Archive of Our Own ^beta

Alec came to the loft angry after meeting with a few council members of The Clave, trying his best to mediate between Downworlders' affairs and their own, but as ever he could as well have been pleading to a wall. He's ranting, moving to and fro Magnus' living-room, gesturing in outrage.

Magnus is quiet, watching him intently and aching for him while at the same time admiring his willpower, determination and passion with which he's throwing himself into this mission to better this world, if only the smallest amount.

Alexander is mad but, to Magnus, he has never been more beautiful, devastatingly so.

He can feel how he's trembling from the inside, waves of prickling sensations covering every part of his skin. His throat dries up as his lungs squeeze the air out of them. His innards are being squelched as his eyes are transfixed on every tiny movement of the Shadowhunter's face, telling of hardship and frustration, of so many battles and trials fought, many won, some crucial ones lost, leaving grievous traces. Yet, he's never seen more strength and dedication in any other being he's known.

I am so sorry, Alexander... I love you so terribly...

He can't tell him, not yet, maybe not ever. Words could never convey what he feels. How does he tell this man he hardly believes truly exists, that he's robbed of every coherent thought when he's in his presence? How does he express that every time he lays eyes on him his breath gets knocked out of him? That he hurts so badly whenever he's close to him? How does he make him believe that he has never loved like this and never again will? That he doesn't know and can't ever imagine being able to live without him again? Without seeing his face, hearing his voice, feeling his breath, his skin, his touch, his lips, his incomparable warmth and affection.

That he's terrified of losing him by his own doing or otherwise? That he's a better man because of him and strives every day to become more so? How does he show him that what he feels for him is earth-shattering and soul-consuming and he'd give anything to be with him every single day for all eternity?

He doesn't know.

He's never known that kind of pain.

But he would never undo it.

He will never regret one second spent with him.

He will never regret leaving himself so open, naked and vulnerable.

He will never regret letting himself be ruined wholly.

He will never regret craving to be ruined even more.

He will never again need to be seen, accepted and respected by anyone else.

He will never need to be looked at, held, kissed or loved by anyone else ever again.

Only by him.

How does he tell him?

“Magnus? Are you even listening?” Alec's annoyed now at Magnus' inattention, but when he looks at his boyfriend, really looks at him, his anger and irritation ebb away instantaneously. The expression on Magnus' face is inexplicably overwhelming him.

Every word is quenched from his lips and his brain, as a shockwave of emotions is crashing into him carried over from Magnus. His throat feels raw suddenly, tension is leaving his body. Feelings he can't name, hasn't ever known before are threatening to overpower him. He's frozen, his deep hazel eyes glued to the shorter man, noticing his gold-brown ones glistening, hurting. Why is he hurting so much?

Magnus cannot speak, does not have the words, or means to show him. He turns away slowly, walks a few steps towards the window, willing the unshed tears pressing forward unrelentingly away, trying to suck air into his lungs again, the realization of the magnitude of his feelings seeming to crush him.

Alec's filled with sorrow he doesn't fully grasp, an unsettling, and woeful sensation gripping his insides and squeezing them tightly. He feels responsible, guilty for the pain Magnus must be feeling. And he can't fathom how this powerful, mesmerizing, stunning man is reduced to radiating such anguish because of him. He would never intentionally hurt him. He'd rather take every kind of pain himself.

He takes the little courage that remains within himself and carefully steps closer behind Magnus. His hand is shaking as it moves to touch the shorter man's shoulder. “Magnus...?” Alec's voice is barely a fragile whisper.

Magnus curses himself for being so inept to concealing these feelings from Alexander. For being so weak and lost. He wishes he would know how to feel anything halfway.

But he's always dived right in, mostly without a second thought or care of failure. And no one has ever had a pull on him so vigorously, drawing him in so intensely. He can't give any more than his whole self, and even though Alexander doesn't know it, Magnus is his completely and irrevocably. Every broken and shattered part of him, every frailty, every strength, power and magic. All of his sarcasm, confidence, playfulness and sensuality. Every heartfelt, soulful, genuine piece of him. It all belongs to Alexander now, and he doesn't want to fight it, he just wants him to know, to accept it, and want it just the same.

Magnus turns cautiously, holding his breath, unable to look into those eyes that reflect the bravest, kindest soul, and lets himself lean against the tall Shadowhunter. Alec closes his arms around Magnus' smaller frame, holding on tightly, wanting nothing more than to rid him of this sadness and hurt.

“It's OK, Magnus, I'm here, it's OK.” He whispers into his boyfriend's ear softly, feeling the shudder running through the body in his arms through himself.