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Theo stares up at the ceiling of the drawing room, uncomfortably nestled on the settee. His long legs are perched on the armrest, unable to fold comfortably on the short sofa.
The dowager Lady Brightlingsea attempted to have one of the girls give up their beds for the Duke and Duchess. While the girls knew about the arrangement that Theo and Nan came to regarding their marriage, they kept up appearances in front of Lady Brightlingsea, horrible gossip that she is.
It wasn’t terribly hard. After all, Nan and Theo’s marriage is far from the first loveless match in their society.
Still, Theo insisted upon taking the settee, no matter how tempting it was to be free to bury his face in Lizzy’s pillow. The idea of sharing a bed with his wife churned Theo’s stomach, especially when he would be kicking the woman he loves out of her own bed, the bed he longed to slip into with Lizzy.
It didn’t matter, Theo didn’t think he’d be getting much sleep tonight anyway.
Upstairs, Nan and Lizzy were cuddled up with Jinny on one bed with Conchita, Mabel and Honoria in another. Theo insisted that Guy take the last bed to share with Freddie, making up for lost time.
Now all Theo could do was count the cracks in the ceiling and reflect on time.
Richard was truly the best of them. So lively in the face of adversity, so good natured, the epitome of a gentleman.
Theo’s heart ached for young Millie. He knows what it is like to grow up without a father. Though from all accounts, his own father was a cold man, Theo always regretted never getting to know for himself.
He starts making a mental checklist. There’s nothing he can do to bring Richard back but he can shoulder the burden of administration. He has already sent a note to his barristers, ready to begin examining the will. He’ll set up an appointment at Coutt’s to smooth over the Marable financial woes.
It’s times like this that Theo is thankful that this is all he knows, that he never had the opportunity to be free like Guy and Richard. Theo’s stewards started teaching him young and Theo will ensure that Freddie gets the same opportunity.
The title may be a curse but going into it with open eyes is essential in Theo’s opinion.
Theo hears a crack in the steps and he bolts up, still on edge. Though Seadown is safely in police custody, the events of the day have caused Theo’s anxiety to skyrocket.
“Hello,” Lizzy says in a cracked whisper as she pads across the room, barefoot and clad in a white nightgown. She looks lovely, as she always does, though the white shift is so unlike what she wore during her days at Tintagel.
Theo feels his heart break at her expression. The red-rimmed eyes and messy hair, cheeks splotched from crying.
It reminds Theo how young Lizzy is, how young they all are. Becoming a Duke so young pushed Theo into being forced to mature beyond his years. After all, he is responsible for the livelihood of dozens of families.
But still, he is only twenty-five. The girls are only twenty. Conchita is a widow at twenty years old.
The thought churns Theo’s stomach.
“Hello,” Theo echoes before opening his arms without hesitation. Lizzy rushes to him, throwing herself into his lap and nestling her head into his chest.
It’s risky, of course. The house is full of people and while most of them know his marriage is in name only, none of them know how desperately he loves Lizzy. How he needs her, especially right now. He needs her in his arms, needs to know she’s safe.
He’ll spend the rest of his life keeping her safe, even from a distance.
And surely no one would deny them this small comfort if caught. They are friends, after all. It may not be proper but he’s a married man and she’s an American. Certainly a little comfort could be forgiven in the face of tragedy.
“I couldn’t stand to have you so close and not be with you, not tonight,” Lizzy mutters into his chest. Theo tightens his arms around her, dropping a kiss onto her head.
“It’s been torture,” Theo says. “All I wanted to do is hold you. It was agonizing not being able to.”
They lapse into silence for a moment, Lizzy’s small sniffles the only noise in the room.
“How is Jinny?” Theo asks. It’s a ridiculous question but he needs to know.
“Terrible,” Lizzy says, pulling away from Theo to look at his face. “Blames herself. Alternates between crying and just staring into the distance. She’s finally asleep. Nan too.”
Theo hums as pushes some of Lizzy’s hair back from her face.
