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Riorson House, Violet POV
I wake from a restless sleep to rain falling against my window. The tapping is heavy and rhythmic, insistent that I wake. No, wait. That’s not rain. What is that?
I sluggishly pull myself upright, rubbing sleep from my eyes and squinting in the darkness toward my window, the source of the sound. Is that…a shadow?
I clamber out of bed before I can tell my body not to get its hopes up. The closer I get, the less sense my eyes can make of the shapes in the darkness. A thin crescent moon throws the only light remotely bright enough to help my straining eyes. There are definitely dark swirls, but something else too. I gasp when my eyes adjust to see a bouquet of violets clasped in a knot of darkness, next to a particularly dark swirl that is decidedly gently rapping on the window. Xaden.
This can’t be real. This is a dream. It’s been a dozen weeks since Draithus, since I’d held him, kissed him, laid eyes on him. Since he left me a duchess, with so many more questions than answers, abandoned and in danger and nearly as hollow as I’d felt when Andarna had done the same. But despite the anger and the hurt, my senses are completely overwhelmed by the absolute need to see him, touch him, speak with him…to just exist in the same air that he does.
I unlatch the window and reach for the flowers.
The darkest shadow moves slowly, so slowly, toward my hand. It dissipates to a wisp of a mist, but it remains significantly darker to my eyes than the others. It seems tentative, if that could ever be said of shadows, of my shadow wielder. It brushes over my hand, breaking into swirls as if I’ve run it through the morning fog rising from the Iakobos. I curl my fingers, creating more swirls, trying to pull any emotion I can find from it. It feels familiar, but there is no mental bond, and disappointment builds in my chest before I can tell my heart how foolish that is.
The shadow resolidifies and gently reaches toward my face. I hold my breath, knowing just how lethal he can be, but knowing just as deeply in my soul that he is now, and will never be, a threat to my life. In a move that I know as well as wrapping my own joints, he moves a firm strand of shadow up to my cheek, brushing it so affectionately and tenderly that I can’t help the tear that spills from my eye. The shadow brushes it away and strokes into my unbound hair, down to the nape of my neck, and my eyes fall shut. “Xaden,” I whisper into the dark, feeling too many emotions to register but allowing them all in nevertheless.
I breathe out and in, a shuddering breath, and realize how short this time will be. I open my eyes, not wanting to miss any part of him for however long he is here.
The flowers move toward me – how had I forgotten those? They seem to hesitate, unsure if they should be placed in my hand or on top of the dresser. I reach for the shadow, and my eyes fall shut again momentarily as the cool darkness covers my hand. It has formed into the shape and size of his hand, holding the flowers into mine, lacing between my fingers and squeezing. The shadow on my neck retreats, and I immediately mourn the loss of its touch. Is he leaving?? Gods, do I miss the bond. But the hand remains in mine, as the other shadows float toward the roof. Toward where I’d seen him brood in silence all those months ago. He wants me to meet him up there, I can feel it in my bones. Do I trust his control enough to follow him? The thought crosses my mind for the briefest moment before I know undoubtedly that the answer is yes. I feel the heft of the emerald ring on my finger, the weight of all his promises and desires, and I know I will be going out the window to meet a deadly, shadow-wielding, intention-reading venin on a roof. Barefoot. In nothing but a robe, and a Deverelli silk night dress. Gods, it’s a good thing Tairn is asleep. He might torch me himself if he knew.
I squeeze my husband’s misty shadow hand and release it, heading out the door of our bedroom and toward the easiest and quickest path to the roof. My feet sound to my ears like I’m thundering through the halls, although I’m walking as quietly as I can manage. No one stirs, and there are no sentries up here in the private residence. No one will know where I’ve gone.
I approach the large window that leads to the roof and ease it open as quietly as I can. Xaden’s shadows wait for me outside, offering me a handhold as I climb the final stretch to where I see his silhouette outlined against the few homes below with lights still burning in their windows. He’s turned toward me, standing on the edge that overlooks his favorite view of the city he loves, and my feet are already moving toward him. As I advance he watches me, and his features come into view. His eyes rake over my body, the night dress he bought to caress my skin when he couldn’t. There’s hunger in his gaze, but he seems to be making his posture small, at least as much as he can. His shadows softly tug me to stop, a bit out of his physical reach and space. He doesn’t trust himself, and wants me to keep my distance. I can oblige, at least for now.
