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It all started with Lottie getting sick.
It was to be expected; they couldn’t be as lucky that everyone on the team managed to avoid the flu season.
Jackie silently curses the universe.
“Can anyone bring notes to her for this class?” The teacher mutters.
Shauna raises her hand.
“I can do it, Miss,” Shauna says.
“Thank you, Shipman. Now let’s get back to the lesson.” The teacher continues where they left off.
Jackie tunes out whatever the teacher is saying; all she can focus on is Shauna.
That’s normal — she does think about Shauna a lot, but what’s not normal is thinking about Shauna and Lottie in the same sentence.
To Jackie, they exist in completely separate worlds.
Yes, they’re all on the same soccer team and Shauna and Lottie are what you would call friends, but to Jackie, when she thinks about Shauna’s close friends, who comes to mind is someone like Tai.
Tai is cool, and don’t get Jackie wrong, so is Lottie!
It’s just that she never particularly managed to be close to Shauna’s friends as she would have liked to be.
After a while, she gave up.
And somehow Shauna managed to win Lottie over but she couldn’t.
She’s gonna bring Lottie notes, and they’re gonna talk and they’re gonna be alone in Lottie’s house.
Jackie was planning on asking Shauna to hang with her, but that seems impossible for today.
She doesn’t want to be possessive about Shauna — Shauna can be friends with whoever she wants, even if it happened very suddenly.
She’s gonna be cool about this, she’ll show Shauna she’s so cool and chill with it.
She doesn’t have this much of a hard time with Jeff’s life outside of her; instead, she welcomes it.
She likes that he doesn’t think 24/7 about her, because she doesn’t think all that much about him, it just means she’s not boy crazy, and that’s not a bad thing, is it?
But why is she so Shauna crazy?
She imagines Shauna going to Lottie’s house and giving Lottie her notes.
It’s just fucking notes — nothing else.
She just really wanted to talk to Shauna about all of it. Their arrangement. They’re not pubescent girls anymore.
It certainly has nothing to do with last night and how they almost did it. Key word being almost.
To be honest Jackie didn’t think of it as a game they played at slumber parties anymore, it doesn’t feel like curiosity anymore — it just feels right and it’s not supposed to, maybe it’s because it’s Shauna.
How could any part of Shauna be wrong?
Even Jackie has her limits on how far this act can go.
How far will she allow herself to go before it crumbles down?
She’s seen what happens when friends sleep together, she’s not supposed to be afraid, but she is. She cannot afford to lose Shauna.
She thinks losing Shauna would be like ice, something beautiful that would melt eventually into a puddle of ugliness. Losing Shauna would be ugly, it would feel cruel — it’s not something that she would expect, but it would happen suddenly, and all there would be is ugliness, her world wouldn’t be beautiful without Shauna in it.
It would just be ugly, and maybe that's an insane way to feel about your best friend but she doesn’t care, she doesn’t give a damn — if Shauna makes her insane, then so be it.
She’s got an idea on a way to talk to Shauna without distracting from the whole Lottie situation. She can offer her help, and then she and Shauna will be in the same place again, in close proximity, and she can just smooth this over.
The class ended, she managed to tune out what the teacher was saying, it’s not what she usually does, but her mind was focused on more important matters.
Shauna’s already out the door, faster than Jackie expected. Now her suspicions are confirmed, Shauna is avoiding her because of last night.
She catches up to Shauna.
“Shipman,” Jackie says.
Shauna looks at her, her gaze neutral and calculating. She’s searching for something, and it seems she finds it, because she stops and allows Jackie to get closer.
She gestures to Jackie to get in the car.
Jackie gets in the car and puts on her seat belt. She hears a click, the sound of the car closing and Shauna starting the engine.
Shauna plays Weezer in the car.
