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when it costs too much to love

Summary:

After Arlong Park, Nami grieves. She also teaches her crewmates some basic seamanship, remembers her dream, and navigates the Going Merry to Loguetown.

aka a bit more in-depth look at Nami's recovery post-Arlong Park, and some hidden moments between canon.

Notes:

my first real planned multichapter! yayyy ^_^ title is from paper bag by fiona apple.

unbeta'd as always, lmk if you see any typos.

Chapter 1: nothing else i know how to do

Chapter Text

Nami has always loved shiny things. Bellemere tells her that once upon a time, "back when I was kicking ass with the Marines", she had an eyebrow piercing.

"But I had to take it out because someone," she says, her voice going up theatrically, "couldn't keep her little paws off of it!"

Nami and Nojiko think it's hilarious. And indeed, Nami still loves shiny things. It's a lifelong affliction. And it is her love of shiny things that lead her to her next obsession. She's four, she's at the age where kids go through strange phases. For Nojiko, she was obsessed with bugs. Any bug she found, she had to have it. Bellemere digs up a jar, and they have a new pet every week.

Bellemere takes them into town three times a week for school. Cocoyashi is a poor village. There's no schoolhouse, and not enough kids to fill it even if there was a schoolhouse. But there is Ms. Keiko and her small home. She has shelves of books and a love for kids. Kids of all kinds, no matter how dirty. Bellemere always brings Ms. Keiko tangerines, or bread, or a bouquet of wild flowers. The girls are allowed to borrow books from Ms. Keiko's library if they are very careful with them and make sure to bring them back. Nami likes Ms. Keiko - she always has an answer for every question, and knows the best games. One day, Ms. Keiko has something new on her wall. The morning sun watches them through the window, and Nami's eyes catch on something shiny.

"What is that?" Nami asks Ms. Keiko.

"That's a map of the East Blue," her teacher replies. The map is beautifully drawn. It's the largest piece of parchment Nami has ever seen, nearly as tall as her and wider than her arms could reach. A compass rose gleams, gold ink swirling around the four points. Dramatically interpreted Sea Kings lurk in the wide, pale blue expanses that surround a detailed body. Scores of ink drip down the topography, marking mountains, valleys, rivers, inlets. The cartouches around the border glimmer with promise, fantastic creatures and a few historical figures casting their eyes upon the house.

"The East Blue is the ocean where we live. There are four oceans total - the South Blue, East Blue, North Blue, and West Blue. This is the Conomi Islands, where we live." Ms. Keiko points to a small blip in a vast swathe of blue. Nami stares. The swirling letters are unfamiliar to her.

"But that's so small!" Nojiko pipes up. "Cocoyashi Village is HUGE! It takes me ages to run from our house to the sea!"

"The world is a big place," Ms. Keiko agrees. "Here, let's look at a map of just Kanranshi Island where we live."

Ms. Keiko retrieves a smaller piece of paper and lays it out on her kitchen table. Nami hurries to clamber up into a chair, peering over Ms. Keiko's arm. This map is much less ornate, but equally rich in information. Numbers scatter through the water, instead of Sea Kings. Faint navy arrows swim around Kanranshi. The compass rose is tucked modestly in a corner. Kanranshi is covered in layers and layers of ink, small symbols clustered together in small groups over the island. Thick veins of ink crawl across the land. Nami wants to touch it. She can practically feel the delicate ups and downs under her fingertips, wants to catch her nails on the small hills and valleys. She spies a familiar curve - the bay that Bellemere has taken them sailing in. It seems so small, here, even when the map only shows Kanranshi Island. Nami knows that they're not allowed to sail beyond the edges of the bay - Bellemere had taken them to the very edge, and told her that they wouldn't go any further. Nami has only ever seen the profiles of these cliffs.

This map shows her what is around that forbidden corner. Dark swirls of current streak by the edge of the bay, acquiescing to those very cliff faces and curling out towards the open ocean. Only a small eddy is left at the mouth of the bay. But should Nami venture further, she would find more than just those cliffs - there's a long shoreline downcurrent and smatterings of rock lurking underwater.

