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“This’ll be the greatest scam ever! I’ll be rich! Loaded I tell you!”
“Like a breakfast buffet, Eddy!”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Double-D called from his position on the driveway, tightening the last bolt on the last wheel of their newest venture, “But this may actually be the closest you’ve ever come to a legitimate business venture, Eddy!” He stepped back to admire his work, cleaning his hands off on a piece of cloth as he gave everything a final once-over.
Scavenged shopping cart wheels? Check.
Repurposed hair-dryer engine with overheat limiter removal and toaster coil adapter? Check.
Cardboard box? Check.
Drivers?
Double-D looked at his compatriots. Ed had already managed to get his head stuck in the steering wheel, and Eddy was clearly fiddling with something in the engine compartment. He sighed. Check.
Eddy chuckled to himself as he hastily installed the metal lunch tray to the inside of his demolition derby cart. A little extra muscle can go a long way after all.
“Ahem.”
He quickly whipped away from the vehicle, hands tucked innocently behind his back as Double-D leveled him with a disapproving look, arms crossed and foot tapping.
“What?” He tried, only for Double-D to step past him and remove his hard work.
“We’ve been through this, Eddy,” Double-D said, exasperated. “The rules of the derby have already been decided. No modifications.” He shook the tray scoldingly, before moving on to pry Ed’s head out from where it had gotten hopelessly wedged behind the wheel.
“Fink.” Eddy grunted, kicking at the ground with his hands stuffed in his pockets. His eager grin soon returned, though. It was almost time to fleece the pigeons of this neighborhood for all they were worth.
It was, admittedly, one of the most solid schemes Eddy had ever concocted, to the point it almost felt wrong even calling it as such. A demolition derby with a simple ten cent buy in for the first round, with increased antes until the championship. If everyone was willing to play ball, they could be looking at close to a ten dollar pot by the end of it all, with bonuses for knock-outs to boot! There were even spec requirements for each cart, to be inspected by Double-D himself come derby day.
All this and more was laid out on the fliers the trio had spread all throughout the neighborhood, and the cul-de-sac had been abuzz ever since. The racket of construction echoed through the air as it so often did during the long summer days, but for once, the Eds had not been the only guilty party. While numbers couldn’t be confirmed, it seemed as if most everyone was keen to join in on the opportunity for gold and glory.
It had been decided that the last unoccupied lot in the neighborhood would be the staging ground for their first race, and so that’s where the Eds were currently posted, eagerly awaiting the arrival of their competition.
Soon enough, the whirring of engines and chattering of kids began to approach, and Eddy eagerly rubbed his hands together.
“Pigeons for the pie!”
“Chickens!?” Ed cried, head bursting through the roof of his cart after being pried free from the steering column moments before.
Double-D sighed. A sunroof could be a viable cart modification he supposed. He looked out at the approaching caravan. It did indeed look as if the entire neighborhood had cobbled together their own carts, though it appeared Nazz was riding in with Kevin? A clear violation of the rules–only one occupant per cart–that would need to be addressed.
One-by-one, the competitors pulled into the front yard of the abandoned lot. The Eds had ensured the yard was trimmed for the occasion, with Ed being an ever-helpful lawnmower, to prevent wheel entanglement. Eventually, everyone stepped out of their vehicles, some with money already in hand. From behind, Double-D could hear the cha-ching! as Eddy caught sight of his intended bounty.
“Ahem. Good day fellow racers!” Double-D called, quieting the murmuring of the small crowd. “I must say, it’s gratifying to see so many of you all eager to indulge in your competitive spirits! And the craftsmanship you have all shown is to be whole-heartedly commended if I do say–”
“Yeah yeah yeah!” Eddy butted in, jar in hand as he shouldered past, “If you’re in pay up! No credit, no I.O.U.s, just cold hard cash, baby!”
“Right,” Double-D sighed, turning towards the one person who did not appear to have cash in hand, “Nazz, will you be joining us in this venture?”
“Not me, dude,” Nazz said with a smile and an open hand, “That mechanic stuff is, like, totally bad for your nails, ya know? But I figured I could, like, referee or something?”