He’s baffled sometimes when he reflects on the feelings he once thought he had for Nan. How easily he had confused infatuation with love. How much misery could he have spared himself, Guy and Nan if only he met Lizzy first?
Nothing he’s ever felt has come close to how he feels about Lizzy. He loves everything about her. Her gentle soul, how easily she shows affection. How good of a friend she is, how easily she sees through him and can call him out.
Lizzy’s hands slip up to cup his face and Theo can’t help but flutter his eyes closed. At this moment, he can almost pretend this is his reality. That he isn’t married, that Richard is still alive. That he can love Lizzy freely, without worrying about his reputation or hers.
“I just have to tell you, I must tell you,” Lizzy begins breathlessly, her fingers digging into Theo’s hair. “That I love you, too.”
Theo is almost embarrassed at how quickly tears spring to his eyes. Lizzy’s words radiate through him, filling in all the cracks in his chest.
“Life is so short,” she continues, her hands moving down Theo’s face until they clutch at his shirt. “It can be gone in an instant and I can’t let any more time go by without you knowing that you are so loved, by me.”
“I love you so much,” Theo whispers. “I do not think I can live without you, Lizzy,” he admits. “I know it’s horribly selfish.”
“It’s not selfish,” Lizzy says. “I feel the same.”
Theo rubs his thumb over Lizzy’s bare ring finger. She might not be his but she isn’t anyone else’s either.
“Freddie’s going to get the title, isn’t he?” Lizzy asks. “He’s so young and without a father to teach him.”
“I’ll help him,” Theo promises. “I’ll find the right stewards and, when it’s time, help him navigate his role.”
Lizzy hums. “I guess I forgot you’re his uncle,” she says. “Since you’re married to Nan.”
Theo’s hold on Lizzy tightens for a moment before he pulls back. “No matter what happens with my marriage, I’ll always be his uncle because he’s Guy’s son.”
He says it more for himself than Lizzy but as he says it, Theo realizes how right it sounds. He’s so disconnected from his marriage that Jinny doesn’t truly feel like his sister-in-law. After all, he’s barely spent any time with the woman, even when he tried.
But Guy… Guy is the closest thing that Theo will ever have to a brother. Even with how many times Guy has betrayed Theo in the last year, he finds it hard to stay angry at him. Guy might be the only real family Theo has left.
Now along with Freddie.
Lizzy’s lips quirk into a weak smile before she presses a soft kiss on his lips. Theo longs to deepen it but resists. It’s not the time and it’s certainly not the place.
Lizzy pulls back first before shifting off Theo’s lap.
“Do you think you could hold me? Just for a little while?” Lizzy asks almost shyly.
Theo knows he can’t deny Lizzy anything so he merely nods before laying down on the settee, making space for Lizzy beside him. She settles in, squeezing herself tightly to him. Lizzy slips a few buttons out of Theo’s shirt, opening the top for her before sliding her hand over his heart.
Theo lets his eyes close as he breathes in her lavender scent, memorizing the feeling of her pressed against him.
-
Theo grunts as someone shoves at his shoulder, shaking him from sleep. His arms tighten around Lizzy as he bats at whatever servant has come to retrieve him.
Except Theo isn’t at home.
His blue eyes fly open, landing on a smiling Guy holding a coping baby Freddie.
“I’m honestly not as surprised as I should be,” Guy whispers. “I noticed you staring at Lizzy all week. You should work on your subtlety.”
“Never my strong suit,” Theo grumbles as he gently rouses Lizzy.
Lizzy buries her face into his chest for a moment before springing back. Her eyes widen as they land on Guy, who holds up his free hand.
“I won’t tell Nan,” he promises. “At least for now.”
A flush spreads across Lizzy’s face and it takes everything in Theo not to snap.
What business is it of Nan’s who Theo loves? She certainly never loved him, she had no concerns in carrying on an affair with his best friend.
