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It wasn't common for his son to be sleeping whenever Harald came back home from his lengthy expeditions. Loki often tried to hide his eagerness of course, but it didn't go unnoticed by Harald.
The kid's behavior always puzzled Harald. He could clearly see how bouncy Loki acted when he arrived, and the palace workers were always mumbling and nagging about the trouble he had caused while Harald had been away.
However, as soon as Harald directly interacted with his son, he would become awfully bashful and retreat to his room after only exchanging a few words with him.
He hadn't thought much of it at first. If the kid had been burning so much energy waiting for him, he was bound to be exhausted. However, Harald had started to notice that about all of their conversations went like that. It had gotten slightly better over the years, but the change wasn't significant enough to stop Harald from worrying.
Loki had lost his mother when he was barely one year old. Harald had noticed how greatly it had affected his infant son, enough for him to not even smile once in his presence for years, despite being left in his uncle's care.
Obviously, an uncle couldn't fill a mother's role, but Harald still felt safer leaving Loki with him than with the servants. They were family after all. It was bound to work better for his son. After all, while Harald regretted to admit it, the man knew his wife far better than he did since he had barely gotten to spend time with her. Loki's uncle could tell him all about his mother and how much she had loved him.
It hadn't seemed to work as well as he had hoped though, since Loki seemed to have made zero progress over the years, perhaps gotten even worse. The regent might have been too busy with his main duties to spend proper time with his nephew. A shame, truly. And then he had also tragically passed away and left the boy behind.
Harald had been horrified for Loki, not knowing how his young son would take the loss of a caretaker for a second time. However, to say the boy had surprised him with his resilience would be an understatement.
Back then, Harald had rushed his way home, hoping to be there for his son as he processed the harsh event and help him slowly move on from it.
He'd never forget how different the Loki that greeted him had been from the one in his imagination.
"Welcome back, father." He had greeted with a gentle smile. The first one Harald had seen from him.
He hadn't been able to help himself as he had rushed to his boy and embraced him tightly, while holding his head.
He hadn't missed how hard Loki had flinched upon the contact; however, it was to be expected. They hadn’t been that physically affectionate prior to that, since he hadn't wanted to overwhelm the child, and Harald just running to Loki like that had probably caught the kid off guard.
It had taken Loki a while to return the embrace, likely for the initial shock to wear off.
From that moment on, Loki started acting much more cheerful, smiling more often. To some extent, it had put Harald's mind at ease.
Even so, Harald had come to be aware of the glaring distance between them once more. Loki was fifteen now, but their relationship still didn't feel much like that of a typical father and son. He could tell Loki wasn't all that comfortable with him. There were definitely things he was hiding from Harald. He just couldn't tell what they were yet.
While contemplating all of this, Harald was making his way to his son's room. He had missed Loki greatly while he had been away, and all of those thoughts had boggled his mind quite a lot.
The boy had grown up much more quickly than Harald could have imagined, and he had missed most of it. He wanted to do better, for both their sakes. He wanted to spend more time with Hajrudin and Ida as well. Perhaps they could all spend some quality time together soon.
As he finally reached Loki's room, he softly pushed the door open, taking care not to wake the boy up. He was fast asleep, only making small movements from time to time.
Harald smiled as he approached the bed, lovingly looking down at his tiny boy. He might have lost quite a lot of his time with Loki, but they still had more. He would do better from now on.
As he gently caressed Loki's cheek with the back of his index finger, it kept catching onto the lower parts of the boy's eye bandages. It made him frown a little. Was his boy comfortable sleeping like that? Was it really necessary for him to keep them on at all times? Had he changed them before going to sleep?
Surely seeing his own son's eyes at least once couldn't hurt? Why hadn't he wondered about that sooner?
Harald had failed to notice that while he had been so deep in thought, he had subconsciously reached for Loki's eyes and slightly pulled at the bandages.
Before Harald knew it, Loki had awoken in terror, jumped back, and hit the back of his head on the wall hard enough to crack it. Tears immediately started running down his cheeks as he tightly hugged himself and hiccupped, while pushing himself as far away from his father as he could.
Harald tried to suppress his own shock at his little boy's reaction as he tried to comfort him, "Calm down little guy! It's just me! It's Dad."
He reached his hand to comfort Loki, but the kid pushed himself further against the wall, biting his lip all the while to stop himself from crying. It made something tighten in Harald's chest.
