Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Of course I still love you.

Lucy had hoped for such words when he left her alone with a shattered heart in the parking lot. She had needed to know that he still loved her when he ripped himself out of her life, claiming he is unable to give her what she wants. She needed to know he still loved her when life seemed to continue on while every night she was back in that parking lot thinking everything they built was destroyed because his love for her disappeared as the world went dark.

And now…

Despite what Lucy had said, she still needed him. There were parts of her that wanted to hate how Tim’s confirmation had pleased something broken in her- it was her mind mostly keeping her from accepting, reminding her how quickly he threw that same love away. But it was her heart- her still wounded heart that felt just a little less broken knowing that she meant something to him. For the shortest second she would let herself feel how his six words warmed her in a way the fire didn’t.

But soon that second would be gone and she would be forced to remember the reality of their situation. She was trying to survive.

They would survive, she had thought so. It wouldn’t matter what she said, whether she confirmed or denied that she felt the same. Of course she still loved him too but there would be other times to discuss that. This is not how Lucy had planned for them to tell each other those words again- it is not long that she had even let herself believe that they could ever reach that place again. But she was getting there- she had started having hope in them again, she was finding ways to forgive him little by little until…

Do you?

Maybe she should’ve told him then. There would never be a perfect time, especially with them. Maybe she should’ve said that her feelings hadn’t changed but she would still need more time because despite how much she does still need love, they both still needed to heal. Instead, Lucy wouldn’t say any of that, not even a simplified version that would at least allude to it, but she stubbornly chose to believe that this would not be the end, they would have other chances. And that is when she would tell him that yes- she loved him too .

That was the right way that they should be doing this. She believed that, they would figure it out later because there would be a later.

Or did she just lose out on the chance to tell the most important person in her life that despite everything, she couldn’t stop herself from loving him even with a wounded heart he caused by his own self destruction.

Was it too late now?

…

Things had gone back to normal after they both got discharged from the hospital. Well, as normal as it can get with the aftermath of a devastating fire and a confession from Tim while trapped in said fire- a confession that neither of them had brought up after the fires were done.

My priorities were already clear.

Lucy had admitted that she thought they were going to die out there for a second- she admitted that she got some clarity- she admitted that she had been thinking about taking the Sergeant’s exam…but she hadn’t admitted the other thing. There was no need to, she told herself, because they had made it out, they were fine and very much still alive with time left just like she had believed.

But then Tim had said the thing. Neither had made any mention of Tim’s confession or Lucy’s lack of response to it. And then he said it and all of a sudden Lucy could feel the fire again- his priorities were already clear and she knew exactly what they were, or perhaps more specifically who he referred to. Lucy hadn’t been watching him when he had said it but she saw through the corner of her eyes how Tim kept his eyes on her as he said it. They were full of hope and love that he had just confessed to still having and it dimmed in a second when, again she didn’t respond because it still wasn’t their time yet.

Part of her had felt guilty, watching Tim put back on a smile and get excited for her while offering to help her with the Sergeant exam. Maybe she should’ve just told him what he wanted to hear, but that wouldn’t be fair to him either. Tim had been doing everything to be fully there for her and be honest about how he feels and he deserves the same from her and not something she can’t fully mean yet. They had time, Lucy had reminded herself even long after the conversation was over and she was now the one stealing glances at him. Something- she is not sure what- wanted him to turn around and catch her staring and then maybe if he looked at her long enough he would see what she cannot let herself say just yet.

That didn’t happen but she still threw another glance in his direction, not fully for him to notice but for her to see him and surprisingly- or maybe unsurprisingly crack a small smile knowing the man beside her had admitted to still loving her. And Lucy…well, she had her own priorities to focus on too.

Like Tim had reminded her, if she passes the Sergeant’s exam he would no longer be her supervisor. Though this was not the reason Lucy had decided to take the exam, it was a nice added bonus that would help them out when they finally get there.

When she passes the Sergeant’s exam. When she finally fully forgives him. When she will tell Tim that she is still in love with him. When they both have fully healed. And when they are back to being two people who love each other…together.

Because they would get there. She was really starting to believe that again.

“Just heard back from Grey that our new shop should be waiting outside” Lucy is pulled out of her thoughts once Tim returned to her side. “Everything ok?” he asked, furrowing his brows as his eyes scanned her as though looking for hidden scars under all the dirt. Lucy is not sure exactly what expression her face had been showing- shock, confusion, flustered- whatever it was she had covered it quickly with something more neutral but not quick enough given the worried look Tim was still giving her.

“I’m fine” Lucy said softly but with enough conviction that hopefully Tim would know she was being genuine. His eyes would scan her face one more time, not necessarily looking for those hidden scars but something else, that unspoken connection they usually had.

“I don’t think I’m going to go back to the station just yet” Lucy said, breaking whatever connection had been building, tearing her gaze away from him long enough that he wouldn’t see what he had been looking for. Though that is all she had wanted earlier, Lucy is not sure she is ready for what those unspoken words would reveal to both of them. “With everyone going after Glasser, that leaves Celina by herself to look over the auditorium filled with civilians, she could probably use the help” she explained unprompted.

“Ok” Tim nodded. “I’ll radio us in and have Grey know we’ll be taking over the auditorium until more units clear up” he had already reached for his radio before heading to the driver’s side, not seeing how Lucy paused at her door.

“Oh- uh I actually meant that…I would do this alone” Lucy clarified, feeling awkward at the misunderstanding. Tim had always been good at masking what emotions he was really feeling but he had not been quick enough for Lucy not to see. First it had been shock, his eyes widened as his eyebrows shot up slightly before pulling down, then there was realization as his eyes darted slowly and then all of that stopped and his eyes remained fixed but…warring something internally. Embarrassment- regret- hurt- given how fast it passes Lucy is not entirely sure which one it was exactly, just knowing it left her with some guilt.

