Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It starts out quiet. That itself wouldn't mean anything, with neighbors like SpongeBob & Patrick it was only a matter of time before they destroyed what little peace he could get. Squidward stretches his tentacles, rising up out of his bed. At the very least if he was lucky he'd get a chance to have a nice shower or a bath if he wanted to be daring.

Ugh. He grimaced remembering the few times those two imbeciles walked straight into his bathroom whilst he was bathing.
.... Wait how did those two even get in there anyway? They were outside and then somehow at the turn of his head they. Nevermind. Forget it. It's pointless trying to apply logic to anything those two do. From becoming ghosts to somehow discovering the lost city of Atlantis, at this point should he be surprised?

Contemplating these thoughts, he headed to his bathroom. He decided to be daring and risk the longer bath. A handsome octopus such as himself deserved a nice treat every once and a while. He'd use those new essential oils he bought too! Running some warm water he gathered his usual bath arrangements. It was his off day, he was going to take care of himself, Neptune be darned!

Time passed as he bathed and yet... Still no sign or sound from those two. Could it be? Those two found something better to do than stick around their houses? Squidward felt a little spark of creativity. If his hunch was right then this would be a great time to get some art done, maybe even peruse the books he had yet to read.

Ah this is great! No SpongeBob, no Patrick! He thought with a smile.

He got out of the bath and dried himself with a pep in his step. He brushed his teeth, did his daily skin care routine and posed gracefully for the mirror. Oh don't I look good? He thought with the smuggest grin imaginable. It's just a shame that this town doesn't have any taste at all.

Finishing up he walked downstairs ready to make a quick breakfast and then get straight to business. He had his tea, ate his breakfast and yet still.. No sign of those two. Hah! Of course always being around those two he'd be on edge of it all going wrong. That's what it was. He didn't miss them. Not at all!

He set up his easel, brushes and paints. Squidward supposed he'd just start with a nice warm-up piece. Something he could finish quickly before dedicating himself to a bigger piece. While gathering what colors he wanted to use he thought about what those two might be doing. It was just strange to not see them, is all. Perhaps they went jellyfishing or maybe even went to attend their MermaidMan & BarnacleBoy fan club. "I wonder what Gary's up to?" He thought out loud. Now Gary wasn't as bad as his foolish yellow owner but he had a habit of trespassing. Even still he had some respectful for the little snail. It must take a strong snail to have to live and deal with SpongeBob. He laughed his iconic laugh at that thought. Then he went quiet, still absentmindedly painting. It was a long quiet. No thoughts for a good minute until a cursed thought made it to his head. I hope I see those two idiots soon. He groaned shaking his head. "What am I doing thinking about those two boob, I've finally got peace and quiet and I'm squandering it! With those two out of the way I got the time to make something trul- AHHHHHH!!"

He took a look at the painting as he said that and what he saw was truly a horrifying sight. The whole time he ended up painting a picture of SpongeBob & Patrick.

Chapter Text

Don't ask how this happened. Why he even accepted. Somehow Squidward was going to see a movie with... eugh SpongeBob and Patrick.

The only thing that eased the situation was that it was free. Although Squidward would argue that having to hang out with these two is work he should be paid for. The movie theater isn't crowded at all, probably because it's both still light outside and there aren't any especially exciting movies. Yes.. Right the movie they're going to see. It's some silly animated movie, not even the artsy kind with a thought provoking storyline. From the trailer he watched it seemed like the kind of movie that of-course SpongeBob and Patrick would like. At least this place had good popcorn...

As they stood at the inside of the theater SpongeBob turned toward Squidward and beamed at him. "Aren't you excited Squidward?! I'm so excited! Me and Patrick have been waiting for this movie to come out for months! YEAH!" As if that wasn't bad enough Patrick also let out an annoying "YEAH!"

"Oooooh yes I sure am excited for...." He forgot it already. He glanced around the theater for some sort of advertisement of it. Thankfully he found it quickly enough for it to not be too awkward a pause. Not like the two would care. "Mr. Crawdaddy"s house."

"That's the spirit Squidward!" The pink fool said while patting him too roughly on the back.

Squidward stood to the side while the two paid for their tickets and bought the drinks and snacks. He decided to play a little game in his head and guess which movies the various fish at the theatre chose to watch. It amused him for a bit, he probably looked a little weird just standing there and laughing to himself. Oh well even if anyone could hear his quips and comments it's not like the people of Bikini Bottom would get real jokes. He'd seen the kind of stuff they laugh at from the few talent shows they held at the Krusty Krab.

"Alright C'mon Squidward, we don't wanna miss out on all the cool trailers and advertisements!" SpongeBob said while both he and Patrick grabbed and pulled at his tentacles. It's like I'm being dragged to Davy Jones' locker. Squidward accepted his fate and let them drag him into the screening room.

As he was dragged to his seat, he glanced around at the type of people who'd come to see this kind of movie. Of course.. A few families and some fish by themselves, either too embarrassed to go with a friend or be seen watching this or they didn't have anything better to do. If Squidward was caught here by someone whose opinion mattered to him he'd probably pick the latter option.