“That sounds like a wonderful idea!” Double-D grinned, “A neutral party would be most welcome, and I’m sure we can rely on you to keep any of the collected funds from going astray before the end of the competition.”
“Wait, what!?” All eyes turned towards Eddy with varying levels of disapproval, and he immediately went from indignant to sheepish, “I mean, uh, yeah, Nazz watches the stuff, sounds great!”
Everyone stared him down for another long moment before redirecting their attention elsewhere.
“Now then, if everyone would kindly step away from their vehicles, I can begin the inspections to ensure everyone has followed proper protocol and safety–”
“Hang on a sec, Double-Dweeb,” Kevin interrupted, stepping free of the crowd to stand nose-to-nose with Double-D, “Why should you get last say on anyone's rides? You’ll probably rig ‘em to explode or something.”
“I would do no such thing.” Double-D protested, “I’ll have you know I removed an unauthorized armor enhancement from Eddy’s vehicle just this morning!”
More disapproving glares.
“Thanks a lot Sockhead.” Eddy grumbled, gazing longingly at the dimes still firmly clutched in each competitor’s hand.
Kevin still looked unconvinced, arms crossed with a stern frown as he sized Double-D up. While certainly the most morally upright of his compatriots, Double-D had still aided and abetted with more hijinks and underhanded tomfoolery than most would be comfortable with. He could acknowledge that he supposed.
“If I may offer a compromise?” Double-D posited, and Kevin raised a curious brow, “A shared survey of each contestant's vehicle should help mitigate any possibility of sabotage or underhanded enhancements. And since you’ve proven yourself mechanically adept, I believe the two of us should be able to complete our inspections in a timely manner, so that we can, well, get this show on the road as they say!” He offered with a nervous grin. Hopefully the proverbial wheels didn’t fall off this contest before they could even start.
Kevin stared him down for another long moment before turning to survey the surrounding carts. Finally he shrugged.
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Fantastic!” Double-D clapped his hands together, and the other racers, also content with this decision, stepped forward to deposit their buy-in into Eddy’s eager hands, the spare change clinking against the bottom of the jar while Eddy stared on in undisguised glee.
“Now then, if that’s everyone, I believe it’s time to begin our–”
“Not so fast cutie-pie!”
The words shriveled up and died on his lips as a gasp tore through the crowd, bodies parting to reveal a very troublesome sight: The Kanker sisters, carts in tow.
“Kankers!” Eddy spat, gripping tight to his newly heavy jar.
“Kankers!” Ed hollered, immediately diving under a nearby bush.
“Kankers.” Double-D whimpered, body immediately breaking into a trembling, cold sweat.
“You boys didn’t think you could throw this shindig without us didja?” Lee continued, stepping forwards as everyone else took a large step back, Jimmy cowering behind Sarah, Jonny hugging Plank close, and Kevin and Rolf looking unimpressed and vaguely confused, respectfully.
“I–I–um, apologies Lee, but, what do you mean, exactly?” Double-D squeaked out. They couldn’t possibly mean...?
“Oh come on cutie, playing dumb doesn’t suit you,” Marie chimed in with a mischievous smile.
“Yeah! That’s my big Ed’s job!” May giggled, wiggling her fingers in the direction of a violently trembling bush with a pair of terrified eyes poking out. There was a call of chickens as Ed ducked further into the branches.
“But just in case it flew over your head, we’ll spell it out for ya,” Lee grinned down at Eddy.
“We’re here to race!”
All three girls spoke at once, each brandishing their required dimes alongside troublesomely triumphant smiles.
Eddy could only gawk for a moment, before erupting into a fury of denials.
“No way! Not a chance!” He yelled, shoving the jar behind his back as if to protect its contents.
“No Kankers allowed! No shot! Get lost!”
“Huh. Don’t remember seeing that in your little flier,” Lee grinned, revealing the flier in question from her back pocket and unrolling it for all to see.
“How did you even get that?” Eddy stopped short. “Ed!”
Ed, who had been carefully removing himself from his hiding space after the initial terror had worn off, snapped to attention.
“Polo!”
“Did you put fliers up in the trailer park!?”