“The station is already stretched out thin and could probably make good use of any additional units” Lucy reasoned, knowing that Tim would fill out the blanks of what she was not saying directly. It was hard to keep eye contact, not wanting to see the way his eyes were downcast as everything she hadn’t said sank in and she didn’t want the chance for him to be able to see the spiral that was going on behind her eyes. But Lucy never looked away, letting their eyes linger while her guilt built.

“I will be fine” Lucy assured him, taking in a deep breath as Tim swallowed before stepping into the shop. Tim hadn’t said it- but she didn’t need him to, he was worried and still was even after her reassurance given how his fingers tapped the steering wheel impatiently. “Most of the fires have been put out and the auditorium is far from any danger so- we were in a literal fire, a little community work is quite safe” she tried to reassure him again as she finally entered the shop.

“Just….” a deep sigh from Tim had Lucy face him. He had been quiet ever since they left the hospital parking lot but now looking at Tim- really looking at him, Lucy saw the way his eyes darted, his hands lifting slightly from the steering wheel as he struggled to find his words.

“Just call me if…if anything happens” Tim’s voice went uncharacteristically quiet for anyone who is not familiar with the side he shows to very few people. “Please” he let his eyes meet hers for a second, just long enough to see how he worried for her.

“Of course” Lucy nodded, her own voice going soft while her hands itched at her sides to place it on his knees to ease him like she had done many times. But now, her words will have to be enough to ease them both.

…

Everything had been easygoing at the auditorium for the most part- almost as if Lucy’s help was not really needed. Celina had been nice, assuring her that they could always use more hands on deck and while Lucy appreciated her, there really was not much for her to do. Lucy was impressed with how well Celina and the other volunteers have been managing in helping the civilians settle in, with even some who were already set up offering their services to their temporary neighbours.

Lucy had still found ways to help out- as it had been the reason she decided to visit the auditorium- though there was not much left for her to do which made it somewhat difficult for the other selfish reason she found herself here. Distance. For once, with every unexpected predicament she found herself in today, Lucy just wanted space…and time away from Tim. She had needed to put all her focus into helping out but yet stubbornly her mind always drifted back to Tim- being stuck in the fire with him, hearing him admit that he still loved her and when they were back to safety, subtly hinting where his priorities are. And Lucy-

“Is everything alright in here?” Lucy asked, following the sound of voices she heard coming from the back, smiling when she spots James and a woman she is not sure she recognizes.

“Hey Lucy- yeah everything is good” James answered, Lucy smiled at him once more, nodding before getting ready to head back towards the main area. “Um actually, maybe you could help” Lucy paused, turning back to notice how apprehensive the pair were- the woman more so, shaking her head and whispering something she couldn’t hear.

“You can trust Lucy, she will be able to help you out of this” James had been trying to reassure the woman as Lucy walked over to them.

“Please don’t make me do this, if the police get involved….I’m afraid of what would happen” the woman was visibly shaking and hugging herself had not helped stop whatever was making her so frantic.

“Is everything okay?” Lucy found herself repeating now that she stood with the pair. She furrowed her brows, observing their body language, it was obvious something wasn’t ok but as James opened his mouth to speak, the woman's eyes darted over to him, probably willing him to not say anything. Lucy could see it, the quick ways the woman's eyes scanned the open road and back to the door Lucy came from. She was scared. Living in fear that something or someone would come after her if she says anything.

“Kylie…please” James pleaded- begging her at this point but Kylie still seemed unwilling to relent, wrapping her arms tighter around her midsection. Though, for a moment it seems she may change her mind as Kylie allows herself to look at Lucy.

“Kylie I assure you whatever it is, we will help you and ensure your safety” Lucy took a chance, she had to be firm but gentle enough that she could get Kylie to see she was being genuine. If this was going to work, if she was going to help this woman, she needed Kylie to trust her. Kylie’s gaze met hers, still guarded, all her fear and uncertainty lingering behind her eyes and she was looking to Lucy for...hope. Again, Lucy needed to be firm, giving the scared woman a nod but a small smile and what she hoped conveyed a warmness with her eyes as she held her gaze.

“Ok” 

Lucy let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding onto as Kylie finally relented. She wasn’t the only one who seemed relieved, Kylie as well letting out her own breath as she untangled her arms, letting it fall to her sides as James patted her on the shoulder in show of his support.

“Good. can you start off by telling me exactly what-”

Lucy never had the chance to finish asking her question nor did Kylie ever get the chance to let go of that deep breath she took in preparation for the question.

It had all been so sudden- none of them had caught a glimpse of the car speeding- there had not been enough time to react- Lucy only able to brush her fingers over where her gun was before-

There had been no hesitation.

The gunfire sliced through the quiet.

But the screams were louder.

It was quick.

Too quick to know all of the details but Lucy felt it all happen in slow motion. She heard the first shot before seeing it, her hand going to her gun before seeing where it landed but she wouldn’t be able to get a hold of it before the next bullet is out- very quickly followed by another and another. Lucy tried- she tried - she should’ve gotten at least a hold of it- maybe if she reacted quicker- maybe if she had seen the car-

But none of that matters anymore. She cannot change it. She was already falling.

She had seen it happen many times before. With innocent people. Criminals. And fellow officers. She still remembers her second day on the job, the glass shattering as Tim went down, blood quickly drenching his uniform but though his face twisted in pain he would still try to keep up his hardass tough exterior as he pushed her away. She had him in her arms to drag him to safety, catching her breath when knowing he would get up and act like it was all ok. But then there were those who wouldn’t get up, she couldn’t forget even if she wanted to, watching her best friend being shot and never coming back. She never got a good view of Jackson’s face, only seeing how his body reacted to the pain before it gave up.

