way immediately, practically bowing at the man’s feet. “M-my Lord!”

Voldemort, Remus knew.

“I thought I told you to kill anyone in the house aside from the child. Did I not, Wormtail?” Voldemort’s voice was calm, and he was the ugliest thing Remus had ever seen in his entire life. And Remus had spent his past few months with Greyback, so it was really saying something.

Peter sobbed on the floor, worshiping him. “I’m sor-sorry, my Lord! I-I-“

“No matter,” Voldemort replied, inhaling deeply. “I’ll do it myself.” He had the eyes of a lifeless corpse. The second they met Remus’s, he raised his wand.

And Remus had never ran so fast in his life.

He turned heel and dashed straight for the stairs, making his way toward Harry who was still crying upstairs, narrowly avoiding a shot of green that was meant for him, quickly releasing it to be the Killing Curse that he hadn’t heard Voldemort say over the rushing of blood in his ears.

He ran straight for Harry nursery, trying to conjure up a plan in his head. What was he supposed to do? Peter had spelled away his wand, and because of the spells and wards placed on the house, you couldn’t apparate unless you were outside.

Remus was stuck. Harry was stuck.

Remus thought about jumping out of the window, but he couldn’t do that if he was holding Harry, and not once did the thought occur to him 'save yourself, leave Harry.'

He slammed the door shut, pushing various amounts of furniture in front of it, though he knew it was useless. A muggle solution that would barely stop Voldemort for two seconds.

Fuck, he thought as he kneeled in front of Harry’s crib, Harry’s dark green eyes wide and tears spilled down his chubby cheeks. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry, Harry. I’m sorry, Lily.

“Shhh,” he whispered as he wiped the tears from Harry’s face through the cribs bars, trying to calm him as well as himself. Well, as well as he could anyway, knowing he was the reason he and his Godson were about to die.

Merlin, Remus thought as he looked at Harry. He looks so much like James.

It was the first thing anybody noticed about Harry. Him and his father shared the same dark skin, the same dark, curly hair. They had the same nose, the same lips. Everything the same except his eyes. His big, beautiful green eyes that matched his mother’s. They held the same kindness in them that Lily’s did, the same care and love.

Remus would do anything to go back in time. Hug his best friends in school before everything changed, before everybody thought of him like the monster he was. He wished he would have accepted James’s offers to fly with him more often, play more Chess with Peter (but Peter understood his hatred for Wizard’s Chess over regular Chess), though, in remembering that Peter was the reason Voldemort was here right now, he kind of wished he could go back in time and do something about him. But, most of all, he wished he would go back and kiss Sirius one more time. Tell him he’s sorry. That he loves him. Because no matter what, no matter how long they’d been fighting, no matter how much Sirius hurt him by thinking of him as the spy, Remus loved him so much. Sirius was his world.

“I’m sorry, Harry,” he repeated as he tried to his damndest not try cry in front of him. He had to be strong. For both of them. Remus was all Harry had right now. “It’ll be over quick, sweet boy. I’m so sorry.”

Step, step, step. Just down the hall.

Remus reached his hand overtop the crib to pet Harry’s head while still looking at him through the bars. “Your Uncle Moony loves you, Harry. Your mom and dad love you so much. So does Uncle Padfoot. We love you so much, okay?”

Tears continued to fall from Harry’s eyes. He knew this time that something was wrong. Though, he had stopped full body sobbing, which was good enough for Remus. All Remus wanted was for him to be calm. Be peaceful. He would kill himself in the afterlife if he let Harry die afraid.

As the footsteps neared the door, he hummed a song to Harry that he heard Lily sing to him often. It seemed to have the desired effect when his sniffling came to a halt and he began to smile, trying to pet Remus through the bars.

He only stopped humming when the door slammed open and all the furniture he placed crumbled against the opposite wall. Harry started crying again. And frankly, Remus wouldn’t be surprised if he did too.

The second Voldemort stepped into the room, Remus stood to his feet and blocked the crib, shielding Harry with his own body.

