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It was a normal mission, just another HYDRA base. It was Natasha, Steve, and me. We were looking for the tesseract, and for Bucky.
The base was in Russia, miles away from any town, city, or even some cabin. It was encased in old castle ruins. J.A.R.V.I.S scanned the area and found signs of radiation similar to that of the tesseract. It was unlikely that it (or Bucky) would be there, but at the end of the day it was still a HYDRA base, and none should be left standing.
We hid in the foliage, scoping out the area. This was apart of my training. I’m only 15 and I’m not very good at stealth yet, but Nat lets me come along since my powers allow me to heal any wounds.
There were guards taking normal patrols, and as they walked by I followed Steve towards the castle. I thought I was being quiet, but I guess I stepped on a stick or something because they almost immediately turned around and pointed their guns.
Before they could shoot, Nat did first. They didn’t notice her, so she shot one right in the shoulder, causing him to drop his gun and scream. I teleported behind him and knocked him out, but it was too late, others heard. Within seconds, there were easily 10 men coming from behind us.
I ran to the left, further into the trees; Nat went right, fighting off a few other guys, and Steve rushed towards the castle. It was pretty easy to get lost in these kind of forests, but that’s what the tracking system and comms sets are for. “Anastasia, get back to the jet, me and Romanoff will meet you there!” Steve said, leaving the words ringing in my head as I got situated behind a tree. I scoffed, Steve was always the first to get me to leave, even before my dad. “Steve I’m fine, my guns loaded and I have both my knives. I’ll find my way to the castle and meet you there. Nat, you good or do you need help?” I responded quickly, too quickly, maybe I should’ve thought it over, maybe I could’ve avoided it. “I’m good, but there’s a lot of them here. I’m by the east wing, Ana attack the west and Steve go for the middle. Keep an eye out, be safe.” Natasha seemed to be whispering, it’s always hard to tell over these comms. I could tell she was worried about me, but she doesn’t usually say anything. They both trust me, but Nat’s been training me the most, so she knows what I can and can’t do so far.
I made my way into the castle, it was easy since most of HYDRA’s focus was on Nat in the east side. I knew she could handle them, so I listened to her instructions and went to the west. I took out my gun, just in case, and snuck in through a window.
I searched for roughly 10 minutes, looking for the tesseract, Bucky, soldiers, anything. The castle almost seemed abandoned. “I found their lab, it’s in the center of the castle 50 feet below ground. There’s an old looking elevator that goes to it. Both of you make your way here.” Steve said through the comms set. Me and Nat agreed, and started making our way there.
Another few minutes had gone by, I was close to them but still had to find elevator. Then I heard panicked noises from down the hall.
I made my way there slowly. As I got closer I heard voices, some in English with thick accents, but most were in Russian. “Shit man, it’s Captain America!” “We’re not making it out alive, especially while the Black Widow is here.” Was basically all they said, but I guessed that there were roughly 5 men inside. I hid against the door, waiting for them to leave. I held my gun in one hand and my knife in the other, only to disarm them and defend myself if needed.
After a few seconds, the door burst open. The noticed me almost immediately, but I quickly dodged the first guys hit and punched him in the stomach. That’s when the fighting broke out, 4 more followed the first guy, and one by one I knocked them all out. I thought that was all of them, but I searched the room they came from just in case.
Barely a second after I walked in this guy jumped on me and tackled me to the ground. I hit my head, it was really disorienting and all I felt was him punching me. He was strong, I know now I’m stronger but in the moment I panicked. My gun was half way across the room but my knife was just by my hand. I started sobbing and coughing up blood in between punches, and I knew that I was losing energy by the second. I grabbed the dagger, and aimed to stab him in the shoulder.
I missed.
It went straight into his neck. He was mid punch and his hand fell into my face. There was an immediate release of pressure on my other hand so I instinctively grabbed the knife and pulled across his throat. Before I could process what I did, blood poured onto my face, into my eyes, mouth and on my hair.