And right now she is not sure which outcome she was facing.

She was falling, Lucy knew that much, time still feeling like it had slowed down- perhaps that is why she hadn’t felt it at first despite knowing what had happened. She had been shot but her body had been numb to it except for the faintest feeling of a sting- maybe it had to do with shock but she would not be able to further react before a second shot made sure she went fully down.

The numbness does not last by itself for long, soon mixing with the worst pain ever felt. Lucy is not sure if part of the reason for this is to do with how hard she hit the ground (something she is not entirely sure when it happened or how hard the fall was as part of her still felt like it was falling with her body anticipating a fall that would never come) but suddenly she felt ablaze- an unbearable searing burning sting that only seemed to only drive further into her flesh. Due to the numbness that still lingered, Lucy knew this perhaps that she should be feeling was probably ten times worse.

Right now all she could do was breathe, her breaths- desperate gasps for air were coming out quick, not sure if she was trying to get as much air into her lungs or out of them. Lucy wanted to move, vaguely remembering there had been two other people with her, though she doesn’t quite remember hearing the other shots after her first one pierced through her. Lucy should be trying to get up, she knows that, she needs to check on the other two, now realizing she was unaware of how badly injured they were. The little strength Lucy had was used in trying to turn her head to see where she last remembered James and Kylie were standing but it was useless, chastising herself for not being able to perform police procedure as her head dropped.

Lucy is not sure exactly how much time has passed, everything around her fading into distant echoes as her mind has only supplied her with only one constant thought since her realization of what had happened and though she would try to push it away, it stubbornly had a way of returning to the forefront of her mind.

Tim. 

The pain is still there, searing into her flesh as the bullet remains fixated. And maybe that’s why she does it- maybe that is why she stops fighting, letting her thoughts drift- maybe she hopes focusing on something else will numb her a bit more, make everything sting a little less. Lucy lets herself think of Tim, she thinks back to a few hours ago trapped in a fire with him, his hand cradling her head as they’re pressed together as if that alone would save them from the raging heat outside. But it had been nice, she welcomed it, unable to admit it then that she missed the familiarity and safety she felt with him close to her. Lucy wants to curse herself right now, wishing she had those arms holding her right now, she wished she had his voice beside her dulling the ache she was feeling. The memory of his words from the fire was all the comfort she had now as she tried to take in more air- there had been something he wanted to tell her- he still loved her- of course he still loved her .

And Lucy- she- she wasted precious time- she had believed that they would have more time- she let go of the opportunity to let her feelings be known because of the belief- the stupid belief she clinged onto that they would get out of this alive. Now there is nothing she is able to do, only left on the cold ground as her movements grow stiff- there is nothing she could do now but be left to wonder if she would be lucky enough to ever get another chance to say something different. Or would she have left Tim, the man that she…would she leave him for the rest of his life not knowing that her feelings perfectly reflected his.

Everything had started to feel like a blur at this point, one moment she felt numb and suddenly the pain returned, unbearable as always. Then there were the sounds, screams, footsteps moving about, they were distant, still sounding very faded to her but they had been there and next thing she knew, all around her was quiet- eerily quiet. A voice soon breaks through that silence- Celina she thinks it is, edging closer mid sentence- what was she saying exactly, Lucy wouldn’t know but she sounded frantic- at least she thinks it sounds frantic and she thinks its Celina, not really able to see anything as the blurriness merges everything together.

“Celina?” it is the faintest sound, her own voice struggling to make it to her own ears as her voice scratched to get one word out. One word and it seemed to take everything left out of her, her voice failing her, competing to get in another breath as she tried to call for her friend again.

Lucy hears a voice and then another one soon after but- though muffled and unable to make out a coherent word out of what was being said- she was sure none of them were Celina. There was no time for her to process it, Lucy barely registered her body being lifted off the ground. She questioned if she went back to that never-ending fall, the one her body anticipated the ground that never came. This time there was no ground- not one that she could feel but there was not much she was feeling. One minute her body was on fire, heat coursing through her and then a chill hit directly on her chest before quickly replacing it with something uncomfortable pressing down on that stinging she still felt.

The voices are back but this time they sound like they’re right above her. They’re talking fast but none of what they’re saying makes sense as Lucy is only able to catch pieces of the hurried conversation before everything goes silent and her vision fades into almost nothing before it returns to….a place that looked nothing like the auditorium she was at. Only then does Lucy force herself to focus to be aware of the cramped space she was settled in that felt like it was moving.

There is barely any time to register that she is now at the back of an ambulance before everything starts to fade once more. There is not much Lucy takes in during the ride, only catches glimpses of white and blurry faces hovering over her, more pressure over her chest, not even registering the speediness of the vehicle she’s laying very still in before everything seems to go dark.

Lucy is falling again, bracing for an impact to the ground that never comes the next time everything starts flooding back in. There are more voices this time, they’re all getting louder as their footsteps move about quickly but so is she- Lucy’s moving but her body is still stiff, growing weaker by every voluntary breath. Lucy wants to focus on the conversation happening above her, she wants to understand what’s happening- what is her condition- is it a fatal wound- what are her chances of making it out. She tries to listen but her eyes keep threatening to pull her under as all the faces turn into indecipherable blobs and none of what is being said is coherent to her ears.

Everything is happening all too fast for Lucy to keep up with in her weakened state. There are many different hands on her- one cutting at the pressure wrapped around her chest, while another replaces it with a new gauze. Lucy is not sure what else they’re doing, cleaning her wounds, preparing to get the bullets out, she doesn’t know, except that it is all cold- the unfamiliar and gloved hands expertly moving on where her exposed skin was getting hit with a chill that did nothing to subside the searing pain that still existed.