“Sure did, boss!” Ed said, saluting with a wide grin. “Hung up everywhere with a post, just like you said!”
Wham!
In a flash of stars, Ed was buried half way in the dirt, birds fluttering around his head and a sizable goose egg growing from Eddy’s jar of cash. He whirled around on the Kankers once more.
“If you think–!”
Double-D had long since blocked out the current spectacle that held the other racers' focus. Rather, as soon as Marie’s attention had left him, his had drifted to the newly arrived carts.
They appeared to be within parameters at first blush; Appropriate tires, body work, engine. A more thorough inspection would be required of course, but…
“Your entry is accepted, ladies.”
You could hear a pin drop as all eyes turned towards Double-D. Even the Kankers raised surprised brows.
“What!? ” Eddy screamed, marching over to Double-D and grabbing him by the collar.
“Did you put your hat on too tight this morning, sockhead? Those are Kankers you’re talking about! No way we’re letting them in!”
“Eddy their vehicles are clearly up to specifications, and they have the required–”
“Who cares!? They’re Kankers! No deal! End of story!”
Double-D sighed as Eddy marched back towards his cart, pinching the bridge of his nose. The inclusion of the Kankers was less than ideal, to be sure, but Double-D could not deny the clear effort that had gone into the creation of these vehicles. One could argue there was even a requirement for heightened ingenuity, giving the sisters’ more tenuous financial situation.
Still rubbing at his nose, Double-D glanced up once more at the Kankers. Lee and May were predictably harassing the neighborhood kids after their denial. Though they weren’t stirring up too much trouble yet, he knew it was only a matter of time before things became messy. And Marie was…
She was staring at him.
Double-D froze for a moment, a deer caught in a wolf's sights. That’s how it always felt with her. One eye held more intensity than any two he’d ever seen, and right now it was locked firmly on him. Below it though, a small smile graced her lips as she casually rolled her dime between her knuckles. This was not a hunt, he realized, more a ponderance. A dare, even.
What will you do now?
Double-D glanced at the slowly flipping dime once more, and his plan came swift and clear.
“I must say Eddy, I’m proud of you.”
Eddy, who had been in a nose-to-nose staring contest with Lee, blinked.
“Say what now?”
“Finally putting aside your own financial gain for the safety and comfort of the many! Why, between the base level competition and the championship, you’re willingly turning down, what? Five dollars at least.”
Double-D caught Marie’s eye once more as he made his way towards Eddy. Her smile was now a barely suppressed grin. He couldn’t help but return a small, self-satisfied smirk of his own. Strange bedfellows indeed.
He slipped past Lee to put an appreciative hand on Eddy’s shoulder. “It’s an impressively selfless gesture! The sheer number of jawbreakers alone that you’re willing to let slip through your fingers is truly inspiring!”
“They grow up so fast!” Ed sobbed, noisily blowing into a tissue of unknown cleanliness and origin.
Lee smirked, raising from her stooped position of taunting Eddy with an exaggerated shrug. Clearly, she had caught on.
“Ain't that just like a man, pride before profit. Come on girls, let's go sell this scrap and grab us some of those jawbreakers,” She said, turning away from Eddy with a wave of her hand to her sisters. Of the two, only May looked put out, Marie was merely stifling her giggles.
“Pride nothin’!” Eddy’s yelp sounded off like like an airhorn, and he quickly sped in front of the three girls. “Like my bro always said, can’t pass the buck if you don’t have one!” He said, holding out his coin jar expectantly. “You’re in!”
“On one condition.” Double-D chimed in, coming up alongside his friend and placing a stalling hand over the open jar. “We request you put an embargo on any and all amorous or harassing activities directed at myself, my friends, or any other members of this competition for its duration. And, should there be any plans of attack for after the contest, any and all victims are given an appropriate head start.” He tried to sound firm, but from the looks on the girls faces, it did quite work.
“That sounds like two conditions, cutie,” Lee grinned, “But you got yourself a deal.”
They each deposited their coin in the jar, sealing the pact.
