Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Dear Sirius, 

I took the mark tonight. Pardon my handwriting, I am still shaking so terribly. I wish you were here. You used to make everything better. 

It burns still, although not as badly as at first. I thought my arm would come off. I wonder if it will ever stop burning, or if I am always to be aware of it. It is so ugly. Black and horrifying. I am deformed, and it will never, never come off. I tried, you know. I know it was completely mad, but as soon as I got to my room, I scrubbed and scrubbed at it. It won’t come off. I want to throw up every time I catch a glimpse. I want to bind my arm and never look at it again. I want to take a knife and cut my arm until you can’t tell that there is anything there. Would it keep burning even then, I wonder? I want you. I want you to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be ok. Why didn’t you take me with you? I would have come. How could you leave me here? Alone. With her. If you had only taken me with you, none of this would have happened. I would be fine. It’s all your fault; it’s your fault that I am branded now. If you had just asked

No. That’s not fair. I’m sorry I’m so irrational tonight. I hardly know what I’m writing. I’m so tired. I think I’ll try to sleep now. Maybe when I wake up, things will be ok again. 

Love, 

Regulus

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Dearest Jamie,

I’m so sorry, darling. I would give anything not to have broken your heart, but it wouldn’t work. It can’t work. I am too far gone now; there is nothing and no one who could help me. I had to let you go for your own safety and happiness. When I told you today, you accused me of being heartless, of not caring for you. If only you could have seen me after you left. I love you. I know I never said it. But I do, I love you so much more than you could ever imagine. I wish now that I had said it back before the winter holidays. I wish that you knew. If only I had more courage. But what could I do? With this mark on my arm, what could I do?

Don’t worry, darling, you’ll move past me. You’ll find someone else to love, someone to live and die for. That’s just the way you were built. You have to love someone. You burn so brightly, my love, and you must have someone to burn for. I wish that someone could be me, but it can’t. Maybe in another life. I’m so terribly sorry to have hurt you, but I know you’ll find a way past this. We weren’t even together for long, and never properly. Never openly. And, really, it would never have worked. We could never have truly been together. Sirius would never forgive us, for one thing, and my mother would never allow it for another. No, there was only sneaking around and meeting in secret for us. Really, you were never mine. It was so fast, so hidden. It won’t take long to forget me. Maybe someday, you’ll hardly remember me. I hope at least that you won’t hate me forever. 

I’ll miss you forever, though. I’ll miss talking to you, kissing you, being held by you. You may not have been mine, but I’ll always be yours.

Love,

Your Regulus

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Dear Sirius,

Congratulations! I am so proud of you, even if I couldn’t tell you officially. I wish I could have just gone and hugged you after the ceremony. I always knew you would graduate top of your class. Mother used to tell me that you would be a dropout. Even now, I laugh thinking about it. YOU? A dropout? I can’t imagine what she was thinking. You’re so effortlessly intelligent, you get top marks without even trying. And you really do care, though you pretend like you couldn’t care less. Maybe you have our classmates fooled, but not me. I know how much you care. You did tell me things, once upon a time.

I wonder what you’ll do now. Probably you’ll go into the Auror’s program, since I hear that’s what James is doing. If things had worked out differently, I might know exactly what both of you are planning on doing. I think I remember when we were really little kids, you wanted to be a dragon-tamer. You certainly made me play the dragon enough. Then, after your first year, you wanted to be a curse-breaker. I don’t know after that. If there’s one thing I don’t want, it’s for you to be caught up in this dreadful war. I wish that you would stay far away. Knowing you, I don’t have much hope for that, but I can wish it, can’t I?

I do know that, whatever you do, you’ll be great at it. I’m so happy for you. I’m truly happy that you are free to do what you want. And that you’ll have people to support you while you do it. I saw the Potters clapping for you today, and it made me hurt a little, but it also made me so pleased for you. So relieved. I’m glad you found a family, one that’s less completely messed up than mine. I only wish that I could be a part of that family. 

Once again, congratulations. I am proud of you, and I sincerely hope that you have success in whatever you do next.

Love,

Regulus

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Dearest James,

I’m so lonely tonight, darling. Do you mind if I talk to you? I miss you so much. I’m so alone. I used to have friends, but they all joined with me, and they aren’t really my friends anymore. There are no friends in the Death Eaters. I would never have thought that Barty would turn on me, but sometimes I catch him looking at me, and I’m scared. Scared that if he knew what I was thinking, he would be the first in line to see me dead. It’s a very lonely place. 

Whatever you’re imagining the Death Eaters are like, reality is probably worse. Last night, I watched three of my peers (can you call them colleagues?) be tortured. And I was thinking, ‘only three tonight, that’s not bad.’ Why do people love him so much? I understand being somewhat excited originally. I’m rather ashamed, but when Narcissa and Bellatrix started telling me about him, I was interested and even a little excited. They made it sound so wonderful, talking about radicalism and uprooting a corrupt government. But as soon as I met him, the charm faded. He’s awful. Something about him just isn’t right. The things I see, the things I hear… I’m glad you’ll never know. I live in dread of being asked to do something that I can’t come back from. Something that you would never forgive me for. 

And yet, with all of that, what hurts me the most is knowing that I’ll never see you again. I miss you at night, and I miss you more in the morning. I suppose it’s crazy, being this heartbroken over something that really only lasted a few months. But I must hold on to something, or I’ll go mad. So I hold onto you. You don’t mind, do you? If the worst thing I do is love you, when I have no right to do so, that would be alright. You are so lovely, Jamie. You are so kind, brave, and selfless. You’ll do anything for what you believe in, and you would never do something that you know is wrong. Just thinking of you makes me feel a little braver. It gives me the strength to get out of bed, because I know you would want me to. 

