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Everything happened quick, way too quick.
Chuuya was left staring at his car that has just blown up, his hat long forgotten on the ground because his mind was frozen in pure shock, eyes wide.
It was all right after a call from Mori; Dazai is nowhere to be found.
So Chuuya looked everywhere, it's not something he'll ever admit though. He searched through the city day and night without rest, without going to work, he wouldn't even think about any kind of food or drink unless it was Kouyou who called from a private number to remind him - a way she was forced to use because Chuuya had hopes it was Dazai with every single unnamed call.
Chuuya gave up. After a week but he gave up. Dazai is dead, isn't he? That's the only thing Chuuya could assume, no matter how many times he called, texted or how throughly he searched every little corner in Yokohama he couldn't find him.
Of course there was also no corpse or a whereabout of Dazai either but the only thing he could think about was Dazai successing in one of his most recent suicide attempts - after all even Dazai's shipping container was clean, nothing was missing either except for Dazai himself. And after all his partner couldn't betray him, right?
Chuuya sat in his own bedroom where Dazai's scent still lingered for some reason, he let Dazai stay over quite a lot despite hating each other's guts, he opened a bottle of the most expensive wine named "Petrus" and drank. A "celebration" that's what he called it, after all he wanted Dazai gone all along.
"I hate you, you bastard." Was the first thing Chuuya texted Dazai after that week of calls and texts.
One singular text of Dazai's was still visible without scrolling up. "Slug is so mean!" it said. Right after all they had a fight before Dazai disappearing, they had fights all the time! It was more of a bickering most of the time.
But what if that fight was the final push for Dazai? after all not so long ago he lost a friend. The thought haunted Chuuya ever since he got to know Dazai was gone.
"I'm sorry" Was the next text but after a couple of more sips of wine, the text was quickly deleted though and replaced with a text cursing Dazai out for leaving.
Chuuya went to sleep late at night. He didn't have to keep a strict schedule since Kouyou got him a couple of weeks off from work, though right now he needed distraction more than ever Ane-san said it's for his good so he just agreed. He had no strength to even argue.
Every single notification and call jolted him awake in hopes it was Dazai, it's not like he wanted him back after all he hated him it was just the fondness that grew for Dazai through those years that made him care so much. Nothing more.
"If you plan on leaving then at least get out of my head too, you waste of bandages." An insult he have never used before.
Chuuya's days felt like a loop, every day the same ever since Dazai was gone. No more annoying texts, no more annoying calls, no more pranks, no more unannounced visits. There was nothing. It wasn't that he liked those because he resented them but ever since Dazai was gone it was just empty. Sometimes he caught himself missing them, wishing that Dazai's antics were back but as quickly as the thought came he made it go just as quickly. He couldn't believe he missed those.
During one of the days, he missed count by now because every day was the same, during any chore he did every day he felt his eyes sting and his throat tighten, then familiar wetness on his cheeks and then a taste for tears on his lips as an involuntary gasp for air left his lips. He quickly wiped off his tears because he couldn't cry after someone if he hated them but just more tears spilled, he retreated to his bedroom sobbing without any way of stopping, ugly crying to the point just hearing it made him more upset. The last time he cried like this was when the flags were murdered by Verlaine. Chuuya and grief are a close friend, aren't they?
A couple of days in this consuming grief and now Chuuya understood why Kouyou made him take that time off from work. Everything was a mess and if not for Ane-san coming in almost every day he'd probably die consumed in this grief. Last time wasn't that bad but maybe that's because Dazai's annoying self was around, even if he was annoying his presence somehow helped back then.
"I wish you could come back" Chuuya sent as his eyes scanned on his previous angry messages he left almost every hour before the grief hit him so suddenly - he didn't even remember when he sent those.
"If you come back I'll kill you myself." followed right after.