She just wants to be numb again. She didn’t want any of this…she does not want to have to be feeling any of this. She should not be feeling any of this. If she had just done better- react quicker- do her job without failing for once then maybe. Then maybe she wouldn’t be slipping in and out of consciousness, every breath feeling like a punishment as bullets scorch into her chest, the blood seeming not to stop whether it is inside or out, she doesn’t know. All she knows- all she wants ….is for all of it to stop- not like that but…stop. But when has she ever been so lucky?

And today there’s no one she can blame for everything that has happened and the uncertainty of what could happen- there is only herself to blame. Lucy knows this- she curses herself for it- wants to shout as another pain sears through her- pain she caused herself all because she couldn’t…

There is heat again but for once it doesn’t burn her- it isn’t the bullet, that one is still unbearable- this one holds her, not like the hands gloved over her body- this one is one she knows, its the one she had wanted to be returned to. This hand, it was warm- it was familiar- it was the only thing since the shooting that had given her some solace. Lucy’s vision still hadn’t cleared, it was getting harder to make out what was around her as her eyes grew heavier but she knew, one singular touch and she knew.

Tim was here. And for the tiniest second, that felt like all she had needed, it was enough. Everything was going to be ok.

Lucy could feel herself going numb again, the pain was still there but it was less irritable, the doctors must have already applied the anesthesia. That would mean it was almost time, she was about to lose Tim again, she didn’t want that, having just gotten him back, his touch the only thing she was sure of- he was safe. Lucy fought with her sleeping body, wanting to move in all the chaos, Tim’s hand was still holding onto her and maybe if she could just move her fingers to wrap around his, just for a chance to feel closer to him, to feel connected to a life she once had…with him.

Lazily her eyes found where his blurry figure stood close, she could feel herself smiling but maybe it was all in her mind, actually not being able to feel much of anything at all except the firm yet gentle, dare say delicate touch grazing up and down her arm. Lucy tried to fight it a bit longer as her eyelids started growing heavier but she needed just another look at Tim- sure she couldn’t make out his face clearly or what he was saying but he was her Tim and she wished to be confident in her belief that she still knew him. But rather, perhaps for her own sake that his face was a mixture of his usual stoicism and collectedness while telling her she was going to get through this and everything will be alright because she was a fighter and maybe cracking one of his dry jokes that always got a pity laugh out of her.

She was strong. That is what he was telling her, she needed to think that as she grew weaker by the second, his touch started to fade off her skin.

She was strong. But right now, she needed him to be strong for them both.

Lucy was barely holding on, the anesthesia had almost fully taken over and she was vaguely aware she was moving again. This time she really was going to lose Tim. These would be the last few seconds she would have with the most important person in her life until there was nothing…maybe even before there was never. 

Her body had already gone asleep, now making it impossible to reach out with what little strength she had left to commit to memory what Tim felt like, who he was. There was no more fighting she could do, Lucy was about to lose Tim again in the worst way possible. But she had to at least try…one last time.

“Yes. I still love you too.”

Her lips hadn’t moved a bit but her eyes never left him, hoping that by just a look , maybe- just maybe he would know what she had said. Part of her hated that she couldn’t see his face to see if her theory was correct, but maybe not seeing was easier. That way her imagination could create something that made her slip into unconsciousness a little more peaceful as Lucy made sure that Tim was the last thing she would see.

“Of course I love you Tim.”

Just in case.

Chapter Text

It was quiet. Too quiet.

Tim rolled his eyes at the thought of Nyla and Angela ganging up on him if they heard his use of the banned “q” word and how he probably just cursed himself or whatever the specific superstitious belief was. Though somehow he’d be convinced to take the superstition more seriously because of the person sitting next to him in the shop. 

But she wasn’t sitting next to him in the shop right now.

And the reminder was not something he liked.

A long exasperated sigh filled the silence of the shop mixing in with the low hum of the shop as he drove the last few miles to the station. A few seconds pass and he’s letting out another long breath for the fifth time but his face probably shows more of his weariness than a couple of sighs. Tim could blame his somber mood on the events of the wildfires today but he was too tired to even lie to himself. The rearview mirror and every camera angle in this shop caught the downward pull of his lips as Tim’s eyes looked over to the absent presence in the seat beside him.

The Mid Wilshire station slowly started coming into view and as some cruel joke, that was the time all his woes and guilt chose to surface from where he had been pushing them down to focus on driving. The thoughts seeped back into his mind just as he had watched her disappear from the shop into the auditorium- disappear from him- and some part of him thinks he may have pushed her to want to be away from him. Tim’s hands tighten around the steering wheel until he feels the start of an ache as the guilt sinks in even further that he may have been a reason for this space between them right now. All because he confessed. 

All because he confirmed that yes- he is still in love with her.

And despite where it left him now, Tim couldn’t regret saying the very thing that has always been on the tip of his tongue.

Lucy was his top priority- he insinuated as much. And he loved her- still loved her- never stopped loving her. And she…well, she didn’t want to believe that they were going to die right there in the middle of the fire.

Did she still love him? Lucy didn’t say no, but she didn’t say yes either- she didn’t say anything. And not knowing was painful more than there was relief from fear of hearing the other answer because he didn’t know and was left to punish himself with the worst possibilities. The one where she no longer loved him- the chance that he had damaged them both so badly that it wasn’t possible to come back from it and love him again. Somehow the wounds would fade but so would any feeling that remained for him that lingered on romantic- and even platonic.

Thoughts like those were dangerous- let them go too far, too deep…too real and the streets would blur. Luckily, Tim had just swung into the station and soon he’d be able to get out of the suffocating silence and straight into the noise. The buzz of the station would be good for him- hurried footsteps, fast paced and urgent conversations at every corner as phones rang for help and radios cackling to life requesting backup. All of this was good, maybe a little selfish for him to be grateful for the chaos of today but the threats of his thoughts spiraling into devastation had Tim ready to welcome in the distractions even the ones he found annoying on a good day.