Let's go away for a while, you and I
To a strange and distant land
Where they speak no word of truth
But we don't understand anyway
Holiday, far away, to stay
On a holiday, far away, let's go today
In a heartbeat
Heartbeat, heartbeat
Jackie remembers when they went to a Weezer concert in Trenton, she got the tickets as a gift for Shauna, and they drove to central Jersey, excited for the concert.
They had a good time, Jackie isn’t particularly into Weezer, but Shauna cares about things she’s interested in — she wants to return the favor.
Besides, the concert is what got her to see the appeal that Shauna was seeing.
She sees Shauna humming and she can’t help but feel fondness for her best friend. These feelings come so sporadically and she doesn’t understand them, she tries to understand but she doesn’t have a name for it. She just calls it fondness because it's the closest she can get to describe the way her heart feels in her chest.
“You know I was gonna be busy tonight, so why couldn’t you catch a ride with Jeff tonight?” Shauna questions as she grips the handle firmly. Her eyes are towards the road, not towards Jackie.
She can’t even be bothered to look at Jackie.
Jackie’s brain malfunctions, trying to make sense of the situation. She planned to smooth things over, but it seems it won’t be easy sailing.
“We always drive together,” Jackie responds, Why do their plans have to change just because Shauna decided to? She didn’t even ask Jackie if she wanted to spend the day without her in it?
“I always drive us.” Shauna snoffs.
“You know I can also drive us around, just say so.” Jackie groans in a moment of impatience.
“No, I don’t want a repeat of last year.” Shauna bites back.
“Then what do you want, Shauna? I don’t understand!” Jackie snaps.
“You can’t even say it.” Shauna’s voice sharpens, the tension bleeding into the air around them. Jackie guesses what Shauna truly wants to say is you can’t even say we almost fucked.
“Why do I have to say it? You know what I meant, that’s all that matters.” The words stumble out of her, full of hesitation.
“Maybe, I’m just tired of you beating around the bush, Jackie.. Have you ever thought about that, or is it always about what you want, whenever you want me?”
“I’m not ready to sleep with you, Shauna! God! Is that what you wanted me to say? I’m fucking terrified.” Jackie shakes her head in frustration.
“Okay.” Shauna seems to deflate at Jackie's answer.
That’s not what Jackie wanted in the slightest.
No! No! No! Not this!
“You know you make me feel whole. It’s not nothing to me, having you. It’s a lot. It’s also new.” Jackie starts, her gaze turning towards the window, for some reason she cannot seem to look at Shauna.
“It’s new to me, too, Jackie,” Shauna says, not looking back either.
“One day, maybe. I don’t know. Maybe.” Jackie whispers, it’s not a promise — she knows what promises mean to Shauna, and she’s not sure, why does something about this arrangement feel inevitable? Her heart knows this isn’t a guarantee, it’s her hoping one day she’ll be brave, brave like she’ll be one day with Jeff.
Shauna nods at that, and Jackie hopes it’s good enough for her. God knows, if she’s even good enough for this girl, she’s fucking terrified one day she won’t be.
Some days Jackie wakes up and thinks to herself, is this all I can be? Is this all I will ever be?
She doesn’t know the answer to that.
She doesn’t even know herself most days, that’s why she doesn’t make any guarantees.
The only guarantee she is sure of is what she feels for Shauna, how grateful she is that they crossed paths.
That's the only thing she is sure of.
“You’re going to bring notes to Lottie, right?” Jackie questions.
“Yeah. Why?” Shauna quirks her brow at that.
“I was thinking of giving her soup. I have some at home and she’s sick, so why not?” Jackie murmurs.
“Oh. Okay. Yeah, cool with me.” Shauna’s eyes widen in surprise.
“If you have time, come tonight,” Jackie says. It’s an offer, an invitation — she hopes Shauna takes her up on it.
“Okay, Jackie,” Shauna replies, she says it like it's easy for her.
Mission complete. She managed to somehow smooth this over — it’s not going to be over, she can still trail her fingers through Shauna’s hair and know the taste of Shauna’s lips. It’s not wrong, it’s Shauna.