Chuuya's mind reeled, was Dazai really gone? He couldn't accept that. He couldn't accept that his partner was gone. Yes he found Dazai during his suicide attempts multiple times, he found Dazai harming himself multiple times too but he always found him. Dazai always was somewhere even if it was his half conscious body. He always at least told him between the lines that he'll attempt again or so something stupid and yet this time there was nothing just a cold and empty shippping container that was neat and clean with everything in place.
Days turned into weeks, Chuuya came to terms with the loss of his partner he was supposed to resent, that he was supposed to treat like his rival or enemy but came close with - he shouldn't have. He should've suspected Dazai would leave eventually and shouldn't get attached but honestly who wouldn't. They were closer to being lovers than to being rivals now that he looked at it, they just never treated it like something important, never announced it. He wished they did so he could grieve like a lover without it feeling weird.
Dazai's inbox became a place where Chuuya talked to Dazai or more like told him about his days, his feeling and his plans without ever getting an answer - he stopped expecting one but still hoped for one.
"I met a little boy today on a mission, he reminded me of you. I know you'd hate him but he's a great kid. I let Ane-san take him in." Chuuya sent one day.
"I've been assigned a new partner but I declined, I think you'd do the same." Chuuya sent the other.
"I took your stuff in to my house because Mori wanted the shipping container for actual shipping, I hope you won't be mad."
"It have been 6 months since you left. They've never found your body.. I wonder where did you commit, you found a good hiding spot to not be saved this time.. You always were a master in those matters"
Those texts graced Dazai's inbox between the long boring paragraphs of Chuuya's repetetive days.
There were also worse days where Chuuya couldn't get up from the bed, where grief came back hitting him like a truck. Sometimes Chuuywa was so sleep deprived to the point he hallucinated Dazai staring at him on the side of his bed or hugging him until he slept but he never spoke a word - just stared at him creepily, Chuuya refused to acknowledge those were just hallucinations. It was better for his mental health to not acknowledge those. At some points his mind wandered, he was so out of it he didn't realize his actions until one of his subordinates or Kouyou found him hidden in the room he put all of the stuff Dazai owned, with self harm wounds somewhere on him but typically on his arms, sometimes burn marks and sometimes cuts but the same methods Dazai used. It usually happened whenever he rethought every time he found Dazai, every time he had to patch him up or even call over Mori whenever Dazai's state was really bad. He knew Dazai probably hated him even more for calling the boss over but Chuuya cared too much about Dazai, he just refused to acknowledge it back then. Even if Chuuya really wasn't thought about as a sensitive man, as a man who would grieve over someone so much but he really was he just never showed it, not even Dazai knew him from this side - he could've just suspected so after the flags died, then Chuuya too dipped into the grounds of harming himself.
Yet no matter how bad his days got Chuuya always left at least one or two text in Dazai's inbox. The worst days were in anniversaries of Dazai's death when he lost himself in countless drinks wishing Dazai was there with him yet during normal days he came to terms with the loss. After a year it wasn't all consuming so much even if he missed him, even if he cried after him during some days. Chuuya was able to live with the loss like a normal human being, he learned to accept it just like with the flags.
And yet there he was again, mind frozen in all consumind shock, eyes wide. Two years and a half after Dazai's so called "death". Staring at Dazai that was alive with his new partner both being from the Armed Detective Agency currently on a mission, fighting Chuuya's subordinates as he was supposed to step in but he was just standing there frozen at the man who he thought was dead. At the man that he now knew betrayed him. At the man who now had a whole new partner, whole new community, whole new look and behavior.
He felt a small spark that yet still remained but replaced by the absolute feeling of betrayal, he fled the fight scene he was meant to step into and out drinking. He left one last message in Dazai's inbox that said "How could you, you cruel bastard. Even a small note would do you know I would keep my mouth shut." and never texted him again since that time. He went on with his life with anger and feeling of betrayal just building up more in his chest every day. He still loved him, yes, but he refused to acknowledge it again, he doubted he'll have a chance to even talk to him again anyways.