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No matter how hard he tried, Koby couldn't stop.
It engrained too deply in his bones, and flowing in his bloods. It starts with nothing and ends with everything. Sometimes, he wishes. Most times, he suffers.
Koby just wants a little control. He wants to stop driving himself mad from the endless train of thought ramming in his mind. A day where he could take a break from training himself twice or three times harder than everyone else. Maybe a chance to stop being too nice, too forgiving, too much of a nuisance.
But he knows he's not gifted. With everything he's got, he needs to do it harder, better; he's got to earn it. The world won't baby him just because he's weak and hopeless. So much, there are so much thing he has to do.
Or, Koby just wants to sleep.
There are days where he could easily pass out. There are days where he could turn his working chair into the most comfortable sleeping place. And tonight isn't one of those day.
Koby's paralyzed. Numb, yet his heart is racing, and his breath feels shallow. As if he needs to dig deeper into his lungs to store more air.
Though, this isn't something new. It's unfortunate to say and nauseating to admit. This has always been his reality since his time on Alvida's ship. Countless night where he got too scared to breathe, too scared to move, too weak to do anything about it.
Koby tries to take a deep breath, a sharp breath from his mouth. The air clogged his throat and his lungs feels like they're bursting for some reason. He coughed it out of of his system. Only to return to weak shallow breath.
He dugs his right hand on top of the other one. The nails dugs deep, which luckily he had cuts yesterday. The arms folded neatly over his stomach.
It's getting nauseous for real. He tries to shift, to try lying on his side for a little comfort. It fails miserably.
The ceilings above him look blurry. Which can be a good or bad thing to happen at the moment. He rakes his mind harder. If it means he's getting sleepy, it's a good news. Bad news is he could be dying instead.
Oh. Koby blinks slowly.
The thought of death never fails to send chills to his spine. It makes his body warm and uncomfortable, as if there are worms inside every inches of his body wriggling, eating him alive.
As a normal human being, he fears it.
As a weak human being, he wonders if he yearns for it.
If he wishes to disappear, does it count to being suicidal? Does he want to die?
Back on Alvida's ship, he never thought of it. He was stuck in small circle despite seek death every day. But now that he's a Marine and has seen the world, he finds death exist in any shape.
Including the idea of self-inflicted death.
Koby feels his body melting and being eaten away by the worms. It's cold and numbing, his eyes gotten so hot. He shut his eyes quickly, but the tears already flowing away, burning his skin. He gasps as he cries in silence, almost choking again.
This is the worst. He's trembling like a newborn deer. It hurts. It's painful. This is sickening.
His mouth opens, he feels tense. He wants to cry and scream. If he speaks, would someone come and help at all? No.
Koby curses, teeth against teeth gritting as an attempt to stop. The claws dugs deeper for a split second.
Take a deep breath again.
He stopped crying. He blinks the excess tears away. The breath slipping away from his mouth tastes sour.
He really should stop being pathetic. What was that about? Does he have any actual reason to cry at all? What if everything is just whatever his mind made up on it's own.
Somehow he feels lighter. A faint smile adorn his lips when he realizes he can move a little. Yet the color on his face drains as quick as it comes. He turns to lie on his side and curls like a child. The pain lingers. His knuckles turns white from grabbing the sheets too hard. His body tensed, trying to supress the cry but now he sobs.
Why is it so painful? Why is it so confusing to understand?
The room is silence except for his quiet sobs.
What even is happening right now? Why does he feel so helpless?
Koby stares at nothing. It could be from his tears. It could be from the fact that he feels death is so close close close close close close close close close -
Oh. Death.
The grip loosens as his vision returned. The tears swells, they're falling, dampens the pillow. At least the sobs has stopped.
I'm scared.
Now the thought relaxed him. Fearing for his life is something familiar. It feels almost funny how everything unfolds. After all, there's nothing he can do to stop it. He's just a small peck of dust in this vast world. It makes him wants to laugh. The clock ticks and so does his stomach.
He's reminded once again of his weakness.
Koby cries again. This endless suffering is a curse made by his own brain. His mind turns into a mush, stomach churns like a storm, and somehow everything feels like a painful numb.
This might not be the end of the world but, this sure is the start of his end.