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An eternity. That's what it felt like.
Of course when I woke up I never told anyone just how long it felt to me. I didn't need them feeling even more sorry for my stupid ass. I should have just turned the damn plane around, or done something else, anything else, than try to be Captain America; The Hero. But I wasn’t thinking straight. My best friend just died, and I couldn’t save him. But at least I could save the thousands of people below me.
When I woke up, nothing seemed right. The bed was too soft, the air didn’t smell right, and when that woman walked in… nothing about her was right. Everything from her hair to her shoes was wrong. Then those men came in, and I threw them through the wall and walked out into a world that wasn’t my own. I learned I was frozen in ice for nearly 70 years. I learned every one I've ever known was gone. I learned Peggy was still alive… but Bucky was still gone. Nothing felt right.
But there’s no need to dwell on the past anymore, considering how far away it is now. I just have to look towards the future, and be glad I survived somehow. I didn’t look far enough though, and then aliens were coming through a portal into New York. It was a hard battle, even harder without Bucky by my side, but we made it. And some of us were even okay after.
Then the unthinkable happened. Bucky came back. But he wasn’t the Bucky I knew. He shot at me, fought me in the streets of DC. This time he didn’t pull his punches like when we were younger. He came at me like an unstoppable force. Like a storm that would wreck everything in its path and would only stop once it had achieved its goal. By the end, I didn’t want to try and stop him. Then something in him changed right before we fell into the water. I woke up in the hospital and I knew it had to be Bucky that dragged me ashore. Maybe he realized what he was doing was wrong. Maybe he started to remember me. Either way, he saved me. Again.
It doesn’t matter that he saved me though. He was out there all alone. I kept thinking to myself, this wasn’t the first time he was alone; but really it was. When we were kids, someone was there for him, always. I was there for him. The last 70 years he had Hydra breathing down his neck. I wasn’t sure how much of his memories were going to coming back, and without them, anything could happen. But now… now he had no one but himself, and I couldn’t save him again. But I had to try, so me and Sam set out and looked for him. Wherever Bucky was, I was going to find him and bring him home.
Then robots attacked next. He didn’t mean to make them, but sometimes Tony doesn’t know where to draw the line. I was angry at him, we all were, but we stayed by each other’s sides and fought Ultron until he was nothing but a pile of scrap metal. We had someone new on our side now, and she was powerful and amazing and unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. But we lost someone else, and I wish I didn’t know how that felt.
We also gained someone else on our side. He was about as hard to understand as Wanda was, but he was good at whatever it is he does. Then me and Sam continued our search for Bucky. We didn’t leave a stone unturned, but like Hydra, with every rock we flipped over two more were added to our search. But then we finally found him.
It was after they decided we’ve operated on our own for long enough. Caused enough damage to the world. They wanted me to agree with them; sign the accords and let someone else tell me where and when to go. But I couldn’t sign, not when they were blaming Bucky for the bomb. Unlike before, we didn’t stick together. We chose our sides. Sam stayed with me, but Natasha couldn’t. I understood though. We had to go where our head and our hearts told us to; so I went to Bucky.
Bucky still didn’t remember much, but he remembered my mom, and he was remembering me. And he was remembering all the people he hurt, and I didn’t know what to do to make him know it wasn’t his fault, so I told him just that. But it’s hard to change the mind of someone who believes they’re guilty.
I tried to keep him safe, but Tony was two steps behind us. Then Tony learned that Bucky killed-…. Tony was our new threat. The new unstoppable force. But we fought, and it hurt like hell, and I don’t think any of us were okay after that.
Then Bucky went back in cryo… but unlike the countless times before, it was his choice, and I’m sure he was at peace this time. Sometimes I swear I can see his eyes move. It’s just a flicker of movement, but I know it’s there. I don’t know how long it will take for us to figure out how to get Hydra’s programming out of his head, but Bucky will be Bucky again one day. We will try everything, and if that doesn’t work, we’ll try everything again. But by god we’ll find a way.
I’ll find a way.