“Avada Kedavra!”

—————————

Crack.

Sirius, who had been fitfully napping in his bed, empty save for him, awoke to the sound of someone apparating into his flat. Well, two someones, based on the multiples pairs of footsteps.

Upon instinct, he grabbed his wand from his nightstand and stood slowly, trying not to creak the bed as he peered out into the hall. It was nearing 3 in the morning. Who the hell would be here?

His shoulders sagged when he saw James and Lily.

“Prongs?” he muttered tiredly from the hallway, stuffing his wand into his waistband. He was still beat from his own mission this morning.

James and Lily’s faces and arms and hands were covered with blood, though, thankfully, none of it seemed to be their own.

James gave a tired smile. “Sorry, mate. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“S’lright. What are you doing here? Are you guys okay?” he said as he rubbed his face, pathetically looking down at the large jumper he was wearing. Remus’s.

“Didn’t want to go home and scare Harry with all this blood so we thought we would come here to clean up. Sorry,” James said apologetically as he tiredly plopped down on him and Remus’s counter stools, Lily going the same.

“No worries,” he yawned as he got to wash clothes from a drawer and doused them with warm water for James and Lily’s faces. "'S not yours, is it?" "Fortunately not."

Lily casted a charm to get the blood stains out of their clothes while James wiped down her face, then his own. They both then scrubbed their own hands and necks and arms with the small towels to get them clean enough to atleast go home and sleep until they had enough energy to shower in the morning.

Sirius placed a glass of water for each of them on the counter, Lily muttering a thanks before downing nearly three-fourths of the glass.

“How’d it go?” He asked.

James shrugged. “Y’know. We’re not dead, so there’s that.”

He smiled tiredly. “That’s always good.” James huffed a laugh before sipping his own water.

“You should come back with us,” Lily said after a moment of silence, wiping her mouth with her sleeve after finishing the last bit of water from her glass.

“Hm?”

“Y’know. To our house.”

Sirius swallowed thickly. Ah.

“Lil-“

“You guys can’t keep going like this. Please talk with him,” Lily sighed exasperatedly. James avoided both of their gazes and quietly sipped his water, though Sirius knew where stood on the matter, which is exactly why he stayed quiet. One didn’t casually disagree with Lily Evans Potter.

“Why would I have to go? I’ll see him when he gets back anyway,” Sirius tried to excuse.

“Because it’ll show him that you care. That you wanted to see him for that extra two minutes that it would have taken from the time we left and the time he got here.”

He sighed. “Since when do you meddle in other people’s relationships?” he tried to lighten the mood, thought it must have fell flat on his face.

“Since my friends are getting hurt over nothing, that’s why.” Sirius would hardly say it’s nothing, but one didn’t quite disagree with Lily Evans Potter.

He pinched his nose bridge. “It’s not going to change anything, Lils-“

“Because you won’t change—“ she interrupted.

“—but I’ll go anyway,” he finished. She blinked, surprised.

“Alright.”

“Alright.”

Sirius collected their blood-dirtied washcloths and threw them in the laundry room while taking their cups and leaving them in the sink.

James held out his hand for Lily for her to grab while Sirius held onto his shoulder as James apparated to the outside of their house in Godric’s Hollow.

Crack.

He blinked.

There was something in the air, he thought. Maybe it was the cold October breeze, maybe it was the eerie silence despite it being Halloween night, maybe it was the odd scent in the air; familiar, yet different.

Or, it was probably the fact that the front door to the Potter home was straight busted off its hinges. Cause that’s always a good sign.

Lily, ever the wonderful mother, reacted first. She released James’s hand and ran straight inside, despite the fact that whatever, or whoever, had done this, could still be in the house.

“Lily!” James ran after her, fear evident in his voice.

They were scared. Of course they were scared. Their son was supposed to be in there, sleeping peacefully, yet instead they find their front door blown off. Who wouldn’t that scare?

And Sirius took one more second to blink before he ran too. Remus.