Sometimes Jackie imagines people finding out what they do behind closed doors, what would they think of her? Would they think she’s a lesbian?
She’s supposed to love Jeff — she’s been with him since they started high school.
The music continues playing in the background, and all Jackie ends up thinking about is Shauna.
They stop by Jackie’s house on the way to Lottie’s. Shauna went to give Lottie a call, so that they’re coming over, so as not to surprise her.
Jackie also didn’t want to go if she was not welcome; she’s not exactly sure where she and Lottie stand, if she’s allowed at Lottie’s house. Jackie would love to have Lottie over, but she’s never managed to voice the wish out loud.
Inviting Shauna to her house is easy; it’s muscle memory at this point. She doesn’t have to second-guess herself with Shauna, but other people make her nervous.
That’s why she avoided intruding on her parents and Jeff for as long as she could; the dinner where they met was awkward. Jackie knows she didn’t try hard enough for it to flow easily, but she would be a fool to think her parents and the topic of a boyfriend would ever be an easy thing.
She has been on sleepovers together with Lottie, they managed to run in the same circles, they even run on the same field, on the field, Lottie is a teammate, someone she trusts. Off the field, she finds herself second-guessing herself when it comes to Lottie.
Jackie takes the container from the pantry and starts pouring the soup into it. Jackie isn’t exactly sure what kind of container it is, her mom insisted on buying them because apparently it keeps things hot, and what’s better than warm soup when you’re sick?
Shauna comes after she’s done calling Lottie and she doesn’t move; she just stands still watching Jackie.
“I like when you’re like this,” Shauna says.
“Like what?” Jackie furrows her brow, her expression a mix of confusion and amusement.
“Domestic,” Shauna answers her question.
“Guess, it looks like that, doesn’t it?” Jackie mumbles, she kind of wishes she had an excuse to do this for Shauna when she’s sick, but her mom’s a nurse, she can take way better care of sick Shauna than Jackie ever could, best to leave it to the experts sometimes.
“You’re good at caring for people,” Shauna adds.
Jackie’s eyes widened at that. She’s flattered that Shauna thinks this highly of her, and she tries her best.
Her heart beats faintly beneath her ribs; it was something that was begging to be let out, something important that was contained.
“Do you want to get dinner with me?” Jackie sputters out, it sounds like a date she realizes after she just said it.
Shauna doesn’t comment on it except nodding to her request, and Jackie’s grateful for it.
“Take out as usual?” Shauna questions.
“I was thinking of changing the stakes today. How about I cook for us?” Jackie asks. She’s been practicing her skills — she wanted to be the type of person who could cook for Shauna, instead of ordering food out all the time.
“You? Cooking?” Shauna’s eyes are full of amusement.
“Yup.” She pops the ‘p.’
“Okay, why not?” Shauna deflats and shrugs. In the end, it seems she’s prepared for any outcome.
Jackie‘s not going to disappoint her; she’s been working hard on this. Maybe one day, when Shauna has a boyfriend and decides to compare them, Jackie wants to come out on top.
People must always compare their boyfriends and best friends; Jackie certainly does it a lot.
Jeff will do something dumb, and Jackie will think Shauna would never do this.
Jeff disappoints her, and Jackie thinks at least Shauna will never disappoint me.
Jackie finishes filling the container with soup, and they head out to Lottie’s house.
Jackie’s probably going to give them time alone. She came because she was worried about Lottie and wanted to keep Shauna company, she doesn’t want to bother Lottie, especially when she’s sick.
The string slices into the skin of her fingers, and no matter how tough the calluses, it tears.
Lottie saw the sensitive layers of skin beneath.
Her dad noticed and motioned for her to stop.
“But…” Lottie mumbled; she wanted to keep practicing the guitar with Dad.
“The guitar will still be here.” Her dad tried to reassure her.
“Not forever.” Lottie sniffled.
“Nothing lasts forever, sweetheart, but that’s the best part, we make the most out of the time we have left.” Her father replied.
