Work Text:
Momentum carries Jungkook through space and time. He makes it home as if moving on autopilot. Aware of just enough to not collide into objects as he makes his way home. He speaks enough to tell the cab driver where he is going but fails at any kind of small talk. Unaware if the driver even tries.
The apartment is empty when he gets home. There are no sounds of music or the smell of cooking. It feels hollow as Jungkook makes his way inside, barely aware enough to shut the door behind himself.
The momentum that got him this far carries him through the apartment towards his bedroom. His eyes are unseeing as he moves past the interrupted meal, still sitting on the coffee table in the living room. He sheds his jacket as he makes his way down the hall. He’s almost there, and he can feel it inside his chest. He’s almost out of momentum.
His bedroom is a mess. Dirty clothes litter the floor around the laundry basket, failing to make their way inside. Jungkook tugs at the knot around his throat and loosens the necktie just enough to slip it off over his head and drop it to the floor. The inertia gets him to his bed where he flops face down into the pillows. Momentum depleted.
Gripping the edges of the pillows, Jungkook lets loose a yell muffled by fabric and stuffing. Now that he’s started, he can’t stop. Tears wet the pillow as a grief so deep and terrible it feels it’ll never end rips from his throat. There’s no one there to hear him. No comfort to find him.
He’s alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Like the momentum that carried him home, the energy drains out of him with his wails. Sleep, merciful and empty, takes him under. His funeral clothes are not the best bedclothes, but he doesn’t care. There’s nothing to care for anymore. The one constant in his life is gone.
Gone.
Gone.
Ever since he was young, there was only Jungkook and his mother. Friends came and went, but his mother was always there. Jungkook’s father had disappeared when he was still too young to remember his face except through photographs. His grandparents tried to help, but his mother was fiercely independent and passed that on to him. They only needed one another.
Which is why, when Jungkook finally got his first job, the only person he wanted to celebrate with was his mother. He gifted her his first paycheck, and she took it, proudly.
He treated her to dinner after his first promotion.
They celebrated every milestone, and his life was filled with her smile, her hugs, and her words of encouragement. Now silent and gone forever. A hole has been ripped in his life that can never be patched and leaves Jungkook feeling hollow. Empty. Bereft.
Time passes, and Jungkook can barely be bothered to notice. He answers only his body’s most basic needs: sleep, use the bathroom, and sleep again. Hunger doesn’t even occur to him. His entire body is hollow, and his stomach seems to be only a part of the emptiness.
How can he fill the hole left by his mother's passing with anything?
There's a ringing noise, and Jungkook thinks for a second it's his subconscious in the half-waking state he's been living in. He finally finds the energy to get up and, thinking of the ringing noise, checks his front door. There, on the doorstep, is a plastic bag. Did he order something? He doesn't remember doing so. His body is stiff as he bends over to pick up the bag and bring it inside. The smell of food wafts from the package, and his stomach lurches, making its demands more insistent.
Frowning, Jungkook takes the bag into the kitchen and opens it. On top, there is a piece of paper. It's too large to be a receipt, so Jungkook unfolds it.
Jungkook,
We're so sorry for your loss. Your mother was a delight and a thoughtful neighbor. She always made sure my granny was fed, so it seems only fair to return the favor to her only son. There's more where this came from.
Min Yoongi
Unit 107
Jungkook reads the note and rereads it until the words make sense. He remembers Min Yoongi. He was ahead of him in school, but they sometimes had lunch together on the weekends when his mom brought food over for the haelmoni next door. He was quiet, but nice.
Jungkook opens the containers inside. A stack of Tupperware filled with japchae, grilled meats, sauteed veggies, and a few rolls of kimbap. This is more than enough food for one person for a few meals. Just looking at it, his mouth starts to salivate. He grabs a roll of the kimbap and puts away the rest so it doesn't spoil. Sitting at his mother's table with a bottle of water, Jungkook eats the first food he's had in a day. Or is it two? Time isn't real anymore, but slowly his body starts to feel more solid. He should eat more, and now he has something to get him through until he can do work for himself again. Though that seems impossible right now, there's a logical part of his brain that tells him it'll come sooner than he expects as the kimbap slowly disappears.
Jungkook looks around his mother's bedroom, frozen with indecision. These are her things; how can he possibly get rid of any of them? He knows he doesn't have forever to figure this out. He only has his leave from university for a few more days, and there are choices to make. Should he let go of the apartment and stay in the dorms through graduation? Or should he give up his housing and stay here? He hasn't lived at home full-time for a few years, but the thought of getting rid of the apartment seems too big. So he decides to start small: her room. Now that he's standing in it though, surrounded by her clothes, her jewelry, and her smell, it's him who seems small. He's back to being a little kid crawling into her bed because of a nightmare. Or dancing around the room with her as she folds laundry.