I screamed as my blood, tears and saliva mixed with his on my face. I scrambled to get his not-yet-dead body off of me. I slipped into the growing pool of blood surrounding him and accidentally kicked him in the face as I fell on mine. He groaned loudly, and then continued to cough the same way I was only moments ago. I was desperate to get away, practically clawing at the floor to shove myself into a corner. I tried wiping my eyes with blood covered hands. I kept crying as the taste of salt and metal covered my mouth.
It felt like hours of wiping my face and clothes, but I was only really spreading the stains. Nat finally found me, it was probably only a few minutes later but it never would’ve been soon enough.
She held me in her hands and cradled my bloody face. I stared at her with a mix of relief and disbelief while she mumbled reassuring words. The more I looked at her, the more I hated myself, and the more I thought she would hate me. But I couldn’t help but find comfort in her grasp.
I stopped crying, but my breath didn’t slow, I’m not sure if it has since. She helped me up and brought me to Steve, who did the same as her, comfort and reassurance.
The flight is 13 hours home from Russia, so we were on the plane that had our own little rooms inside. I assume they told my dad, if they did neither had told me yet. It’s not like that would’ve mattered to me anyway, I just took someone’s life.
I couldn’t do anything, instead I was lying imprisoned in guilt, staring at his blood still under my fingernails and on my hands.
The door opened slowly, as if assuring the room was safe to enter. Although it did take the focus from my obsessive thoughts to Nat walking in.
She paused, and looked at me frozen in bed, with the most sympathetic look on her face. She had gone through this before.
“Oh Ana.. you’re still in shock.” She finally spoke, it’s taking everything in me not to sob in her arms. “It’s been an hour, you need a bath.” An hour? It hasn’t been that long.. I feel like I just left that room. That if I turn around I’ll still see the blood pouring out of his lifeless body. She walked over and kneeled in front of me, petting my hair, and avoiding tugging at the parts still knotted with dried blood. “I know.” My voice was trembling, I sounded as if I was going to cry. I held back as much as I could, but I felt a tear drop down my temple. She sighs “Ok, come on. We’re going to run you one.” she eased me up by my shoulders and looked at me with reassuring eyes.
She turned in the water, it was warm, but not too hot. “Come, sit in it. We want the blood to wash off before the bath fills.” She’s speaking gently. I take off my clothes, and sit in the bath. That empty feeling stopped any embarrassment I might’ve felt from exposure. Nat took a wet washcloth and wiped down my arms. With the water on me from the cloth, and the water sitting below me filling up the tub, i got cold, but that didn’t matter. He’s probobly cold right now.
I watched, in a trance like state, as it poured down the drain. Eventually, Nat turned on the water and filled the bath. I kept watching the water, but I could hear her walking around the room. I think she was getting stuff to wash my hair, since it was the last dirty part of me. Physically.
“Tell me if I’m pulling too hard, ok?” She switched the water to the shower head and puts it over my hair that’s leaned over the edge of the tub. All I could hear was water hitting metal. I guess she had found a bucket somewhere. With shampoo in her hands, she massaged my scalp with great care. With every gentle and relaxing movement I felt the pit in my stomach grow. Silently, a few tears stream down my face. Nat didn’t say anything, and neither did I.
She shampooed my hair 3 times, making sure to get all the blood out. “You’re going to be ok.” She spoke softly, but determined. I want to trust her.. but the pit in my stomach felt never ending. “Will this pain ever go away?” I was scared - terrified - of her answer, I needed to know the answer. “No, not exactly. But… it weakens over time.” I just nod, that’s exactly what I didn’t want to hear.