“I guess…” Lottie said through sniffles, her mind trying to make sense of it all.
“Can I take care of this before it gets worse?” Her father gestures to her torn calluses.
Lottie nodded in acknowledgment.
They went into the bathroom, and her dad gently cleaned the tear with mild soap and water.
Lottie experienced intense stinging; it was a burning sensation.
“Ow,” Lottie whispered.
Lottie’s dad looked at her and put the bandage on the torn calluses.
It was a bandage that had teddy bears on it.
“You were so brave, Lot.” He ruffled her hair and smiled softly at her.
Lottie smiled back at him. Her dad called her brave.
“Brave like Wonder Woman?” Lottie asked.
“Even braver than her, because you’re my daughter. Matthews are a brave bunch.” Her father stated with pride, he was always so proud of her, and Lottie cherished it.
“Come on, let’s tell Mommy how brave and talented my daughter was?” Her father motioned for her to follow him along, back to the living room.
“I’m not as good as you yet,” Lottie muttered.
“Are you kidding me? You’re already a rockstar.” Her father reassured her.
When they went into the living room, her mother was sitting on the couch, a book on her lap. Her gaze softened as she looked at Lottie’s dad and Lottie.
“Dear, is our daughter a rockstar?” Her father asked her mother.
Her mother’s eyes were full of amusement, but she responded without hesitation. “Lottie Matthews, a rockstar.”
Lottie ran up to her and hugged her.
“Looks like someone is in a good mood today.” Her mother said.
“I love you, Mom.” Lottie whispered.
“I love you, too, sweetie.”
Suddenly she couldn’t see her mom anymore; her mom wasn’t there anymore.
“Mum?” Lottie whispered in the beginning, maybe her mom was just lost.
“Mom?”
“Mom!”
“Mommy.”
“MOM!” Lottie yelled desperately, searching for her mother.
She didn’t notice everything disappearing around her while she was searching for her mother.
She looked for her father next, but he wasn’t there either.
“Dad!”
“Dad.”
“Dad, come on… this isn’t funny.”
“Daddy.”
“Daddy…”
Lottie hated crying; she wanted to be brave. She wanted to be strong but she couldn’t contain tears anymore. She started wailing, yelling names of her parents, desperately trying to find them, desperately trying to make sense of why they were gone. Her mom and dad were always there, but why weren’t they here now?
Mom and Dad, I need you, please just come back.
Suddenly, the noise of the phone woke her up.
Jesus, had she fallen asleep and dreamt of her parents again?
She looked at her cheeks, and the tear stains were still there; she wiped them quickly and pretended for her sake they weren’t there.
The worst type of crying was where your soul wept, and there was no way to comfort it. Her soul probably contained more scar tissue than life.
She looked at the same spot where she tore her calluses, it healed a long time ago, turns out time does heal some things.
She wished it was there, as proof, evidence that once upon a time her parents gave a shit about her, where the only place it could be possible wasn’t the dreams.
What many people don’t know about Lottie is that she used to play the guitar. Her guitar was her companion in this empty mansion. Now it sits tucked away in her closet. She tried to love it even after her parents happened, but in the end it reminded her of the good times, the before, and she knew there was no going back, so she left it behind.
She was afraid of her guitar going out of tune, but instead it was Lottie who lost her melody. All that’s left is silence.
The phone kept ringing.
Lottie mutters to herself. “I’m coming, fucking Shauna.” It was affectionate, she wasn’t annoyed at Shauna’s incoming call — she was annoyed she kept having these nightmares. They should just shoo and leave her the fuck alone.
She answered the phone after it had been ringing for a while. It wasn’t her fault she was sick, and the phone was in another room.
“Lottie.” Shauna’s voice can be heard from the other end of the line. She sounds concerned, but that’s absurd. Probably Lottie is delirious from her high temperature.
“Shauna! Hey!” Lottie says, trying not to cough and keep it in. “So the teacher called me earlier, and said you were gonna come,” Lottie states.