Eddy chuckled madly to himself as he scurried off with his loot, though it’s quickly cut off with a ‘Hey!’ as Kevin snatched the jar from his hands, turning it over to an appreciative Nazz, who sealed the lid.
“Nice work there, sweet-cheeks,” Lee’s voice, and the sudden hand on his shoulder, caused Double-D to jump, whipping around to face the tallest Kanker.
“Um,” He stuttered, before finding his voice, “Yes, well. I believe talent should always be recognized, even between, um, less than cordial groups.”
“Heh. Ya hear that Marie? Your boy likes your talent!”
“And I didn’t even have to tie him up to get a confession,” Marie swooned, then she and May dissolved into hearty laughter.
“Ahem. Right. Just. Remember your end of the deal, ladies,” Double-D stumbled before calling over to Kevin, who was still in conversation with Nazz. “Shall we begin our final checks, Kevin?”
“Yeah yeah keep your hat on, Double-Dork,” He grumbled, ambling over.
“Hey, what’s the deal?” Marie asked, crossing her arms. “I thought Double-D was doing the quality control here.”
“Like I’d trust that dork within ten feet of my ride,” Kevin snorted, rolling his eyes.
“Hey, remember whose man you’re talking about, bozo!” Marie warned, rolling up an already cut-off sleeve.
“What Kevin means to say,” Double-D quickly interjects, stepping between the two and holding up hopefully placating hands, “Is that we decided an inspection by committee would limit bias and improve odds of discovering well hidden modifications or safety hazards.”
Marie stared him down for a long moment, then Kevin, and said, “Fine. Whose are we looking at first?”
“Hey, no way I’m working with a Kanker!”
“You got a problem with me, shovel-chin?”
“About a million, ya wannabe grease monkey–”
“Enough!”
Double-D’s yell cut through the erupting argument, and it was as if the whole cul-de-sac fell still. Meek though he was, most everyone present had borne witness to the fury of the patient man in front of them, and it inclined all towards listening when it bubbled towards the surface.
“I shouldn’t need to remind you, Kevin, that myself, Ed, and Eddy are putting ourselves at the greatest risk by allowing this intermingling. But we have acquiesced because they have given their word to behave appropriately and maturely for the duration of this contest. If you cannot conduct yourself in the same way, you will be refunded your money and be asked to vacate the premises.”
Eddy’s incredulous yell of ‘Refund!?’ went duly ignored. As did Ed’s charmingly supportive ‘Here here, Double-D!’.
“Secondly. While I may object to the…” Here, Double-D used heavy air quotes, though it clearly pained him to do so, “‘Cliques' of our cohort, I will not deny their existence. You agreed to assist with final checks due to lack of trust in me with you and your compatriots' carts. Likewise I will be ensuring you won’t do anything untoward to mine or my fellows. Marie is as mechanically adept as either of us, and if she would prefer to assist us to monitor the integrity of her own family’s vehicles I will not deny her, and neither will you.”
Double-D’s stern glare was enough to cow even Kevin in moments like these, and he scratched his head under his cap, turning away with a mumbled ‘Man…’. Double-D then faced the rest of the crowd, “Does anyone else have any objections?”
Head shakes all around.
“Marvelous. Then I would kindly ask that everyone step away from their vehicles and line up on the fence line, and stay there while the three of us conduct our review. Thank you.”
And just like that, peace was restored, and all racers were lined up neatly against the fence. Even the remaining to Kanker sisters sauntered their way over, dramatically fanning themselves as they passed by.
“Hubba hubba, huh May?”
“I love a man with authority Lee.”
Double-D sighed at their receding chuckles. They were certainly intent on following the letter of the law, if not the spirit. He turned, intending to meet Kevin at their first vehicle.
And found himself inches away from Marie.
To his credit, he didn’t cower, jump out of his skin, or shriek in fear. Something about having a set of rules in place must have emboldened him, because all he did was gulp.
Marie grinned. Sure, she couldn’t have as much fun with her love muffin as usual, but it was nice to know she could still make him sweat.
“Who knew you could be such a knight in shining armor, sweetie?”
