I LIKE YOU

Lando's face appears behind my closed eyelids as my hand runs rapidly up and down my erection, eyes closed, neck tilted back and mouth slightly open, hoping these deep breaths don't turn into moans. I should be able to control that at least. I mean, I'm generally pretty good with myself, except for one specific area of my body that sometimes, like now, just won't cooperate.
The fantasy comes to life as I imagine Lando masturbating me with his large hand, grasping my entire erection, his mouth on mine, our tongues intertwining and then him sitting astride me, rubbing himself against me.
A truly wild and vivid fantasy, so much so that it makes me stick out my tongue, imagining him actually being here, kissing me and playing with me; when I do, the shivers spread quickly under my skin, reaching such a depth that it completely disconnects me, making me explode with pleasure that shoots out I don't even know where. For a moment, I don't even care. I slump completely back on the cot I'd thrown myself onto, my head bent against the wall, my arms outstretched, my breathing still labored and my eyes closed, still clinging to the erotic fantasy I'd just had.
I ran away as soon as I finished recording the video for McLaren with the excuse I had to run to the bathroom and I don't know what color my face was at that moment or what they might have been thinking, but right now all I care about is finally having found relief from this cumbersome thing between my legs, while that asshole was glued to me staring at me mischievously with some dirty thought that had occurred to him at the most inopportune moment.
I felt like I was going crazy, but luckily we finished so I could leave. I just wanted to hide away and wait for my toy to subside, but since Lando's beautiful face kept winking at me, I decided to cut to the chase and pulling down my pants and boxers, I started to get busy.
These aren't things you decide, they're simply things you understand.
In my case the problem wasn't realizing I was gay, because it's something I've known for certain and with a good dose of serenity since I hit puberty and started having erections caused by sexual desires towards boys.
No, the problem is in the who. To whom am I now directing not only my sexual desires, but also, I presume, my own feelings.
While I'm only now starting to realize that maybe there's more than attraction, the real problem is that I can't ignore or suppress the arousal that comes every time I get too close to him or he looks at me like he did before, which is pretty much the majority of the time in his case, since he's always having some stupid, sexual thought.
I don't know why, but that guy's always got sex on his mind, damn it, and he lets me know it all the time. Not just to me, but to everyone around him, except that since I'm his teammate I end up knowing more than I can handle.
Sometimes I can suppress or ignore, and it all calms down after a while, maybe distracting me, but other times it just doesn't want to know how to calm down and I have to take action if I want to avoid terrible consequences—and by terrible consequences, I mean being noticed.
With a deeper sigh, I realize I'm back on track and can regain control of myself. So I lean on my hands to straighten up and I haven't even seen where I splashed, nor have I covered myself, when a door opens and his voice reaches me, ringing. His voice straight from my erotic fantasies.
- Oscar, are you okay? You ran away looking like you were pooping your pants, but then you weren't in the bathroom!
He talks too much as usual while I'm with my pants down and my dick out, damn it.
I straighten up flushing and just have time to grab my pants before the unmistakable proof of my crime tragically presents itself to me and Lando, who stops himself from babbling any more pointless things.
That's where the splash ended up! On my black sweatpants. Black, damn it. Where it's even more noticeable.
In an instant, I freeze as if I'm going haywire because I certainly can't cover myself with my cum-stained pants, but I can't even stand there with the graces in the air so, in the dilemma of what's best to do, I do nothing. I stand there, staring at the white stain horrified and disgusted, despite it being something my body has just produced in the grip of ecstasy, knowing that Lando is staying legendarily silent precisely because he's staring at the same thing and now I'm in deep shit.
- Did you run to jerk off? - but he says it laughing and throwing himself on his knees. He's laughing in that damned shrill, funny way of his that normally makes me laugh reflexively, but now it's traumatizing to say the least.
Of course he couldn't keep quiet, right?
And it was also obvious he couldn't not state the obvious either!
With fire in my face I stare at him with an expression that I think is terrified, although from the inside I don't know what he looks like. I tend not to say much, but how the fuck do I know what's happening to me right now?
I'm stuck. STUCK! STUCK! And I'm stuck to the point that the idiot who's literally rolling on the floor laughing, the cause of my sins, raises his face to see what I'm doing and, realizing that I am, in fact, stuck, laughs even harder until he cries.
He cries.
I'm stuck with my dick in the air and he cries with laughter.
I want to bury myself. Why doesn't a meteor come and smash into me and wipe me off the Earth?
