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I don’t know how to describe it, it’s so complicated, but I know I like the way it feels. It feels good, it feels warm, and comfortable, a kind of comfort that only exists when we’re together. I’ve never been good with words. You were always the loud one who talked his mind, never hesitated to say what he thought, what he wanted, what he felt. I never did. Words can be tricky. So I don’t know how to say things, I've tried, believe me, but I just don’t. Instead, I try to show it.
So when I see how much work you have every day, and I see how empty your fridge is, I go and buy some groceries because I know you won’t have time to. I try to cook in my spare time, cook for you so you actually have something to eat. It's not easy, but I’m learning. I clean your house sometimes, when you can't get out of bed because it's all too much. Some days are harder, it's okay, I understand.
I believe you know. When you catch me staring, looking a little too hard, a little too long, sometimes it feels like you know. Like you understand. My mind is playing tricks on me, it drives me crazy. Maybe I try to convince myself that you do know, just to cope with the fact that I can't confess my feelings for you. What we have, our relationship, the life we’ve built over the years, I can’t risk it. It would be unfair, to both of us, and the people who love you. So I close my eyes and tell myself that you already know, from the way I look at you, the way I act around you, the things I say when I'm drunk and can’t seem to keep my emotions to myself. And so I don’t have to worry about what you really think of it.
We could live together, you know. It would make things so much easier. I mean, we practically already do. You're always hanging out at my place during whatever little free time you have, and when you can't then it's the other way around. We have sleepovers all the time, breakfast at my place, dinner at yours. I really think it would make things easier if we made it official and just moved in together. I would wake up to your oh so beautiful face every morning, make you breakfast, bring it to bed. I’d be happy, I know I would. I like to think you would, too.
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You're so busy all the time. Always out of town for god knows what mission, solving everyone's problems, healing the world. And when you are home, you still have tons of work to do, mountains of paperwork, hours of listening to people complaining about this and that.
I know you've always struggled with this. All of this. You had to work so hard to get to where you are now, and I am so incredibly proud of you. But sometimes, I worry. Because you never stop working, that’s all you do. You forget to sleep, to eat, sometimes you forget to take care of yourself and it scares me. I am your friend, your one and only. You said it yourself, remember? That’s why I care about you, and I want what's best for you.
I see you change, try to change. You cut your hair, change your clothes, your diet, sometimes even the way you talk, depending on who you're talking to. You want to be perfect so that everyone respects you. Believe me, they do. You don’t have to prove yourself anymore, you already have, countless times. You’re perfect just the way you are, people love you, so so much. At least I do. I love you, Naruto.
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Today you were different, and I couldn’t help but notice the dark circles under your eyes, and that frown on your face. You looked much calmer, lonelier than usual. I wanted to know what was wrong. "I want to visit him," you said. So we went to visit him, like we usually do on bad days. I look at the trees, the grass, the beautiful flowers pointing towards the sun. I look at the cross, the dark wooden cross, rising from the ground. And I look at you, like I always do, and I see the pain. Your pain. The sunlight, lighting up your face, can’t erase the sorrow in your eyes. The grief, in your heart. It cannot dry the tears rolling down your face, and neither can I. So I take your hand in mine, hold it tight so you remember, you’re not alone, you’re here with me, and I hope you know.
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The last days, weeks even, have been hard for the both of us. Especially for you. What’s going on in your head, I wonder. You’ve been more distant, I don’t know why. I wish you’d talk to me. You don’t have to deal with everything on your own, we can do it together. You have friends you can count on, they all care about you. You don’t need to “protect” them, or protect me, from anything. You don’t have to be strong, whatever that means, you don’t have to keep everything to yourself. To me, you’re already the greatest leader this village could ever wish for. I can’t see anyone else doing what you do better. Really.
Everybody admires you, they are grateful for you. They hang your picture anywhere and everywhere they can so that every time they walk past it they see you. It’s like a reminder that you exist and that life can only be good, better, because you are there. Everybody has a picture of you standing on their bedside table. When the sun sets and the moon rises, when it's time to go to bed, they look at you and think. About you. About the future. It scares them sometimes, there are so many things to be afraid of, you know. But if you're there, if they have you, then I guess things won’t be so bad.
When I say “everybody”, I’m actually referring to me.