"Did I hurt you? I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean it. Dad didn't mean to cause you pain. He would never. And I wouldn't let anyone dare hurt my little boy either. Will you forgive me?" he said in a soft tone as he reached his hand towards Loki once more.
Loki observed his father's gentle expression before he took his hand and slowly closed the distance between them for a hug.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed into Harald's shoulder.
Harald caressed Loki's hair and planted a kiss on it, "You have nothing to be sorry about, I'm the one who is sorry. Dad swears he didn't mean to."
Loki tightened his hold on Harald.
"Okay…," he mumbled while still hiccupping.
He spoke again after a few moments, "Also, I'm not little...don't call me that…"
That got a small laugh out of Harald, "Alright, big guy."
"And don't you dare tell anyone about this!"
"Oh, I wouldn't dare, your highness!"
"Are you mocking me?"
"Never!"
Harald gave Loki a small, reassuring smile as they broke the hug. He was still sniffling, but at least he had calmed down considerably. His eye bandages had gotten all wet and loosened because of his tears and could become undone any minute now. However, Harald still couldn't peek at his boy's eyes from underneath them.
"Say, my boy. You need to take care of those bandages. Do you want me to help with them?" he asked in a low voice to avoid making Loki feel pressured or uncomfortable again.
"N-no!" Loki cried back immediately, which got a confused reaction from Harald. "It's fine! I can do it myself! I don't even have to do it right now; I'll take care of it tomorrow."
"If you say so…"
Harald didn't sound very convinced, but refrained from pushing the boy further. For tonight, at least.
He got up and walked to the door, turning back for the last time to say goodnight to his boy.
"Sleep well, son."
"Y-you too, Dad!" Loki said back a little too enthusiastically, which once again, Harald was puzzled by.
He smiled once more before closing the door.
Loki just sat on his bed, looking at the door for a few moments, before lying down and pulling his blanket up to his eyes.
"Aughhh, that was embarrassing! What is Dad going to think? But…this is the first time anyone has wished me goodnight…and it was dad who did it too…!"
He couldn't help the small blush and smile on his face that just refused to leave until he fell asleep for the night.
***
Harald had already been somewhat worried before. However, after tonight's events? He was now insanely concerned about his boy's well-being.
Acting a little shy around him was one thing, but reacting so hysterically to a slight touch on his eyes? It broke Harald's heart. Had it truly been pain that caused Loki so much distress? He found that hard to believe.
Harald had been a peaceful man for decades, but that didn't mean he hadn't seen his fair share of misery in the world. He'd seen harsh battles, droughts, plagues, and many such things that caused people around the world great pain.
And Loki's response didn't seem like one of physical pain.
It was fear.
Pain could lead to that of course, but if that had been the case, then Loki would have most probably reached for his eyes first. He had tried to cover himself with his hands, but even so, it hadn't been an act of physical protection. It almost looked like he had been trying to hide his face from Harald. Like Harald himself was the true source of his panic…
That was it. Harald couldn't simply let go of this matter. He was going to cancel all of his upcoming plans and his next expedition first thing tomorrow. No, tonight. He could easily send an envoy in his place. Focusing so much on his people and duties as a king had him pretty much blinded to his own family's perils. He would not let things continue like that.
***
Loki woke up early the next morning. Great opportunity to sneak off to the castle's infirmary and grab some clean bandages before his father ended up asking him unwanted questions.
Last night had been…unexpected, to say the least. Never before had Harald been curious about Loki's eyes or inquired about them. He hadn't directly asked anything this time either, but Loki could tell. Him showing up unannounced in Loki's room while he was asleep, touching his bandages, asking to help him change them…all were new. Thinking about it made a shiver run down Loki's spine.
What if he knew? Someone might have told him the truth. What if some of the older castle workers had finally been fed up with Loki's mischiefs and gave him away so that his father would get rid of him?
The thought made him feel sick.
Did his father also think Loki was an accursed monster?
He tried to swallow the lump in his throat.
No, he couldn't give up yet. There was no solid proof for his father to fully abandon him yet!
Harald had comforted Loki about the whispers and rumors around him before and even scolded those who spread them 'for no reason'.
He might not be around much, but he was the only one who seemed like he at least didn't detest Loki.
Maybe he even cared…at least a tiny bit? Loki tried not to count much on that, since he couldn't be sure.
Last night…maybe it had been a plan to make him spill the truth? It hadn't felt insincere though…
Anyhow, even if his father had doubts, Loki would make sure to remove them. He would even settle down quietly in the castle for a while if he had to.