Pushing away the events of the last few hours, Tim heads straight into the locker room to finally get out of his ruined uniform. The running water washes away all the dirt, smoke and whatever else the fire left behind…and for a moment…all his despair. He scrubs at the stubborn specs remaining on his skin until it’s all gone and physically it is but everything else remains in place…and those he hopes never washes away. The way the softness of her hair tickled the tips of his fingers while her body pressed against his brought a warmth the fire outside couldn’t replicate and then when it was all over, he held her close as his breathing slowed and his world was full of her again. Those memories- the ghosts of Lucy’s touch that still lingered on his skin would absorb deep under the surface and become part of him.

There’s no pushing Lucy out of his mind, Tim knows that by now and he doesn’t fight it. Now dressed in a clean uniform, his focus is back on the job. It doesn’t take Tim long to find his rookie, spotting him just a few feet out of the locker room coming from cleaning up too and Tim now vaguely remembers spotting his boot inside, having given him a terse greeting before heading for the showers. He orders Penn to set up the shop, telling him that they’re heading back out on the streets. And when his rookie looks at him in equal parts confused and surprised, asking him why, Tim gives him an answer that sounds familiar to one he heard not even a full hour ago.

“Our resources are being stretched thin across the city with the wildfires and the aftermath- any extra help can make the difference in a civilian’s safety or stopping further damage and crime that has sure to have risen by now” Tim explains as though it was the most obvious thing, easily slipping back into that authoritative tone that was slightly annoyed. Just like Lucy had asked- the realization crosses his face for a short second that Penn doesn’t notice and he’s grateful- for Lucy of course, always knowing what he needed. To be focused and not…moping like she would tease.

“Go set up the shop boot!” Tim crossed his arms, shaking his head as he watched his boot scurry away.

Tim was on his way to the sally port, believing the quicker he left the better if he stayed on the move to keep his mind busy. But he stops at the sound of familiar voices leaving the women’s locker room, hearing a snippet of their conversation about getting smells out of hair, taking a long bath and cuddling babies.

“Hey- heard you guys got Glasser” Tim said in a way of greeting, receiving tired smiles from both women.

“Yeah and about damn time too” Nyla sighed and it was quite visible how tired she was.

“So you guys got a confession?” Tim’s confused as Angela shook her head, worried that this is gonna drag on longer.

“Handed off the interrogation to another detective but the case is basically an easy close especially seeing as we caught him in the middle of committing another crime” Nyla clarified.

“Thought you would’ve wanted to be the one to place the final nail in the coffin and see him squirm when he realizes there’s no way out” Tim mentioned.

“Knowing he’s going to be behind bars is good enough for me and right now all I care about is using some of my vacation days to relax and turn my cop brain off for a full week” Nyla smirked with Angela humming her agreement.

“Jack and Emmy are spending the next two days with my mom so it’s wine o’clock and whatever self care spa package I convince Wesley to buy for my days off” Angela grins and Tim only rolls his eyes at her antics as she’s now including Nyla in her plans.

“Don’t look so upset Bradford, I’d invite you along but we all know you’re allergic to taking time off that even HR has given up on threatening you to use your vacation days” Angela teased, grinning knowing that she will get a rise out of him.

And it works, the two going back and forth sending jabs at each other- Angela about Tim’s “sad lack of an actual personal life” and Tim countering with the gratification she feeds off on his life being “pathetic”- it’s a weak argument but it keeps their banter going. Nyla joins in with her own sarcastic comments- at Tim’s expense of course. They’re able to get a short laugh out of him but he denies it when Angela pointed it out and again he feels his focus shifts, letting in the distraction. 

But that doesn’t mean he forgets- he could never forget her, she’s always taking residence in some part of his mind. Now he’s doing what Lucy wanted- not drowning himself in wrong timings and what if scenarios but shifting his attention to the job that needed him right now- a long time escape he used to forget his problems. But Tim wouldn’t ever let himself forget Lucy.

Angela is the one that spots Grey first, tilting her chin towards him with a wicked grin plastered on her face as he approaches. She’s preparing to ask him to make a comment on their silly debate about the need for personal days while probably taking pity on Tim’s- in her words “mundane way of life”- but she doesn’t. Tim watches as the smile from her face slowly disappears, standing a little straighter- almost rigid as her brows scrunched together. He’s confused by the sudden change from Angela and the deep frown she wore.

And then he turned.

Grey hasn’t made it to where they stood just yet- hasn’t said anything either…but it was clear something weighed him down- hesitancy but urgency. Every step heavy but determined- slow but not slow to delay but enough to prepare for the moment to follow. 

Tim feels the silence that falls among the three of them, not noticing at first the tension building in his shoulders until looking over at Angela and Nyla who stood straighter. The smiles and teasing from what cannot be longer than a minute ago are now gone, lips pressed into a thin line, slipping back into professionalism. Though he cannot read minds, Tim is sure they are also running through all worst case scenarios in their head, probably dreading the delay that this will cause to their time off.

Despite best efforts, the fires are still spreading? Low level crimes and misdemeanors have doubled in the last hour? Or the crimes have escalated- maybe even some gang involvement?

But… 

Grey stood in front of the three of them, still having yet to say something instead scanning all their faces once, then twice, lingering a moment longer on each face. He still hasn’t said anything- he only sighs. There’s a crack to the usual firm and commanding demeanor of Grey- something just a little less their boss and a little more a caring friend, a steady presence who seemed weighed down by whatever he had to say. It wasn’t a frown, at least not yet and Tim doesn’t understand why but it feels suspended in time…waiting.