Oh, Merlin, Remus was in there too. He was so shocked at the state of the house that it totally slipped his mind.

Lily ran straight for Harry’s nursery as his impossibly loud wailing could be heard from outside while James stayed downstairs to see if any kind of intruder was still present.

Sirius, from the doorway, watched as James froze near the living room before crouching down to pick something up, his face full of terror.

Sirius stepped over the rubble in the doorway to get a closer look at what James had found. It was—

“It's Remus's,” James confirmed, his body still frozen in shock.

Sirius blinked at the sight of Remus’s wand, covered in dust from the rubble and was shocked frozen too. He only moved when he heard Lily’s loud, agonized, “Oh, my God—“

Sirius broke out of his trance to run up the stairs, Harry’s crying getting even louder the closer he got. James was hot on his heals, Remus’s wand still in hand. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest. His thoughts were a myriad of Remus, Remus, Remus. Please be okay. I know we’re fighting, but God, you better be okay.

His breath caught in his throat so hard he choked on it as he stopped in the doorway of Harry’s nursery.

Lily was cradling her son in her arms, bouncing him up and down with one of her hands over her mouth in horror as Harry continued to wail. His eyes went down to the only other person in the scene.

Remus.

He was on the floor, right up against Harry’s crib. His eyes were wide and unseeing and no longer a pretty light brown, but a dull, lifeless, nearly grey color.

Lifeless.

Sirius dropped to his knees next to the body. “Moony—“ he whispered, as though the whole situation was some sick joke. “Moony, come on—“

Sirius wiped the dust off of his face frantically as he pulled his head into his lap. “Rem, get up!” He yelled, his breath coming out in uneven gasps.

There was a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he shrugged it off immediately, his mind only thinking of Remus below him.

“Sirius—“ James whispered, heartbroken. Harry’s sobbing continued to fill the air.

Sirius payed neither of them any mind as he tried to shake Remus awake.

“Please, Rem, come on,” he sobbed when the body didn’t move.

“Sirius, he’s gone,” James whispered again, holding Remus’s cold hand in his own.

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up! He’s fine, he’s just—“ even with the words coming out of his own mouth, Sirius knew he didn’t believe them. But he sure as shit didn’t want to believe James’s either.

“Moony, please get up. I’m sorry for— for everything, just please get up,” he felt the tears rolling down hot and fast on his fast, stinging his eyes and blurring his vision. The body didn’t move.

Holy shit, He thought. Remus was dead.

After a few seconds of staring at the body in the complete silence of his own head, he began to sob. “Oh, my God.”

He grabbed Remus’s cold face in both of his hands, running his thumbs over his cheekbones. “Oh, my God,” he repeated, his tears leaving a trail of cleanliness down Remus’s cheeks where they carried away the ash.

He felt the hand on his shoulder tighten. He could hear the barely stifled sobs coming from James’s own lips but he didn’t care.

“Remus—“ he muttered pathetically through tears. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he sobbed the words Remus had been wanting to hear for so long, only now it was too late. “Rem—I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”

The dam broke when James’s hand left his shoulder and used both hands to grab Remus’s, James's sobs filling the room too.

Sirius grasped uselessly at his face, his hair, his clothes, sobbing apologies that Remus was far too gone to hear, murmuring I love you’s against his lips that Remus was far too gone to feel.

Lily crouched down next to them, tears rolling down her own face. Harry’s cries had quieted significantly in the presence of his mother, but hadn’t completely stopped.

She placed a hand on Remus’s face, stroking it gently before closing his eyes with her fingers.

Sirius had half a mind to slap her hand away. No. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to let him go.

His body refused to speak, only allowed sobs to break from his chest so hard he was sure his ribs would break and his lungs would burst.

Remus. His Remus. His sweet, perfect Remus. How the hell did they end up like this? How did this happened to them?

“What the hell is on his forehead?” James asked with furrowed brows, voice broken as he looked at his son for the first time, protectiveness clear on his face.