Ms. Keiko very kindly allows Nami to take the map home, that week, instead of a book.

Nojiko, ever patient, follows Nami around as they explore Kanranshi anew. They climb the veins, explore the triangles, stumble and trip down the rings of valleys and crawl up hills. Each little symbol means something new, and Nami finds out in the way she learns best - by running straight at it. Soon, they have reached the limits of what they can find by land. To sea, they must take.

Their adventures start as they usually do - asking Bellemere. Now, it normally would be a simple request. However, Bellemere has taken the two of them sailing before in the very bay Nami wants to explore again, and it had ended somewhat disastrously. Nami was too young to help with anything, and Nojiko bemoaned the lack of bugs. Although Bellemere was a skilled sailor hardened by her years in the Marines, two wiggly kids had proved an unforeseen challenge to her skills. They had gone out as far as Bellemere dared, before Nojiko fumbled the sheet and Nami nearly fell overboard. Bellemere doused their single sail, rowed the borrowed dinghy back into port, and sworn off sailing entirely. Nami's memory of the day is of those bright cliffs and the open water glittering in the sun. Nojiko fondly recalls the adventure as her first foray into responsibility, proof of her mother's sailing prowess that Nojiko would similarly display.

Bellemere, it seems, recalls the affair quite differently. Their request is met with an immediate refusal, followed swiftly by orders to inspect the orchard for weeds and a reminder that they have mulch to stir. It seems more extreme measures are necessary.

Nami and Nojiko have perfected the art of manipulating their mother. It requires a delicate touch. Nojiko will nonchalantly bring up the subject. Nami will coincidentally have cleaned their bedroom right before, or helped with weeding or harvesting. Nami will have had a dream about the thing the night beforehand and mention it, as if destined to make her dreams come true. Then they must let Bellemere simmer, chewing on the subtly introduced idea. The key, Nojiko tells Nami, is to make Bellemere think it's her idea.

Nami slips her map into Bellemere's morning paper. Nojiko tells Bellemere that she's considering becoming an angler. Nami gives Bellemere a drawing of a ship, eagerly explaining that she had dreamt of the high seas the night beforehand.

Bellemere sighs and wonders who could possibly help her with pumping water up from the well, because she needs to water the orchard. It's summer, and there hasn't been a thunderstorm in a few weeks. The orchard requires a lot of work, and Bellemere is only one person.

Nami and Nojiko step it up a notch.

They spent all day at the beach, faces pink with the sun when they slink home. Nojiko requests fish for dinner, even though she doesn't actually like it, so they have an excuse to go down to the docks. There, Nami spends her time conspicuously staring at the fishing boats that are docked. Bellemere, deep in conversation with the fishmonger, doesn't seem to notice. Nojiko finds a small crab, and Nami tries to feed it some seaweed. Bellemere is oblivious to their machinations, it seems.

"Tomorrow is going to be a long day!" Bellemere reminds the girls over dinner. Nojiko has eaten her fish, even though she hadn't really wanted to. Nami pokes at her own fish. She likes fish, but this just tastes like disappointment. Bellemere insisted that since Nojiko wanted it so bad, she and Nami could split it - Bellemere only has some miso soup for dinner, and some tangerines.

"We've got so much to do around here! Lots of pruning, lots of weeding. I'd like to water the orchard again - it's been so dry out recently! It'll be busy for sure... I'm sure glad you girls are here to help out. I would have my hands full, otherwise!"

Nojiko and Nami sigh. Their efforts were for naught.

The next morning, Nami wakes up and wanders into the kitchen. Bellemere is there already, dressed and with a small canvas bag. Nojiko is wearing a wide-brimmed hat and a huge grin.

"You ready, Nami?" she grins, cigarette hanging from her mouth. Nami squints.

"Ready?"

"We're going sailing!"

