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All I could think about was how I wasn’t supposed to be there. I wasn’t supposed to attend the Fall Fair competition due to how recently I had joined the choir. Ocean had borderline-insisted that I stay behind. But…I had never been to the fair before; I had never been allowed. When I looked at pictures of the fair from previous years, the lights dazzled me and the rides enticed me. I wanted to see it all – experience it all – even for just a day.
I begged to be included, and Father Marcus had advocated for my presence. He had been the one to convince me to join the choir, after all. My choirmates were either displeased or indifferent. I could care less, but I chose not to. The novelty and thrills beckoned me. I sang. I danced. We got 2nd place. Ocean was livid and lectured all of us on our performances, but I barely heard a word. I was looking past her at all the carnival rides, hearing the screams and laughter of joy.
Before we got on the Cyclone, I think that was the best day of my life. I could still recognize that, even as I watched the rest of my body fly off with the cart and the others while my head flew high up into the air, beyond the tracks. I looked away, toward the sun that was rising with me while it was supposed to be setting. I wept, realizing that I would never see the sun again.
Lord, forgive me.
Jane sat with Dolly in one of the nooks created by the stacks of crates within the endless confines of the warehouse. Carefully, she practiced one of the songs that Constance was teaching her on the cheap, plastic ukulele they had found some time ago. It wasJane’s favorite song, for it was both somber and upbeat at the same time. Constance had once described it as being akin to the tide, drawing in and receding in waves.
Jane paused her practice session when she heard the sounds of Ricky’s crutches approaching. She turned to face him, and he smiled at her. She put the ukulele down to sign that she was smiling back on the inside, unable to express such a thing with her porcelain face. He approached and eased down to the floor next to her. Then, he presented a folded-up piece of paper; she took it and just stared.
“I made another drawing of Zolar,” he signed before gesturing for her to unfold it.
She did so, taking her time to analyze every detail. She loved Ricky’s drawings – she had a collection of them plastered around the warehouse, as if all the crates were fridges to be decorated. Ocean would occasionally suggest taking some of them down, but she would never explain to Jane why she found them inappropriate. So, Jane never did. She liked them, and she wanted them to stay up.
This drawing, though, she didn’t like. Actually, she hated it, though she didn’t know why. There was something different about this one, compared to the others. There was something new, something she hadn’t seen before. She looked over it again, trying to pinpoint what was making her heart and stomach twist uncomfortably. Jane put the paper down flat on the floor.
“What is that?” Jane signed before pointing to a circle made of shades of yellow and orange in the background of the drawing.
“The sun. Do you like it?”
The sun.
The warehouse became colder, the air stiller, the lights darker. Jane puffed air out of her mouth in quick, small bursts.
“Jane?”
“Excuse me,” she signed back before grabbing Dolly and standing up.
Quickly, she teetered off. That sun followed her, though, lingering in the back of her mind. She couldn’t outrun it, no matter how many turns she took, no matter how far into the warehouse she escaped to. It seared itself into her brain, setting it ablaze. There was always a buzzing sound in the warehouse due to the fluorescent lights that extended from the abyss that was the ceiling. Jane was always aware of the buzzing, always slightly agitated by it. Now, though, it felt like daggers to her ears. She found a small alcove to tuck herself away into, and she crashed to the floor to be able to sit and cover her ears.
The sun.
Jane couldn’t understand why she was reacting like this, why she couldn’t react like she normally could. It was still a nice drawing, even though she hated it. She didn’t want Ricky to feel bad; it was the last thing she wanted, actually. But something was just wrong . She tried pulling her knees up to her chest to wrap her arms around and hug as tightly as possible, but one of her legs wouldn’t stop bouncing, making her whole body shake. She let go and returned to covering her ears, leaning over until she flopped onto her side so her eyes would close. In the darkness, though, the image burned brighter.
The sun.
The sun!
THE SUN!
Jane shot up again, clambering to her feet. Where was it? She jerked her head around, spinning in circles. She needed it. She ran back out of the alcove, slamming into Mischa.
“Woah, Doll Girl! Why do you rush?”
“The sun!”
“The sun?”