Sirius, through his sobs, barely caught on to the lightning mark shaped cut on Harry’s forehead, small blots of blood dripping from it.

He stopped listening to their conversation after that. But he watched as James crawled to the other side of Remus next to Lily as he tightly put his arms around his family.

Sirius wanted to scream. Wanted to hate them. Congratulations on your perfect fucking family, mines dead right there, is what he wanted to say; what he would have said if he could speak. He knew it was unfair, but that wasn’t really one of his biggest concerns at the moment.

And while James clung to his family in relief, Sirius clung to his in misery. Wasn’t life just a bitch?

His back hurt from how hunched over he was in order to hug Remus’s body, but he could barely feel the pain of it. Couldn’t feel much of anything other than the one in this chest.

“Sirius…” James cooed gently through his own tears. “We have to go to Dumbledore.”

“Fuck Dumbledore!” He screamed, voice cracking. “Fuck everything! Fuck him! Fuck Moody! Fuck the Order!” He sobbed into Remus’s chest.

Harry, at his loud tone, cried harder, sensing the distress and feeling it himself. Lily stood and walked him around in the hall. If it were under any other circumstances, she’d have smacked Sirius right upside the head for using that language in front of her son.

“I know,” James choked out. “I know it hurts. But whoever did this could come back. We have to leave. It’s not safe here.”

Good, he thought immaturely. Let me die too.

James, watching him weep tirelessly into Remus, knew he would have to do better than that to get Sirius to leave.

“Come on. We’ll go to Dumbledore. We’ll use his pensive. We’ll get Remus’s memory and see what happened. We can see what the hell happened here,” he said as he pet his hand over Remus’s hair. "We can get...we can get some closure."

By this point Sirius was tired and unable to be consoled. His corners of his eyes burned where he rubbed them too hard and too often, his throat was raw from screaming, his body aching from the uncomfortable position, but most importantly was the way his heart had practically stopped beating the second he entered the room in solidarity of Remus’s.

When Sirius didn’t respond nor move from his spot on Remus’s chest, James sighed. “I’ll give you a few minutes, okay? But then we have to go.”

Sirius didn’t respond and James plucked the wand from his waistband, unwilling to let him be alone with magic, afraid of what he’d do.

James squeezed Remus’s hand once more before patting Sirius shoulder, whispering, “I’m sorry,” though Sirius wasn’t sure who it was meant for.

And Sirius stayed like that for what felt like hours, head on Remus’s shoulder like he could pretend that he was only sleeping and hadn’t been dead for hours at that point. Like they were in their bed in their flat and Sirius wasn’t horrible and he would never blame Remus for something so heinous. Like he didn't ruin the last few months of their relationship. The last few months of Remus's life.

After a while, the Aurors came and took Remus away. Sirius screamed and cried and hit like a child having their favorite toy taken away, but James held him, even though he didn’t want to be held. James held him close, rubbing a hand down his back, whispering to him, but eventually, it was his own exhaustion that wore him out. He sobbed in James’s arms when they took Remus away, and he didn’t stop for a long time.

—————————

James had to, by every stretch of imagination of the word, hold Sirius down when the Aurors took Remus.

Alice had been among them. She wiped the tears from her face before walking over to them, uttering her sincere apologies to James and Sirius, but Sirius was unresponsive and probably hadn’t even known she was there at all. Just screamed his throat raw and thrashed in James’s hold. James had asked her to bring Remus’s body to Dumbledore, as that’s where they’d be going. She told him that she would see would see what she could do.

It was painful. So, so painful. James had lost his best friend tonight. In fact, he probably lost two because James knew Sirius was going to be an absolute wreck without Remus. He lost his best friends tonight.

But the most painful part, James thinks, what hurt the most, was that Remus died alone.

Not literally, of course. There had been Harry, who, miraculously, survived with nothing but an odd scratch on his forehead. There had been whoever or whatever killed him, but Remus died alone.

