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These kinds of mornings are the most difficult ones. Waking up to each other but knowing they won’t fall asleep next to the other. They knew this would happen when choosing this line of work but these kinds of mornings also meant one or the other might not come back at all. The missions and the longing are part of the job but the not-knowing if the other will ever be back is the hardest part.
During these kinds of mornings, they will step in bed until the sun is too high and they get guilty from lazing around. They will order breakfast because the fridge has been emptied in advance. They will pack their bags and sneak things into each other’s rucksack secretly so that they can discover it once they are apart. They will hug goodbye in the parking lot and drive separately to their base. From then on, the other does not exist and they fully focus on their mission and their squad.
But for the moment, they are still in bed, and the sun is barely high enough in the sky to get out of it. Donghae lays on his stomach, face still drowning in his pillow, his hand on his boyfriend’s torso. Sleeping next to Donghae means getting slapped in the face multiple times per night for Hyukjae, but Donghae’s hand would always look for his heartbeat and settles back on his chest. Donghae’s flapping hand is still more comfortable than his bunk mates’ snoring back at the barracks. Hyukjae scoots closer to Donghae, turning on his side, to brush his hair. Donghae let his hair grow during their last leave and had to go to the hairdresser yesterday to cut it. Every time he goes back to the buzz cut, his scalp feels like a newborn's, so soft. Donghae’s hand tightens its grip on Hyukjae’s chest as Hyukjae’s hand scratches his head.
“Good morning.” Donghae muffles in his pillow. Hyukjae snorts and kisses the crook of his lover’s neck. “You’re not getting me out of bed with neck kisses.” Donghae says, his face turning to see Hyukjae. His eyes are still full of sleep, and the pillow sticks to his cheek.
“You drooled all over yourself, and kept slapping me the whole night.” Hyukjae answers back.
“You love it and dream about it when we’re apart.” Donghae smirks and throws his arm around Hyukjae’s waist, bringing him closer. “I was drooling because I dreamt of you all night.”
“Why dream of me when you have the real deal in your bed? Shouldn’t you be keeping those dreams for later?” Hyukjae whispers in his ear.
“I don’t think anyone on the ship is keen on hearing me scream your name in my sleep.” Donghae grinds himself to Hyukjae’s front.
“You’re filthy.” Hyukjae still smiles into the open mouth kiss Donghae gives him, and asks for more when Donghae retreats. “I miss you already.”
“I’ll send some pictures.” Donghae jokes, because he will not. He cannot in fact. They are leaving their personal phones behind when going into missions. “I’ll check if there’s some beans left in the grinder, or I’ll have a quick coffee run.” They share a small peck and Donghae gets out of bed, picking a shirt up from the floor and putting it on. It is one of Hyukjae’s shirts, Donghae never really cares for wearing his own clothes, always claiming Hyukjae’s are more comfortable, and, well, smell like Hyukjae.
Hyukjae is still stretching in bed when he hears Donghae cursing in the kitchen. They are out of coffee beans.
“Just order coffee with breakfast!” Hyukjae shouts from the bed.
Donghae appears in the doorframe. “The coffee will be shit. I already have to leave you today, please don’t make me have shitty coffee as a second punishment.”
“I’ll just order whatever I like while you’re out.” Hyukjae gets up and makes their bed, tucking the sides.
“You know you don’t have to do that here, right?” Donghae loves making fun of Hyukjae’s tidiness.
“And you know that you can be neat even when you’re on leave. It doesn’t only belong to the army.”
“I love making a mess too much.” Donghae reaches to pinch his boyfriend’s sides.
“Just go get that coffee already.” Hyukjae slaps his hands away.
Donghae is always on edge on those mornings. He wants to tease and bicker, and usually Hyukjae indulges him. But today Donghae will leave for a 6-month mission in the Pacific, they have never been apart that long since they started living together. Hyukjae wants to forget that each second they spend together today are the last ones for a long while. Hyukjae will get leave during Donghae’s mission and he does not know how he will sleep alone in their bed or breathe normally while not getting any news from his boyfriend. And he knows he should not feel that because he knows exactly how it feels to be on the other side of it. Sometimes not being able to give news is just as excruciating as not receiving them.
