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His whole life, Kyuhyun’s been planning ahead. It’s something his father drilled into him. From the moment he was old enough understand, Kyuhyun’s been told that he needs to prepare for things and have goals to steer himself toward. A man who does not plan for his life, his father says, will most likely fail at anything he puts his hand to.
If there’s one thing Kyuhyun doesn’t do, it’s fail (well… not consciously anyway). Throughout his years in school, he meticulously organized his studies and social life down to the minutest detail, ensuring that his grades were always good enough for his father to relent and let him do the things he wanted, like be in a band. When he auditioned for SM Entertainment, Kyuhyun figured he had a pretty good shot and starting drafting up a list of arguments to persuade his father to let him run away to become an idol. When he joined Super Junior, and the members were so cold and unwelcoming, Kyuhyun quickly found out each of their weaknesses (pink stationery for Sungmin, cooking books for Ryeowook, really bad Disney movies for Donghae) and quickly worked out how to become indispensable.
He knows that he still has a few years yet before he needs to enlist in the army. That’s why he’s cramming every spare second not spent recording or performing with the rest of the group with musicals, or appearances on variety shows, or modeling for magazines, or singing songs for soundtracks. Every second must be accounted for, made proper use of. Even when Kyuhyun is seated in front of the computer, or hanging out with friends and swigging soju, his mind is wondering what to do next, what still needs to be accomplished. Two years out of the public eye mean he has to make sure he won’t be forgotten now.
Because of his plans, Kyuhyun is very certain of one thing: any sort of romance is out of the question. He doesn’t have time for it: the slow, nervous texting, the awkward silences during dates, the huge drama when he forgets an important event like a birthday or anniversary. He’s got enough to worry about without becoming entangled in someone else’s life. Besides, his schedules are so crazy, it just doesn’t seem practical trying to maintain a relationship. When he’s out of the army, Kyuhyun’s promised himself he’ll take a break and find a nice, normal person to fall in love with.
It’s safe to say that this particular matter with Jongwoon didn’t exactly figure in his detailed roadmap for his life. Kyuhyun was so convinced he wasn’t going to do anything stupid like this. There are so many logical arguments against falling in love and wanting to have someone pressed close to him at night, someone who would share all of Kyuhyun’s worries and joys, all his anxieties and dreams. Lovers like that are the stuff of romance novels and movies, though, and Kyuhyun tells himself he lives in the real world, where things don’t always work out so perfectly.
Kyuhyun always thought he could avoid being ensnared by something so inconsequential as affection. Jongwoon has burnt his best-laid plans to ashes and blown them to the winds.
All the while Kyuhyun’s been trying to keep himself uninvolved and disinterested, Jongwoon’s been winding him closer and closer, drawing Kyuhyun in deeper with his inane remarks about nothing, obsession with taking photographs of himself and his strange choice in pets. Plus, there’s the fact that they can talk for hours about everything and nothing. The most common topic of these conversations is what they both plan on doing in the weeks and months and years ahead. Like Kyuhyun, Jongwoon plans obsessively, — he has so many ideas sometimes Kyuhyun feels jealous he can’t come up with as many, but his envy is always replaced quickly by admiration — so they talk about the future long into the night, until the sun chases the darkness away and the birds start to sing. Sometimes, Kyuhyun is so tired he thinks he might fall asleep, but then Jongwoon nudges him and tells him to go to bed, they’ll continue another time, and Kyuhyun forces himself to stay awake because he can’t make himself leave Jongwoon yet.
Often Kyuhyun catches himself talking for several minutes without Jongwoon replying, something he doesn’t really do with the other members, even Ryeowook, and he catches Jongwoon just looking at him. Not saying anything, but just staring at him, a small smile on his lips while Kyuhyun tells Jongwoon about his day, or the latest musical role he’s auditioning for, what dramas he’s catching up with. Jongwoon’s eyes are so warm that Kyuhyun often has to look away in case Jongwoon sees him blushing. Afterwards he berates himself for being so weak, tells himself to ignore the butterflies fluttering around his belly, because it is stupid, so stupid, to let himself get caught up like this.