“Violet.” He stretches out my name, an apology and a prayer in one. His unfamiliar eyes, now surrounded by spidering red veins and no longer the gold-flecked onyx that I have always adored, still hold whatever is left of his soul, his regret, his concern for me. He opens his mouth as if to continue but shuts it again. He’s at a loss for words, and I reach for the bond as I normally would at these moments. I curse softly under my breath at its nonexistence.
He takes my quiet curse as directed at him, and takes a wary step back, apprehension lining his beautiful face. I squeeze the shadow hand tightly. I’m not letting this man go again, not right now.
“No, it’s…I just miss the bond.”
His mouth sets in a firm line, and I know he feels responsible for the loss. Responsible for so many things now lacking in my life.
I continue tentative steps toward him, until I’m within his long arm’s reach. He tenses.
“You brought me flowers.” I look up into his face, and I can’t help reaching up to cup it between my hands. He seems to be fighting the urge to recoil from my touch, but as soon as my skin meets his, his eyes slide shut and his entire posture relaxes for a fleeting moment. It passes, and he meets my gaze once more.
“Are you sure you want to stand so close? To touch me? Vi, I don’t know how much control I have.”
“Your shadows have been perfect gentlemen so far. I almost wish they weren’t.” I smirk at him, but it’s clearly too early to joke about any of this. “Sit, Xaden. I trust you. I know I shouldn’t. But I do.”
I perch on the edge and beckon him to join me, and thank the gods he does. I hold out a hand to him, and his own warm hand envelops mine in a familiar move that makes everything feel like it just might be alright.
I have so many things to say to this man, but I don’t want to fight, to waste a single minute of our time. It’s sure to be short. What time is it, anyway? I see no sign of dawn on the horizon, so I allow myself to hope that I can stay here with him for a few hours.
I sigh, not knowing where to start.
“I love you, Xaden Riorson.” It comes out small and tight, my voice cracking.
“I love you, Duchess Sorrengail.”
Well, I guess we’re going there. My voice is stronger when I respond. “About that…”
He winces, and I know he wishes he would have phrased part of that sentence differently.
“Xaden, you know I am beyond willing to help with your duties here. But seriously? You fucking left me alone here, in charge, with essentially no idea what I’m doing, and an Assembly that barely recognizes me as its interim leader. That’s a shitty thing to do to you wife.” I pause. “And that’s another thing. Your wife? YOUR GODSDAMNED WIFE?? What the hell even is that? Did we really get married? Why would I have erased that memory? How could you have let me do that? And how could you have left me on our fucking wedding night, with no word about anything except a cryptic message that I’m assuming I’m supposed to decipher, unless maybe I’m not and maybe it just means what it says.” I’m on a roll now, picking up volume and speed. “We’re at war with the venin, and you have nothing of value to add to that conversation, no inside information to share on that front. Meanwhile, Navarre is essentially crawling into our land and threatening to attack us, to attack me in hopes of removing you from the game board. And Gods know what the hell Tecarus is up to – he’s been suspiciously silent.” I take a long breath and continue on slowly and at least marginally more calmly. “So I guess what I’m saying is, I fucking love you, and I’m so fucking pissed at you that I could throw you off this roof.” I huff loudly and pointedly stare across the city rooftops and not at the man I love despite himself.
He runs a hand through his hair. “I know.” His voice is as quiet and dejected as I’ve ever heard it. “Violet, I know, and I am so sorry for…just…everything.” His breath is ragged, and he swallows as though he’s forcing down a lump in this throat. “There aren’t sufficient words for me to even begin to apologize to you. I could start right this second and live another six decades and still not have had the time to make this right. I promise you, I will spend the rest of my existence, whatever this is…” I catch him gesturing to his body out of my peripheral vision, “I will spend all of my time doing everything I can to make it right.”
I feel his gaze boring into me, and I catch his eyes, full of intensity and complete sincerity. He continues, his voice gaining strength. “I don’t know how to fix it all, how to fix us. But I swear to you, whatever you need, whatever I can do, I will do it. For you, love.”