The trailers start and the two begin whispering their thoughts. "Wow they sure are making so many sequels nowadays! It does look interesting though, don't you agree Patrick?" "Yeah! Who doesn't want to see more of them, I liked the wacky talking seahorse sidekick!" Squidward laughed to himself. Of course these two would eat up movies like that, look at the movie they're here to see now..

"Wow I know that guy I know that guy!" "Quiet Pat! And yeah I remember him too, he's in a lot of movies now." SpongeBob then poked Squidward's arm.

"WHA-What?" Squidward said almost a little too loudly at first.

"Don't fall asleep before the movie starts silly! We were asking what you thought of that actor?" SpongeBob giggled.

Thought? He thought very little of that actor. Everything he starred in was of little interest to him. "He's OK."

SpongeBob replied a "Haha yeah!" before turning back to Patrick.

It felt like this went on for hours before finally the lights dimmed and soon enough the movie was starting. This was going to be terrible. Which turned into This is terrible as he watched the movie's intro.
The main character is a childish mid 30 year old crayfish, clearly meant to be relatable to the child audience. He wants to show his sister and brother-in-law that he can be responsible watching his niece and nephew. A plain and boring storyline.

Of course that's what he thought at first. He hated to admit it but he laughed a bit. Not as much as the folks around them but sometimes Squidward could admit he wasn't immune to dumb humor. Doesn't mean it was good. At best he'd say maybe this movie was like trashy food. Terrible for you, not that great tasting but you still go back to it. Maybe it was like Mr. Krab's weird love for chum. Yeah that's it. Wait that makes it seem like a guilty pleasure, he doesn't like this.

Okay maybe it's like that time he tried the krabby patty. Pretty great but still probably terrible for you in many ways. He was enjoying this movie. It's so stupid. One of the jokes was 'You're not a crayfish you're just a crazyfish!' It wasn't at all a good line but he still laughed. He justified it in his head. Actually it was probably a realistic line for a kid to say. He'd admit that. The dialog was "realistic" doesn't mean it was good.

He glanced around the theater. Everyone was happily and quietly watching the movie. It wasn't like this when he went to the theaters. He'd seen many fish fiddle with whatever they brought, openly talk and just in general dirty up the theater. Out of all the times for the movie going experience to be great it was for this movie... this slop?!

The movie continued on. It reached that point where there was a big fall out. Mr. Crawdaddy's sister caught him at a bad time, witnessing him and his niece and nephew in a seemingly dangerous scenario. "Noooo!!" Patrick said as it happened. "It was a misunderstanding! He was trying to save them, they did this on their own!" He was pretty much explaining the plot at this point. Squidward almost wanted to tell him to shut up but he realized maybe that'd make it seem like he really wanted to hear this. He'd never felt so conflicted. This was a stupid children's comedy but he was enjoying? He was enjoying a movie SpongeBob & Patrick were so excited to see. He.... was enjoying his time with SpongeBob & Patrick? No! It's because they were more quiet than usual that he could just ignore them being here.

Eventually the niece and nephew would come up with a plan to show that their uncle was a responsible adult. At the beginning of the movie they had thought he was nothing more than a weirdo crazy fish but they eventually got the point where they genuinely began to love him. The uncle they rarely saw. It was amazing how believable their change of heart felt. Squidward had already admitted defeat. Whoever made the trailer for this film should be fired. They made it out to be a dumb forgettable film but there was a gem hidden in plain sight.

The end approached and Squidward was crying. Just a little. Not a lot. He was appreciating the artistry at hand. Soon the credits began rolling and they walked out of the room. SpongeBob and Patrick turned to him and said "Wasn't that great Squidward?" "Yeah! I loved the wacky pet worm."

He looked at the two of them. He thought about how he should reply.

"That was downright *the* most terrible film I've ever had the displeasure of seeing. If you guys ever plan on seeing another film like this kindly DON'T invite me!"

That made them quiet. They just looked at each other for a few seconds before replying "Gee Squidward was it so bad you started crying?" If that came from anyone besides Patrick, they might've been mocking him but with Patrick he was probably being genuine. "Aw I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the movie Squidward, but at least you had a great time hanging out with your friends right?" SpongeBob smiled expectantly.

"No."

Chapter Text

Whenever Squidward had free time he'd always make good use of it, especially in times when his two neighbors were away. He'd play the clarinet, add another layer of paint to a canvas or make a cup of tea and enjoy some television. However today Squidward decided he'd dedicate some time toward browsing the internet. It wasn't something he did often, he considered himself an old-fashioned squid in that regard, preferring to read the news on paper and learn the latest tips and gossip in magazines. Though it didn't hurt to go online and browse a community of like-minded individuals.

Today Squidward would post an old art piece of his he felt suited today usually paired with a quote he liked. Sometimes if he was feeling up to it he'd share a photo of the tea and talk a bit about the show he watched alongside it. Usually some variation of "They really don't make masterpieces like this nowadays!" Just a few minutes after posting the art piece his shellphone buzzed with notifications. He smiled at this, of course the people here knew true art.

