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He hadn’t really stopped feeling like this ever since he woke up. He wasn’t hateful by heart, or bitter at the very least, never was, but then why couldn’t he get past this relentless feeling, this nagging grasp to his shirt that wouldn’t let go until it could rip to shreds what laid underneath.
He wanted to scream, to shout, to do anything in this moment to voice his feelings out other than to just keep on standing here like an ignorant idiot, who kept his arms so tight around himself that they grew sore from the pressure alone of his fingertips digging into his bare skin. His gaze completely fixed on his shoes below.
It wasn’t the anger he felt, not really in his eyes. Maybe it really was just grief. That kind that slowly settles in with shock at first into your mind, the kind that came from change.
Chris leaned against an outer pillar of their arched stone doorway of their front porch, gaze momentarily drifting from said spot to the packed car in their driveway every second or so, he felt too uneasy about all of this, to really say anything at this point.
Soft sounds of steps against the stone pathway reached him. Not loud or rushed in any way, just there, approaching him. The old ivy that curled around the brick arches practically leaned in protectively around the two of them.
Chris didn't look, not right away. Leaving his brother to break the ice, “You sure you’re gonna be alright?” he asked, his voice hushed.
His brother’s reply came back as a slight mumbled sound, not enough to be audible but enough to serve as a somewhat answer to brush past the question before adding in, “You’re heading off…”
His older brother, way more composed, stood right before him with a duffel bag hanging firmly over one shoulder, gleamed back, “Yeah,”
Chris couldn’t put blame on him, this was what he had wanted anyways, to attend college and study Zoology, his lifelong dream. But, just by the way he looked so effortlessly composed, so content in leaving before his own eyes, it just didn’t sit right. He honestly didn’t wanna pry around on that, simply to save himself the tears.
Either one had been trying the past days to find the right words to address all of this, though they never seemed quite enough. How could you tell someone who’s always been there every day by your side, that you won’t be around anymore? And how could one just accept that sudden change with open arms.
It hadn’t hit Martin right off the bat either, it took a couple of days to finally have the realisation kick in, but once it did it left him with this hollow feeling. This had really been the last time that he would have lived at home, years of being under the same roof with his brother every day since they could remember were over, just like that. Naturally, he wasn’t one to go around and address the big issues, so he coped in the only way he knew how to, jokingly replying, “Will be nice to finally get to share a room with someone who's not you.”
“Shut up,” a smirk etched across his brother’s face, momentarily pulled away from his straining thoughts, shooting back just as fast, “Least I’ll have the whole house to myself..”
His brother broke out into faint giggles under his breath, seeing as he finally managed to get through to him amidst this turmoil. Biting back as his left hand grasped hold of the strap around his shoulder, “Don’t count yourself lucky so soon, you still got Mom and Dad”
Chris rolled his eyes, arms continuously fixed around himself.
It felt good to be able to joke around.
With him going to college, he supposed that they wouldn’t be able to make any new ones for the time being, no one to laugh with at the dumbest things, no one to come to for advice. He should have been better prepared for this, as the lump began to feel unbearably harder to swallow by the second just as the reality of what would come after seeped into him.
No more late night talks, no vacations together, car rides, family dinners, heck he wasn’t even sure if he could cope with all that, to just continue on and pretend as if his first ever friend wasn’t just about to leave for a couple of years and have him missing out on every other single significant event in his younger brother’s life.
He had only another few years of high school ahead of him, having to wake up from now on in the same room with an empty bed greeting him from the other side, with no one coming to annoy him in the first hours of the morning. Sure he had been such a pain at times, especially when it came down to stealing most of his belongings and keeping them as his own, though he did manage to get back at him by stealing his clothes and purposely getting them all dirty. Between those incidents, the only thing that got them to make up was by their Mom pulling at their ears for as long as needed.
Those had been the worst times, and yet, he was willing to trade in anything for those pointless arguments. Clinging on to those memories, almost feeling the terrible pull at his ear lobe as he did, remarking, “Won’t be the same without you,”
His voice growing softer amidst his earlier carefree nature, Martin remarked, “For me either, believe me.”
“How often are you gonna come back and visit?” Chris’ earlier tension resolving by a bit.
