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In Tasuku’s mind, that day he had considered killing himself feels like a lifetime ago now. He’s more confident in himself than he’s ever been, he feels good not only about himself but life in general, and he has kind and supportive friends. Part of him wonders if he should be paranoid that something bad might happen since he’s had a positive streak for a while now. That’s usually how it goes, because life is full of both good and bad things. And sometimes they’re something in-between.
What he does end up finding out is that the bad thing didn’t happen to him per se, but someone else he deeply cares for instead.
“I don’t want to freak you out,” Haruko says. She pauses for a moment. “Actually, maybe we should meet up for this kind of conversation. Are you in the mood for some coffee right now, Tasukun?”
He barely gets to contemplate whether or not he’d like coffee right now before Haruko texts Tasuku an address and tells him to meet her there ‘in a little bit’. Perplexed, curious, and worried, Tasuku hangs up, and he gets up from his desk chair to swap his sweatpants for jeans instead.
Haruko comes alone when meeting up with Tasuku outside the coffee shop she’d suggested. She’s got her hair up in a high ponytail, wearing a light-blue blouse with a black skirt, and Tasuku thinks she looks really nice. She’s clearly not here to discuss niceties, however, as he finds out despite her initial efforts to start out with small talk.
“You’re still keeping busy, I hear,” Haruko says. “Not just working on the new house with us, but you’re working part-time, too, right?”
“Mmm,” Tasuku replies. “But it’s fine, I like it. The convenience store job is just to earn money for whatever I want to do in the future… whenever I come up with what I want to do.”
He appreciates he effort, he really does—but sometimes he wishes Haruko would just get to the point. He can’t say he’d do it any different had their roles been reversed, however… though, of course, that depends on what the subject is.
“Yeah, that’s good. I do wish Cat Clowder could pay for what we do there, but… we wouldn’t be able to keep it running for long if we did. Well, if Anonymous paid us, I mean, since it’s their place and all.”
“That’s okay. I like the projects we have at the lounge.”
Haruko smiles. “Me too.”
Her smile fades fairly quickly, however, and that’s how Tasuku knows she’s had enough time to prepare herself for whatever she wants to talk to Tasuku about. He’s starting to worry sick about whatever it could be; it can’t be anything but something serious if she had to talk about it in person. Not to mention how she’s avoided the subject for a while now.
“So,” she begins slowly. “I don’t know if it means anything. But I’ve seen Tsubaki go in and out of a capsule hotel near where Saki lives for a few days now.”
Tasuku furrows his brow. “A capsule hotel?”
“Yeah. Obviously, I don’t know how long he’s stayed there, and I mean, he has to be staying there with how often I’ve seen him come and go. There’s not much else to do there other than sleep.”
That explains why he hasn’t been at the lounge lately. Tasuku foolishly assumed that either Touma was on a trip with his father, or he had other obligations or things he wanted to do instead. It wouldn’t be strange; people have lives outside of whatever small thing connects them to others. They may have gone to the same school, and they may have ended up regulars at the same lounge, but that doesn’t have to mean Touma is there whenever Tasuku is… as much as Tasuku wishes that was the case.
“But why?” Tasuku wonders out loud. His heart sinks in his chest as he recalls the heated confrontation between himself and Touma’s father at the lounge many months ago. Tasuku had willingly come out to him even though it was in the heat of the moment, and he still doesn’t know how to interpret the reaction he got from Touma’s father after his speech. “Do you think… he got kicked out of his house?”
Haruko shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know. I wanted to tell you since I know you two have gotten very close, but… I also don’t want to overreact. Maybe it’s nothing.”
The ‘maybe it’s nothing’ approach is one Tasuku definitely doesn’t want to take. He doesn’t want to shrug this off, because it could very well be as bad as he’s thinking. As for how it could get to that point, Tasuku has no idea. But given how Touma’s father had acted that day at the lounge, what with the silent, simmering anger and then loud outburst… Tasuku doesn’t think it’s impossible he reacts like that more often to whatever might anger him.