My ire diminishes ever so slightly, having finally expressed at least some of what I needed to say. I really didn’t want to fight tonight. I change the topic. “I wasn’t sure what to expect. Who you had become.” I reach across and softly toy with his hands, dragging my fingers up his wrist and across his palm, then lacing our fingers together. The solid warmth of his grasp makes my heart skip a beat. “You seem like…you. More than I expected.”
“I’m not sure I was at first,” he admits. “I felt so fucking lost without you and the bond tethering me. Sgaeyl was…not herself for a long while…not without her bond to Tairn.” A guilty look crosses his face at the thought of the lost mating bond, the ultimate sacrifice made by our dragons. It’s yet another loss created by the choices he made, the situations he was put into by forces outside of his control. “She came around, though. Gods, I don’t know what I would have become without her strength those first weeks. I probably would have just gone fucking mad, maybe stabbed myself with a runed blade.” My stomach drops, but I can’t say I’m not familiar with the feeling. It’s how I felt when Andarna left. And when he left. If I hadn’t had so many people relying on me these last months, and of course especially Tairn, I undoubtedly would have stepped right off the Cliffs of Dralor. “But it’s gotten better. I’ve found some purpose. It seems to be easier to block Berwyn, which is why I dared to come tonight. I’m as certain as I can be that he can’t track me and won’t be able to drag this memory out of me, even in my dreams. I’ve been able to glean some information about their plans, although I’m still trying to make complete sense of it. And I’ve had an idea about how to share that with you in what I hope is the safest way possible.” He leans over to show me a loose stone between us. It’s carved with a small mark – a letter V. Anyone looking at it would assume it was a natural scratch, but it would be easily identifiable for me when I needed to come looking for it. Beneath the loose stone is a small cavity, large enough for perhaps a small notebook and nothing more. “When I have information to share, I’ll leave a violet on your windowsill. That will be my signal to you to check our secret spot, here.” He gestures to the stone, which he has slid back into place. It lies flush with the rest of the roof.
“I hope you’ll use this for more than just military intelligence.” My voice softens. “I miss your letters.”
A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth – the first I’ve seen tonight. “Is that so? Well, I’ll keep that in mind.” He squeezes my hand. “But only if you promise me that you’ll leave me something here from time to time as well.” I squeeze his hand back in response.
“Will that be enough? To keep you from…making a rash decision with your life? Xaden, our lives may not be tethered in a magical sense anymore, but…” I pause, willing my voice not to break. “You know I wouldn’t survive if you sent yourself to meet Malek. I wouldn’t want to. Please don’t ever think like that.”
He tilts my chin with his hand and kisses my lips firmly, an oath that I melt into. It ends as quickly as it began, leaving my lips tingling. “I promise you, I will not consider that ever again, so long as you are breathing. I’m sorry, that’s the best I can do.” I nod, knowing that’s all I can ask of him.
“Are the wards on your bedroom still okay? Do –“
“Our bedroom,” I interject.
“Regardless. Do I need to alter them before I leave – make it so Mira or Brennan or Rhi can come in? Like you said, I’ve not made this easy on you. I know you’re stronger than I am, but I can’t help thinking back to how it was when Andarna left…I wouldn’t want you to endure another situation like that and be trapped in there alone. It was all I thought about for a long time, wishing I could have made that change before I left.” The absolute pain in his voice hurts my heart.
“Don’t worry, Xaden, I too survived my suicidal loneliness era. If it makes you feel better, unlock it for Mira and Brennan. But don’t think for a second I have been – or will be – dragging anyone across that threshold to bed with me beside my beautiful fucking asshole of a husband. You know what, I’m also pissed about that. Did we even consummate the marriage? No, don’t answer that. I don’t know if I’d be more pissed if we didn’t, or if we did and I can’t remember it.”
“You know there’s a plan, right? You’re too fucking brilliant to not know that.”
“Of course I know. And I’m sure it was my plan, and I’m sure everything will make sense someday, and I will completely understand why I chose to have Imogen take these life-altering memories from me. But I am allowed to be absolutely livid about it until that time, or even after.” I can feel a hardness tint my eyes as I stare deeply into his. “I don’t get to remember what should be the happiest moment of my life. That just fucking sucks, Xaden. Do you at least remember it?”