“Um. Yes, well–I–As I told your sister I believe talent should be acknowledged regardless of social standing in any and all–”
“Yeah yeah,” Marie waved him off with a flippant hand, “Don’t tie yourself in knots, cutie. Come on, let’s go see what these amateurs threw together.”
And so they did. It was a surprisingly smooth process; With three mechanics to each cart, it was child's play to search for any discrepancies in design or illegal modification, of which there were none, though the chicken Rolf had stowed in its own little compartment certainly toed the line, and what safety hazards they managed to find were small and easily fixable. An unturned screw here, misaligned bracket there, all taken care of within moments of discovery. Kevin admitted to helping just about everyone with their construction, gear-head that he was, and it was clear to see the pride he took in his work. It was also easy to see the discrepancy in budget.
While there was no upper limit on cost when it came to cart design, so long as it fell within specified parameters, some were certainly more well off in terms of materials. While the Eds had cobbled together scrap from the junk yard, it was clear most of the cul-de-sac kids had splurged a bit; High-end model hair dryers, four slot toasters, even the wheels, while still clearly salvage, appeared cleaned up for the occasion. Again, all within allowable parameters for the derby, but noticeable nonetheless.
Double-D was having a grand time, truth be told. Each vehicle was like one of those ‘compare the photo’ games in Father’s travel books; All looked the same, but there were small, unique differences if you looked hard enough. Jonny used very little wood in his construction, Jimmy and Sarah had crayon drawings and lucky charms placed throughout, and Kevin had what must have been aluminum foil masquerading as chrome on his wheels. An enjoyable look into the cast of characters of Double-D’s home.
Such a good time was he having, that he all but forgot about the fact that he was working side-by-side with a Kanker. More specifically, the Kanker that had chosen him as her target for her never-ending affection.
Occasionally, she would point out a piece of shoddy craftsmanship, loudly complaining, “Yeesh, who built this thing? A caveman?” Or the like, and Double-D would have to duck his head to prevent Kevin’s withering glare from catching his suppressed laughter. As they came up to the last of the carts, the Kanker’s carts, they even found themselves discussing the general pros and cons of the designs they had seen thus far. It was…pleasant. A word he would have been hard-pressed to attach to Marie before today.
The Kanker’s carts were, in gentle terms, more budget savvy than the others. There was rust on the toasters, the hair-dryers had some exposed wiring, and the cardboard boxes making up the cabins had clear signs of water damage. Double-D made sure to add an extra layer of thoroughness to his safety check, and brought out some of his personal electrical tape to help shore up the exposed wiring.
His previous thoughts on necessary ingenuity had also proven correct. Just about every attachment point was done with a different method or screw size, and duck tape made up roughly half the weight of the vehicle. That being said, one could see the attention to detail put in each cart. Any safety issues were merely the result of poor materials rather than shoddy craftsmanship, and Double-D found himself admiring the various clever work arounds.
On their final check of Marie’s cart however, is when he noticed something interesting. When giving a once-over of the frame of the vehicle, he noticed an odd gleam from underneath the body. Rummaging in his pocket, he pulled out his trusty creeper, and rolled himself underneath.
“What’d ya find Double-Dweeb? These Kankers try and pull one over on us?”
“No Kevin, nothing like that.” Double-D heard a sharp raspberry being blown above him.
“Marie?” He called, somewhat baffled.
“Yeah, cutie?”
“Did you use soldered together fizzy pop cans for the coil springs of your rear suspension?”
“Huh?” Marie was suddenly next to him, having slid underneath the cart on her back. “Oh, yeah. Ran outta the good stuff working on May and Lee’s. Check this out,” She reached past his face pressing up on the frame of the cart, chuckling as the cans gave an alarming crunch as the body settled. “Got an air hose running to the hair-dryer to pop ‘em back out when it’s running. Not bad, huh?”
Double-D could only rub his face in disbelief, spotting the aforementioned hose running up to the engine compartment.
“How on Earth did you even come up with this?” He asked, taking another look at the undercarriage now that his shock had worn off. It wasn’t the only McGuivered piece of machinery. That looked like a shower-rod for the crank shaft. And some of the tubing appeared to be melted together silly straws.