He had died knowing that everyone, everyone including himself, Sirius, Peter, Marlene and Dorcas, Mary, likely Alice and Frank, and hell, maybe even Dumbledore and Moody assumed he was the traitor.

James would hate himself for a long time coming because of that. For daring to think that sweet, shy Remus would ever do that to his family. James would never forgive himself for letting Remus die in his house, with his son, in his clothes. He would never.

The least he could do for himself, as well as Sirius, was to watch his memory. See who killed him, what had happened, though he was sure he already knew the answer.

James had also, by every stretch of imagination of the word, had to physically carry Sirius out of the house. He draped one Sirius’s arms over his shoulders, held him by his side, and carried him downstairs and out the door where he saw Lily and Harry.

Lily was crying, though trying to rein it in knowing it would scare Harry whose big green eyes were wide and afraid as though he knows exactly what he’d just seen.

Lily didn’t say a word as she grabbed James’s shoulder and apparated them to Dumbledore’s office.

Dumbledore, upon their entry, was currently overlooking Remus’s body as it was lied down on a table by an unknown Auror. Moody was also present, standing in the back of the room.

James bit his lip hard enough to draw blood and turned the other way, afraid of how much worse it would affect Sirius who was still weeping at his side.

“I am very sorry for your loss,” Dumbledore started, voice aggravatingly calm. “Mr. Lupin was one of the best of us.”

For the first time since entering Harry’s nursery, Sirius had moved. His body tensed before shoving James off of him and stumbling on his own weight.

“This is all your fucking fault!” Sirius yelled, his face red and blotchy from crying.

“Mr. Black—“ he started.

“How much longer is it going to take, huh?! How many more of us having to fucking die for your cause before you do something about it?!” He screamed again.

Lily rocked their son as he began to cry, though his wails were hardly the loudest in the room.

“I understand your frustrations, Mr. Black. It has been, as I understand it, a terribly long war, and we are all growing weary,” Dumbledore spoke as he began to walk across his office, revealing his pensive. “It is my hope that Mr. Lupin is the last casualty that we will have to suffer.”

Sirius could find no more words to yell at the old man before his eyes found Remus’s body again, sobbing all over again before grabbing his hand.

James had never seen Sirius like this. Not when he ran away, not when he had heard of his brother’s passing, nor his father's, never.

His heart lurched for his best friends, and he swallowed the large lump in his throat. He had to be strong, for his family and for Sirius.

Dumbledore walked back toward Remus’s corpse and pulled his wand from his robes. He placed the wand at Remus’s temple before extracting a clutter of light blue particles a strikingly similar color to a Patronus. A memory.

Back at his pensive, he tapped his wand and the blue orbs floated down into the water before dispersing into swirls of blue and black.

Dumbledore, being the authority figure, used the pensive first. It was most important for him to do so quickly because if the culprit happened to be Voldemort, which it likely could have been, then Dumbledore could finally catch him out of hiding and end this forsaken war once and for all.

After what couldn’t have been more than a few minutes, his head emerged back up from the water. What James wasn’t expecting to see on his face when he came back up, however, was shock. James had never seen Dumbledore so surprised or caught off guard.

“Mr. Black, Mr. Potter,” he spoke, collecting himself quickly. “I imagine that you’re curious.”

James, once again, pulled Sirius away from the corpse and dragged him over to the pensive. Sirius would thank him later.

It was just big enough for the both of them to fit their heads in. They looked at each other, Sirius’s face full of nothing but misery and James couldn’t imagine that he looked much better.

With a deep breath, James plunged his head in.

The memories swirled, blurs of people skipping by until finally, the vision clears and it showed Remus’s night with Harry right after Lily and James and had left them.

Harry was giggling wildly as Remus bathed him, using his wand to make the toys float toward Harry playfully or having a blob of bubbles make their way to Harry’s nose. Harry splashed excitedly and Remus laughed, despite water getting all over himself and the rest of the bathroom. When Remus drained the tub, Harry squeezed his fists in Remus’s direction to be picked up. Remus, ready with a towel, grabbed him and dried him off, Harry laughing the whole time.