“It’ll be fine, Hyukkie. It always is.” Donghae says at the door, sensing the tension between them. He leaves to get his coffee fix. Hyukjae waits to hear the door open and close before going into the shower. Donghae is back just when Hyukjae hangs up the phone with the toast shop near their place. Hyukjae steals some coffee sips while they wait for the delivery to arrive.
“Did they tell you what you’re allowed to bring on the ship?” Hyukjae asks, they are cuddling on the sofa, his hands in Donghae’s hair again. Going on a long mission, Donghae should be able to bring more than his simple rucksack.
“Just the usual nothing. If it wasn’t suspicious I’d bring one of your ROKA shirts to sleep in.” But then again, 6 months is a short mission for the Navy.
“You can always say you got it at training.”
“They all know I went to the academy, I might as well say I bought it at a gift shop.” Donghae sighs.
If Hyukjae has been rising in ranks to Sergeant First Class since his enlistment, Donghae went to the Navy Academy and graduated with his Second Lieutenant rank.
“I’m probably allowed some pictures.” Donghae switches topics.
“You’re scared you won’t remember how I look in 6 months?” Hyukjae laughs.
“I’d remember you even if they brainwashed you out of my brain.” Donghae gets serious and tense, sitting up and getting in Hyukjae’s face.
“I believe you, fish boy, no need to get that serious.”
The bell finally rings with their delivery. They eat in silence until their takeout is in the trash. The clock is ticking away what is left of their time together.
“How long do we have left?” Donghae asks, trailing his fingers up and down Hyukjae’s arms, creating goosebumps.
“You need to leave in two hours if you want to avoid traffic. I have to pick one of the privates up from the station, so I should get going soon.” Hyukjae locks eyes with his pouty boyfriend.
Donghae whines at that last part. “Why? Can’t he book a taxi or something?”
“I already agreed.” Hyukjae pecks his nose. “Did you pack everything?”
“I’m just missing a naked picture of you.” Donghae smirks, stealing a kiss. “Is it just me or is it getting harder to leave you Sergeant Lee?”
“Weren’t you saying everything will be fine?” Hyukjae arches an eyebrow.
“I was referring to me not dying in action. I’ll miss you still. Every piece of you.” Donghae kisses his eyes, his cheeks, his ears, his neck and finally his mouth. They hold each other close, none of them wants to let go. After a few minutes that will feel like seconds in a few days, Hyukjae squeezes a bit more of his arms around his boyfriend’s waist before letting go.
“Are you walking me down to the car?”
“Got nothing better to do, don’t I?” Donghae sighs, getting up.
Hyukjae laces his boots, while Donghae takes his bag and the car keys. Their hands find each other while riding the elevator down to the parking lot. Donghae has clammy hands, he used to argue that it was because Hyukjae made him nervous, then confessed he did not want his naturally clammy hands to repulse Hyukjae. Little did he know that it would take more than clammy hands for Hyukjae to be repulsed.
The elevator rings when they arrive at the second basement level. Doors open but none of them move. They are about to close again when Donghae just throws Hyukjae’s bag across them to keep them open.
“Sorry, reflex.” Donghae apologises, eyes on the bag on the other side of the doors. They step out of the elevator and walk to Hyukjae’s car. Donghae puts the bag in the trunk and stands next to the driver’s door.
“Stay safe.” Hyukjae rolls his window down.
“I will. I love you.” Donghae sticks his head through the window to steal one last kiss.
“I love you.” Hyukjae can feel his heart screaming how much he wants to stay close to Donghae. Still, he rolls up the window, takes the car out of the parking spot, and looks up in the review mirror. Donghae swings on his heels, hands in his pockets, brows in a frown. He stands there until the car goes up to the next level.