Just like all of them. Waiting. 

For what exactly? None of them have any idea but nothing about the shift since Grey walked in made it feel like anything close to good.

Pity. Grey’s eyes had shown his fatigue with the events of the day but the downcast way his features pulled had meant something entirely different now- something more somber. Pity- for whatever all their situations were about to be.

Angela’s hand is already placed on her friend’s shoulder as a show of support and also help relieve some of the tension building up as Nyla takes in a deep breath that she has not yet let go of since Grey turned his gaze on her. Whatever the bad news was it affected Nyla somehow- Tim’s first thought that it was about her Glasser case, the detectives she handed it off to couldn’t get the confession and there’s a chance he might walk away. But turning his attention back to Grey, Tim knew he was wrong. This was more personal.

“There was an incident down at the auditorium” Grey informed them, his voice steady as it needed to be for the job but laced with something- not hidden but unknown to them. Disappointment at the escalation of crime has taken place due to the fire outbreak. No.

Tim was about to place his own hand on Nyla as a show of support, it's not a common thing he does in their friendship but it felt like the moment- whatever was about to be said called for some comfort. His hand never made it to her shoulder, freezing in mid air when he caught a side glance of Grey’s eyes turning to him with a look Tim is not sure what to make of it.

“There was a drive-by shooting in the back open garage” Grey offered as explanation but it wasn’t the same as giving details on any other case. He still had been watching Tim, only breaking eye contact to return to Nyla as he prepared himself to say the next part.

Sympathy. 

“James was shot.”

Nyla finally let out that breath she had been holding in, only to take in another one right after as Angela gasped beside her, mumbling something mostly to herself. And then Tim no longer heard anything beside him. Grey’s eyes held almost the exact same sorrow they did for Nyla but yet somehow even more when they turned back to Tim.

He didn’t like it. Tim was not sure what it was- or maybe he did, somewhere he knew inside what was coming but he swears he didn’t yet his heart already anticipated Grey’s next words, clenching in a way that was almost unbearable.

“Lucy was also shot- at least twice in the drive by…”

Sympathy. It was meant for him as well.

If Grey continued talking after his last sentence then Tim hadn’t heard a word. His mind only replayed the mention of Lucy being shot- the same Lucy he had just seen not even a full two hours ago- that Lucy- his Lucy- she wasn’t his anymore but- her - Lucy - she …she was perfectly fine not too long again. He had seen her and she was perfect…but now, someone put a bullet through her.

Was Grey still talking or anyone else- Tim really couldn’t tell, not able to hear a single word. He swore the blood rushed up to his ears, only able to hear every rapid pounding of his heartbeat that slammed into his ribs. Tim knew he was breathing but each one felt difficult to get out, nothing consistent  about the pattern, only feeling his lungs burn as it tried to find a steady rhythm.

Lucy was shot.

He can’t speak, it takes him too many attempts to realize that nothing he tries to say is coming out, everything is in his head and none of it is coherent. Nothing in his body seems to work anymore- none of it makes sense but somehow he is still standing.

Tim is lost as to how the next series of events occur, only knowing that he’s no longer standing.  The not so long ago occurrences return to him in memories- he’s sitting in the passenger seat of the shop with Grey in the driver’s seat who offered to drive. Angela sat in the back with Nyla trying to comfort her and keep her calm for the journey and though Tim knew they were close- just at the back of him, they sounded far away, even the sound of the shop coming to life was faint. He was stuck- again, vaguely remembering the gentle hand placed on his shoulder willing him to move from where he was rooted since hearing the news. Grey’s words then echo in the faded distance of his mind, urging all of them to follow him to the shop to start the journey to the hospital. And Tim wasn’t sure how he even made it here, every step felt like he was falling.

He never reached the ground, but pieces of him wanted to. The weight filling him inside only grew as the situation tried and failed to settle in his mind. Tim never fell, somehow he kept walking and now sat in a moving vehicle, failing to suspend time with no time to pause and figure out how to breathe again.

Tim hated the part of him that didn’t want to go to see Lucy and see her in that state but he isn’t sure if he should hate the part of him that wanted him to see her more. He wanted to keep the memory of her that was unharmed, the one that smiled at him from across the shop earlier that day…the one that was perfect. Maybe it was the antagonizing part of him that felt he needed to punish himself or maybe it was just the part of him that simply loved and cared for her but Tim knew he needed to see her, not because it would make him feel better but just because…

The thoughts making their way into his head are not happy ones- they’re real possibilities but right now he doesn’t care about the harshness of reality, he just wants to bask in hope. If it wasn’t for the losing fight of trying to keep the more physical emotions off his cheeks, he probably would have attempted a weak laugh at the thought of the amusement Lucy would find in him begging for miracles- looking to the universe for answers.

“Are they- are they aware of how bad…do they know how critical her condition is?” It's the first thing Tim has been able to say since, his voice surprisingly hoarse and broken in a way he could choose to blame on the irregular way of his breathing pattern.

Tim knows he was the one who asked the question but he’s not sure he’s ready for the answer he would receive. He doesn’t turn to look at Grey to gauge his expression, already tensing at the low sigh he hears him let out.

“We still don’t know much of the details but…it’s not looking good right now.”

Tim allows the rest of the drive to pass without much recollection, spending most of the time with his hands covering his face. He didn’t cry- there was nothing to wipe away but it was comforting to not have to see anything. Tim didn’t care for the cars driving past nor the people walking on the sidewalks as though nothing had changed, because right now his entire world just came to a stop and its fate was at a standstill with the threat of things never going back to the way they were. 

And Tim? He was fucking terrified. 