After that, when Harry still wasn’t tuckered out enough to sleep, Remus played with him on the living room floor, bringing over the basket of Harry’s toys. Once again, Remus used to magic to make the toys toddle toward Harry and Harry snatched them up playfully, waving them and babbling nonsense as though telling Remus a story. Remus nodded along, pretending to understand and even giving in his own responses. It was horribly endearing.

When Harry finally seemed to calm down, Remus picked him up and took him to his nursery and set Harry down in his crib. When he cried, Remus only picked him back up and opted for the rocking chair instead, stopping at the bookshelf before letting Harry point to a book. Harry was lax against Remus’s chest and he rocked them back and forth in the chair, voice quiet as he read to Harry. Remus, after Harry still refused to be let go by his uncle yet, walked around the room in circles, bouncing Harry in a soothing manner. This seemed to do the trick and Harry fell asleep with his hand in the collar of Remus’s shirt. He set Harry in his crib gently, rubbing a hand over his hair and whispering a goodnight.

The memories swirled again. Same night, different hour.

Remus was sitting in James’s chair reading when there was a crack. To his credit, Remus was on his feet in an instant, wand in hand as he approached the door.

It was Peter.

Peter was there tonight?

Remus was just about the turn his back when Peter had disarmed him.

For a second James thought that Peter’s paranoia of the spy was so bad, especially around Remus, and being around him by himself nonetheless, that he got scared and ensured Remus wasn’t a threat to him.

Oh, how wrong he was.

Peter’s wand pointed itself at Remus’s face. Still think it’s paranoia? How about when the dark lord, Voldemort himself, blew the front door right open and Peter Pettigrew kneeled at his feet.

It was Peter.

James couldn’t believe his eyes. There was no way in hell that Peter, his best friend since five years old Peter, would have— could have been the traitor.

But lo and behold.

Remus dashed for Harry, but he was stuck.

With no wand and no way out, Remus was truly and undoubtably stuck. And so was Harry.

Remus pushed as much furniture as he could find in front of the door before kneeling before Lily and his’s beautiful boy whose eyes were full of tears.

He wiped Harry’s tears, shushing him in comfort. James could see the absolute brokenness in his face, the undoubtable knowing in his eyes that he was about to die. And Remus had no way of knowing that Harry would live. James’s heart broke as he listened to Remus console Harry, “Your Uncle Moony loves you, Harry. Your mom and dad love you so much.” The words were jumbled.

He sang to Harry while the sound of footsteps in James’s ears grew closer. Harry smiled at Remus like he always did and reached out for him. His Uncle Moony.

The door behind Remus flew open and the furniture crashed into the wall.

He stood up and covered Harry’s small body with his own.

The words rung out as clear as day. “Avada Kedavra!”

There was a line of green that emitted from Voldemort’s wand that landed in the center of Remus’s chest.

And Remus was dead.

But there was something that James had never seen before. He had watched someone die from the killing curse one too many times while out on a mission, but it was nothing like this.

The same curse that killed Remus had reflected off of him, and shot right back at Voldemort.

And Voldemort was…dead?

Harry screamed and wailed as Remus’s body had crumpled next to his crib and Voldemort…his body shrunk and turned in to the same size as that of a baby, swimming in the cloak he had just been wearing.

Peter, the bastard, had come in running, taking one look at the scene before grabbing Voldemort’s shrunken body and running away with it.

Harry’s cries grew louder and louder until the memories swirled once more and James’s head launched from the water, out of breath.

His mouth was agape. What just happened? What the fuck just happened?

Sirius, who, for the first time since walking into Godric’s Hollow, had stopped crying and had the same look on his puffy face, mouth wide open and brows furrowed. They looked to Dumbledore for answers, who had stopped his conversing with Moody to look at them.

“What…happened?” Sirius rasped out.

Dumbledore, more bewildered than James had ever seen him, said, “it’s over. The war is over. Voldemort is dead.”

