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He was breathing. People around him were talking, but he didn't have the energy to pay attention. He'd failed. Someone had found him before it was too late.
Jackson slowly became aware one of the voices in the room was Bellamy's.
Bellamy had found him before it was too late. Jackson now vaguely remembered Bellamy picking him up off his bed and running to medical with Jackson in his arms. Jackson had been too weak to protest, but he pleaded with the universe that he would bleed out before Bellamy got there.
If only I'd had a bathtub full of warm water.
"You should have let me die," he croaked, not opening his eyes.
"Like hell I was gonna let you die!" Bellamy spat, his tone furious. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"
"Bellamy, lower your voice." That was Abby. Of course it was. Jackson felt her hands on him, checking his vitals.
Three days ago, the City of Light had been destroyed. Alie had been destroyed. Jackson was disconnected, under his own control again. And he remembered everything he'd done.
It was all he'd been able to think about for three days.
"You know," he said, gesturing vaguely toward Bellamy's voice, ignoring the pain it sent through his now-stitched up wrist.
"I know what?" Bellamy said.
"What it feels like," Jackson managed. "To not be able to look at yourself." He felt his face crumple and his eyes prickle. A moment later, tears slid out of his still-closed eyes.
Jackson had taken the chip to be a better doctor. He'd taken it because all those people who died at Mount Weather died because he suggested to Abby that they use the Mountain Men's medical resources. He'd taken the chip because watching the love of his life side with Pike, watching Bellamy commit terrible acts, watching Bellamy start to loathe himself, was breaking Jackson's heart.
He felt Bellamy curl his hand around his gently, and Jackson let out a sob. "No," he said, and Bellamy's hand withdrew.
"Abby, I am so sorry," he choked out. "I thought I was doing what was best for you. I handed Raven that scalpel. I… Arkadia… it fell because you took the chip, and I handed Raven the scalpel." There was no stopping the flow of tears now.
"You should be sorry," Abby said, and the words made Jackson flinch.
She should have let him die. He should have died the way he was going to let Raven die.
Jackson flinched again when her cool fingers pressed to his forehead, then stroked his hair. "You should be sorry for what you did tonight, Jackson," she said. "We all did terrible things. We've all done terrible things."
Jackson shook his head. "Not me," he said, hot tears streaming over his temples and into his hair. "I was a good man."
"You still are," Bellamy insisted. "That wasn't you with that thing in your head. You--"
"I let them crucify people, Bellamy!" he shouted, and then felt instantly winded. He kept his eyes clamped shut, not able to face either of them. Not his oldest friend and mentor. Not his love. "You should have let me die," he said. "I'm not a good man anymore."
The room was silent for a long moment, then Bellamy said, "Maybe there are no good men anymore."
Jackson shook his head, the most profound sadness he'd ever felt settling into his chest. "Then this is not a world I want to live in anymore."