“Yeah, about that… Can Jackie come too? I think she’s worried about you but don’t tell her I told you this, she’s probably going to be embarrassed if she finds out I said anything.” Shauna says and her voice sounds more different, that being said she always sounds different when Jackie is involved, Jackie always managed to bring a different side to Shauna. Less guarded and more relaxed.
“Sure! Why not, just don’t get too close to me, cause you know, I don't want you guys to get sick just like me.” Lottie mutters, she sighs and realises even this is taking so much energy out of her.
“Okay, well, don’t wanna keep you, so we’ll be there soon. See you, Lottie.” Shauna replies, Lottie hears walking from Shauna’s end of the line, it’s probably Jackie walking.
“See you, Shauna,” Lottie replies, and then she hangs up the phone. She stands there for a while, gripping the kitchen counter, and dealing with exhaustion that has settled into her bones.
Nothing lasts forever, her father once said. He was right, their relationship certainly hadn’t lasted forever. When she needed reminding that she was loved, she would unfold memories of her friends — the memories would be pressing down on the corners and peering in close, they helped remember she was the same person in those memories, and that person was loved.
All her memories with her parents were painful; they brought an ache that was contained — it simply hurt, Lottie didn’t want to remember the good old days because they weren’t coming back, so what was the point of it?
All she wanted to do was move on, go to college and her parents to become a thought that pops up once in a while.
One good thing about having the flu is that Lottie’s body knows how her brain feels every day.
Nothing matters, and she’s in pain. The pain is the bad part.
She really wishes she could have the energy to take more than a few steps, though.
Her brain keeps jumping from one thing to another, sometimes it’s from how much pain she is in, and then it’s about how apathetic the fever makes her feel.
Shauna called her to confirm it was okay to bring notes and bring Jackie as well, of course, those two are always attached at the hip. Lottie would go as far as to say they’re codependent.
They remind her of her grandparents; those fools were in love until her grandpa died.
It’s not like Jackie or Shauna are going to die; they’re probably going to live for a very long time and live next door to each other, and everyone probably knows they’re going to never let go of each other, even when they’re going gray and frail.
Lottie thinks that’s kind of beautiful, growing old with someone.
She doesn’t think she’ll ever have that.
She’ll probably fall in love with someone, and it won’t work out, nothing ever seems to work out for her.
Like this fucking fever — it had to happen to her, and she had to miss practice and school, and he was stuck in this miserable house with no one except the housekeeper who comes by every few days.
Her parents say she’s old enough to look after herself, and it’s not like she needs a babysitter; it just gets lonely after a while.
Her friends can’t even visit all the time because they’re busy with their own lives, so thank god for Shauna because at least she won’t be going insane out of her mind with the silence, she’s gotten bored with the television and reading.
Shauna probably can’t even stay long to avoid catching the flu, so Lottie will take what she can get.
Laura Lee invited her for a sleepover after she gets better, so at least she has something to look forward to.
Right now, Lottie feels like a caged bird unable to spread her wings, even if no one is clipping her wings. It’s the fever that’s keeping her locked in; it’s the sickness. It’s happening to her and unfortunately for Lottie, it’s out of her control.
Nothing burns like the cold, but only for a while. Then it gets inside you and starts to fill you up, and after a while you don’t have the strength to fight it.
Lottie knows when something is a losing battle.
She loses a lot of battles when it comes to her parents.
They just are never there, there’s always something, they can’t even be bothered to call her to ask her if she’s alright.
Lottie absorbed the prints of her parents. It ends smudged, cracked and shattered into little pieces, beyond repair. They made her into this, once she wasn’t broken, and wasn't in need of repairing.
They say she’s always been sick, that it has been inside her brain, and that may be true, but her parents drifted apart from her; they did not fall a little bit; they crashed and shattered into green muck.