Ding.
His phone vibrates in his pocket.
Kim Namjoon: hey, we're coming over.
Jungkook's eyebrows draw together. Who is 'we' and why are they coming?
Less than ten minutes later there's a knock at the door and Jungkook gets his answer. Kim Namjoon stands there with Jung Hoseok and a few boxes of pizza.
"Hey, Jungkook," the sunbaes say, pushing their way into the apartment. Jungkook puts up no resistance. Especially since his appetite has been renewed with Min Yoongi's meals. Too bad they’re almost gone.
"I'm not complaining that you showed up with pizza," Jungkook says, following them into the kitchen, "but what are you doing here?"
Namjoon sets down the pizzas as Hoseok pulls a bag off his back. "We're here to check on you," Hoseok says with a smile that isn't quite as bright as usual. "And we have some handouts from your classes so you don't fall too far behind." He reaches into the bag and pulls out a manila folder, handing it to Jungkook.
"Thanks," Jungkook accepts the pages and ducks into his room to tuck it into his school bag so he doesn't lose it.
They eat pizza at the kitchen counter. Namjoon and Hoseok talk to him about what's been going on at campus, and it makes things feel kind of normal for a short while. It's not until they are cleaning up from their meal that reality creeps back in.
"So, do you need help with anything around here?" Namjoon tucks the cloth he used to wipe the counter down back into the handle of the oven where Jungkook's mom always drapes it to dry.
Jungkook's eyes dart towards the hall that leads to the bedrooms. "I appreciate it," he starts to say, but Hoseok holds up a hand and stops him.
"We're here, please let us do something. Anything.”
Jungkook's heart sinks, feeling heavy and too big for his chest. How can he say no, when they are right here? Besides, he's been trying to do this by himself all morning and hasn't gotten anywhere. "I need some help packing up my mom's stuff," he admits in a small voice.
"We can help," Namjoon says without hesitation. "We can set up piles of 'keep,' 'donate,' and 'dispose' then go from there. We did something similar when I moved out of the house last year. I promise, it makes things go so much smoother."
Jungkook's feelings become a knot in his chest, and he struggles to breathe around it. His mom didn't move away. She isn't coming back. Still, he understands what Namjoon means. He nods, his vision blurring with unshed tears. He forces a smile. "Thanks," he manages to choke out.
"Oh, Jungkook," Hoseok coos and throws an arm around him. "You've got us, don't worry. We'll help."
And, for the first time since he got home from the funeral, Jungkook begins to sob. There's something about being held up by the arms of his friends that helps free the grief that has been weighing him down in a way he hadn't even noticed. They don't say anything, but just hold him until he catches his breath once more. Then they go into his mom's bedroom and get to work. Jungkook sits on the bed as Namjoon and Hoseok go through the closet and dresser, holding up items and waiting for Jungkook's judgment. Not having to touch the items himself makes it infinitely easier to pile the majority of the women's clothing into the donate pile. Jungkook only keeps his mother's oversized sweater she would wear around the house because it still smells like her. He holds it to his chest as they begin to go through the jewelry and trinkets. Before too long, the room is cleared of his mother's things and put into either boxes or bags. Then his friends take away the items for donation or disposal so Jungkook doesn't have to do it himself.
For the first time in a few days, a sense of relief helps clear the clogging feelings of grief he's been choking on since his mother's passing. Jungkook can breathe a little easier today and things don't feel as soul-crushingly overwhelming.
A knock at Jungkook’s door has him looking up from the pile of kitchenware he’s amassed around him, trying to decide what he needs, what he knows how to use, and what can be donated. He feels woefully uninformed about some of the tools, but he wants to keep them anyway. It has gotten dark outside without his notice.
Pushing himself to his feet, Jungkook steps over a stand-mixer he will never use (but his mother loved) and makes his way to the front door. A secret part of him hopes it’s Yoongi dropping off more food so he doesn’t have to use any of the kitchen gadgets he’s been sorting.
Instead, he finds Kim Seokjin, his childhood friend that he hasn’t seen in almost four years since he moved away to attend university in another city. Seokjin smiles and holds up his hands: one has a take-out bag and the other a stack of video games. “Guess who is in town and blowing off their sister’s graduation party to hang out?” He announces cheerfully.
Jungkook blinks at him in confusion. “Um, you?”
“Always so smart.” Seokjin throws him a wink and invites himself into the apartment like he had a hundred times in their youth. Stunned, Jungkook shuts the door behind him and follows the older man into the living room. Seokjin sets out two cardboard containers filled with fried chicken and a six-pack before heading to the television.