“Maybe once every other month. It varies, North Carolina is a long way from home.” It wouldn't be anything like visiting family out of state, his way was almost double the length of their usual family visits.
“Right,” he sighed, gaze dropping once more as he continued to hold on to himself, “Do you .. “ his voice faltered, flicking his eyes all over, anywhere but Martin before finally meeting his eyes again, “I mean, is this really what you want?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” he questioned back.
“You know, just – I won’t have you around any more.”
Martin’s expression softened, “It’s gonna take a long while, sure” Five years at the least, so he was told, “But that doesn’t mean that anything will change between us, we’ll still be friends and all.”
Chris wanted to believe that, he really did but.. How could he?
Martin was way ahead of him, starting his own life. His own path. Who knew that growing up would have to come so soon.
And if it hadn’t been for that lump caught in his throat, prohibiting him from voicing any last thought out that would end up turning by the next second into tears, he wanted to admit that he was scared.
To admit of this growing fear that one day when they were older, would it by then still feel like they were brothers, friends even for that matter? Or would they end up just not knowing one another anymore.
It pained him.
He didn’t laugh or even try to force a small grin, instead he just felt more distant in this moment, even with his brother doing his best to reassure him, together it still felt lonely.
Quiet thumps of footsteps sounded in front of him, they were ascending the stairs and before he knew it, hands came to rest on his shoulders, “Hey,” Martin whispered, coaxing him to lift his gaze up from the ground, to no avail, Martin proceeded, “I’m only gonna be a phone call away. If you ever need to talk to me, just call me, write me a letter, anything, alright?”
Chris’ bit his lips, nodding stiffly even as he kept his head low. He would be fine, he had to be, he wasn’t just some child dependent on his big older brother for every little thing. Martin eventually patted his right shoulder, lifting his hands off.
“Martin!”
Both their heads turned toward the raised voice. Their dad, having finished loading the last boxes into the trunk and by now not bearing to wait any longer so that they wouldn’t get stuck in traffic along their long way. Martin turned away from the doorway, nearing the car just as Chris called out over his cracked voice, “Be careful.”
His brother, as if he hadn’t anticipated that last reply, glanced over his shoulder, his smile widening, “I will.”
Leaving behind the shaking mess of a brother on the porch, left behind with this burning hot fury within him, it took everything to not scream, to run down those steps and hug his brother tight for just one final moment before their contact had to move over to phone calls and letters.
But the other side in him didn’t allow it, standing frozen in place, watching as Martin opened one side of the car’s door, throwing his duffel bag in carelessly before then moving around the vehicle and opening the passenger door.
In the single moment of their eyes locking, a compilation of memories played over, looking back to those days when they were just fighting over the TV remote, when they were laughing all their cares in the world away. Knowing that life would just be alright, with the two of them together.
And as he looked upon the lone figure on top of the porch, seeing the young man his baby brother was starting to grow into, he knew he would be just fine. It would only take two weeks and before anyone knew it, he’d be back already for the weekend, hopefully.
“I’ll call you first thing tomorrow!” he shouted, extending his hand out and waving towards him. Chris simply held out one hand, awkwardly waving back, a simple smile starting to take form as his eyes began to grow wet, clinging on to the remaining string that connected them, hoping that their love would carry both of them through these harsh couple of years. For both to know that things would just be fine, that they would think each day of one another and for Chris to keep in mind that no one else in this world would be able to love him the way Martin still did.
Eventually, as his dad urged him to close the door, the oldest took his seat, closing the door on his way in and waving even through the window as his dad started the engine up.
Upon the porch, Chris remained, mentally counting down the days it would take for him to come back home as soon as possible.
● ● ●
For the first couple of weeks things had been going good, better than he could have hoped for even. Right when he had come back that same day, they talked for hours on and on through the night about everything that had been, filling in some blanks that phone calls and texts could never quite manage to cover.
And Martin, he could barely express his joy for him through tear filled eyes, how proud he had been of his older brother, who was now just two steps closer to finishing his bachelor. And to make things even better, to celebrate the occasion he had come home for the summer term break and ever since then, things fell perfectly back into place, wherever they were, the kitchen or the porch, their shared places to just talk and hang out had grown familiar once again, places where the distance between them slowly but surely began to knit back together.