They could’ve built their relationship with Lottie back again, it wouldn’t shine the same again, but light would still be on, except her parents did not want to turn on the light. They wanted to stay down and drift further away — as far away from her as possible.
Shauna remembers last night, she remembers how quickly Jackie backed away from her and couldn’t even look at her. They almost fucked and that wasn’t even worth an acknowledgment to Jackie.
She decided to keep her occupied for tonight, so she wouldn’t have to share a ride back with Jackie in awkward silence.
The teacher asking for one of them to bring Lottie's notes to class was the perfect opportunity.
Then Jackie messed her plans up; she went in and rearranged the entire system to her preferences. That’s Jackie Taylor for you — she just always seems to know how things should go.
Shauna wasn’t having it in that particular moment, she didn’t even have time to process Jackie’s rejection and how she was going to deal with it and then Jackie makes it even more complicated for her because she’s sincierce this time, she tells Shauna her fears and worries, just tries her very best to explain.
Jackie even asks to come along with her today; she doesn’t invite herself, she just offers. She follows Shauna’s lead, and it’s everything Shauna has ever wanted from her.
Jackie is close to perfect that day, and that’s what makes Shauna realize in the end this feeling inside her still won’t go away. It wasn’t because Jackie rejected her yesterday, it was there before all of that and Shauna doesn’t know what to do, so she just stuffs it down and hopes it stays where it belongs.
The car ride to Lottie’s house isn’t tense like the car ride before; it’s comfortable, familiar and safe. It’s a place she knows, and it’s not unpredictable like the conversation beforehand was.
Shauna knows she fancies girls, it’s clear as the sky ahead of her, it’s clear as the road, and it’s clear as the window beside her; she looks at herself and knows this.
It's a much more complicated situation for Jackie and Shauna doesn’t exactly have an answer to exactly what’s going on in Jackie’s brain, if she’s just an experiment for Jackie, a fleeting fancy or if she’s someone worthwhile — the truth is that she just doesn’t know and not knowing makes her afraid. It makes her feel cautious.
She thinks a lot, she has lots of opinions — to her, it means identifying the parameters and analysing all the branching considerations.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Jackie questions Shauna, her eyes full of curiosity.
Shauna’s pretty sure Jackie’s heart would break at the ugliness inside her brain; it’s not the way she wants to feel, but sometimes she can’t help it. Her love for Jackie was so deeply woven with resentment that sometimes Shauna had trouble differentiating it.
“Just thinking, nothing interesting though,” Shauna mumbles back.
“I think nothing about you could ever be boring to me,” Jackie says. Jackie's ability to say things that take Shauna’s breath away should be investigated.
Loading, proceed with patience.
Shauna’s brain manages to come back online, and all she manages to do is nod. She’s absolutely not being normal about this, but this is Jackie’s fault; her mouth does wild things, Shauna knows firsthand, she knows how sweet Jackie tastes and how it feels to hear these flattering words directed to her. They’re only for her and no one else; she relishes in that.
“We’re getting closer,” Shauna states, trying to change the subject, to move on from the flutter in her chest.
“I’m glad, to be honest, I’m kind of worried about Lottie,” Jackie says. Jackie and Lottie are in the same sentence, and many surprising things are happening today. Shauna didn’t certainly anticipate it, she would have liked a heads up though.
“Yeah, she sounded really sick on the phone earlier,” Shauna says, sighing out loud.
“I don’t get how anyone would leave their child alone when they’re sick,” Jackie says, her tone full of frustration.
“I don’t know either, some parents just suck.”
“Your mom doesn’t, and thank god for that, your dad is already enough,” Jackie says with fierce protectiveness that surprises Shauna.
Shauna simply nods in acknowledgment. Her mom is an angel to her, who works so hard to provide for her, ever since her dad dropped out of parenting, only showing up whenever he deemed it best. It’s nice that Jackie shares similar opinions to her, though her mom deserves all the praise.