Thank you for letting me talk to you. It feels pathetic to put this down, knowing I’ll never send it. But I had to tell someone, even if they don’t know I’m telling them. I love you forever, darling.

Love,

Your Regulus

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Dearest, darling, detestable Mother,

I’m shaking right now, but not from fear. For the first time, not from fear. From sheer, unadulterated, vindictive pleasure. My hands won’t stop shaking, and I keep laughing out of nowhere. Isn’t that awful? To laugh when you’re told your mother is dead? But I did. I laughed and laughed. I’m sure Kreacher thinks I’m going mad. Maybe I am, but I’ve outlasted you. I’ve outlasted you. You told me once that you would never let me go, that you would always know my every move. But you’re dead now, and I’m not. Maybe I won’t be alive much longer, but I lived longer than you. 

I won’t attend your funeral. I won’t perform any rites for you. You can go rot in hell without any help from me. You know your collection of china that you were so proud of? Smashed it, smashed it all. And I’m drinking your wine, the stuff so expensive that you would never in a million years have actually opened it. I’ve drunk half a bottle already. Who knows? Maybe I’ll dump the rest down the drain and go start on another one. 

Who’s to stop me? No one. I can finally, finally, do exactly whatever the fuck I want, and no one can stop me. So, goodbye, bitch. Go to hell and mingle with all the other demons. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to have you. Throw one of your Yule parties, it’ll be right up their alley.

Fuck you,

Regulus

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Dear Sirius,

I killed a man tonight. I can still see his face in my mind. His eyes were so empty. I never understood the difference between a person and a body before, but now I do. I’ll never be able to sleep again. I don’t even know his name. They brought him in and told me to kill him. And I did. How could I have done it? I don’t know who he is. I don’t know if he had family. I just did it anyway. But they all celebrated me. Everyone was laughing. Bella hit me on the back and congratulated me. How can people become so callous that they laugh when someone dies? I ended up outside, and I threw up until I couldn’t anymore. Barty found me there and yelled at me. Said, ‘there’s no regret in the Death Eaters’. He’s never yelled at me before. I hardly recognize him sometimes. 

I definitely don’t recognize myself. When I look in the mirror, I don’t know who is looking back at me. I don’t know if there’s anything left of who I was. I feel more like a hollow imitation; only half-alive. He does that to you. You feel like everything that makes you alive, that keeps you sane, is being consumed by Him. All the Death Eaters are the same. We are half-dead. Dead inside, although we walk and talk and smile like real people. I am surrounded by death masquerading as life.

You’ll be disappointed in me, but I drink almost every night now. It’s the only thing that helps me sleep. There’s no one here to see it anyway, except Kreacher. I feel bad for him. I know you never liked him, but he takes good care of me, better than I deserve. He’s not been the same since Mother died. Sometimes I think he’s going mad, too, just like all of us. The entire world has gone mad.

I keep thinking about you. Isn’t that pathetic? Everyone I know is in the Death Eaters, all my old friends are here, and yet, I still think about you. The one person who walked away. I wonder what you would say if you were here. Probably you would tell me I’m a fool who got in over my head, that I’m just experiencing the consequences of my actions. But I can’t help wishing that you would tell me something else. Anything else. 

If I were to actually send this letter, I would tell you to stay safe. I know you think you’re very clever, but Evan almost managed to kill you last night. Since there’s no way I’ll ever let this see the light of day, I’ll just have to hope.

Love, 

Regulus

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Dearest James, 

I was told tonight that Lily’s pregnant. My heart just stopped for a moment. Isn’t that silly? It’s been almost three years, and yet I can’t forget you. I think of you all the time, even when there’s no reason to. I was at Evan’s last night, and his brother was telling me that he had made the Quidditch team. All I could think of was kissing you under the bleachers. I was so happy, thrilled that you even noticed me. It was fun, wasn’t it? Sneaking around, kissing in closets and meeting up at midnight? It’s the only rebellious thing I’ve ever done. I was so scared, but you were so worth it, Jamie. And it was thrilling to have something that no one knew about. I’ve never told anyone, to this day. Not even Barty. I think it’s the only thing I never told him. 

I miss you. I miss your lips on mine, I miss your hands in my hair, I miss fixing your stupid crooked glasses. I miss how you used to listen to me, like everything I said was important and valuable. No one had ever listened to me like that. I don’t talk a lot, but I talk so much when you're the one listening. I still talk to you at night sometimes. I wonder if you ever hear me?

No. You have moved on. And I am happy for that, James, believe me. I wouldn’t want you to be as heartbroken as I am. I am so glad that you are happy now. You are the most wonderful person, a ray of sunshine in the lives of the people around you. Your smile is so beautiful and warm. I felt so guilty all of sixth year, when you didn’t smile for such a long time. I am so glad that you got your smile back, even if it wasn’t because of me. But oh, how I miss you, darling. Sometimes I miss you so much I think I’ll die. 

When Peter mentioned that Lily was pregnant, I think I did die a bit. Because it’s truly the end, isn’t it? Even if somehow I got free, you would never leave your family. You are so wonderfully passionate, committed, and loyal. You love with everything in you, and you would never dream of abandoning that love. It’s one of the best things about you. 

I’ll have to let go of you. I suppose it’s terrible of me not to have done it long ago, when you and Lily were married, but somehow, it didn’t feel as final as this. But I can no longer dream about what might happen if we were to meet again. Nothing can bring you back to me, and I need to accept that. I’ve always been good at that, accepting things that can’t be changed. Perhaps too good. 

I’ll never forget you, though, darling.

Love,
Your Regulus