Chapter Text
‘No one ever came to save me,’ Astarion snarled at his lover, taking an unconscious step back, not out of fear, but of unease, like the mere memory of his entrapment recoiled him, his head turned, talking more to the trees in the forest outside of camp rather than Tav, ‘the weak do not survive, they either become the strong or they die. I brought myself out of that hell hole, so why should I play pretend hero? Let them save themselves, or let them die trying. It isn’t our problem after all.’
Tav glared at him,knowing that they couldn’t possibly know or understand everything Astarion had been through. They had tried to be sympathetic truly, they had, after the little of him they did know, but this,this was too far, even for the vampire.
‘You do not care, fine, but I do. I care because I have the opportunity, and the ability, to make a change. To make the life of those suffering the tiniest bit easier, to give those in need a fighting chance they otherwise wouldn’t get themselves. And you, you would squander that for some petty ideals and revenge that these people had nothing to do with?’ Tav snapped, taking a step towards Astarion, pain glittering in their eyes.
Had they been seeing a change in their lover that wasn’t truly there? Had they become so delusional in their love and affection and care, thinking that he was changing for the better? That they could’ve been the one to help him change?
‘P-petty revenge?!’ Astarion exclaimed, choking back a scoff, finally turning his gaze back to Tav, ‘I was stripped of my life and tormented for 200 years by Cazador and his twisted mind. I was tortured and maimed and made to debase myself for his amusement and pleasure, there is nothing petty about my revenge.’
‘And you are angry that no one came to save you?’
Astarion’s nose flared, eyebrows narrowing as his face grew closer to Tav’s, ‘I despise it. I despise Cazador, I despise humanity and morality, I despise myself for wishing someone would come for all those years and letting those gods-damned mind flayers to claim ownership and believing it to be freedom.’
‘And if someone could have saved you from that torment and slavery, even just a day of it, but they didn’t, would you hate them?’
‘I would hunt them down and slaughter them.’ Astarion’s voice was low and growling as he spoke without missing a beat, an icy cold glazing over his eyes.
Tav took a breath and stepped closer to Astarion. He wouldn’t hurt them, maybe because he cared for them or was worried about Gale fulfilling his promise to incinerate him, but Astarion would not hurt Tav. Tav took Astarion’s hand in theirs, cupping it tightly as they looked into those red eyes, eyes no one remembered the original colour of, eyes that were Astarion’s tell into his emotions and thoughts. Maybe it was true that Astarion had a soul no more, but those eyes were a window to it nonetheless.
Astarion flinched as Tav took his hand, flinched out of pure instinct, choosing to freeze between the three reactions of nature, Astarion flinched like he was expecting a fight or some consequence to whatever defiance he thought he was committing.
‘And yet you would walk away? From people you could help, people you could save, people whose suffering you could stop, and you would walk away?’ Tav’s voice broke in their pleading, needing Astarion to understand, needing it so that they could know there was some part of Astarion who cared, who wanted to care. They squeezed his hand tighter and tighter, their warmth barely denting the cold, pale hand beneath their fingertips
‘It. Is. Not. My. Problem,’ Astarion placed emphasis on each of the words he spat, flinging Tav’s hand away as he turned from them, stalking back to camp, ‘save them if you must, but I will take no part in keeping the weak weak and expectant. Your self righteous and selfless nature will one day get you killed, do not expect me to mourn you for it as you risk your life for strangers. Continue to be as stupid as you want. I don’t give a damn.’