Not focusing on anything but trying to calm the storm in his mind with positive thoughts, Tim wasn’t sure exactly how much time had passed, just knowing that they were finally at the hospital. Somehow, he is able to wait until Grey brings the shop to an almost stop before he’s pushing himself out of the vehicle and walking with urgency to the hospital’s entrance. The others are somewhere behind him in the distance and if Angela tries to say something to tell him to wait on them or slow down or just calling out his name- he barely hears it, not paying her any attention. There’s only one thing- one person on his mind and-

“Tim” Angela’s voice is softer now as she reaches her arm out to stop him. Tim doesn’t want to stop, he wants out of her hold on him, and he doesn’t want to see the sadness she held in her eyes for him. “Look…” Tim followed her line of sight to where the EMTs were unloading the stretchers as doctors rushed to meet them.

The news had shocked him- rendered him speechless and impossibly unmoving. But now, standing in reality, able to see Lucy laid a few feet from him through the threat of slowly blurring vision, Tim couldn’t hide from it. Back in the station, he knew now that he had somehow still been able to breathe because now he couldn’t feel any air leave his lungs, not even being able to force himself to swallow.

Tim didn’t care if he was breathing or not, didn’t care if the deep pounding of his heart threatened to crack his ribs, didn’t care for how his legs felt weak whether from the fake excuse of sitting in the shop too long or the truth about the sight he was about to see. Part of him wanted to hesitate, even if just for a few seconds, to be stuck in his spot and pretend to suspend time- to pause and let the situation settle in his mind. But that was selfish, seeing as no amount of time would make any of this easier for him.

Right now all that mattered was Lucy, and if he has to force his legs to move even when they feel weighed down, then he’ll be stubborn and move even faster. Tim would do it for her- a chance to see her again before anything can happen.

It hit him like- a bullet. Tim winced at the choice of word given the situation, not intentionally trying to be insensitive but right now, it was all he could come up with to describe the agony he was experiencing. He knew it would be difficult- painful even to see Lucy in this sort of state but he had to see her…even as it breaks the last pieces of him that keep him upright.

He needs to know that Lucy is still here with him…with all of them.

There was blood…more than he wished there had been. Being this close now, Tim was not sure what to focus on- not wanting to look at the blood being cleaned up as it soaked through the remains of her shirt. He tried to follow the hasty jargon of the hospital staff but none of it was making any sense to him, instead trying to focus on the relief he should be feeling from the heart rate monitor telling him that Lucy is still here. But it’s not enough- because as hard as he tries to avoid it he can’t unsee the fresh bullet wounds with blood still oozing out. And he can try and wish that it would just disappear but that’s not how it works- it’s never that easy.

Why can it never just be that easy?

Tim thought he had been doing well, had been doing a good job of keeping everything in while in public but he should’ve known better. Lucy was his weakness and that was all it took. He’d look into her eyes, hoping for some solace but he should’ve known better. Any other day he would’ve described it as a lazy stare, almost like the ones she got some mornings when still half asleep or zoning out, but this wasn’t that…she was barely there. And Tim…he’s trying to keep his vision of her clear but his eyes are stinging at just the sight of the dried up tears trailing down Lucy’s cheeks.

She was crying for goodness sake.

He should have never left her. The very thoughts Tim had been trying to bury since at the station but being able to see the result of such an action, everything is now screaming in his head. Why couldn’t he have been stubborn and insisted he stayed to help out or at least convinced her to come back to the station to freshen up first. There were different things he could’ve done to prevent this- why didn’t he do something to prevent this . Was he that wounded- caught up in his own idiotic self pity to have done something- said something different that would’ve changed the outcome. Lucy could’ve been standing at his side right now but…he put her on that gurney.

Thoughts like that were not helping the situation nor were they true and the rational part of him knew that but standing just a touch away…lines started to blur and he had left her hurt all over again. Tim was doing his best not to focus on the punishing side of his mind, right now all that mattered was that Lucy was here- she was still here and that is all that should matter.

Tim watched his hands tremble as they reached over to gently touch Lucy almost as though she was fragile. His breathing hitched, in that broken way it has been since he learned about Lucy’s shooting- and now her skin was cool under his fingertips. Tim tried to ignore it, reasoning in his head that it was because of the air conditioning, choosing to run his hand up and down Lucy’s arm in the way that he knew brought her comfort and warmth.

He was enough warmth for her on those colder days, Lucy said to him once. The memory of said cold nights cuddled up on his couch brings out a watery smile on Tim’s face as he continued on the soft circles he soothed into her skin.

It was becoming harder as the moments- seconds, maybe close to a minute passed. There was barely any fight left in him, sliding his fingers to fit in with Lucy’s as the emotions are no longer hidden from his face. How could he? Tim could not pretend to not be affected at the sight of barely any life being reflected in Lucy’s eyes. She was barely there, but he still watched her. None of this was easy. But it is the smallest bit of solace he holds onto, no longer sure if it's delusion for hope but Tim swore he saw the tiniest movements of her eyes and that- that he would desperately hold onto.

Lucy was still here…she was still fighting.

“Lu…Luc-y”

Tim hadn’t said a word until now, he wasn’t even sure if he was breathing, much less able to utter a simple sentence without his voice cracking. But just a simple word- just the simplicity of saying her name undid all the brokenness inside him. He failed once and was not ready to make another attempt and it is not for a chance to gain composure, that was useless now. He was not ready for what comes next.

There is not much time left, Tim knows that. This would be his last chance to say something- anything to Lucy…for now hopefully. But he doesn’t- at least not yet, wasting away some of their final moments to use his free hand to wipe away the few strands still stuck to her face and with her face clear Tim tries to smile as his hand falls into the curls of her hair but he can’t keep it for long. He doesn’t have long with her.