Oh my God, what the fuck did I just do?
And how do I get out of this? He'll definitely ask me why I couldn't avoid it, who was I thinking, he'll go into more detail!
After all, we were recording a video together for McLaren's social media, so what the fuck was I thinking of running away in a hurry and masturbating?
God, delete me, please!
But I stay here, and in the end Lando crawls over to my spare clothes and, finding a pair of clean boxers and pants, throws them to me in what I assume is a gesture of help.
He'll definitely ask me for an explanation. Who wouldn't? It's not normal to run away to masturbate! I've never done it, but I couldn't resist because this time it was all rubbing and he kept looking at me in that ironic way that drives me crazy, and then he said dirty things with double meanings, and I was exasperated.
Lately, I've been even worse than usual, maybe because I'm realizing it's not just simple physical attraction, but what the fuck do I know?
- You have to change, Oscar! You can't go around like this!
He tells me this while still sobbing with laughter—or rather, crying—and while he dries his eyes with his palms and takes deep breaths, I manage to regain my composure enough to change, although I'm so messed up that I have to put my boxers on backwards, which makes him laugh again.
I don't think I'll get out of this crazy situation alive.
What have I done wrong?
What do I tell him now?
Why did I have to do this? Who was I thinking of? There must have been something going on; normally, every time we get an erection we don't masturbate, it doesn't work that way. Most of the time we ignore it and wait for it to pass, it's not normal to masturbate.
But after I manage to get dressed and he finishes laughing, while I don't think I'll ever look him in the face again, he starts talking again.
- Come on, shall we go eat?
Wait a minute, what?
He doesn't ask me who I was thinking of, what I was doing, why?
Does it really seem normal to him to run away to masturbate?
What do I do? If I refuse because I'm too embarrassed, he'll realize it's him, although, since it's Lando, it's not a given. In any case, I wouldn't risk arousing his suspicions.
- Okay. - I reply, even with a smile and a posture that to call rigid is an understatement.
My good fortune is that I'm so shy and reserved that I wouldn't let myself go even under torture and my way of masking whatever I feel is to be as simple as possible.
A half smile, a nod, a calm tone. In short, nothing special.
I always seem at ease, always fine, always okay, even if in reality I might be dying inside, especially if Lando slaps me on the ass when I walk past him to exit through the same door he came in, which isn't the main one but the one leading to the ensuite bathroom that connects our two private rooms in the motorhome.
I don't flinch, I don't jump, I don't squeal or even give him any murderous looks. He even laughs at me and does various things, but I never do anything. Everything is always fine. He just slapped my ass after catching me with my dick in the air and clear evidence of masturbation, but I'm completely in control, calm and I don't flinch.
I head to the bathroom sink to wash my hands and he joins me doing the same, given his intention to eat.
- You’re incredible, buddy! - he then says, elbow to elbow, while I find myself dealing with my heart in my throat for the umpteenth time due to his extreme and exaggerated closeness. He's also completely calm, though he might be disgusted by the reason I wash me.
- Why? - I ask calmly, scrubbing thoroughly with soap, happy to be able not to express my feelings. Sometimes it might seem like a handicap, but for me it's quite a strength, depending on the moment.
- Because anyone in your place would have died of embarrassment, but you're totally at peace! You're truly amazing! It doesn't bother you a fuck, huh?
He had to use that term, huh?
I look up at him through the mirror in front of us. Because if I looked at him from my side, we'd be too close and I don't know if I'd be able to hold myself steady. I can even smell his perfume, which is still there even though he put it on this morning.
Without making any special expression, I reply: - Do I look calm?
Lando laughs and gestures at me with a nod, still in the mirror.
- Don’t you see? 
I try to observe myself and tear my eyes away from his wonderful face, which literally drives me crazy practically every time I see it. And I see it quite often.
Yes, actually, my gift is being fundamentally expressionless. At most I think I can smile gently or politely. You know, those smiles that have to be given because you know you have to smile in that moment, or maybe when you don't know what to say or do and so you just smile.
But maybe they're not real smiles, right?
Not like his. Lando and his umpteenth laugh make me feel inferior again without meaning to, but it's not a problem because I feel so good around him that I feel complete.
He has what I lack and it's almost as if being close to him makes me absorb it too. I feel less incomplete, less flawed.
I know I can't be expansive; it's not in my DNA, but he is for me, too, and I don't miss being that way.
