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It was a cloudy day in Calgary, a weather Ken would've liked to take a stroll under. Instead, he spent his afternoon lying on the couch, scrolling through his feed absentmindedly.
A window popped up on his phone screen.
You have used up your maximum time allowed on this app.
Ken heaved a sigh and locked his phone. Then, he opened the TV and, with half a mind, started flipping through the channels. He wasn’t looking at anything, not really. If he was being honest, he’s just looking for any noise that’ll fill the silence, which now seemed too loud and too heavy for this hotel suite for two.
Maybe it would’ve been better if he had just gone out with his boyfriend—
The thought was pushed away as soon as it came.
With the TV still blaring dialogues that weren’t registering, Ken turned on his back and mulled over what happened that morning.
——
Josh had still felt small and soft in his arms when they woke up, head resting against Ken’s collarbone and all curled up on his side. It was their rest day, and after arriving at the airport from a red-eye flight, they could use the whole day to just lay in bed and recover from the jet lag. Ken had a pretty terrible one, so he was very excited to go back to sleep and wake up later in the evening or, better yet, the day after.
But Josh had to be Ken’s insistent—dare he say, stubborn—explorer of a boyfriend.
“I wanna go outside,” Josh murmured as he stirred awake.
Ken groaned while pulling the blanket up to Josh’s bare shoulder and kissing the top of his lover’s head. “Bun, let’s just stay here for the day.”
“But this is our only day for sightseeing before the rehearsal tomorrow.”
“This is also our only day to rest and recover.”
“But it’s gonna be a while before we return here.”
Josh shifted to place his chin on top of Ken’s chest so he can stare directly at his boyfriend. On any other day, his wide doe eyes would’ve let him win any argument. But at the time, an unrecovered jet lag and lack of caffeine was a bad combo, and it was starting to affect Ken’s mood.
“Then, go out by yourself.”
As soon as the words came out, Ken knew he had said something he shouldn’t have. But the bad combo made him for prideful than usual, so he didn’t let any emotions show and instead just looked away.
But not before he saw Josh’s eyes widen in surprise, then dulled in hurt.
“Fine.”
Ken still wasn’t looking, but he felt Josh push the blanket down and turned away from him. Then, the weight on the other side of the bed lightened, followed by heavy footsteps heading to the bathroom. Without a warm body against him, Ken turned to his side and tried to go back to sleep.
He couldn’t.
So instead, he kept his eyes closed and waited.
After around twenty minutes, there was a sound of the bathroom door opening along with a faint smell of mint—Ken’s soap that became Josh’s favorite, they brought several packs of it for the tour. Then, there was a zipper being unlocked, then a rough rustling of fabric.
Josh had probably thought Ken fell asleep since he was facing away, his shoulders trying not to be too still for so-called sleep. The entire time, no one said a word.
Several minutes later, Ken heard footsteps fading away from the bed, followed by the sound of a door opening, then softly closing.
Ken waited some more.
When no trace of his boyfriend was left in the whole suite, he let go of a very heavy breath that he didn’t even know he was holding.
Well, fuck.
——
Looking back on everything that happened, Ken wanted to either kick himself or ask Josh to kick him. Or maybe both.
He didn’t go back to sleep since that morning. How could he, when he knew he had saddened his boyfriend who only wanted to go out with him, all because he was grumpy from traveling on a plane at midnight?
The TV continued to play sounds—for a different show this time—but nothing was registering. Without anything to do except channel his frustration, Ken unlocked his phone and started aggressively scrolling on his feed. That’s when he saw the latest post of one of their coaches.
It was a video of their coach, two other people, and Josh in the middle. He was wearing a cap—Ken’s cap—and his favorite light gray muscle tee. He was beautiful in a way that hurts Ken in the best way, but what he and the rest were doing hurt Ken more.
Josh was dancing.
Ken has always been enamored by the way Josh dances. When his boyfriend had asked about it before, he could only explain it such that every step took Ken’s breath away, every hip movement hypnotized him. His movements were always clean and precise, yet with flair and smoothness that only more than a decade of dance experience could yield. It was a side of Josh that Ken had an access to before they became idols, a part of him that Ken had the privilege of knowing and loving before everyone else did.
Josh used to ask Ken often to dance with him; he happily obliged, of course. He was a dancer himself, and getting to bond with his boyfriend over an activity they both love is Ken’s exclusive joy.
Yet, in that one short video of Josh giving his all in a dance with someone, it felt like his graceful and fluid movements were slipping through Ken’s grasp.
His mood began to plummet when he heard the door unlock.
Josh emerged from the entryway, one hand massaging the back of his neck, the other gripping the strap of his favorite duffel bag. He froze when he saw Ken lying on the couch. No words were exchanged. Instead, they let their gaze have a conversation beyond words, one that bore more meaning than both their lexicon combined.
Josh was exhausted from the day trip, Ken was extremely apologetic for what he did. They received each other’s message without uttering a single word.
Without getting up, Ken held his arms out. And with a smile so wide that his whisker dimples showed up, Josh leaped towards the couch and slotted himself into Ken’s arms. Like a puzzle piece that completed the whole picture: just the two of them, comfortable and happy and in love.
“Want cuddles,” Josh mumbled against his favorite spot on Ken’s collarbone.
Had they really only been apart for a few hours? Ken only realized how much he missed his boyfriend’s scent and feel. Giving in to his urge, he buried his nose in Josh’s hair and pulled him closer.
“Take all you want.”
Josh only giggled and wrapped his arms tighter around Ken’s back.
Both of them laid on their side since the couch wasn’t wide enough to fit two grown men. The sounds from the TV were still pretty loud. Yet, the tiny space meant they can get closer to each other, letting them hear each other’s quiet breathing and steady heartbeats, and that was more than enough.
Josh was the first to pull away to pull his phone out of his pocket. Ken adjusted his hold, who suddenly seemed absorbed in something he can’t see. He was about to ask when Josh flipped his phone to face Ken, the screen displaying a photo of a horse sculpture made up of several different rusty metal parts.
“We ate at a restaurant that had this horse outside. I took a photo of it because…” Josh blushed before continuing, “It reminded me of the horse in your album.”
Ken didn’t know what to say.
He wanted to say something, but seeing the sparkle in his lover’s eyes and his wide bunny smile blocked all rational thoughts. Instead of sputtering nonsense from his overflowing emotions, Ken kept quiet and let Josh talk, taking in the sound of his voice like an oasis to a parched man. He told Ken about the trip, showing the photos and videos he took throughout the day—of places they went to, of himself, of the random things that reminded him of Ken.
As Josh spoke, Ken became pensive. How is this man in his arms able to still see him despite the hurt he caused? How can he still see Ken in the little things, and how can he smile so wide and have cheeks so pink as he told him about his day?
Ah, he concluded, this really is love.
“After the concert,” he began while stroking Josh’s hair, “Let’s go out, just the two of us. I want to see these places with you, and more. And while we’re out, let’s find a spot to do a dance or two.”
At that, Josh smiled brightly, like the sun finally shining after a cloudy day.
Ken gently kissed Josh’s forehead. In quiet reverence and to seal a promise between them, he whispered what is both a greeting and a steadfast truth.
“Welcome home.”