They eventually make it to Lottie’s big mansion. Shauna feels foreign at these kinds of houses, but Jackie fits right in here due to her experiences because of her rich background. Jackie never shied away from it, neither did Lottie and Shauna respected that.
Shauna parked her car, and she and Jackie made it to the door. Jackie was doing the thing with her hands when she got nervous, so the duty to ring the doorbell fell on Shauna.
She rings the goddamn doorbell — it’s just a doorbell, fancier than hers, but that’s to be expected. Focus Shipman.
Lottie comes to open the door, Shauna hears the sound of her slippers (?) and the way they go, Schhh, Schhh, Schhh — it’s frankly endearing.
“Hi,” Lottie says, with her sore throat.
Jackie just waves and nudges Shauna to do the same, and Shauna greets her back instead. It’s painfully obvious how hard Jackie is trying, and Shauna finds it adorable. That’s my girl, she sighs fondly to herself.
Wait? What? No. She did not mean it like that. Jesus. Totally not in that way! Just in a best friend way.
“Well, come in, stop standing around.” Lottie ushers them in, it is kind of cold.
Jackie hands her coat to Shauna to hang on the rack and decides this is the time to start walking around and checking out the various things in the house. If Jackie is curious, nothing will stop her.
Shauna hangs both of their coats, and then it’s just she and Lottie left standing in silence until she realizes she forgot something.
“Shit.” Shauna curses loudly to herself. She forgot the notes and the soup in the car, so Shauna has to go quickly and get them in this cold weather. It’s so warm inside.
“What’s wrong?” Lottie furrows her brows in curiosity.
“I forgot some stuff in the car.” Shauna sighs.
“I can get them if you give me the keys?” Lottie offers Shauna a way out but Shauna doesn’t take it, she’s the one who is a guest, for fuck’s sake
“No, Lottie! I’m gonna go and get them, besides, you’re the one who is sick, we don’t want you missing any more practices.” Shauna shakes her head in disagreement and goes to put her coat back on. She’s got a case of Parker Luck
The nod of indignation turns into a nod of acceptance. Shauna snorts at that — Lottie always wants to offer a helping hand to her, and Shauna has gotten used to it by now.
Jackie comes back into the room during this.
She eyes the two of them with a quizzed expression but lets it go. Shauna has no idea what Jackie concluded. Sometimes she’ll catch Jackie just looking at her for long periods of time and she doesn’t really know why Jackie wants to spend that amount looking at Shauna.
There are so many things she wants to ask Jackie, but the words never make it out of her mouth. She wants to ask why Jackie doesn’t say I love you, why she wants to ask Jackie why it’s different with other people around, she wants to just be inside Jackie’s brain, know the most intimate parts of her.
Maybe some questions aren’t meant to be answered, maybe they just stay unanswered, and that’s that. Nothing poetic about it, just another part of life.
“What’s up?” Jackie asks, her gaze curious, nothing else.
“I forgot your soup in the car and the notes,” Shauna summarizes, that’s what happened, something simple but still annoying nevertheless.
“I can go get it,” Jackie says.
“I thought Shauna was going to get it,” Lottie says with a puzzled expression.
“Oh, I didn’t know that. It’s better if I go, I've got to be a passenger princess,” Jackie announces, and that’s that. Shauna doesn’t understand why Jackie is so eager to go out in the cold, but she lets Jackie go.
Jackie puts on her coat and closes the door. Shauna watches her leave.
“Do you want to go sit by the fireplace?” Lottie asks, breaking the silence.
“Sure. Thanks, Lottie,” Shauna responds.
They sit near the fireplace, and Lottie hands her a blanket that was on the couch. She gets the extra one, and they sit together in silence. Existing in silence felt easy with Lottie; there was nothing heavy about it, no tension — just two people existing together.
The fire cackles and snaps, heating the room to just below too warm. Shauna basked in the warm glow. Her heart called out for Jackie; the moment didn’t feel complete without Jackie.