When he actually looked at the notification his smiled lowered, "SpongeBob..." he said in an annoyed tone. Even online he couldn't escape him but at least he was somewhat tolerable here. A comment on his post would only seek to boost it's spread or at least that's how Squidward came to understand it. He was an artist not a tech guy.

"Wow Squidward what a lovely painting and what a wonderful quote to start the day!" was all SpongeBob had commented. He wouldn't dignify that with a reply but he'd at least like it.

Immediately after he got more notifications. Mostly just likes from his followers and strangers who'd gotten the post on their feed. Sure he could mute out those notifications but he enjoyed knowing that his post was getting some attention. Not as much as he felt he deserved but... patience Squidward he told himself.

"Awsom squiggly linez Squidword!" If he didn't know that that was Patrick he'd might've taken it as an insult.... Actually he kind of still does.

If it weren't for the fact that those two always shared and commented on his posts, he might've just outright blocked them. Somehow those two had more followers than him which he thought was ridiculous before remembering the kind of world he lived in. The kind of world that'd cheer on SpongeBob mopping a stage... At the very least if those two were gonna bother him online at least he'd get something out of it, that being more eyes on his work.

Squidward put his phone down and began to make himself some tea. He decided he'd spend this day relaxing and watching some TV. There'd be nothing new on but at the very least he'd catch some reruns of his old favorites. Perhaps The Golden Gils? Some Fab and Fancy? Still can't believe they cancelled that one.., maybe even House Fancy? He smiled thinking of that show, he may have had his entire house get destroyed but he still got a win over Squilliam. He had to stay over at SpongeBob's for a bit but a victory was still a victory.

After his tea had finished brewing, he grabbed his glass and made way to his couch to watch a bit of television. He did a bit of channel surfing before settling on one show and then got out his shellphone and took a photo of his tea. He figured he might as well give his online audience another gift while he was at it. The gift being his thoughts on an old sitcom.

"So true Squidward! It's so great we share a love of the same show, maybe you and I should have a watch party haha!" Squidward laughed at that. A watch party with SpongeBob? He couldn't think of a bigger waste of time! ...Still he liked the comment.

"And me too! I wanna come!" Patrick replied to SpongeBob. Squidward just looked at the screen with an annoyed expression. The way things ended up for him... Somehow in his future he was going to end up having a watch party with those two. No matter how badly he tried to get away from them he always ended up back to them.

Another notification but this time he was apparently tagged in a post... by SpongeBob. He mentally prepared himself for whatever nonsense he was going to see.

It was a photo of him, SpongeBob, Sandy and Patrick. A smile on SpongeBob, Sandy and Patrick's face and the opposite of that on Squidward's. The capture SpongeBob included read:
"Some of the bestest friends you can have down in Bikini Bottom!" Squidward didn't even remember when and where that photo was taken but he didn't hate it. In fact it was a good photo, a good photo to show what how photogenic he was. Compared to them he looked amazing so course he shared that photo on his feed. It was only for those reasons and not because a small tiny microscopic fragment of himself felt happy seeing that photo.

Squidward would spend the rest of that time watching and drinking his tea thinking about how much better he looked in that photo and nothing else.

Chapter Text

"Squidward! Just the fella I was looking for!" Sandy says with a raised hand.

Squidward groans a bit. While not annoying like SpongeBob or Patrick, he's had his fair share of bad experiences hanging around the squirrel and her experiments. "Sandy. What can I do for you?" He replied.

"You're an artist ain't ya?" With those words said Squidward's eyes widened a bit from their tired and bored look. "Well here's the thing, I'm in need of your expertise!"

Squidward's expression turned smug. "Ah yes, of course. Glad to see you recognize a true artist when you see one." His smile lingered for a bit before he thought about it more. "...Well what's the catch?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"There's no way you'd just want to paint or whatever, there's something to this like somehow I'll end this with my brain linked to a computer."

Sandy laughed. "Brain linked to a computer? That's just silly! There's lots more interesting to do with a brain but that's not what this about." Squidward was very happy she didn't elaborate on the interesting things to do with a brain. "You see I've come across some old paints and just wanted to do a few experiments with them."

"That's it?" Squidward replied kind of shocked. "You're not going to use a machine to go inside me again or use a weird ray gun on me?"

"Yep, that's all! I just want ya to paint."

"Really?"

"Yep!"

"...Are you sure?"

"Of course! .......Well."

"What?"

"....Aw shucks well you know how it is with old paints. They're old so... y'know they're all really toxic."

"Toxic?!" Squidward yelled. Of course. There's always a catch, nothing can ever be nice, simple and easy.

"Of course I'll provide you with all the right equipment. As long as we practice basic safety procedures we'll be fine!"

Against his better judgement Squidward replies "...Fine. At least it'll just be us and not those two idiots."

Immediately after he said that Sandy's expression became a little nervous.

"...You invited them too didn't you?"