“The sun, please!” she begged, reaching up and gripping his shoulders as she stared into his confused and alarmed eyes.
Not even his warmth could reach her, her hands remaining icy cold.
“What are you talking about?”
“Is everyone okay? I heard shouting.”
Mischa and Jane turned their heads to see Noel jog around the corner with a concerned expression on his face.
“Jane is upset.”
“Why?”
They do not get it. Why are they not going mad, too? Jane looked back and forth between the two boys, silently pleading for their help. Noel closed the distance, and Mischa whispered something in his ear. The former boy then looked at Jane.
“There is no sun in here. There aren’t even any windows,” he calmly tried to explain.
“Ricky drew it. It must be somewhere. Please, help me find it!”
“Go find Ocean and Constance. I’ll stay with her,” Noel instructed.
Mischa gave a quick forehead-salute before dashing off in the direction he had come from. Noel tried to give Jane a reassuring pat on the back, but she side-stepped away. She looked all around again, her breathing growing heavier. She couldn’t wait for the others, especially if they wouldn’t help her. She turned and ran off, regretfully leaving Dolly behind. It would understand; Jane would find the sun, and then everyone would understand what she was getting worked up over. But…even she still didn’t really get it.
Turn after turn after turn yielded nothing. Why was it hiding from her? Ignoring her? Was it punishing her? Had she done something wrong? She raked her nails across her forearms, unable to care if Noel’s paintjob chipped. Everything was itching, and the cold began burning her skin. Every which way she looked, the sun eluded her. She was possessed in her movements, moving without conscious direction.
Eventually she had to stop and bend over, bracing her hands on her knees as she struggled to get her lungs to inflate. Why was this happening? Why, Lord?
“Jane?”
“Jane, where are you?”
Constance and Ocean were calling out for her, but their voices fell on deaf ears. Something was terribly wrong, and no one else was getting it. Where is the sun? Has God forgotten to hang it in the sky? Has he taken it away? How could there be day or night or anything at all without the sun? Without the sun, there was only madness.
“Jane, there you are! Are you-...”
Jane snapped her head up, black tears streaming down her face. Ocean looked at her with great concern, though Ocean almost always looked at least slightly concerned at any given moment. Jane straightened up, frantically gesturing around her without being able to get a word out. Her throat had closed up, silencing and suffocating her.
“Ricky and Noel both said you ran off. What’s got you so worked up?”
Ocean held her arms out, and Jane practically crashed into her for an embrace. Jane shakily heaved before letting out a sob, terrifying Ocean. Jane would occasionally get set off every now and again, but this was new , and this was bad . She reached up, petting the taller girl’s hair in an attempt to soothe her. Jane tried to use the pressure of Ocean’s hold to ground herself, retether her feet to the warehouse floor to prove she hadn’t floated off into the abyss.
“Let me see the dawning!” she finally choked out, whimpering.
“...What?”
“The sun! Last time I saw the sun, I was alive, far more free than within this prison! Lord, forgive me!”
Jane’s knees buckled, and they both sank to the floor without Ocean daring to let go. If anything, she just held on tighter as Jane cried into her shoulder.
“Shhh…Shhh…It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I-...I miss the sun, too. It still shines, just…not for us, anymore. Shhh…”
Not for us? Not for us? Why remind her, then? Why bring up what she can never have? Why could she even remember the sun? Nothing else existed to remind her that she had ever been alive. Had she only ever existed outside of the warehouse for the sun? Somehow, she could remember its light, its warmth so clearly. She aggressively shuddered, reduced to sniffling.
“I am sorry. I am so sorry,” Jane repeated over and over, though Ocean had no clue who she was apologizing to.
Constance found them, quickly dropping to her knees to embrace Jane, as well. Ocean whispered an explanation as best as she could, but neither of them really understood, still. But they held her, anyway, and waited until she became still and quiet before giving her space. Ocean reached up, wiping away the few remaining tears peppering Jane’s face.
How could they ease her terror? How could they give her what she wanted? They all had become deprived of the sun, and none of them had an answer as to if they would ever see it again. When would it be, if ever? When’s the right time? Ocean and Constance looked past Jane at each other. Maybe…maybe they were grieving the sun, too.