Hyukjae comes back from his mission after 13 weeks in a dry desert, sand lodged everywhere and anywhere it could in his body orifices. He feels like even a tenth shower back home will not help getting rid of every grain of sand sticking to his body. He is in the barracks, packing his bag, readying to go back home. His squad is chatting around him, one sharing how he cannot wait to kiss his fiancée again, another that his daughter probably made her first steps during his absence, some are planning for drinks right ahead.
Stepping outside of the building, Hyukjae finally turns his mobile on, he has a few emails, a text from his mother and a text from the Korean Navy office. His heart drops. If anything would happen to him during service, his mother is his emergency contact. She would be the one receiving notice from the Korean Army that something happened to Hyukjae during combat. He never mentioned it to Donghae because it seemed the most logical. If they were each other’s contact the other might never get the news if he was on a mission, but somehow the Navy lieutenant still changed his contact to Hyukjae.
Hyukjae waits to be alone in his car to open the text. It only mentions Donghae’s Navy ID and his last GPS location. In the middle of the Pacific ocean. The text is one-week old, which means the ship has not shared a location in a week. It could mean nothing and anything. Maybe the GPS broke and they are busy getting to the nearest ally base to fix it. Maybe the ship is under attack and the first thing the enemy has destroyed is the GPS. Hyukjae locks his phone and focuses all he has not to let his thoughts wander to the worst possibility. He has to call Donghae’s mother, he has to let her know that her son has not been sighted by anyone outside that ship in a week. He starts the car engine and drives out of the base directly to Donghae’s mother.
Mrs Lee lives in an apartment building in a residential area, she moved there after Donghae left home. Donghae was not raised in the city, he grew up on the coast, near the sea that he loves so much. They are a military family, both his father and brother served. Donghae’s brother died in action in his second year of service, and their father could not bear the loss of his son anymore to continue living. Donghae then considered dropping out of the academy. That is how Hyukjae met him. And in this moment more than ever, Hyukjae is regretting ever convincing Donghae to get back on that path.
He stops at the florist on his way to Mrs Lee’s, picking up some flowers for her living room. He calls her to let her know he will visit. She does not like surprises, so he will not come at her with two. It takes him 20 minutes to step out of the car and enter the apartment building.
“My dear boy.” Mrs Lee opens her door to him. “Did you just come from base? What will your mother say? Coming to see me first.” She hugs him tightly. She has been a great supporter of their relationship since day one. He follows her inside and watches her put the flowers in water.
Hyukjae stands in the middle of the room, gathering up his strength, he clears his throat. “I have some news.”
Mrs Lee stops fretting, her whole body immobilising. “Is this about my son?” Hyukjae hates being the one to tell her. He takes her arm and sits them both down on the couch.
“I received a text from the Navy office a week ago. I only got access to my personal phone today so I couldn’t tell you before.” He takes her hands in his and tries to smile. “They lost the GPS location of the ship. It means nothing for now. I didn’t know Donghae put me as his contact, and I wanted you to know.” Mrs Lee’s face falls and tears appear in her eyes.
“Thank you for telling me in person.” She pats Hyukjae’s hands and looks away, to her husband and sons’ pictures in uniforms. Donghae stands in his graduation uniform, cap under his arm, hair so short he looks bald. The picture stands next to a wedding picture and a family picture of the four of them.
“I can ask for you to be put back as his contact so you don’t have to wait for my next leave to get news.” Mrs Lee shakes her head as soon as Hyukjae starts speaking.
“He changed it for a reason. This son of mine does nothing without a reason. I’ll respect his decision.” She turns back to him, putting her hand on his cheek. “I know you love him as much as I do and that is a great relief to me.”
“I’ll let you know as soon as I get news.” Hyukjae promises.
Mrs Lee nods and smiles at him. “Now be a good son and call your mother.” She thanks him again for coming to her and walks him back to the door, sending him away with some food.
Hyukjae drives back to his empty apartment. He calls his mother on the way back, and cries as soon as he hangs up. He wishes that he was still on a mission, totally oblivious to this news, that Donghae never changed his contact. He wonders why Donghae did it. What is the point of appointing a fellow soldier as your emergency contact?