“I think I should still check up on him.” Tasuku swallows, his mind wandering to Misora. “I made the mistake of not talking things out with a friend before, and I don’t want to do it again.”
Now, Haruko smiles at him again, her eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. “Thank you. I knew coming to you was the right thing to do.”
Tasuku feels awkward to just stand there, even though he’s hiding around the corner of the building across the street from the hotel that Haruko said she saw Touma frequent. Someone’s definitely going to come up and ask him what the hell he’s up to eventually—maybe he’ll have to get out of here soon if Touma doesn’t show up. It’s in the middle of the day, so there’s no reason for Touma to hole himself up in that cramped space he’s probably staying in at the hotel… unless he’s hiding and trying to stay in there as much as he can?
Tasuku fumbles when fishing his phone out of his pocket, nearly dropping it to the ground in the process.
[you: can i ask at the reception if a certain person is staying at the hotel?]
He barely has time to put it back before his phone buzzes with a response from Haruko.
[haruko daichi: no! that’s illegal, tasukun. they’re not allowed to tell anyone who lives there unless you’re a cop]
[haruko daichi: and even then i’m pretty sure you need a warrant or something]
[haruko daichi: besides, capsule hotels don’t have a reception area. that’s kinda the point; it’s supposed to be quick & easy to get in & out.]
Tasuku sighs and stares up at the sky for a moment before he sends Haruko a thanks. Turns out, it’s a lot more difficult than he’d imagined it would be to just ‘accidentally’ bump into Touma unless he’s able to do something to increase his chances at success. Unfortunately for him, anything he could do is probably illegal, and Tasuku really doesn’t want to end up in jail just because he was worried about a friend. A crush, sure, but also his friend.
“Yo,” a voice says way too close to Tasuku somewhere behind him, and the suddenness of it makes Tasuku yelp and jump at the same time. “What’re you doing here?”
He whips around and finds himself standing face-to-face with Touma Tsubaki after what feels like months of not having seen or heard from him at all. Tasuku’s mouth falls open, and he’s rendered speechless for a good few seconds before the speech part of his brain comes back to life.
“What—what are you doing here? I saw you leaving the capsule hotel.”
He’s never been a good liar, and Tasuku is pretty sure that Touma saw right through that awful lie of his, but Touma’s cheerful expression doesn’t change. It’s almost eerily cheerful, like he’s forcing it.
“Oho, are you stalking me, perhaps? I mean, I know you’re into me and all that, but stalking? That’s unexpected even for you—”
“Tsubaki.”
Now, finally, Touma’s face falls. He heaves a sigh. “I got kicked out of the house.”
“What?! When? Why? How?”
Touma laughs awkwardly. “What is this, twenty questions?” He glances to his left and right. “Can we go somewhere else first? Someplace a little bit more private?”
Tasuku sarcastically thinks to himself that they could just use that damn capsule Touma is renting, but then again, those are incredibly cramped even for one person. And as much as Tasuku would love to share such close quarters with Touma, now definitely isn’t the time. He also can’t help but find it interesting that both Haruko and Touma suggested they take their conversations somewhere else, be it in person instead for over the phone, or someplace more private than right on the side of the street where Tasuku had just been standing.
But the fact that Touma, too, needs to take this conversation to a more suitable place certainly doesn’t ease Tasuku’s worries.
There’s a park nearby where Touma and Tasuku sit down on a bench overlooking a pond. A few ducks are fighting over some breadcrumbs still floating on the surface—someone must’ve been here very recently. It’s peaceful, if not for the fact that Tasuku is here for a reason that doesn’t exactly instil peace or calm in any sane individual.
“Dad’s been really weird since that day at the lounge,” Touma begins, and Tasuku gasps involuntarily, having had his theory proven.
