Chapter Text
I feel like I've gotten nowhere over the last few months. Sure, I had one or two life lessons or something, but I don't feel like I've actually gotten better at anything. The thoughts are still here, I barely made any progress in stopping my addiction. I still have the same problems with friends, I still have no hobbies, my youtube is going nowhere. I tried hard but I can't come up with anything, minor or major, that I've gotten better at. So what if I learned something, if I make the same mistakes again anyway. I can predict how most things will go, and most people will react. Nothing I do has any sort of meaning to it. I feel like it's only going downhill. July flew by very quickly, and all I have is a new source of anxiety. Why should I bother with doing anything if every day is the same? I've had small efforts to quit porn, but it always comes back to bite me. I had a sexual dream about my best friend last night. And not to mention the stuff I actually use, it's terrible. I don't want to accept I'm this kind of person; even if I joke about it, but it seems like it's an actual part of me. The thoughts may just be denial and anxiety. I remember myself saying that if they went away, I'd be happy. That's not true. Nothing I do brings me joy anymore, even if I'm temporarily entertained. I can't think of a single thing that would help me right now. I wanted the thoughts gone, a girlfriend, money, but I feel like none of that would help. Every day is the same. I wake up, do my morning routine, play games or go out, pretend to handle my responsibilities when in reality I'm just barely doing what I have to do. I watch porn, if I can't resist (most the time) I jack off. I feel guilty about it, I'm motivated for half an hour, then lazy. I use my computer more and sleep. And if someone is even slightly critical of me, I spiral into a state of depression, that only ends when I go to sleep and wake up the next morning. Usually, at least. I spent the entirety of yesterday doing nothing. Absolutely. Bare minimum of survival, because then, I felt like I'm feeling right now. Nothing has changed over the past year or so and I despise it. I met a bunch of new people but they're all the same to me. Just a waste of time to talk to. The only people I care about is my closest friend group, [], [] and []. [] too, to an extent. [] has a terrible life, and I really want to help him. But sometimes, I feel like I neither help him, or he helps me. We're too different to relate to each other, too smart to say "It will be okay" to one another and call it a day, and too shy to actually speak up when the other person does something bad. I truly love him, because he's the closest I've ever been to anyone, but it feels like there's some sort of barrier between us we can't get through. [] is more of a funny friend than an emotional support friend. He always takes up new hyperfixations, and drops them. I want him to stick to something and get better, not be so scattershot. But I'm the same after all, so I can't complain. We do argue often. Well, not as often as 3-4 months ago. He's pretty much the only thing reminding me of my old class. I can't afford to lose him, and I really enjoy his company. [] is just a child. I want to help her too, but there's not much attachment there. [] is nice, but we've grown distant ever since he moved out. I try to keep in touch with him often, and I'm really his only friend at the moment. And the worst part is, I can read them all like a book. I don't want to be mean, but they're so predictable and sometimes annoying. [] I know the least, and she intrigues me the most. I can't predict her as much, she's not as repetitive. I miss my old class. Like a lot. I cry about them every other day. I don't know who dislikes me and who doesn't, but it doesn't matter. Even if I started talking with them every day, it wouldn't bring back what we had. [] in particular. [] 2nd place. I miss them. Not how they are now, I miss who they used to be, in 5th grade. I miss a [] that wasn't scared to act goofy and silly, not exactly this one. I never thought switching schools would take such a toll on me, and I'm genuinelly starting to regret it. I know the grass is always greener on the other side, and this decision has given me more options for growth, but none of that matters to me. I'm just not very comfortable with my current position. I hate how much of an impact [] had on my life. She still actively does things to lower my reputation. No words can express how much I hate her. If I had the choice to kill her with no consequences, I might do it. All she brings is despair into this world, no one needs her. She's another person I just can't predict, because how can someone be this cruel? This bitchy. This terrible. I'm glad she graduated and I'll hardly ever see her, but it's not a satisfying conclusion. I wanted to see her crying, laying on the ground shivering. Half the school has a bad opinion of me. It's easy to blame the new kid who doesn't follow social rules as much. Sure, a lot of people know []'s full of shit, but they might hear something from a friend and believe it. She won't be reading this, but if she does, I just want her to know this. You won, you made my life so much worse. I hope you die painfully, you're the worst thing that ever happened to me. If Satan is real, he has a special place for you. Don't keep the devil waiting. No one I know is normal. Like, morally. I've met nice people, but no one is enough. I know it's egotistical to think I'm smarter than everyone around me, but it's true. Of course, I won't know all the details of a person right away. If I had to guess, [] could have more depth than everyone else, but that's just speculation. I stopped chasing love recently, although I still sometimes fantasize about it. I joke about simping to Luz Noceda, but she's genuinely the best candidate I know. Thoughtful, cute, hot. But a girlfriend is not my top priority. I don't have any priorities. Everything feels so meaningless. I romanticize my childhood, but I feel like there's really some truth to it. Everything was so much simpler back then. I'd go out with [] and [], pretend to run from the police and it was fun. I used to go out biking with the gang and have fun, not think about the point of life. I don't want to kill myself as I find that scary and pointless, but I don't see why living is so much better. Nothing has gotten better.