For the first time in what felt like forever, he didn’t feel like some stranger. Like he was a distant cousin who only showed up for birthdays and holidays. He was finally just Martin, his older brother. Right until that nagging sentence had to shoot right back out of his mouth.
“You’re leaving?” Chris blinked, confused.
“Yeah! We finally got the financing from our university, we’re heading out as soon as we can.”
He stood still, after their parents had gone to settle in for the night, the two had remained for a moment more in the kitchen to talk, the messy dishes and glasses stacked upon one another now in Chris’ hands.
The way Martin chatted so enthusiastically about his plans, barely keeping himself contained as he informed his brother about all the amazing things they would end up doing out there, actual field with studying animals in their actual habitat, and their destination, the vast Savanna of Africa.
Chris supposed he saw this coming one way or another, around sometime, eventually. Just not this fast. He managed to get out one simple, “That’s great,” a little too late, his voice faltering mid-thought as he finally turned toward the sink in the kitchen. Turning the faucet on to have the basin filled with hot water while his brother went on in the background, describing these people he had met in college who would be joining him to help out, whatever that meant.
“It’s the big deal,” Martin said, nearly breathless as he leaned back in his chair, gaze drifting up to the ceiling as if lost in thought already over the adventures he would soon find himself in. He added in with a grin as he turned his head eagerly towards Chris, “I’ve even been thinking about it, you know, making this a full-time thing.”
Chris glanced over his shoulder, “Like, out there in the wilderness?”
Martin’s eyes lit up instantly, “Yeah! Studying their behavior and learning everything there is, you know it’s just what we dreamed of doing as kids!” He laughed softly to himself, shaking his head in disbelief, “To think it would actually become real one day.”
He smiled, yet distant, “I’m glad for you,” and he meant it, even if something inside him ached when it came to accepting the reality of this.
Upon noticing the absentminded nature of his brother, he tilted his head lightly, popping a question, “You’re not jealous, are you?”
Chris didn’t turn to him this time, gaze fixed on the dishes, “Why would I be?”
“You know, since I beat you to it first.” a sly smirk spreading across his face, with his elbow propped on the table, he rested his cheek in his open hand.
“You’re ridiculous." taking the sponge in hand and beginning to scrub the mess off the plates, remarking, “If anything I’m surprised you even made it this far, since you always fell behind in class because you were too busy looking out of the windows”
“Nothing’s changed, basically.” Martin replied.
“Martin, you were ten then.”
“Yeah and we both grew up, we’re right on the path of doing exactly what we always wanted, remember? Making our lives revolve around animals.” He paused for a second, his brow furrowing, “Weren’t you thinking about studying biology at Carleton?”
Chris’s hands stopped completely, the plate in his hand slipping out from his grasp, landing with a soft splash into the water. “Martin..” he muttered under his breath, the annoyance already growing.
But his brother was already up on his feet, “No, come on, I wanna hear about it,” he insisted, leaving Chris to momentarily scoff as Martin manoeuvred his way past the kitchen island, proceeding, “Mom said she’s been pushing you since graduation, what’s holding you back?”
He didn’t look back at him, “She is.” picking up the plate he had just dropped, scrubbing at it absently, “She keeps telling me to apply for the summer semester before it’s too late but I– I’m not even sure that I want to go..” ever since he graduated, she had been leaving pamphlets on his desk, reminding him day in and day out that the deadline to apply was coming up as if it was like, if he didn’t go now then that would have been his last chance to do so before he would ‘fall behind’. Like he was failing at some invisible race for a future he wasn’t even sure was right.
It frustrated him, so much so that he had even gone to such lengths where he didn’t even talk to her at all once she brought the topic up between them, even with dad around. As if he could have helped, unsurprisingly much, she must have filled Martin in on it too, as he continued, grudgingly so, “Well, what else could work then?”
He paused, contemplating, “I don’t know–” before ultimately exhaling and snapping back, turning around so that they could get this topic over with, “Look, I’m already stressed out enough with Mom so I don’t need you breathing down my neck too.”