“Is he mad at me?”
Touma gives Tasuku a confused look. “Why would he be mad at you?”
“Because of what I said. And… it doesn’t seem like he likes people like me.”
“Oh,” Touma says, and he blows a raspberry while rolling his eyes. “No, he’s not mad at you. He’s mad at me because I told him I might like guys.”
It takes Tasuku a moment before Touma’s words sink in, and when they do, Tasuku turns and looks at Touma, trying his best to not look as shocked as he feels.
“You… you told him that?”
“Yeah. I mean, why not—he already knows I hang out with trans and gay people. I figured it wasn’t too extreme of a step to tell him that I think I might be one of them, too.”
Tasuku, however, can definitely see how that would be an extreme next step to take. He’s seen his fair share of homophobia since long before he even realised that he’s gay; he knows there’s plenty of people out there who are aggressively and violently against people like him. People who aren’t straight, people who don’t conform to the gender they were assigned at birth. They’re seen as an abnormality, as freaks, and thus they shouldn’t exist. It’s not too farfetched to think that Touma’s father is one of those people.
Touma laughs hollowly, shrugs. “Guess I was wrong. Anyway. He gave me a black eye before kicking me out like some sort of sick parting gift. Said he doesn’t want anything to do with me ever again and that he no longer has a son. So much for unconditional, parental love, huh.”
Tasuku winces. “I’m sorry. I… I wish you’d told me. I wish I’d reached out to you.”
“Eh, it’s okay,” Touma says. “We’re all dealing with stuff. I guess that’s why I didn’t wanna say anything… I didn’t wanna worry you or anyone else at the lounge. I know Haruko would beat the shit out of my dad if she found out.”
“I’d allow it.”
Touma barks out a laugh. “You’ve really changed, you know that?”
“Huh?”
“I like it. You seem happier nowadays.”
Tasuku shrugs bashfully. “Yeah, I am. What are you going to do now?”
“No idea. I’ve got access to my savings, so that’ll help whenever I can find a more permanent place to stay. Turns out the capsule hotel solution isn’t a very good one long-term.”
“Funny, could’ve figured that one out myself.”
A comfortable silence falls between them for a little while, allowing Tasuku to take in and process what Touma just told him. He’s impressed at Touma’s courage for coming out to his father like that despite definitely knowing there was a risk it wouldn’t go well. Two winters ago, Touma thought that ‘the way Tasuku lives his life is super cool’, and Tasuku never felt like he earned such nice words since he hadn’t even come out to his family yet. He always had a feeling that it would go over well, which it did once he finally got the words out—but back then, he was still scared of the ‘what if’.
He thinks Touma is a lot braver than him, because it definitely hasn’t been that long since Touma started questioning his identity, be it sexual or otherwise, whereas Tasuku has known for most of his life that he likes guys. Everyone’s circumstances are different, and everyone possesses different levels of bravery, so maybe it isn’t fair to compare their situations. But Tasuku still can’t help but feel like Touma has less reason to be impressed with Tasuku than vice versa. He’ll never say that out loud, though.
“What if,” Tasuku says, “you stayed at the lounge? I’m sure Anonymous could conjure up a room for you out of thin air.”
Touma makes an unsure noise. “I wouldn’t want to impose. It’s a place for people to visit, not live in.”
“But they live there.”
“Because that’s Anonymous’ place; it makes sense that they’d live there more than anyone else. Maybe Misora could live there, but they’re still just a kid. I’m not.”
Tasuku pouts. “I still think you should ask. And you shouldn’t keep this a secret from the others. I’m sure Haruko would love to punch a homophobe.”
Touma snorts. “Oh, I know she would. Hey… thanks for hearing me out. And for coming to find me.”
“Don’t mention it,” Tasuku says in a quieter voice. He watches the ducks and tries to distract himself from his racing heartbeat; sitting so close to Touma has never been easy, even while he was still a jerk. Now that he’s much less of a jerk, it’s way harder to be near him without spontaneously combusting.