He couldn't fully lose his father as well. He wouldn't let it happen.
Loki carefully crept his way to the infirmary, making sure his father wasn't around on the way. He had arrived fairly late last night; perhaps he was still asleep. At least Loki hoped so.
However, as soon as Loki set foot in the infirmary, his eyes caught his father's huge silhouette. He immediately tried to make a run for it, but Harald, who had already noticed him, stopped him by putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.
It made Loki's breath catch in his throat.
Damn it, he thought to himself.
He had to stay calm! Come up with an excuse! But his mind was all blank.
He started stammering, "Dad! I, uh…saw that you were already busy in here so-"
Harald answered him with a reassuring smile, "Loki! I was waiting for you, actually! Come in here, son."
He gave Loki a gentle push to encourage him.
Loki gulped.
"I think I might have forgotten to bring something from my room-"
"Then I'll wait here while you go and get it, don't fret it."
"No…I…"
Loki's awfully distressed look put a nervous frown on Harald's face. He crouched and sat down on the ground, making himself as small as he could to talk to his little boy.
"Listen, Loki," he spoke softly and reached to envelope Loki's small hands in his big ones. "I know I haven't been there for you as much as I should have through all these years. I constantly left you in others' care and never got to be the proper source of support you needed me to be. I barely know about any of the tribulations you have experienced. It must have been difficult, having to handle things all on your own. Feeling that you needed to. I admit, I failed to set my priorities effectively, and therefore, I have failed you as a father."
Loki couldn’t help but gape at Harald.
Harald continued in a remorseful tone, "I know you still aren't completely at ease when it comes to our relationship. Even so, I want to try and make amends. Be here for you more. Help you as a good father would. So please, let me start being there for you, both for the mundane activities that are part of your daily life and later greater hardships that we are all bound to face."
He reached and patted Loki's head, who was still standing stiffly, taken aback by Harald's words.
"So? Will you let me aid you now? I promise you I'll be gentle and help as you want me to. Or you can just show me how you do it this time, and I'll try handling it next time. How does that sound, hm?" Harald pleaded.
Loki had no idea how to process this. It was a lot for him to take in.
He couldn't believe his father had been feeling like that. He sounded genuine. And there was a small part of Loki that really, really wanted to trust him.
Maybe he really would be accepted. Maybe he wouldn't have to hide anymore.
But no. The voice that told him that could never happen. To just let his flight response fully kick in right now and get away from his father, was much much louder.
For the second time that day, he tried to flee, to go hide somewhere his father would never find him, even though he knew it was not possible.
This time again, Harald stopped him, albeit more firmly.
"Loki, please. Just why are you so terrified of facing me?" Harald begged in a shaky voice that he could never have imagined from his unwavering father.
"I know that I've done you wrong. You might even hate me. And you have every right to. But let me have this one more chance, for both our sakes. Let me try. You don't need to hide from your own father!"
"Stop thinking you're the issue here, Dad! It's me! It's always been me!" Loki yelled as he turned to face Harald with tears running down his face.
His father looked thunderstruck again.
Loki always found crying in front of others shameful. What an absolute mess.
But he just couldn't hold it in anymore. Hiding forever wouldn't work. This was bound to happen eventually. The faster he got this over with, the sooner he got to rebuild himself from the ruins. And if his father wanted him dead, too? Well, he had wished for the same thing.
"I didn't want you to hate me too!" he whimpered.
Loki desperately tried to wipe off the tears and stop himself, but it wasn't working at all.
Damn it. Damn it all.
Loki didn't notice how taken aback Harald looked at hearing that.
He tried to carefully turn Loki's head towards him as he spoke, "What do you mean, my boy? Nothing could ever make me hate you-"
"Liar! You're lying!" Loki cried and stomped his foot in frustration. "Of course you're going to hate me! Just like mom did! Just like her wretched brother did! Like how everyone does!"
"Loki, what are you talking about…? I love you dearly, as I'm sure both your mother and uncle did."
"No they did not! You know nothing! And if you truly love me, then…then maybe you are a fool!"
Loki was sobbing so hard now he had started hiccupping. Harald felt utterly clueless as what to do. His hands were helplessly hovering around Loki as he was trying to think of something that would help the situation.
He didn't get to act before Loki did something unexpected. He reached for the loosened bandages and tore them from his eyes himself.
