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Finally! Wille let himself fall onto the sofa. Rather than landing softly on the cushions, he hit the hard, unyielding surface. His feet ached, as it had been a long day.
Unable to motivate himself to get up, Wille remained in this uncomfortable position, half-lying and half-sitting. He loosened his tie, rubbed his face and took a deep breath.
Travelling abroad like that was always horrible. Wille had to meet so many strangers, and he had to pretend to remember their names and to be interested in them. He had to be a good conversation partner, entertain people, and at the same time avoid expressing any controversial opinions.
His job was simply to be the friendly face of the Swedish monarchy, to represent renewal without being permitted to make any real changes.
Since his mother was forced to abdicate a year ago for health reasons, Wille had become a very young king at the age of 35. And therefore suddenly became infinitely popular as a speaker on any topic.
He was currently at a climate conference in a country that was still fuelling the climate crisis with its oil sales, even though the majority of countries had completely given up fossil fuels in the meantime. But Wille was not allowed to have an opinion on this and simply had to smile.
Taking his phone out of his pocket, Wille scanned the messages. Felice had asked how his day was going, Freja had written to say she missed him, Henry had sent a meme of him with the German Chancellor, and it looked like his mum had comments on his performance that day.
But Wille just wanted to check if he had received a message from one particular person. Ignoring all the other notifications, he went straight to Simon's thread. A message was already waiting for him there. His heart was soaring.
Simon: How has your day been so far?
Wille: Sorry I'm only getting back to you now. I had to attend a dinner. What a frustratingly long day!
Before Wille had even had the chance to open another message thread, Simon had replied.
Simon: No problem! You're here now. How was the dinner?
Wille: It was exhausting. On top of that, I think I made a real fool of myself. I called the German chancellor by the wrong name again. Although I've actually known her for years.
Wille: But I don't really want to think about it, I'd much rather talk to you.
Simon: I'm sure you did a fantastic job. If not, though, you know how I feel about the monarchy.
Simon: So I wouldn't be sad if you were to bring down the Swedish monarchy with a faux pas.
Wille: Haha... really funny.
Simon: You like my sense of humour!
Wille: I know.
Simon: Apart from me, nobody ever talks to you openly. Someone has to keep the king's feet on the ground.
Wille: you're right...
Wille: How was your day?
Simon: Good. It's nice to hear from you.
Simon and he never discussed this aspect of their personal lives. What was there to say?
Sometimes, Wille wondered where things were going. After all, he was engaged and would soon be getting married. Once it became clear that his mother would abdicate, it was urgent to find a suitable wife. The royal court had not even considered that Wille might want to find a suitable husband.
He hadn't seen Simon since they wished each other a nice summer at Hillerska, so that was not an option. After all, Simon had made it clear that he couldn't be part of Wille's life.
Since Simon clearly wasn't a possibility, it didn't matter who the other person was. At some point, his mother had introduced him to Freja, the daughter of a well-respected Swedish family.
Freja was nice, and they got on really well. Wille would never have thought it possible, but he had found in Freja a friend who knew his world only too well. She had demanding parents, too, who only considered a king to be a good enough husband for their daughter. And now they were about to get their way.
Initially, their relationship was almost business-like, but after an event involving a lot of drinking and dancing, they kissed. Back at her place, the kiss turned into something more, and they slept together. Surprisingly, they realised that they were also quite compatible in bed. So it happened that they began sleeping together regularly.
Wille knew that Freja had developed feelings for him, and he sometimes thought that he could fall in love with her, too.
But then there was Simon, whom he had never forgotten since their time together at Hillerska. Despite it being almost 20 years since they had been together. Sometimes, Wille wondered if it really had been such a long time ago because his feelings for Simon still felt raw and all-consuming.
Simon had recently come back into his life. They only wrote to each other or sometimes spoke on the phone. Nevertheless, Wille had been confused ever since. Had he chosen the right path for his life? What would his life be like if he had chosen Simon? Would he still have that option now? Was there another way other than being king? Is it too late to walk away from everything and get back together with Simon? He realised, however, that these were dangerous thoughts and that nothing good could come of them.
Wille's phone started ringing. It was Simon. Talking to him now would completely throw Wille off track. And he was actually pretty tired. The big closing speech at the conference was due tomorrow. His speech. Wille had to decline the call.