Jungkook stares in amazement as Seokjin moves about the living room with familiarity and ease. There’s something comforting about the older man’s presence in his life, dropping in like nothing has changed. Like the world hasn’t tilted on its axis and nearly thrown Jungkook off. “Hyung?” His voice cracks with the swell of emotion bubbling up in his chest.
Seokjin freezes and glances over his shoulder from where he is setting up the game system Jungkook has used since he started university. “Yes?” Whatever Seokjin sees on his face seems to break the spell his hyung has cast. The smile melts as he stands up and takes a few steps towards Jungkook. Warm arms wrap around him as Seokjin pulls him into a hug. “I’m here, Jungkook. It’ll be okay.”
A few tears slip through, but they don’t feel like the flood Jungkook has been crying through for days. He hugs Seokjin. “Thank you.”
The rest of the night they eat chicken, play video games, and the world feels a little more like it used to. Even for just a little bit.
By the end of the weekend, Jungkook has managed to clear away his mother's things without making it feel like she was never there to begin with. There are still pictures up on the walls. Her favorite trinkets line the window in the kitchen next to her green onion plant. Jungkook has also managed to catch up on his homework and deal with (at least the beginning) the paperwork that comes with someone's passing. He's only twenty-two, but he feels he's aged a decade. There's something about not having his mom there to help him through this process that makes him feel lost, but also a little accomplished once he realizes he can do it. That it's not hopeless. He has also decided that he's going to move back to the apartment rather than stay in the dorms. It's a short train ride, but he can't fathom letting the apartment go or allowing it to sit empty.
So, Monday morning he's getting ready to leave and head to class. He'll have to talk to the administration and move his stuff out of the dorm. First, he needs to leave the apartment.
He hasn't gone outside since his mother's funeral and all of a sudden the world feels too big.
His bag is packed, and he's dressed, but he keeps finding things to clean or put away rather than head out the door. There's a whole world out there that has continued to move on while Jungkook has been in his bubble of grief, sorrow, anger, acceptance - what have you will. He's let things into his bubble, but this is the first time he'll be leaving. How will he maneuver in the world now that he's on his own? The knowledge of his mother's passing clings to him like a miasma and it feels wrong to carry that out the door.
Just as he's about to make sure the stove is off (again, though he never turned it on this morning) there's a knock at the door. Jungkook is surprised to find Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung standing on his doorstep. They've been friends since primary school. While he and Jimin got into university together, Taehyung went to an art school a few hours away. "Tae, Jimin," he gasps, eyes wide. "What are you doing here?"
"We're taking you to school, silly," Tae says. "Come on!"
"But, you don't even go to our university." Despite his confusion, Jungkook reaches for his backpack. It's just like high school, the two of them showing up at his apartment door to make sure he isn't late.
"Details," Jimin dismisses with a wave of his hand. "Taehyungie has come to make sure his favorite dongsaeng gets to class, who are you to deny him?"
Jungkook chuckles, actually laughs, when he thought he wouldn't ever be able to again. "Sorry, hyungs."
"That's more like it." Tae gives him a big square smile and ruffles his hair. "Now, let's get going. The train is going to be packed this time of morning."
Shoes on, bag on his shoulder, Jungkook follows them into the hall. There's something familiar about the three of them, knocking shoulders down the narrow hallways, that pushes away the miasma.
As they turn to leave the building, the door opens, and in steps Min Yoongi. He's carrying some grocery bags and Jimin rushes to hold the door open for him.
"Good morning, Min Yoongi-ssi," Jungkook says with a bow. "Thank you for the food. I'll return the containers to you once I've cleaned them."
Yoongi shrugs, shifting the weight of the bags now that his hands are free. "Don't worry about it," Yoongi insists. "I'm just glad you ate them. I know I'm not as good a cook as your mom."
Jungkook shakes his head. "No, it was delicious. Thank you, Yoongi-hyung."
Yoongi just hums and nods. "Take care of yourself, Jungkook," he says and shuffles off down the hall.
"Min Yoongi cooked for you?" Jimin whispers, hooking his arm around Jungkook's and pulling him out the door.
"Your crush is showing," Taehyung sing-songs as they make their way onto the sidewalk. Jimin turns and hits Tae and the two giggle, making Jungkook smirk as well.
The sun is shining. Cars are humming along the streets. People scurry to their morning destinations and Jungkook takes a deep breath, feeling the sun on his skin for the first time in days.
Maybe he isn't as alone as he first thought, he reflects walking to the train station with his friends. Sure, his mother's absence is still a dull pain in his chest, but with the sun shining down on him he feels like she's smiling on him from heaven. His friends are here now, making sure he's not alone. And that's a good feeling.