Kyuhyun doesn’t think he could stand not having Jongwoon around to listen to him whine about his day, or tell him about plans for a new cafe. He shares nearly every detail of his life with Jongwoon, and never feels as though he is giving too many secrets away, because Jongwoon is just as honest with him (well, he hopes Jongwoon is as honest with him). Without Jongwoon in the dorms, Kyuhyun feels a little empty each time he goes home at night, but he feels safe in the knowledge that they’ll have schedules together, and time for a chat afterwards, no matter how brief it might be.
Before they know it, Jongwoon has to enlist. The deadline weighs heavily on Kyuhyun’s mind; he’s always known how he was going to deal with being in the army. Jongwoon never factored in those plans, either. But now two years without Jongwoon around, without having his stupid, silly, ridiculous hyung around to scold and cajole and tease seems like an endless amount of time. Kyuhyun wakes one night — the night that Jongwoon moves out of the dorms — to realise that he can’t imagine his life without Jongwoon in it.
It is also then that Kyuhyun finally realises that Jongwoon has been sending him signals for the better part of five years. He remembers the hugs and seemingly random touches when Jongwoon sees that Kyuhyun is upset, recalls the way Jongwoon watches Kyuhyun when he listens to him rant, as though Kyuhyun is the most fascinating creature he’s ever seen. Thinks about how Jongwoon lets Kyuhyun’s head rest on his shoulder when all the members are piled into a minivan, going off to some taping, and Kyuhyun is tired from the constant schedules, the lack of sleep.
“Rest on me, Kyu.” Jongwoon says inevitably, after Kyuhyun struggles vainly to keep his eyes open. And Kyuhyun does, sometimes sleeping through Jongwoon’s silly vocal warm-ups only to wake and realise how close their hands are to each other, their fingertips almost brushing. How Jongwoon always pulls away if he thinks Kyuhyun notices. Sometimes when Jongwoon reaches out towards him during one of their late night talks — maybe to make a point, maybe just to reassure —, Kyuhyun’s heart skips a beat and it must show in his face, because Jongwoon snatches his hand back and pinches Kyuhyun’s cheek instead. A chummy gesture, his actions seem to say, there’s nothing more to read into it.
Almost too late, Kyuhyun understands what Jongwoon has being trying to say, what he has been too afraid to ask. But Kyuhyun is glad he’s finally aware of everything, even though it’s taken him so long.
This is why he barricades Jongwoon in his room (so empty now there’s only him in it, and Sungmin is down the hall) one night, after they’ve all finished yet another televised appearance. Jongwoon looks exhausted, dark shadows ringing his eyes, but he lets Kyuhyun drag him into his bedroom.
“Don’t let Jongwoon-hyung leave too late!” Ryeowook calls. He’s holding a steaming bowl of soup that smells heavenly and Kyuhyun’s stomach growls despite the late hour. “You know he needs his rest!”
Kyuhyun makes a face. Don’t you trust me with him? He thinks, is about to open his mouth and make some kind of sarcastic comment, but Jongwoon is tugging him away, pulling him towards the bedroom. They get in, and Kyuhyun shuts the door while Jongwoon sprawls on Kyuhyun’s messy, unmade bed.
“I thought that would never end,” Jongwoon groans, shutting his eyes. Kyuhyun hums in agreement, flops down next to him. He is happy to note that Jongwoon doesn’t pull away when their fingers touch. Kyuhyun decides he likes the sight of Jongwoon lying there on his bed, as though it’s the most natural place in the world for him to be (Kyuhyun thinks there’s not much wrong with that).
They lie there for a few minutes, comfortably silent, and then Jongwoon pokes Kyuhyun in the ribs, asks him to stop being such a space hog and share more of the bed. Kyuhyun pouts, moves over and grants him a minuscule amount of space. His heartbeat quickens when Jongwoon presses closer, says he’s very tired and can Kyuhyun please give him a bit more room because it’s late and he wants a rest, but he really should be going…
“You don’t have to, you know.” Kyuhyun wishes he didn’t sound like a scared little boy, so unsure of himself. A selfish bit of pride wants him to sound as cool and unruffled as possible, even though the thought of Jongwoon spending the night being so close to him is something that makes his insides twist with excitement.
“You don’t have to leave. Hyung could just stay here and tell me about his day. Or you could give me advice… I’m going to be doing another musical at the same time as SJM promotions. Why don’t you tell me what an idiot I’m being, trying to do so many things at once. Or, you know. We can just talk. Stay, Jongwoon-ssi. Please? For me?”