The wind is fair and the seas are calm, and Nami is out on the water again. She's big enough now to help with rigging the sail, a small lateen, Bellemere calls it. Nojiko sits at the tiller while Nami is on the sheet. Bellemere shows them how to find the wind direction and how to move the boat accordingly. The sail fillswith wind and soon they are whipping across the water. The sun glitters and Nami feels like she's full of wind, like she's so happy she could fly away at any second. Bellemere shows them how to tack, and soon they are beating upwind towards the mouth of the bay. Nami fumbles for her map, tucked safely inside her jacket, and watches the profiles of the cliffs come to face her directly. The shore that the map indicates is there, but it's even more beautiful than the map shows. They land, and haul the boat out of reach of the water. The map doesn't show all the cool rocks Nami climbs, or the crabs Nojiko gets pinched by, or the nice, shady spot that they find for a picnic. But Nami knows that they are there, now. She wonders what other secrets that the map isn't showing her.

Nami counts her steps home that night, and wonders if she could draw her own map. She's never thought about it. How many steps would it take her to get to Ms. Keiko's house? To the ocean? How big is Bellemere's tangerine orchard? How could she draw crabs on a map?

As she gets older, Nami starts to keep track of these things. She measures her life in steps, until Ms. Keiko introduces her to meters, and Bellemere tells her to use fathoms. Bellemere's orchard is about 8 fathoms by 76 fathoms. The walk from their house to Ms. Keiko's is 1943 fathoms. Nami starts keeping track of these numbers, and adding them to her maps. Merchants arrive in town, and Nami starts counting her steps into town with Bellemere.

Nami isn't particularly interested in the wares Bellemere is looking at - Bellemere is interested in tobacco leaves and herbs. Nothing shiny. But she does recognize the print on the paper that Bellemere hands to the merchant.

"100 beri," she reads from her position clinging to Bellemere's leg. Bellemere puts a hand on Nami's head.

"Yup, I've got 6 of these. That makes...?"

"600 beri." Nami's no slouch at math. It's one of her favorite subjects.

"And your total is 550 beri," the merchant tells Bellemere, catching on.

"So you get 50 beri back!" Nami shouts. The merchant hands Bellemere a single, gleaming coin. As the merchant bows her head slightly, Nami's eyes catch on the earrings that dangle from her ears. They are made of some kind of glittering jewel, small but graceful.

"Got it in one, kiddo! I bet 50 beri is enough for one of those fried dough things over there. Let's go see. Say thank you to Ms. Nakamura!"

"Thank you Ms. Nakamura," Nami dutifully recites, eyes catching again on the earrings she wears. Bellemere tosses the coin to Nami. Nami stares at the small circle of metal and the delicate lettering declaring it a 50 beri piece. It's shiny and solid, and sits in her palm rather innocuously. At Bellemere's urging, she hands the coin over, and in return receives a delicious hunk of sweet bread big enough that she needs two hands to hold it. It's hot and delicious and Nami scarfs it down. And now her hands are empty.

"You ate that pretty fast, kid!"

"It was sooo good! I want another."

"Well you'll need another 50 beri."

Nami checks her pockets. She looks around to see if anyone has dropped anything. She looks back up to Bellemere.

"Where can I get more beri?"

Bellemere laughs.

"Well they certainly don't grow on trees. Beri are currency. You know how we usually trade with our neighbors? We can also give and receive beri. They represent value. So all this tobacco," Bellemere shows her the bag of fragrant leaves, "is worth the 550 beri that I paid Nakamura. If I wanted to give Nakamura 550 beri in tangerines, I would give her, let's say, a basketful. But they might spoil, or Nakamura might not like to eat tangerines. So if I give her beri instead, she can keep that value, and spend it on other things."

"But it's just paper," Nami says. She did really like that 50 beri piece - it was quite shiny - but she liked that sweet bread a lot too. But, she thinks, looking at her hands, it's gone now. If she had kept that beri piece, she would still have it.

"Yeah, it's a bit silly," Bellemere is saying. "But people trust that a beri today will be worth a beri tomorrow. Tangerines can get eaten or go bad."

Nami thinks of all the things she wants. More maps and charts, shiny ones like the one Ms. Keiko has. A real sailing boat, not just the one Bellemere borrows from Akane-neesan, the fisherwoman. The beautiful earrings that Nakamura wore so casually.

And so Nami starts to count money.