Im back in my room now, just sitting in bed. After the bath, I feel better but still can’t stop replaying the events in my mind. I can’t stop thinking about his blood on my hands, and in my hair and eyes. Nat walks in the room, I didn’t realized she left. She’s carrying popcorn and chocolates. “So, what’d you pick?” she asked me, still calm and cautious, but closer to how she normally speaks. “What?” I have no idea what she’s taking about, I’ve been too caught up in my own thoughts. She sighs, not disappointed, but worried. “We said we’d watch a movie, remember? I asked you to pick something you liked, but wasn’t your favorite, while I went to get snacks.” No, I didn’t remember at all. I’m wearing my pajamas, when did I put these on? “Ana?” She asked more worried than before. “What? Um.. Oh yeah, right. we can watch.. Luca.” It was the first one to come to mind, I don’t know why. She nods, grabs the remote, places the snacks on the bed and sits down behind me. “I’ll braid your hair, so you don’t have to worry about it getting tangled.” “Ok.” I responded, I think she knows how hard this is hitting me.
We’re about 30 minutes into the movie, and I’m still thinking about it. “What did you do when you first killed someone?” She paused, as if she was thinking of an answer that wouldn’t startle me. “Well, you know it was different for me-“ “yeah, I know, but what did you do?” She sighed at my interruption “-well if you let me finish, I’ll tell you.” “Sorry.” I said quietly. After a second, she continued “I… celebrated. That’s probably not the best word for it, but nevertheless killing someone else was my only way to live, and to continue my training.”
She seems hesitant to tell me all this. I don’t really care though. “Do.. you remember who you killed?” I probably shouldn’t be asking so many questions, but it’s the only way I’m stopping the thoughts of him. “Yeah, I do. She was another widow in the program. Her name was Stefaniya. We were a few years younger than you at the time, probably around 11-13.” I think I’m done asking questions. I don’t want to think about that either. So I just don’t say anything else, and Nat goes back to slowly braiding my hair.
We watch the movie for a while longer. I feel better, the warmth of Natasha’s touch on my shoulders grounded me. For the first time since getting on the plane, I took in my surroundings. I’ve been in this room so many times. We take this jet for any flights longer than 4 hours, or for missions that would be likely to tire us out. I’ve realized he’s left the forefront of my mind. The thought of him is still lingering, not yet in the background, just not in the spotlight.
“Steve wanted to come and help, but I told him it might be overwhelming. Plus I don’t think he would’ve been comfortable bathing you.” She chuckled, it was oddly soothing. “Yeah, it’s probably for the best.” I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Steve. He just.. wouldn’t have done amazing in this situation.
“I’m done braiding your hair. Are you tired?” She calmly asked, running her hands over the braid she just completed. I hadn’t processed much about how I felt since it happened. I’m tired, cold, and my head still hurts. “Oh.. yeah, I guess I am tired. Oh and do we have any Tylenol left? I have a headache.” I spoke quicker than before, almost at my normal rate. I think I’ll finally be able to sleep now too. “Yeah, we do. You gotta eat first though, I’ll have Steve make grilled cheeses.” She texted Steve and he got to cooking. He got surprisingly good once Nat taught him, despite the 30s and 40s not being known for their cuisine.
After another 30 minutes, the movie had ended and we went to eat in the kitchen. Steve had already made the sandwiches and set up the table. “How are you doing?” He asked, putting his hands on my shoulders, he’s clearly worried. “I’m.. better than before, thanks.” I spoke as I sat down, I noticed Nat nod as if confirming my wellbeing, and Steve visibly relaxed. “That’s good, I haven’t told Tony yet. But do you want to or should I?” Steve always thought of what to do next, and while that was important, I didn’t want to think about my dad’s reaction yet. “You should tell him.” I decided quickly. “Yeah, that’s probably better.” Nat added. We ate mostly in silence after that, just giving Steve some details of the last few hours here and there.
Nat handed me a Tylenol at the end of our meal, and took me back to my room. I laid down, and for the first time since I left that room I fully realized how exhausted I was. “This moment doesn’t define you, I hope you know that.” Natasha spoke in almost a whisper, as if it wasn’t something she truly believed. I mean, she definitely believed it for me, but maybe not when talking about herself. I didn’t respond. She kissed me on the forehead “Sleep well Ana.” She said, looking into the room from the doorframe. “Thank you.” I responded, she knows what for.