Jongwoon’s tired-looking eyes widen. He sits up in the bed, suddenly serious, his expression unreadable. Kyuhyun looks back up at him, fighting the rising panic in his chest.
Shit, he thinks. Brilliant plan, genius. Could you be anymore bossy? Why did you need to come on to him so strongly?
“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon starts. Stops. Takes a breath and tries again. “What’s changed? Is something wrong?”
He fingers find Kyuhyun’s, warm and reassuring. Without knowing why, or how it happens, Kyuhyun rearranges himself and winds up with his head resting on Jongwoon’s shoulder, a leg thrown over Jongwoon’s thighs. Like so many times before, Jongwoon reaches out and brushes a strand of hair out of Kyuhyun’s eyes, but before he can pull away, Kyuhyun grasps hold of Jongwoon’s hand, presses a kiss to the fingertips. Holds on tightly.
Jongwoon draws in a breath, Kyuhyun doesn’t look away, too captivated by the depth of Jongwoon’s brown eyes, what he’s been too oblivious to realise all this time. He tries a grin, hoping it will lighten the anxious mood that has fallen upon them.
“Nothing’s wrong. You’re always there for me, Jongwoon. I — ” Kyuhyun looks to the ceiling for inspiration. How does one go about things like confessions without being sick from all the saccharine sweetness?
“You let me tell you everything about my life, and you aren’t like one of those assholes who wants to give me advice about what I should be doing with my career and when. You… you just listen, hyung. You’re there when I need to scream and shout, when I want to cry because I haven’t slept for four days but I need to go onstage, or when I’m happy because I beat Minho at a videogame. You bother to find out what’s wrong when I’m grumpy and being asshole and everyone else doesn’t even want to look me in the eye because they think I’m ridiculous for throwing tantrums at my age… You bother to tell me to stop being such a shit. I — you just get me, hyung. I… I guess I kinda like that about you. A lot. And… and I’m sorry I never really told you how I felt, because I’ve been so busy making plans and shit, thinking I could untangle myself…”
“Untangle?” Jongwoon looks amused. He doesn’t pull away, which is a good sign. “What are you talking about?”
Kyuhyun curses under his breath.
“I mean, I thought I could get along fine without thinking about feelings, hyung. Romantic feelings. Not just being horny… although I guess sex kinda figures in it somewhere. Wait, no. I mean, I’m not saying that we couldn’t have sex, just that —”
Everything is going horribly, horribly wrong. Kyuhyun’s been rehearsing this moment for a week. Going over what he was going to tell Jongwoon, how he was going to say it. And now? Now his precious moment is falling to pieces because apparently he can’t control his mouth. This is so ridiculous. Cho Kyuhyun always plans ahead. He doesn’t get stumped by moments like this.
“Kyuhyun?” Jongwoon looks down at him. His smile is dazzling. “I think I understand what you’re trying to say.”
“Do you?” Kyuhyun blushes. Steels himself for the words he’s been dreaming up for days, thinking about how he’s seen this scene play out the dramas he’s watched on TV, how they are nothing compared to what’s happening right now.
“I need you in my life, hyung. I — I know you think it’s too soon for me to say I love you, and mean it. I’m not that cheesy. And I know you’re going away soon. But… well, you see —”
Jongwoon kisses him. Kyuhyun isn’t expecting to be kissed quite so fast, but Jongwoon is so unbelievably sweet, and his lips are so soft, that Kyuhyun feels himself surrendering, threading his fingers through Jongwoon’s thick, dark hair, revelling in the taste and the warmth and the proximity of him. How good, he thinks, it is to finally give in to the inevitable.
“Oh, Cho Kyuhyun.” Jongwoon says later, when they manage to pull themselves away for a moment. “I love you too, failed attempts at confessions and all.”
Kyuhyun punches him lightly on the shoulder, embarrassed. “Hyung!”
Jongwoon leans over, switches off the bedroom lights, but leaves the lamp on Kyuhyun’s bedside table on. “I’m not going anywhere just yet,” he tells Kyuhyun, already shrugging out of his clothes while Kyuhyun fumbles with his, flustered and joyous. “So let’s make the most of the time we still have right now.”
Maybe Jongwoon was an unexpected factor in his complex plans, but when Kyuhyun wakes in the morning, safely ensconced in the circle of Jongwoon’s arms, he knows he is more than happy at becoming entangled.