Chapter Text
April 12, 1976
Dear Sirius,
It has been a week since you left. I cannot help but admit my admiration towards your courage and selfishness. It feels like everything I do is for everyone else; for Mother and Father. I admire you for choosing Gryffindor. I could have chosen Ravenclaw. It is just too bad that I cannot take disapproval like you.
If what I have written up to now has not shone a light brightly upon my truth, I really looked up to you. Maybe I still do. But you have left me, abandoned me, and now I feel like everyone and everything I love will leave me eventually. You were the only thing tying me down.
I’m so angry at you for vanishing in the night. I’m only fourteen. I need my older brother. How will I live in this house without you? I’m not the only angry one.
Father has been silent since you left, his tea growing cold as the hours tick by. I have caught him absentmindedly staring into the fireplace, brow creased as he swirls his wine in its goblet.
Mother is acting like nothing has happened. She is acting like you never even existed. I hate it. You exist whether they like it or not.
I hear them talking in the night, when they think I am asleep, about you. They plan to publicly disown you. I have heard them talking about it since before you left. Always the disappointment, Sirius. That means that I am the Black Heir. I don’t want to be. I want to do my own thing.
You have doomed me and there isn’t enough ink nor parchment that will allow me to convey my hatred towards you and what you have damned me to; not even words are enough.
Still, I want you back. I need you here.
R.A.B
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June 25, 1976
Dear Sirius,
It is my birthday. I’m fifteen now. I remember you telling me about your fifteenth birthday. I wish I could have been there. You make Gryffindor parties sound like such fun. I have never even attended a Slytherin party. I just know there is a lot of drinking.
I stayed in my room for as long as I could before Barty, Evan, Panda and Dorcas practically broke down the door even though two of them are in my dorm anyways. They didn’t do anything too big. We just sat by the lake. Barty and Evan were drinking though I’m not sure where they got it. One of the older students probably got them it.
I haven’t wanted to leave my room since you left. I feel so alone. I always had you there and now you’ve gone. You’re having fun with your friends while I’m sat in the doorless, windowless room you handmade for me
I’m still angry at you.
R.A.B
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July 5, 1976
Dear Sirius,
It is summer now. The leaves are that glorious crisp green brought along with the half-decent weather. The grass doesn’t seem to be appreciating it very much, however. It is slowly turning yellow. The house feels so much more empty without you here. I only have Kreacher to talk to.
I miss yours and Mother’s fights. I miss the yells filling the house. I miss you coming into my room after and us planning to run away from here together. Funny how that turned out. You could have taken me with you. We planned to go together,
Bellatrix and Cissy are visiting at the weekend so there is that to look forward to I suppose. I’ve always liked Cissy. She has always been so kind. She will be an amazing mother though I’m not sure how her fiance will be as a parent. I haven’t really heard much about him. I might ask. Their wedding is in the winter. I wish you could be there.
I’ll never forgive you but I will always miss you.
R.A.B
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November 3, 1976
Dear Sirius,
Happy seventeenth birthday, if you ever see this. It's been six months since you ran away. Cissy’s wedding is on December 13th. I’m going to get my dress robes tailored in a few hours. I heard your Halloween party was amazing. I bet your birthday party will be just as good.
I wish you were here.
R.A.B
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December 25, 1976
Dear Sirius,
Happy Yule. I know you’ll be having fun. You always do at the Potters. You always seemed to appreciate James as more of a brother to you than me.
Cissy’s wedding was beautiful. She wore the most gorgeous black wedding gown ever. Her makeup was smoked. I truly cannot describe how stunning it was. Mother wouldn’t stay for the after-party. I wanted to. Cissy even tried to get her to let me stay and she would bring me home. Of course, Mother being Mother, I had to go.
I’m beginning to worry about my sixteenth birthday. Mother and Father have been going into more and more meetings with You-Know-Who and they can never look me in the eye after. Something is planned and I am involved. I don’t know what it is. It may be getting the Dark Mark or I may have to be killed. I don’t know. I’m hoping for the latter, if I’m being honest. I don’t think I can live with the guilt.
I need you right now.
R.A.B