Martin raised his hands in surrender, moving aside a bit, “Alright, alright, I’m quiet.”
What followed was a quick pause, the tension simmering just beneath the surface. Martin added to that, a little softer this time, “What about a mini-job? You know, just something to get you moving, doesn’t have to be forever, you would be making a bit of money already”
"Martin."
"I Know Mr. Smith down at the library is always looking for help."
"Martin!" Chris snapped at him, and once his brother took the hint, he simply just sighed and let his shoulders drop, muttering, “Maybe.” It wasn't like he hadn't been advised to do so before, he couldn’t get mad at him though, he hadn’t been around for the past weeks.
Martin’s hand remained fixed on the edge of the counter, watching him out of the corner of his eyes, “Whatever you decide, go or don’t, I’m only gonna be a phone call away,” yeah, on a different continent, doing his own work, how could he be so sure that he’d have the needed time beside that all for his little brother.
“I don’t know if it’s the right thing..” he muttered under his breath.
Martin didn’t press on any further, “Okay,” more so, his expression softened. He ultimately sighed before pushing himself away from the counter, “I'd better go to bed then, we’re gonna leave first thing tomorrow.”
“Already?”
Martin nodded with a soft hum as a reply, walking out of the kitchen.
Soon as he was gone, Chris let the dish and sponge drop into the sink, crossing his arms instead, hugging himself loosely as a hand drifted up to rub his forehead.
Now he had even pushed his own brother away, and because of what? His indecisiveness, his fear of not wanting to admit that he didn't know what to do with his life? He stared down at the faint, soapy water pooling in the sink.
Martin wasn't even in the place to get involved with all this, he had put an actual effort into getting where he was now, worked hard. He couldn’t imagine the amount of all-nighters, the endless articles and research that went into it, paving the way for this life that he wanted.
And Chris couldn’t have been happier for him, but that had been his dream ever since they were kids. He had always been more of the bookworm rather than the guy going out in the middle of rain to find actual worms. He was content in learning, studying whatever obstacle came upon him, even enveloping Martin on the way through it all with making him his test dummy for every weird little experiment. That life used to feel so warm, so free with his entire curiosity allowed to roam wild, so why did it feel so far away now?
If he were to admit for help, it would surely leave Martin frustrated with him.
Well, unbeknownst to Chris, that his brother hadn't exactly left either. He still remained, standing in the doorway that connected the kitchen to the hallway, his hand resting on the wooden frame before he changed his posture, leaning against the wood with his shoulder as he added in, “Well, what do you say?”
His brother whipped around in a split-second, startled and blinking hard with his eyes to bite back the tears as he looked perplexed, “Say what?”
Without missing a beat, he replied, “We’re going tomorrow, you got everything packed?”
He froze altogether, his hands tightening around the sink edge, completely thrown by what he was implying with that. Martin stepped forward, that same light smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth, “You said you didn’t know if it was the right thing, didn’t you?” he simply said, “Well then you’ll just have to come with me to find out.”
His little brother remained in his position, his heart beating just slightly faster as it all just came crashing down on him. And before he could think twice or even form a reply, his brother had pulled him into a hug, grounding the two of them, as Martin murmured, “I’m not about to leave you alone again. You have all the time in the world to figure yourself out first, and I’m gonna be here for you.”
The truth was that Martin himself couldn’t have been prouder in seeing how fast his brother had grown up, a slight ache remaining in his heart however as he regretted not being able to be there much in his teenage life. Or even, at his own graduation.
Their eventual separation had taken everything in him just as much as it did from Chris, though he wasn’t gonna let that happen twice. He wasn’t about to just give up on him like that, helping him out now was the least he could do for his little brother, if there was anything else they had in common now more than ever, it was that same fear of growing up without one another at their side. Not knowing how the years would shape them, in what ways they would change, which paths would end up leading them astray.
There was a second, a moment more where neither of them said anything. The two just allowed themselves to give in, standing still in their embrace as Chris accepted it without any further argument. His hands finding their way to grasp hold of Martin’s shirt, burying his head deeper into his chest.
In the background, the summer night hummed softly outside and while a chilly breeze raged on, within, the warmth they shared kept them content.