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Summer.
The season Yoshiki hated the most. No, it wasn’t just because of the scorching heat— nor the fact that every gust of wind felt like a breath from Hell itself. It wasn’t the way how each step felt like you were slowly melting into the ground, or how every exhale you took felt like you were breathing in fire. The warmth had nothing to do with it, after all, it was the only season Yoshiki felt such hospitality.
Yoshiki hated summer because it was the time where he accepted the death of his best friend.
Winter was an illusion. Or so, he wished to believe. The feeling of Hikaru’s ice cold face being cupped by Yoshiki’s trembling hands was unforgettable. The sight of his face, blood swallowing his left eye— it was a view Yoshiki failed to get out of his mind. Everytime he closed his eyes, Hikaru would be there. Limp, fragile, unbreathing, and most of all; alone. It made Yoshiki want to bawl his eyes out. What had Hikaru ever done to be cursed with such a death surrounded by a hostile forest, drowning in the rain while the grass provided zero comfort? What could he have possible done to deserve this, a death prone to misery with the last sight being a pitch-black night sky?
Yoshiki wished he arrived there sooner. But either way, he would’ve been too late. It was inevitable, he knew, but the guilt would always gnaw on his back.
I should’ve been there for him.
I should’ve never let him go to those mountains.
Sleep wasn’t an option after Hikaru’s death. Hell, it wasn’t even in Yoshiki’s dictionary. How could he mourn the loss of his one and only when his body was still being used, present, even without a pulse? It was disgusting. It was unacceptable. Yet still…Yoshiki always found himself latching onto the last thing known to be Hikaru’s form, despite it being so different.
It sickened Yoshiki to no end. And he only had himself to blame.
“Yoshiki!”
Yoshiki flinched. He blinked a few times, vision blurry. Was he asleep? Who was talking to him?
“Yoshikiii. ‘Ey, wake up.”
Of course. Who else could it be?
Yoshiki rubbed his eyes, looking up at ‘Hikaru’ tiredly. He was met with a youthful gaze, eyes that looked so innocent yet carried so much blood.
“…what? We don’t have school today.” He yawned, ignoring the fact he fell unconscious in ‘Hikaru’s’ house. Sleep would be a desired word, but who could call it such a slumber when the only thing he ‘dreamt’ about was the long-gone Hikaru?
“Exactly! So we gotta make the most of it, yaknow? Stop wastin’ yer time being dazed when we could be doin’ stuff.” ‘Hikaru’ flashed another one of his iconic grins, moving to sit down beside Yoshiki, facing him.
How could Yoshiki ever refuse a face that resembled the only person he felt for? How could he be hostile to someone who carried the same traits as the same person he’d call ‘love’.
“Like what..?” Yoshiki took a second to reply, subconsciously staring at ‘Hikaru’. He couldn’t help it.
“We could play a game ‘r two…go outside? It’s pretty hot today too, heh…I’m bored doin’ nothing!” ‘Hikaru’ whined, tapping Yoshiki’s shoulder several times.
Yoshiki hated how warm his touch was. Far different from the Hikaru he saw that day.
That same Hikaru will never be as warm again. Forever, he’ll be trapped in his own non-existent coffin, his last words a lost myth.
“I don’t feel like it. Sorry.” Yoshiki murmured, pulling his gaze away from ‘Hikaru’ forcibly. Yoshiki wished he didn’t feel so strongly for this ‘Hikaru’ either. Maybe things would’ve been easier that way. It should’ve.
“…” ‘Hikaru’s’ smile shifted into a small frown. He squinted one eye, leaning into Yoshiki’s personal space. Yoshiki didn’t mind, although he wished he did.
“Why? Yer more gloomy than usual.” ‘Hikaru’ noted, his tone dropping torturously soft. Yoshiki wished— he ALWAYS wished— that a voice as soothing never existed in ‘Hikaru’s’ voice, and that wish never reached a prayer. A wish and hope are two very different things, and guilty enough, Yoshiki never hoped that it didn’t.
“It’s no big deal, really. I’m jus’ not feelin’ it today. Don’t wanna do much.” Yoshiki murmured, trying to hold back the choke that threatened to escape his lips. He didn’t dare to look at ‘Hikaru’, the sight alone was more than enough to make him tear up.
Unfortunately, as perceptive as ‘Hikaru’ was, he was able to detect Yoshiki’s despair miles away. And ‘Hikaru’ wasn’t one to ignore it.
“..okay. Then I’ll stay here with ya.” ‘Hikaru’ whispered, his sight not once leaving Yoshiki.
Yoshiki blinked, looking over at Hikaru. He tried forming a sentence, but only a word left his mouth.
“What?” He exhaled.
“What?” ‘Hikaru’ replied back, shifting closer so now he was right beside Yoshiki.
Yoshiki’s eyes squinted, unable to speak for a moment before finally letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I thought…ya hated silence. Didn’t ya just say you were bored doing nothin’?”
To his demise, Yoshiki was met with a warm smile.
“Yeah, but sacrifices must be made. I don’t mind silence…if it’s shared with you.” ‘Hikaru’ said such strong words with so much sincerity it was enough to make anyone flustered. And lamentably, Yoshiki couldn’t stop the pink rising up his cheeks. Hikaru immediately caught on and his warm smile formed a wide grin. Yoshiki wanted to wipe it off his face.
“Don’t say that so easily, ya fool.” Yoshiki grumbled, immediately looking away, which erupted another laugh from ‘Hikaru’.
Yoshiki wanted to suffocate himself with the sound of ‘Hikaru’s’ happiness.
“Hehe….well, I told ya, didn’t I? I wouldn’t mind being just with you.”
Yoshiki gulped, his blush not calming down once. He rested his head over his arms right down on the table, ‘Hikaru’ copying his movements. Now, they were both face-to-face, heads laying in their arms.
“..yeah. Ya did.” Yoshiki mumbled, a small smile creeping onto his face. He cursed himself for it, but ‘Hikaru’ only found joy at the sight.
Hikaru’s gone, and nothing can change that. Nothing can ever be done to bring him back, and Yoshiki knows that. He knows that, so he decides to let go of the remnant who reminds him of Hikaru. ‘Hikaru’ is ‘Hikaru’. He’ll never be able to fill the hole that Hikaru left, but only fill it with more holes. Even so…Yoshiki wants him to stay by his side, no matter how selfish it seems. Not as Hikaru, but ‘Hikaru’. Even if everytime he looks at his smile, it reminds him of the boy who died a lonesome death in a lonesome mountain. Yoshiki thinks he’ll never be able to get over that foreboding image. He’ll have to settle for now, the fact that ‘Hikaru’ makes his heart flutter, and the fact that ‘Hikaru’ makes his throat choke.
What can I say? Love is the most twisted curse of all.