- The incredible one is you, for me. - I say spontaneously and calmly, drying my hands with disposable towels.
- And why? - Lando asks leaning forward to take some and do the same. We look at each other again, but this time without the mirror. He's questioning and wants to understand what I mean. We remain in this small space that would barely fit one person, certainly not two. It's a bathroom with the bare essentials: a sink, a toilet and a shower. Nothing else is needed. But we share it. It adjoins our two rooms in the McLaren motorhome, it's practically the connecting link between them and I've often found myself inside with him using it. Conversely, sometimes while I'm showering, he comes in and does his business as if I weren't even there.
Epic moments, especially when I see him through the wet and fogged glass.
We've seen each other half-naked from time to time, but fortunately it's not a daily occurrence and I miss the main parts of him.
Now he doesn't miss anything of me anymore.
Remembering this I desperately try to regain my composure, which was faltering and I reply calmly: - Well, you just saw something embarrassing and strange, you didn't even ask me a question about it.
- And what was I supposed to ask you? Was it nice?
His outburst is one of his classics, done without thinking. You can imagine if he can.
But at this I blush. It was incredibly beautiful, especially because you then materialized straight from my erotic fantasy where you were the protagonist.
Lando's eyes widen as I blush, perhaps in one of those rare moments when I vaguely let myself go, and instead of leaving this tiny space that takes my breath away, he points his finger at my face, mercilessly emphasizing: - You’re blushing! You're embarrassed! So you're human! Wow, I was worried you weren't, I wanted to ask you how the hell you manage to hold your nerve like this, teach me! Well, I have to ask you that anyway...
- Get out of here, will you? I'm suffocating!
Lando laughs and opens the door leading outside and I follow close behind.
I'd like to know how I got into this mess.
Lando comes out and waits for me. Once outside he stares at me with his hands on his hips and a shocked expression. He scrutinizes me closely to see if and how embarrassed I am, so the blush, instead of disappearing, deepens. I can't control that because it's not that I don't feel anything, I'm just good at hiding it, but I can't do anything about the color my skin is still getting.
- Wait, what was your question? Oh yes! Because I didn't say anything! And what was I supposed to say? After all, these are normal things, it happens, right? You certainly can't control your desires. Sex is always on my mind too and it shows; I express it without filters! - Lando talks and laughs and I can't stop smiling, just like every time he speaks. Is it a forced smile? How am I looking at him now? Because I think I'm good at controlling myself, but maybe sometimes not so much.
With him, am I?
If I look at him thinking that he's incredibly handsome and that his laugh is wonderful, can you tell by my face?
- Now you answer. How do you manage your nerves so well?  You were embarrassed, I think you still are, but you don't show it at all! I've noticed other times that you manage to handle any situation calmly and serenely, while I go crazy! How the fuck do you do that?
What kind of question is that?
My eyes widen, surprised that he seriously wants to ask me something like that, and I adjust my hair partially parted in my classic cut, perhaps one of the few revealing features I know I have. Lando obviously doesn't notice.
I shrug.
- I don't know, Lando. Everyone's made in their own way. There's no way to be different from who we are. You don't have to try to change, you just have to accept yourself.
How profound.
At this Lando sighs and gives a tender, discontented pout, looking down from mine. Then he shakes his head and, in a distinctly depressed tone of voice, speaks.
- I don't know... if I have a flaw that keeps me from achieving important things, I should try to eliminate it, don't you think? Don't you have flaws that keep you from achieving something you desperately want?
- My shyness? The fact that I'm incredibly introverted? That I'm not expansive and never let myself go?
But how did we end up talking about this? And above all, why are we both so sincere, as if we were talking to a precious confidant?
Lando shrugs and purses his lips in dissent.
- But those aren't exactly flaws, it's just a way of being, and what's stopping you from doing? On the contrary, it helps you achieve great goals in F1! They're not things to be eliminated!
I certainly can't tell him that it's actually preventing me from reaching him, coming out to him and trying. I would never, ever expose myself, not even under torture. I have no idea if he'd like me in that way and I don't intend to risk it. Maybe he would, but I'll never know because I'll never risk it, I’ll never throw myself.
- Well, it's preventing me from reaching the people I secretly like.
Lando understands the implication, that there's someone I secretly like and I think it's the end for me.
The end of my existence.
Couldn't I just keep quiet? Why did I answer him? Why do I end up talking so much more when I'm with him than I do in my entire day, and maybe even in my entire life? Why does he bring up all this spontaneous and, above all, sincere chatter?