Jackie comes back after a few minutes. Shauna hears her footsteps; she knows them by heart. Jackie looks at Shauna softly, she sets the things she got on the nearest table and sits beside Shauna.
Shauna takes the other half of the blanket and wraps it around Jackie. Jackie looks at her to ask Shauna if she’s sure. Shauna nods, and that’s all the confirmation Jackie needs to scoot closer; she lays her head on Shauna’s shoulder.
They don’t mind that Lottie is there; they both know Lottie won’t say anything because this is them, they’ve always been physically affectionate with each other.
They come as a pair, Jackie used to say when they were young.
Shauna thinks that’s true, she doesn’t know what her life would be without Jackie, and she doesn’t want to live without her. Sometimes at night during their sleepovers, when Jackie is asleep, she’s unable to look away from Jackie. There's just something about Jackie Taylor that makes you unable to look away.
Lottie never really focused on Jackie and Shauna together; she did focus on them, but individually — before this, to her, they were just best friends, same as everyone else.
They don’t really seem like typical best friends, though, you can’t help but notice when you’re in their orbit — they’re in their own universe if they’re in the same room together, always glancing at each other, always looking at each other but turning away quickly so the other one doesn’t notice.
Unbeknownst to Lottie, she won’t understand the reason why until she is stranded in the wilderness, because to her, Jackie and Shauna seem like close friends. It’s much later when she will get the fuller picture.
Lottie doesn’t like to make assumptions about people, and she hates it when people make assumptions about her. She only believes what she can see and what she feels.
She despises rumors about Natalie; she tries to shut them down if they are in her vicinity. People don’t know others, and they spread baseless accusations, harmful ones at that.
Those same people don’t have a shit say to her because her parents are rich and they’re cowards, they’re coming at people who they know won’t be favored by the school administrators.
Lottie hates hierarchies, she doesn’t ever want to be a leader or someone at the top of the food chain. She just wants to be on solid ground, firm and steady.
She wants someone to guide her, to be her beacon. She wants to be able to fall down and have someone fall down with her and then get up together, because falling down shouldn’t be the end, it should be a destination — a road ahead to the ending chapter.
Jackie and Shauna fall asleep, saddled together with a blanket, and Lottie lets them rest for a while.
They must have been tired, especially with the upcoming match. Lottie will have to work extra hard to catch up, but she’s always been up for a challenge.
She wondered what it was that Shauna forgot in the car aside from notes and what Jackie went to grab, so she went to check it out of curiosity.
Sue her, sometimes she’s nosy. She goes to the table and she sees it’s a soup. For her, and there’s no note on it, so who knows whether it’s from Shauna or Jackie
She opens it and searches for a spoon in the drawers to taste it. It’s delicious, she thinks to herself. No one has made soup for her when she was sick for a really long time. She remembers vivid memories with her mom, and her mom worrying about her, her gaze full of concern.
Oddly enough, it doesn’t hurt. It just makes her happy to know her friend did this for her, whoever it may be. It doesn’t matter to her if it’s Jackie or Shauna.
Her mother is a complicated woman in the simplest terms. Lottie doesn’t know her well enough anymore to make an accurate judgment of her character. She seems kind when she’s here and when she’s not, well, Lottie’s not around in those moments to know.
Her father isn’t complicated; he’s simply to understand. Fathers always want you to measure up to something, Lottie thinks. People buy plants and then have expectations for those plants, but sometimes you can’t guarantee the future. It shouldn’t have been a guarantee that Lottie would turn out exactly how her father envisioned.
When you fail to water the plant, it withers and ceases to be as beautiful, and it eventually no longer grows — because you failed to tend to your garden’s needs, and by then there won’t even be visible seeds. Children and Parents sort of work like that; the hearts of children are delicate organs, you have to be gentle with them.
Lottie looks back at Jackie and Shauna sleeping, unaware of the world around them, and she feels a tiny tear on her cheek. She wipes it off. She doesn’t know why on earth it’s there, but maybe it’s not from pain, maybe it’s from acceptance.