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Hello, My name is Araceli. I am a patient at McLean Hospital. This is my story. I rather like it here, the rooms are bright and airy, the doctors and nurses are friendly. I am allowed to paint on my good days, the days when the nurses let me go to the art room and talk to the other patients. Some of the other patients like it here too, but others they don't talk. You might be wondering why I am telling you this, but the doctor recommended that I keep a journal since I have memory blackouts. She thinks it might help me figure out what is going on, or at the very least keep track of what events I do remember. Goodbye for today Araceli
My name is Lira. I hate it here at McLean, it's sterile and oppressive. The rooms are blank and white like the patients minds. They don't think for themselves, and they just float through their days in a haze brought on by the medicine they are given. I refused to take my medicine today and have hidden it in the plant that is in the common room while the nurses weren't watching me. They seem to have realized I am not on my medicine and have confined me to my room for the day. I want to be free of this place, to see the sun and feel the wind! I will get out one of these days. I don't remember much of yesterday, I remember breakfast and going back to my room for a nap, but that is all. When I woke up I was sitting in my chair by the window and my door was locked. When I knocked on it the nurse asked me how I was feeling, I told her how I couldn't remember how I got into my chair to which she gave me a sad smile and asked if I was hungry. Why can't I remember what happened? It boggles my mind. Today I woke up in the common room ugh this room is so boring. A few plants dotted around the room fake though. There is a nurse just outside of the door but she is chatting with another nurse and not paying attention completely. I walk carefully and calmly to the window and oh the sun looks glorious outside. As I lay my hand against the glass I can feel the warmth seep into my skin, it feels absolutely marvelous. I want to feel the sun on my skin without the glass in-between. Before I can comprehend what I am doing, I slam my hand into the glass as hard as I can—regrettably the glass is thicker than it appears so all it does is bruise my knuckles and draw the attention of the nurses. I can hear them in the background paging the orderlies to come assist in 'controlling an unruly patient'. There are voices all around me telling me that I need to calm down. Don't they understand I don't want to be calm I want to be outside! Blackness swims over my vision and I know no more.
Its dark,what happened? I feel so groggy and sore. Why can't I move? Shifting I can look down and see that my hands are bound to my bed. What happened? What don't I remember? Why can't I remember? I call out and the door opens, one of the nurses enters calmly.
“Hello Araceli” there is a faint questioning note in her voice.
“Hello Nurse, what happened? Why am I tied up?”
“There was an incident earlier, are you feeling better?”
“Yes, what happened? I can't remember anything.”
“Nothing big. I am glad you are feeling better. Let me untie you now dear.” The nurse walks over and carefully unties Araceli's hands from her bed. “Your wrists might be a bit sore, so just rotate them a little bit. Do Not take off the bandages though you banged up your knuckles a bit.”
Its so strange, why won't she tell me what happened? I look at my hands wrapped tightly in gauze and try to puzzle out what I did to cause this damage. I can't even flex my fingers. Sadly this means that I am not able to paint today because I can't hold a brush. Painting is my favorite time of the day but that has been taken from me with something that I can't remember. Why can't I remember?
I shall have to be more careful about my impulses but I just wanted to feel the sun! I am under constant watch now, one of the aides or nurses is always near me. This is not good, how am I supposed to plan my escape if I am being watched constantly? Finally! It is shift changing time which means there will be about five minutes where there is no one watching me, time to leave! Quick check, the hallway is empty I run down it as quietly as I can till I get to the main entrance way. The receptionist isn't there, looks like she has left for her lunch break I can see the doors and the sun! I bolt for them unbelieving as I make it outside. I stop and stare around me, it is so bright out here, there are so many colors, some that I have never even imagined could exist. The sun feels wonderful on my skin so warm. I hear the alarm going off from inside the hospital. They know I have escaped! I turn around to see security officers coming out to bring me back. No! They will never bring me back into that bleak place. I run but nearly am hit by a car, in the aftermath the security guards are able to grab me. They lift me up under my arms and begin to drag me into the hospital.
“Nooo! I won't go back! You can't make me!”
“Miss. You need to go back, it is important for your health and safety.” I struggle against them to no avail.
We get back into the sterile prison that they consider a hospital. A nurse approaches with a needle, and sticks it into my arm that another nurse is holding still as the security officers are holding my body. Blackness begins enveloping my vision again.
I wake up in a different room, one that is not my own. The walls are cushioned and there is nothing in here but a pillow a blanket and me. Why am I here? I call out to the nurse on duty and I hear a grating noise as a window in the door is slid open from the outside.
“Araceli?”
“Yes, what is going on, why am I in here and not in my room?”
“These will be your new quarters Araceli, we have had several incidents, and this is the best solution to it.”
“I'm going to live here,but why what have I done?”
“You've tried to escape several times Araceli.”
“No, no I haven't!”
“You don't remember what happened but you have tried a few times. We believe you might have split personality disorder, and it is the other personality that is trying to escape. Unfortunately it appears that personality is stronger than you. So you are in here for your safety and our peace of mind.”
“I am to stay here forever?”
“Yes, at least until we can be sure what is truly going on with you.” her tone at this isn't very hopeful.
This place is no longer a home, I am in a prison now. I cannot escape. I WILL escape.