- What? Do you like someone? Who? - I ignore him and walk straight ahead, starting to walk toward our cafeteria, going down the steps and he follows me right behind, without even closing his beautiful mouth that I'd dreamed of kissing before.
- Come on, Oscar, you can tell me, we're friends, right? Maybe I'll help you!
Lando keeps asking for information about this incessantly and I continue to ignore him, deciding what to eat after retrieving my tray.
- Well, if you don't want to tell me, it means I know him and you're afraid I'll tell him, which is realistic, but if I try, I can keep my mouth shut!
After a while, I manage to choose something and ask the lady behind the counter, he absentmindedly asks for the same thing I did, only to regret it once we're at the table where we sit together because it's too healthy for him.
After a grimace that's all too eloquent he shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders and turns back to me without letting go.
- Anyway, I can do it! Okay, don't tell me, I'll figure it out myself! Wait, let me think about it, but if I get it right, you have to tell me, okay?
He has to ask me, otherwise he wouldn't understand, given my talent for not revealing anything.
I sigh and roll my eyes, starting to eat while he gorges himself and reels off random names that I don't know how they come to mind.
At my raised eyebrow he becomes more serious, quiets down and actually seems to think about it more.
Do you mean he gets there? Well, he'd never ask me 'I'm the one you like,' I hope.
I hope.
More than anything, I don't think he understood.
Finally, after we've eaten almost halfway and with a bite in our mouths, Lando blurts out: -Okay, is Charles? - and that's where I choke.
I start coughing and seeing a tunnel around me, but instead of helping me survive, he claps his hands and exclaims victoriously that he's understood.
But understood what, you idiot? You don't understand a damn thing!
I'm really about to die, when fortunately someone else realizes I need a pat on the back and gives it to me at his place. Lando continues to eat victoriously watching me carefully, I think my face is a thousand colors and it stays that way even after the bite goes down and my throat stops torturing me. I drink a large amount of water while Lando stares at me, continuing to eat happily like an idiot child.
- It's not Charles!
- But someone is!
- It's obvious, I said it before.
- How can it not be Charles? You're suffocating yourself! He's a handsome guy, perhaps the most handsome on the circuit, and you admire him a lot, you defend him every chance you get, and...
But I, without batting an eyelid, just shake my head calmly, my usual imperturbable mask on.
- But it's not him.
- And why were you suffocating?
- Because I don't know how that occurred to you! You've thought about it a lot! Charles is a handsome guy and I like him, but not in that way.

Lando still isn't convinced, he stares at me sullenly and searchingly and I just want to lean over and kiss him and say, ‘Are you, idiot!’, but I'm careful not to do so. I'll sit here quietly, finish lunch and go get two coffees while he's still there, shaking his head like a madman.
- Are you not convinced? - I ask leaving a cup in front of him.
He takes it and shakes his head.
- Nope. 
- Well, just don't go around spreading false rumors, or I'll run you over as soon as I get the chance.
I say this with a glacial smile and he shivers shaking his head.
- If you say no, I believe it even if I don't understand who it is. I mean... why not tell me if it's none of the people I hang out with? That's the only reason you'd have for not telling me, but if it's none of them, I'm not going around saying you like whoever. If you liked Charles, I would have told Max and the others right away, but if you don't like him...
I don't know if he listens when he talks, I don't think so.
I certainly can't tell him I can't because I like him. I wonder if he'll ever get there. I don't think so. He hasn't even vaguely considered the possibility and I don't understand why.
We've been teammates for a while now, he should have noticed that I don't have any special relationships except with him, that only with him do I let myself go and laugh a lot and that I can tell him anything, or almost anything.
I don't know if he's slow on the uptake or if he doesn't want to see it on purpose. Either way, it's better this way. If he asked me, I don't know what I should do. I suppose I'd lie or feign indifference, but the truth is sooner or later I fear it will come out somehow.
I've really liked Lando now. I've never felt like I couldn't handle such excitement and maybe when I look at him closely, you can tell I'm thinking about how beautiful he is.
I don't know how good I really am at hiding things and now my feelings are becoming too strong.
If he were to come out it would be a disaster, it would ruin our relationship and I can handle anything except that.
Lando is too open and direct. If he likes someone, everyone understands and he doesn't like me in that way, I would have understood. So there's no story in that sense. So I have to keep quiet.
Quiet forever.