Yet for as much as he wishes he never met Nan some days, he does know her. He knows that she will find a way to twist Theo’s love for Lizzy into a negative, ignoring her own hypocrisy in order to relish in feelings of false righteousness.
The guilt plagues Theo. He once thought that selecting a Duchess who didn’t care for the role would result in someone who would bloom into someone worthy of the role.
As the weeks tick on, Theo now knows he was wrong. Not everyone is cut out for a life of service to Queen and country. Nan, with her singular focus and selfish streak, will burn out quickly in her duties to the crown and their tenants.
And it burns Theo because he knows if he just opened his eyes he would have realized this earlier. He would have found Lizzy earlier.
Lizzy, with her kind heart and how intently she cares for others would make a perfect Duchess.
Lizzy quickly scrambles out of Theo’s arms and he immediately feels the loss as the cool air hits him. How he longs to pull her back into him, to shoo Guy away and fall back asleep beside her.
Theo distracts himself by buttoning his shirt, ignoring the cheeky grin plastered on Guy’s face.
“I better get back to bed before the girls wake up,” Lizzy mutters, crossing her arms over her chest to offer herself some modesty.
Her eyes meet Theo’s briefly, the sadness in the palpable. Theo wishes he could kiss her goodbye before heading out to Westminster, that she would cling to his neck and tell him how much she would miss him while he’s at work. That they were in his own Mayfair home, where she could curl up on his settees and read his books before retiring to his bed.
But she has to remain at Conchita’s, under the watchful eyes of her chaperones and Theo will go back to his empty home.
Theo offers her a half smile, which she returns weakly before rushing up the stairs.
With a sigh, Theo shoves his cravat in his pocket. He will have to return to his own home before heading to Westminster. Don his best black suit, comb his hair and steady himself before he faces the onslaught of questions from Members of Parliament and Lords alike.
Because Richard is dead. Their colleague, their friend, who died heroically at the hand of his own brother.
And Theo is going to have to hear the tuts and words of mourning from men who believed Seadown owned his wife, who offered Seadown words of sympathy on his journey towards trapping Jinny. The same men who would scold Theo like they were his father, telling him he needed to get Nan in line.
Theo hates them. He hates every single one of them.
“So do you want to talk about it?” Guy asks, quirking an eyebrow.
Theo shakes his head. “There’s nothing to tell, we cannot be together. I’m married, as you well know. I would never do Lizzy the dishonour of making her my mistress.”
Guy frowns and Theo offers an apologetic look but his point remains. Guy is free to be Nan’s lover, it is only Theo who will suffer public scorn and Theo is becoming increasingly numb to suffering for Guy’s happiness. He can endure being mocked in Parliament as the cuckold to an untitled man.
Lizzy, though, as an unmarried lady, will only face ruin. Her chance at a legitimate life, a legitimate family will evaporate at even a whisper of impropriety with a married Duke. There are some women who are willing to take the gossip in exchange for the lifestyle but not Lizzy. Lizzy deserves the life she longs for and that’s to be a wife and mother.
The only things Theo cannot provide her.
“But you love her,” Guy concludes.
“Yes,” Theo sighs, his eyes darting up the stairs. “More than anything. I love her so much that I miss her every moment, even when we’re under the same roof.”
“We need to fight for the people we love,” Guy says, clasping Theo’s shoulder. “Especially now, knowing how short life can be.”
“I’m a Duke,” Theo says miserably. “It’s not about what I want.”
“Why can’t it be?” Guy asks. “You’re a Duke.”
With that, Guy claps Theo on the shoulder before trudging up the stairs, a giggling Freddie blowing bubbles at Theo over Guy’s shoulder.
Theo feels a pain in his heart. He wants a child with Lizzy. He wants everything with Lizzy.
And why can’t he have it? Theo had been taught that he would have immense power but no control over his life with his role but why did it have to be this way? What’s the point of power without control? What’s the point of being a Duke if he can’t use his power to free himself and Nan from this horrible excuse for a marriage?
Theo shoves on his jacket before walking out of the house, determined to find a way to fight for love.