He winces whenever he feels Touma lay his head on Tasuku’s shoulder. Tasuku glances down to the side carefully without moving a muscle, and he asks himself if his heart will be able to survive this boy. The obvious answer is right there: he probably won’t, but he foolishly thinks that maybe there’s a chance of a different outcome.
“Is this okay?”
“Mm-hmm,” Tasuku gets out, not trusting himself to form even a single-word response coherently.
“I’m still unsure about a lot of things,” Touma says. “But I know that I like spending time with you.”
Tasuku smiles to himself. “Thank you. You don’t have to rush anything. Just take everything at your own pace.”
“I’m trying to. But I see now why so many people struggle with the whole sexual orientation thing. It’s… confusing.”
“Oh, tell me about it,” Tasuku replies dryly.
“But you’re sure now, right?”
Tasuku lets out a sigh through his nostrils. He relaxes his shoulders slowly, and Touma’s head remains in the same place. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
“That’s really cool.”
A few days pass during which Tasuku and Touma stay in semi-regular contact while they’re off doing their own things for a bit. When Tasuku next visits Cat Clover, he almost bumps into Touma who’s carrying a box up the stairs to the second floor.
“Oh, hey!” he greets Tasuku. “Was wondering if I’d see you here today.”
Tasuku tries to not react at that statement, forcing his heart to continue beating normally. “What are you doing?”
“I’m moving in,” Touma replies in a voice that almost makes him sound proud. “Anonymous did have a spare room. There’s three, in fact.”
Tasuku raises his eyebrows. “Oh, huh.”
“It’s not forever, just… until I’ve found something of my own.”
“That’s very nice of Anonymous. See, I told you they’d let you stay here.”
Touma gives Tasuku a dry look. “Yeah, yeah.”
“So you told them?”
“Yeah, and I told Haruko and Saki about it, too. So I guess everyone here will know soon.”
“I’m glad you did,” Tasuku says, smiling. Can I help?”
Touma scoffs, but he smiles back. “You, lifting heavy boxes? I don’t think so.”
Tasuku glares at Touma. “I can lift heavy things. In case you didn’t notice, I did a lot of the heavy lifting at the other house we’ve been working at for a few months now.”
“I know, I know,” Touma says, laughing. “I’m just messing with you. This is actually the last box, so you’re too late. And you’re not allowed to help me unpack; I wouldn’t want you seeing the contents of the box containing my underwear.”
“Why, because you’ve got a bunch of mankinis and stuff?”
Both Touma and Tasuku turn their heads at the sound of Misora’s voice. They stick their tongue out at the two boys near the stairs.
“You wish; I think I’d look pretty good in one of those.”
“Okay, ew,” Misora says. “Forget I said anything. You’re paying for my therapy sessions.”
“Just send me the bill!”
Misora stomps off while Touma continues laughing. It’s nice to see and hear him laugh despite the circumstances, and not just because Tasuku thinks he’s handsome. Touma looks relieved to be out of his father’s house, which is completely understandable considering what happened just about a week ago.
“You guys are not going to believe this,” comes Haruko’s voice at the entrance. Saki follows close behind, and she, too, wears an amused look on her face much like that of her wife.
“What’s up?”
“I told my father what happened,” Saki says. “I hope that was okay.”
Touma’s face takes on a surprised look. “Yeah, that’s fine.”
“Last night, your father came to the izakaya where they usually meet up. My father chewed him out pretty badly; he almost got kicked out for being too loud.”
“You left out the best part,” Haruko fills in. “Saki’s dad poured a cup of sake over your dad’s head before he left. I would’ve paid good money to see that. Oh my god.”
Touma and Tasuku exchange a look, and then Touma bursts into laughter. Tasuku smiles at the sight, and he exchanges a look with Saki and Haruko who also start laughing.
*