He does house chores the rest of the night, nothing actually takes his mind off Donghae. He thinks of the next two weeks he has to spend alone, worrying each waking minute. He looks back on all those leaves he spent alone during those last years, he never reached the level of worry he has now.
Alone at night, Hyukjae thinks of the first time he saw Lee Donghae. He was not Second Lieutenant Lee at that time, but a Junior at the Korea Naval Academy. Hyukjae was a new recruit, just out of his year of mandatory training. They were both with fellow soldiers at a bar near the Pohang base. They called on the bar owner at the same time, Hyukjae disliked him on sight: an arrogant handsome midshipman who would get rank once out of school, while Hyukjae would scrap for years to get recognition. They did not talk to each other that first night, but Hyukjae felt eyes watching him the entire time.
They came back to the bar each night during a full week. Donghae’s class was preparing for the new year’s induction week, while Hyukjae’s squad was completing additional training. They finally spoke when the bar was full and the owner offered for their groups to share a table. Donghae and Hyukjae sat next to each other, and started a conversation after a few drinks. Donghae was clearly a beginner at this game, words slurring together after a few beers. He was being flirty but there was also a sadness in his eyes that Hyukjae couldn’t help but be reminded of each time he was flirting back. They ended up being the only left at the table, Donghae gave him his personal number before taking his leave as well.
They spent months texting and secretly calling each other. Donghae shared his sadness over the death of his brother, his doubt of the life he chose and the legacy he was following. Hyukjae shared his family financial issues, the reason why he voluntarily enlisted, and the soothing frame the army was bringing. They both helped each other through so much that there was no thinking over their feelings. Donghae, ever the passionate one, confessed a few weeks after opening about his brother.
They coordinated their leaves to see each other when texts and phone calls stopped being enough. There was no hesitation on where they wanted this to go, the moment Hyukjae opened the door on Donghae, he felt the magnetic pull and kissed him. The fire the Navy Junior answered with made it clear to both of them that there could never be anyone else after that.
Morning comes, and Hyukjae wakes up alone in bed. He finds himself touching the empty space next to him. But no, Donghae is on a mission, no news has been heard from the ship in 8 days. He sighs and punches Donghae’s pillow out of frustration. Hyukjae prides himself on being the detached one in the relationship, he knows how to keep his cool and does not let emotions take over situations. Donghae is the hot-blooded one, getting heat up over stupid shit in his personal life because he has to keep it down at work. They balance each other out. But it seems like the situation is making Hyukjae lose control and Donghae is not there to balance him out.
Hyukjae goes through his 2-week leave without any news from the Korean Navy. He wakes up each day, turns his phone on and off multiple times a day just in case.
He is set to go back to base tomorrow, from where he will fly for a 2-month mission during which he will have no access to his personal phone. He needs to find a solution to be able to get news from Donghae. Wallowing for two weeks has clearly not helped. He cannot say he has friends in high places, but some of them are in convenient places. He grabs his phone and texts the one person that could help.
I need a favour. Can we meet?
Choi Minho from Special Forces is currently sitting out missions because of an injury, he has been assigned to an office job coordinating information between army departments. He might be the only answer to Hyukjae’s current problem. He will have access to Donghae’s whereabouts and will be able to forward them to Hyukjae even during a mission, without attracting higher-ups’ attention.
They meet at a coffee shop in Seongsu. Even without the uniform, Minho is turning heads, his big build is impossible to miss, long legs, broad shoulders. He smiles when he recognises Hyukjae and sits down, placing his iced coffee on the table.
“Long time no see. How’ve you been?”
“Thank you for coming. I’ve been better, that’s why I asked for a favour.”
“Does this favour mean I have to break laws or something? You look very serious.”
“I need you to let me know the situation of a fellow soldier while I’m on my next mission.”
Minho’s brows go up then frown. “OK… What is the current situation of said soldier?”
“He is on ship, the GPS has not emitted in 4 weeks.”