Wille: Sorry, I can't talk on the phone right now. I'm in my hotel room and should probably go to sleep soon.
Simon: No problem, maybe another time. When you're back home. Tell me, where are you again?
Wille: At the climate conference in Kuwait.
Simon: Ah, that's right. Sorry, I forgot about that.
Wille: You don't have to apologise...
Wille: I miss you.
Simon: Really?
Wille: Of course! I wish you were here in this room with me right now. I wish I could put my arms around you. I wish I could touch you.
Simon: How would you touch me?
Wille: I would touch you on your face with just the tips of my finger. And put my cheek against your cheek.
Simon: That’s nice.
Wille: And just rub it softly.
Simon: Would you kiss me?
Wille: I would. I’d take your head into my hands. And kiss the corner of your mouth. So softly. I would put my mouth on you and I’d taste you.
Simon: This feels nice. What would you do then?
Wille froze. He had lost control over what he was writing, he didn’t want things to go in this direction. He had no right to go in this direction.
Simon was back in his life, but they didn't do this. After all, Wille was the king and was to be married soon. He couldn't get involved in that. Whatever that meant.
Wille: Then I would hug you, hold you close and never let you go.
Simon: I like being hugged by you and feeling your skin against mine. Then I know I'm loved.
Wille: Simon, do you still remember our last evening at Hillerska? When we were lying by the lake?
Simon: Of course, I keep thinking about our last evening at Hillerska. But what exactly do you mean?
Wille: Sometimes I wonder what I could have done to make things work between us. So that you would have given us, or rather, me, another chance.
Simon: I never gave up on us. But we both knew that it couldn't have gone on like this, right?
Simon: We mustn't dwell too much on the past and what could have been. It's better to look to the future.
Simon: What are you looking forward to? After all, you're getting married soon, aren't you?
Wille was tempted to write that he would soon be marrying the wrong person. But that would have been pathetic. But maybe that was right, because he felt pathetic.
Wille: But without you in my life, I have little to look forward to.
Simon: But I am here, and I am not going to leave.
Wille: I don't think that counts.
Simon: Why not?
Wille: I don't know, it's just not the same...
Simon: Okay. I probably can't convince you otherwise.
Wille: No, probably not.
Simon: Why don't you tell me about the highlight of your day?
Wille: Hm, I don't know. Writing with you now, probably.
Simon: Really? That's also my highlight of the day.
Wille now sank completely into the sofa. He was lying flat on his back on the hard surface. His back ached and he massaged his stiff neck, wondering for what must have been the hundredth time what they were doing.
Wille: Simon, what are we doing?
Simon: We write to each other and chat about our life.
Wille: But where does this lead?
Simon: Does it really have to lead somewhere?
Simon: Can't we just carry on like this? Can't we just enjoy it while it lasts?
Wille: I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I don't know if I can carry on with my life like this. I won't be able to focus on the wedding or my job when you're around. While I still love you, even after all these years.
Perhaps he shouldn't have said that. Was it all right to confess his love to Simon? After this long time. Simon had probably moved on from him.
Simon: Why not? I will always love you, too. After all, you were my first love, and yet my life is good. I wouldn't want to change anything.
Wille closed his phone. He hadn't wanted to hear that. Frustrated, he threw the phone away from him, where it landed with a thud on the floor. Wille got up and paced around the hotel room. After a while, he dropped onto the bed. He was just so exhausted and lost. Burying his face in the pillow. Slowly, a solitary tear escaped from the corner of his eye and ran down his cheek. Exasperated, he rubbed his face and eyes.
He had sworn to himself that he would stop. Over and over again. It only ended in heartache anyway. He knew he shouldn't keep contacting Simon. Well, not Simon himself, but the AI-based version that Wille had created in order to feel close to him somehow. He had done so after hearing that Simon had got engaged. Wille had to find out if Simon was happy, if he still thought about Wille and if he wondered what Wille was up to every day. Was Simon as miserable and lonely as Wille felt?
When Felice told him that Simon had broken up with his fiancé, Wille vowed to stop communicating with this fake version and contact the real Simon.So far, he hadn't dared to do so. But one of these days he would. He was sure of that. Maybe tomorrow, after the speech?