"Loki…"
He pointed at himself as he wept, "Here you go. Isn't this what you wanted to know? Do you see it now? I'm a monster! A curse upon everyone in this country! Of course nobody wants me! I should never have been born to begin with…"
It seemed like the weight of what he had done had just caught up to Loki, as he turned away from his father, hiding his face as his teardrops rapidly hit the ground.
"D-don't look at me anymore! You got what you wanted! You can just go ahead and get rid of me now-"
Before he could finish, Loki was being carefully wrapped in his father's big, strong, and warm arms.
"Don't go saying such awful things about yourself. I don't want to hear you say any of that ever again. Especially that you should be…," Harald's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't bring himself to repeat what Loki had just said.
"I've been to many, many lands around the world, Loki. I've met all kinds of people. I've seen devil fruit users with powers and appearances so unique that you couldn't even imagine with your creative little mind. And in all of them, I haven't once seen anyone with eyes as beautiful and unique as my son's. How could I possibly ever hate you for something like that?"
Harald loosened his hold enough that he could be face-to-face with Loki.
Loki looked at him skeptically and sniffled, "You…aren't lying?"
Harald put on a teasing smile, "Would a warrior of Elbaph lie to another one?"
"But you don't even like fighting…and hey! Don't call me little!" Loki protested.
Harald chuckled, "Being a warmonger brute isn't what makes one a true warrior, my boy. It's about knowing how to pick your battles and protecting those you love."
"I don't get it…" Loki said with a pout.
"It's alright. You will learn eventually, and we can discuss this more at a better time. However, right now I'm going to look you in the eyes and say what I said before as many times as it takes for you to believe me. Your eyes are beautiful, Loki. You are a handsome little man! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, not even me," Harald said firmly. "Honestly, how dare you hide them from me? I could have marveled so much more while looking at you through the years! Were you being stingy with Dad? Is that it!? Or were you worried that I would get jealous?"
Harald dropped his playful attitude when he saw the sad look on Loki's face.
"They've been covered up for as long as I can remember. I've only ever taken them off when I was sure that no one was around to see. The castle workers especially insisted that I keep them covered in front of you and Mom's brother…"
So they had known the truth all along and hidden it from Harald. He would have to look deeper into it later. The comments about Estridd and her brother as well…
They had quite a lot of explaining to do.
Really, what has this little child gone through while he wasn't looking? Harald had a lot more to make up for than he had eventually thought.
He squeezed Loki's little body into his broad shoulders, "It's okay now, you don't have to hide any longer. Anyone who tells you otherwise will be dealing with me."
Loki made a little affirmative sound as he pushed his face onto his father's shoulder.
"Did you really, reeeallyyy, mean it when you said that…that my eyes are beautiful? You don't think I'm scary? Is it…is it good that I was born?", he asked in a timid voice, Harald never expected from him.
"Of course I did! I mean it from the bottom of my heart. And your birth Loki, was one of the happiest and most precious moments of my life! And a monumental event in our country's history. Anyone who has made you think differently is a fool. People are quick to approach what they aren't used to with fear and prejudice. But that doesn't excuse their behavior. They don't define the worth and truth of that thing. Remember that Loki and never let it slip your mind. Okay?"
"Okay!" Loki said firmly into Harald's clothes, like he wanted to convince himself as well.
"Good kid."
Harald gently wiped the tear tracks from under Loki's eyes and face with his finger. Then they finally broke the hug as Harald proceeded to stand up.
"Alright then! It's almost time for breakfast. Your highness, can I have the honor of eating alongside you on this lovely morning?" He teased.
Loki hid his face under his hair as he whispered, "Augh, Dad, you’re embarrassing! …But yeah…I think I would like that..."
Harald gave his boy a strong pat on the head that messed his hair up.
"Hey!" Loki protested.
"Say Loki, what would you like to do for today, and tomorrow?"
"…But aren't you super busy? And you aren't even home tomorrow…"
"And what if I tell you, I already chose someone to send in my place because I wanted to spend more time with you?"
"You're not serious…"
"I am very serious."
"Then you can show me how to fight!"
"Ah…how about we settle for something a little more peaceful for now…"
"…"
"Okay, stop pouting at me like that. Whatever makes my boy happy."
"Yesss!"
Harald gave the now smiling Loki another fatherly pat on the head, which gained him more complaints. His son's precious smile he would make sure to protect it this time. And anyone who dared to threaten their joy would have to pay.