Chapter Text
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” The radio might have kept talking but Mike stopped paying attention. ‘We accept the love we think we deserve’?. He guessed it could be true. He himself seemed to do it, besides the fact that he thinks he doesn't deserve love. So really then he doesn't accept the love he gets because he thinks he doesn't deserve the love.
He doesn't.
He doesn't deserve any of this.
He doesn't deserve to be happy, he doesn't deserve love or care. He doesn't deserve his friends and family. He doesn't get to eat, Bob, Barb, Billy, Eddie, Max neither of them get to eat anymore so why should he get to.
It should've been him.
The only things he deserves is pain and death. The way he feels is painful, he's in pain but he deserves it so he doesn't try to get help. He doesn't want help. He just wants death. Why is he so lucky? He hasn't done one good thing in this town.
All he does is hurt people.
Everyone would be so much happier if he was gone, if he had just died instead of all these innocent people. He just wants to disa–
“Mike?” He’s brought back from a nudge from Dustin and a call of his name. Right, they were in the hospital visiting Max. The radio was still playing, Lucas has been playing it in hopes that maybe she can hear it. “Sorry- yeah I’m alright” He looked back at the comatose Max. It should've been him.
—
Mike was laying in bed. Not new. That seems to be all he does these days, lay on his mattress with a mountain of blankets and pillows surrounding and covering him. He kinda just laid there for hours on end, drawing in his thoughts or sleeping. He seemed to be tired a lot of the time.
He hasn't seen his friends in multiple days, the last time probably being when they visited Max. He’s only visited her twice, everyone seemed to be giving him shit for it but, he just doesn't like hospitals especially after the lab experience with a possessed Will. Everyone's been giving him shit for a lot of things lately though, that's if they even see him around, like for laying in bed constantly, being MIA, not visiting Max, not helping out on Vecna very often. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just..he's so tired all the time. He can hardly get out of bed to shower or eat.
He wishes he was a better friend. He used to be a good friend. He used to be a leader, a paladin. When did that end? Why did it end? Why did his feelings and thought have to ruin everything? He wishes none of this had happened. That all this was a dream or a DnD game. That he’d wake up and they’d be cheering and cleaning up about to head home for the night but, that's selfish because otherwise El wouldn’t be here.
Sometimes he thinks of the past, before that night of November 6th 1983. How they just earlier that day were all happy and excited for their campaign. How they didn't know that everything would change the next day.
When they’d all four go to the arcade and spend hours playing together. When they’d throw slumber parties and goof around together. When Mike and Will would make stories together, both getting an idea, Mike writing while Will drew the illustrations.
Mike’s passion for writing never left but, while Will’s talent for drawing grew and grew his writing came to a stop, ideas no longer coming to him. He wrote still but, they were letters, letters to Will. Letters he’d never send.
Mike never noticed when tears started streaming down his face or when he fell asleep, too deep in his thoughts to notice.
—
Mike woke up abruptly, realizing it was just a dream. It was such a sweet dream so sweet it was haunting. Maybe that's because he doesn't have happy dreams very often anymore though. He laid there, staring at the ceiling for multiple minutes, tears started rolling down his cheeks and down his neck for the second time today. He cried maybe once a day but he also had days where he had no more tears left to cry.
His walkie talkie broke the quiet whimpers coming from him. He thought he had turned that damn thing off?
“Has anyone gotten a hold of Mike lately? We have a meeting today and he needs to be there for this one.”
It was Lucas. He spent most his time at the hospital or otherwise at meetings.
“No, hes been totally MIA and ignoring us again. Over” That voice was Dustin
“I don't understand why Nancy just doesn't drag him here. If he isn't getting off his ass himself then she should make him. These are important things he needs to know about.”
“Say ‘over’ when your done talking jesus- but I don't know man, complaining about it wont do anything so I say we just go get him ourselves. over”
“Alright meet me at Mike’s. OVER and out.”