“Hyung..”
“I know how it sounds.” Hyukjae cuts him off. “I have not given up hope yet.”
“I meant, you should have called earlier. You must have been out of your mind.”
“He put me as his emergency contact, but once I’m back to base, the only outside person I get to talk to is my mother.”
“Why did you let him put you as emergency contact? Does he not know you’re serving too?”
“This idiot didn’t tell me. And I can’t ask the contact to be changed to his mother without attracting unwanted attention.”
Minho’s brows shoot up his forehead. “Are you..?”
“This is why I need the favour, Minho. No one can know. I need someone to update his mother in case something happens while I’m away. You’re the only one who can get this kind of information.” Hyukjae whispers, looking around them in worry, as if an officer is hiding under a table waiting to hear about Hyukjae and Donghae’s relationship.
“You sneaky bastard!” Minho laughs wholeheartedly. “Of course I’ll check his situation, as many times a day as you require. Just tell me his rank and name.”
“Second Lieutenant Lee Donghae.” Hyukjae sighs in relief, Minho will get the news to Mrs Lee, hopefully there will be news to give her.
Minho types the name on his phone, before putting it back on the table, looking at Hyukjae with mirth in his eyes. “How long have you been hiding this?”
“A few years?” Hyukjae is not sure, he is not counting the days when it comes to Donghae. From the moment they met, it felt like their missing pieces had come together. They could live their entire life together and it would never be enough.
“Years?” Minho whispers-shouts. “You’ve been hiding this for years? From everyone?”
“Only work-related people.” Hyukjae rolls his eyes at his dramatic friend.
“You have a work-related life, how did you even manage that?”
“By not being stupid and putting him as my emergency contact.”
“You usually want to have your partner as your contact. I do.” The Special Forces soldier shrugs.
“And she is a baker, not an army sergeant, which means she’s able to receive the information.”
“That’s probably something you should talk about once he’s back.” When Hyukjae’s long face is the only answer he gets, Minho insists. “He’ll be back, hyung. You know those old ships, they are probably getting to port with old maps, a compass and radio.”
They spend the next hour catching up on each other’s life: Hyukjae’s multi-year relationship, Minho’s injury, planning their next run once the younger one gets better. Minho pats him on the back before leaving. “I’ll text you.”
Hyukjae returns home to prepare for his next mission. He empties the fridge, giving some leftovers to his student neighbour who never says no to free food. He deep-cleans the apartment to distract himself and stop the endless flow of thoughts going through his brain. He tries to appreciate his last night in his own bed but it is always difficult to fall asleep in their bed without Donghae’s body warmth.
He drives to base in the morning, leaving his heavy heart behind and giving his full mind and body to his country.
Hyukjae and his squad have been stuck at the same hideout under the snow for weeks when his ranking officer tells him there is a call for him. He takes it with shaking hands, expecting the worst and hoping for the best.
“Special Forces Sergeant Choi Minho for Sergeant Lee Hyukjae, do you accept the call?” An automatic voice answers.
“Sergeant Lee Hyukjae, I accept.” The line crackles for a few seconds, and then it goes on.
“Hyung? It’s Minho.”
“Minho, what are you calling me for?” Hyukjae tries to sound detached in case his officer is listening to him.
“The GPS started emitting again yesterday. The connection is back on, without interruption for 24 hours now. They declared everyone healthy on board.” Minho’s smile can be heard through the phone.
“Alright. Thank you for letting me know.” Hyukjae’s heart starts beating again, his lungs stretch all the way now and oxygen goes up to his heart. He feels like he has not been breathing properly in the last weeks.
“I’ll call his mother.”
“Of course, thank you.” He hangs up and wills his hands to stop shaking. He gives the phone back to his officer and goes back to his squad mates.
“News from home?” Private Lee Ryeowook asks.
“Yes I asked a friend to look after my mother, her health has not been great. But it’s looking better now.” Hyukjae lies easily.
“Good news, hyung-nim.” Ryeowook smiles.