“I do.” I don’t know if I should laugh or cry or punch him in the face. I opt for sitting still. “Can I tell you about it?” I nod, suppressing a shiver. Gods, it’s cold out here. And I’m in fucking lingerie. Xaden notices and concern creases his brow.
“I’m a fool – I should have brought a fucking blanket. Can I warm you up? Are you…okay with that?” His knees are already spread, and he gestures for me to sit between them. I don’t hesitate to move, my back to his firm chest, hugging my knees tightly to my body. His arms wrap around me, hands rubbing to create warm friction. His chin rests on my head.
“You were so beautiful. Such a mess. Split lip, broken arm, bruised and beaten. Your hair was sticking out of your braid in every direction. Bloody from yourself, Mira, gods, I don’t even know. Wild and strong and brave and…sad. We stood just outside of the temple – you remember the temple there, near Draithus? Tairn, Andarna, and Sgaeyl were just beside us. Tairn looked like he wanted to eviscerate me, crush me into tiny bits, and then gag me up just to burn me too. And that was before we’d discussed breaking the mating bond. The priestess said the standard Tyrrish rites, our hands were bound. I placed that ring on your finger. And you kissed me.” He draws out that last sentence, lingering on that sweet moment. “You kissed me like you loved me more than life itself, more than Tairn and Andarna, more than anything and everything. You kissed me like you were never going to let me go. You kissed me like you knew you would have to let me go.” He takes a few slow breaths, then continues. “No, we didn’t consummate the marriage. I was fucking terrified of just kissing you at the temple. If you hadn’t stupefied me with that kiss, I certainly wouldn’t have initiated one myself. I didn’t trust myself at all. I barely touched your skin the whole ceremony, even when I put the ring on your finger.” He gently strokes the ring. “I have to say, it warms my cold, dead heart to see it still there.” I shove him in the gut with my elbow, hard.
“Fuck off. My husband’s heart is anything but cold and dead.”
“Mmm. Well. There’s not much to tell after that, at least as far as wedding festivities go. The rest of the night was mostly…miserable. We had a plan to settle and enact, and not a second to lose.” He won’t share anything else, not tonight, and we sit in silence.
“Thank you for telling me. I do wish I had been able to remember that, at least.”
“I promise you, if we ever get to consummate this –“
“When,” I insist.
“If and when we get to consummate this marriage, I won’t allow anyone to take that memory from you. And if…and when…we make it through this nightmare of a war, we will have another ceremony – a better one. Just us, if you want. Or with Mira and Brennan and Bodhi. Or hell, the whole damn kingdom, continent, whatever. I don’t care about any of it, except that it will be you and me, finally together.” My heart clenches at the thought, but I try to repress the hope threatening to bubble up. Gods, do I want that. Any version of that. And maybe I should let myself dream, give myself something to look forward to, to strive for. But I can’t bear to get my hopes up with no clear path there. I need to focus on the probabilities, not the possibilities. At least for now.
We sit there, nestled together against the cold, breathing the same air, for what feels like hours, or maybe only seconds. We have so much to talk about, so many things to work out, but all that matters in this moment is this moment. Our bodies, hearts, souls, together again at last. It isn’t enough. But it has to be enough, for now.
I start to notice a fine glow of yellow on the horizon and my heart sinks, realizing that Xaden can’t stay any longer. His quiet sigh tells me the same thought has crossed his mind. He pulls me to my feet and embraces me, leaving chaste kisses in my hair as though he just can’t help himself. Too soon, he pulls away, holding my chin, looking into my eyes.
“I love you, Violet Sorrengail. Please know that. Please never forget that. No matter what happens.”
I nod, and tears threaten to spill onto my cheeks. I sniff once.
My voice is quiet and ragged. “I love you, Xaden Riorson. I need you. Come back to me.”
He sighs, unwilling to make that promise. “Be safe. Check your windowsill often. I’ll leave you something soon.”
And with that, he pulls open the window and sees me back inside the relative warmth of the cold stone castle. When I turn to watch him leave, he is already gone, lost in the shadows.
I slowly pad back to my room, shaking from the cold or exhaustion or nerves or something else, I’m not sure. I fall into the warm down bed and quietly cry myself to sleep.