James blinked. So did Sirius. It was…over? Just like that? But how?

Lily ran to him, their son in her arms and he instinctively wrapped both of his arms around them, tears falling from their matching green eyes.

Tears began to fall again from Sirius’s eyes too, but they were silent. “How? How did—“ he cut himself off with a choke.

Dumbledore had whispered something to Moody, who whispered back. “Remus Lupin deflected the Killing Curse off of himself and back to Voldemort.”

James had seen it with his own eyes, yet it still sounded absolutely absurd out loud. “What? That’s not…how?” James asked desperately.

“Love,” Dumbledore said in a breath. “The amount of love he had not only for his godson, but for all of you…it saved us all. Voldemort is gone.”

It made no sense. None of it made any sense and all James wanted was answers, but the ones that Dumbledore was giving him weren’t good enough. It made no sense—

Sirius collapsed to his knees to the floor, clutching at his chest with one hand while the other kept him upright on the floor. He sobbed.

Unwrapping his arms from his wife and son, he kneeled next to Sirius, sobs breaking from his own chest.

None of it made any sense. But that didn’t stop the fact his best friend, Remus Lupin, the man he’d blamed for months, the man he’d accused of treachery, had died to save his son.

“This was the only thing we found among his belongings other than the clothes on his back,” said the nameless Auror, who cautiously walked over to him and Sirius. He and Sirius looked up slowly as the man held out a box, tears rolling relentlessly down Sirius's cheeks.

The both of them stared at it for what could have very well possibly been minutes before Sirius’s shaky hand reached out for it.

His fingers trembled harshly as the opened the velvet box.

And there it was.

A beautifully intricate silver ring with a tear drop-shaped gem made of moonstone. Carved on the inside was RJL + SOB, and if that wasn’t nice enough, the other side on the inside of the ring said pour mon étoile. And though James wasn’t sure what it meant, he was sure that it was lovely. And based off of Sirius reaction, it must have been.

He removed the ring from its box and held it in front of his face for a minute as though examining it while his lower lip trembled.

James held him when he bent over in tears, ring clutched tightly in his palm.

—————————

For the next few months, Sirius spent his days crying until he threw up, or unintentionally (James hoped) killing himself to find Peter, the damn traitor, who had completely disappeared off the grid. Sirius would go from sobbing on the floor, pressing his lips to the ring on his left ring finger to the worst case of rage James had ever seen from his best friend in only a matter of seconds.

The framed pictures that James had set face down throughout the months due to barely being able to stomach the thought of Remus being the spy now sat in their house back up, showing his face proudly. Remus holding Harry for the first time in the hospital laid on their mantel. Him, James, Sirius and Peter in their fourth year was on the end table next to their couch (Sirius had demanded it be taken down, that Peter be cut or burned out of the picture, so eventually James moved it to somewhere where Sirius didn't regularly go. His body wouldn't let him take Peter out of it). Remus and James in Hogsmeade was on his desk in the office of their new home. And there were so, so many Polaroids lying around the house, some of them on walls, others in a box with a bunch of Remus stuff as well as other pictures.

For the next few years, Harry Potter would grow up into a beautiful young boy and would hear stories left and right about his brave Uncle Moony who put him above all else. He, Sirius and Lily would show Harry pictures and letters, all of or from Remus as they swore they would never let each other, or Harry, forget him, not that they ever would. For the next few years, Harry Potter would grow up, and Remus Lupin would not.

And for the next decade, they spent the years dreading the return of Voldemort that they all knew was coming. But this time, they would be ready. Voldemort had done enough irreparable damage in their lives and they refused to let him do more, especially in Harry’s.

And James Potter knew that the second he died, he would be the first one in the afterlife to snatch Remus up and hug him, apologize to him, thank him. He would be the first one to show Remus Lupin how much he was loved, even though some might have considered it too late.

He would be the first one to find Remus. Except maybe Sirius, of course. After all, they still had a wedding they had to partake in.