They stay in the cold for one more month until they get pulled back to base. Minho has not given other news, and the only message from the Navy Office received on Hyukjae’s personal phone is dated a month back. He has a drink with his squad before going back home. Knowing the apartment is still empty, he wants to delay coming back to it.
Hyukjae has been asleep for what feels like seconds, after so many nights out in the cold his bed feels like cotton clouds, when he hears strange sounds in the apartment. If he was expecting anyone he would be out of bed already. But there was no news from Donghae since the ship GPS started emitting again one month ago. He still has some days left on this mission, it might even be pushed out due to the GPS issue. He convinces himself that the neighbours are just being loud, and gets back to sleep instantly. He wakes up a second time when the door to the bedroom opens, he is wide awake instantly. He sits up and grabs the bedside lamp to use as a weapon if needed.
“I’m a trained soldier and I have a weapon.” He shouts, his whole body on edge, back to the reflexes he spent years drilling into it.
“Hyukkie, it’s just me.” The lights go on and Donghae stands at the door. He wears the blue khakis of the Navy uniform, hair so short one can guess someone on his squad kept it clean shaved all these months, dark circles under his eyes, but still handsome, still the man Hyukjae loves.
The bedside lamp crashes on the floor and Hyukjae throws his arms around the man he loves.
“It’s really you.” He breathes in the iodic smell that is a part of Donghae’s skin after so many days at sea. He moves his hands all over Donghae’s body, having him in his arms feels surreal.
“Hi.” Donghae giggles, and god has Hyukjae missed that sound. Clammy hands clasp his lower back and he could scream of happiness.
“Hi.” Hyukjae takes Donghae’s smiling face in his hands and feels his own face splitting into a smile.
“I don’t think you’ve ever been that happy to see me.” Donghae laughs, kissing Hyukjae. Their first kiss in 24 weeks. When their full brain capacity was not required to be focused on the mission, they counted each minute spent apart. They rediscover each other, basking in the relief of finding each other again.
When they break apart, Hyukjae pushes Donghae’s chest and pins him against the wall next to the door. “You scared the living shit out of me. What kind of brain seizure did you have to put me as your emergency contact?”
Donghae winces but does not divert his gaze. He knows he deserves the scolding. “I didn’t want you to learn it this way. I requested the change before going back, I didn’t think they’d do it right away. And I sure didn’t think it’d be used that quickly.” He tries to push himself off the wall, but Hyukjae’s arm stops him, and traps him.
“If you want to keep me as your emergency contact, things will have to change.” Hyukjae says even though he knows none of them wants to talk about that, he wants to kiss that smirky mouth until his lips go numb.
“A threat?” Donghae lifts his right brow. “You’ll have as many hours as you wish tomorrow to yell at me, Lee Hyukjae. For now, I want a hot shower and fall asleep in your bony-ass arms.”
Donghae drops his head against Hyukjae’s, their foreheads touching, nose snuggling. Of course Donghae’s body starts trembling and his chest rumbles with laughter, breaking the moment. “When you said you had a weapon? Was it the lamp or do you actually sleep with a weapon when I’m not here?”
Hyukjae recognises the teasing in Donghae’s voice and steps back, letting go of his boyfriend. “Just go have your shower, I want to sleep.”
“I’m a trained soldier and I have a weapon!” Donghae imitates on his way to the ensuite bathroom. Hyukjae curses him, but he has missed every tease and every lame joke.
He lies back in bed, listening to the familiar sound in the bathroom. His mind wanders until Donghae flops next to him. Hyukjae looks at him: wet hair, moisturised skin, tanning marks on his skin, his living and breathing body. He takes the Navy lieutenant’s hand and puts it on his beating heart where it belongs. Donghae’s body tension disappears as he relaxes and they bring their bodies closer together.
“Are you having a heart attack? It’s beating like crazy.” Donghae keeps his hand on Hyukjae’s chest.
“I’m just happy to have you back.”
“I missed you too.” Donghae smiles and huddles closer to Hyukjae’s body, trying to soak in the warmth.