“Eh, ya know. Ya get good at jerryrigging stuff when you don’t have two nickels to rub together,” She shrugged, shoulder bumping into Double-D’s with the movement.
Double-D gave a soft, disbelieving huff. “You never cease to surprise, Marie.”
“‘Course not,” She chuckled, “Can’t have you getting bored of me, sweetie-pie.”
“I highly doubt that would ever happen,” He chuckled, turning to face her.
Oh.
She was much closer than he realized.
She noticed it too, and that sharp eye gleamed with something in the darkness of the space. When did it get so quiet? Was that his heartbeat? Since when did his palms start sweating?
“Shame about that deal, huh?” She suddenly murmured with a sly grin.
“Deal?” He answered dazedly.
She chuckled. And Double-D found he quite liked the sound when it wasn’t laced with mischief.
“Hey dorks!”
The gruff yell jolted Double-D from his thoughts, and his head jerked up, only to slam into the repurposed crowbar working as the main frame support.
“What’s the deal? We good to go or not?” Kevin asked as Double-D slid haphazardly out from underneath the cart, stars and tweetybirds and a heart or two spinning in front of his eyes.
“Yeah, dreamboat. We good to go?” Marie asked with an impish smile as she leaned across the hood of her vehicle.
“Um,” Double-D blinked for a moment, attempting to get himself back to rights. Perhaps her vehicle had been leaking fumes. Her electric vehicle…
“Good. Yes–Good! We’re all good to go! All is, um, as it should be! All proper and, uh,” He coughed lightly, trying to clear out the crack in his voice, “Correct.”
“Finally!” Eddy, red faced, yelled from his spot on the fence next to an ever grinning Lee. Ed was on top of the fence, with a giggling May not far away. Whatever had been going on while the three had been working, Double-D could only assume the Kankers were toeing a very fine line.
“Nazz? If you could do the honors please?” There was some pride that could be taken in the lack of stutter, he supposed. Especially since it still felt like Marie was burning a hole into him with her gaze.
“Totally!” Nazz pulled open the gate to the back yard before jumping up onto a nearby box. “Okay everybody, let’s get this show on the road! Head to your vehicles and start your engines!”
There was an immediate stampede as the simmering crowd roared to life, the anticipation finally boiling over into action as if entering their carts was a race in and of itself.
Double-D was left standing as the kids flowed around him, watching as Marie sauntered over to his side of the vehicle, stopping uncomfortably close.
He gulped.
Marie, for her part, merely grinned, and there was a knowing curl to its edges now. She held out her hand, and Double-D could only stare dumbly.
“Best driver wins?” She proposed, and he quickly wiped his palm on his shorts before grasping her hand in a gentle handshake. Right. That was certainly a different set of emotions going through him than his cordial handshakes with Father.
“Indeed. Best of luck to you Marie. Truly.” Thank goodness he was still able to form simple sentences.
As Double-D moved to release her hand, Marie’s grin widened, and a new –yet so familiar– twinkle shone in her eye. Her grip on his hand tightened, and she quickly brought her other hand up to her mouth, laid a brief kiss on the palm and then patted him on the cheek before he could react.
“Hold onto that for me, will ya, muffin?” She asked. And in a blink, she sent him spinning off towards his own vehicle with a yank on his hand, laughing as she entered her own cart.
Double-D could only stand, thunderstruck as he stared dazedly at his cart. His cheek felt warm. Warmer than it ever had from Mother’s brief farewell pecks. Certainly that was a violation of the rules, correct?
His cheek felt warm.
“Hey sockhead!” Double-D jolted back to the present, looking up to find Eddy waving impatiently from his own vehicle. Behind him, Ed’s legs stuck out his ‘sunroof’, and he appeared to be pressing the pedals with his hands while his tongue wrapped around the steering wheel.
“You waiting for a formal invitation or something? Let’s go! Those chumps won’t know what hit ‘em!”
“Onward and forward, Napoleon!” Came Ed’s garbled battle cry.
Shaking his head to rid himself of the last of his fluttering confusion, Double-D smiled as he entered his vehicle. “Right behind you, fellows!”
Truly, this was one of Eddy’s best plans yet.