He can’t even say her name without everything trying to surface to the top all at once. And there are a million things he wants to say to her for the small chance she could hear him but each attempt comes out in pieces and nothing coherent. Though his words were failing him at the moment, Tim could only hope Lucy could feel him in the small circles he rubbed into her arm and hair the way that made her feel better. The touches weren’t just for her and Tim hated being even the slightest bit selfish in this situation but he had needed this too, always turning back to the heart monitor for more confirmation that Lucy was still there- she was fighting- she had a chance.

For the first time since everything, Tim had been able to let out a long breath, closing his eyes just for a second to savour the short relief because there was a chance. Tim knew that he needed to be strong for Lucy right now but she was already doing that all on her own, being the fighter he would always be proud of. And knowing how strong Lucy was being…would it be so bad if he just broke for a little while.

“I love you Lucy ” Tim managed to get out, his voice impossibly quiet. “Please fight this” he couldn’t care for how his voice wavered, bringing his other hand to join in holding her own.

In a broken stutter, he started to beg, not caring how desperate it made him seem. If it was the difference between life and death he was ready to get on his knees and plead to her and all the gods for a better outcome.

“Stay…Lucy plea- please stay- fight this” he pleaded, doing his best to be gentle as he squeezed her hand. “Lucy you are so strong and I know you can come back stronger from this…so please fight this for me- not- not for me but fight this and come back to all those that care about you- Grey, Celina, Lopez, Tamara- hell even Kojo” he tried to laugh but it got choked up. “Do this for you Lucy…there’s still so much you have to give to this world.”

“I love you Lucy Chen…that will never change” Tim’s pleading had gotten mixed with his need to be able to say those words again with all the conviction he could muster through his hoarseness. Their time was quickly running out and all that fear from being trapped in the fire returned tenfold but this time as blood replaced fire it all felt too real…too final.

And he loved her. That part didn’t change in the few hours that passed…that would be the one thing that would always remain the same.

“I can find a way to live with you never loving me again but I cannot live without you Lucy…”

He is not sure there is much else to say, having said almost everything in the one coherent sentence he managed. And though Tim is aware that Lucy probably hadn’t heard a word of anything he said, he was just glad to have it out there.

Tim may have not been focusing on everything else happening around him but he is able to make sense of the doctor’s fast paced conversation to know that it’s time. He has no time to brace for it, or even the chance to say goodbye, instead just left to watch Lucy’s fingers slipping out from his as she was wheeled towards OR.

And he would have focused on the loss of contact longer and how there was now a rush of chill to his fingers, realizing that maybe Lucy was his personal warmth if he wasn’t replaying his last few seconds with Lucy over in his head. Given his current state, Tim is not ruling out hallucination, believing the lines of what was real and what he wanted to see have been blurred but part of him wanted to be convinced that the sight of Lucy’s eyes looking at him was one his imagination hadn’t come up with. It wasn’t the ones she had in a hazy state but more intentional as she looked at him- as though looking for him. Tim couldn’t be sure as he could barely see anything himself.

It is only now that Tim realized that tears have been streaming down his face for who knows how long now as he watched the doors closed behind Lucy. He doesn’t know how long he remains standing in that spot, looking down at his hand where he felt Lucy slip away from him, leaving his hand to shiver. Soon his hand blurred due to his vision but Tim didn’t try to fix it, he wouldn’t wipe the tears away from his eyes, not really caring if everything turned into blobs around him.

All he cared about had just been taken away from him. But unlike other times when he felt weighed down by the punishments life seemed to throw at him, he didn’t have a specific pair of arms embracing him allowing him to hide his grief in the safety only her comfort brought him.

Instead, Tim would stand unhidden as he cried, while his heart threatened to stop.

His heart- the very heart that would be fighting for her life and he could do nothing to help in saving her.

“I’m sorry.”

Chapter Text

“Your coffee’s getting cold.”

Nyla’s voice cut through the stillness building in the room, her words flooding into Tim’s ears enough to make him stop his pacing. He hadn’t worn the carpet thin with his constant rounds but his legs had gotten weary and it had been his own stubbornness pushing him through. But now that he has stopped, Tim was able to refocus on his surroundings, his eyes finding where Nyla sat with her own cup of coffee, though it doesn’t seem she has even had half of it.

They were in the hospital’s waiting room, left with nothing to do than just that.

Wait. 

Taking another look to where Nyla sat, Tim felt the guilt slowly start to take over, realizing now that he hadn’t paid much attention to her. She also had a partner who was shot and fighting for his life. He remembered when they received the news initially, before they learned about Lucy, how once Grey’s eyes were on her, Nyla already braced herself for the bad news. Then the news was worse than any of them thought and she took a deep breath and after that…Grey’s eyes were on Tim and…everything around him faded. 

Tim hadn’t been able to focus on anything since the news and he was not able to see anything after the doors closed behind Lucy, only catching the sight of her blood on his fingertips a few times too many. He’s a cop, he should have done a better job at looking to see the condition of the other two gunshot patients or at least paid attention when Grey and Angela were discussing the situation after dragging him away from where he was still rooted by those doors.

“I don’t want it” Tim looked over at Nyla who did her best to keep composed. He was the opposite of that, his voice had gone hoarse somewhere between the emergency room and the walk to here. He is certain he wouldn’t be able to keep the coffee down anyway, swallowing felt hard enough. Maybe that was why he paced, it gave him something to do in a place where he wasn’t able to do anything.

Sitting wasn’t really an option, it would just allow for his mind to wander and spiral into places he didn’t want to visit right now…or ever. And though walking in circles hadn’t been much of the distraction he hoped it could be, it helped for a little while. It didn’t erase the memories of how last he saw Lucy, especially not with the blood drying on his fingers but at least it helped him find a steady rhythm as he reminded himself of the heart monitor that showed Lucy was still alive- fighting.

Nyla had chosen to sit since they got here, only standing once to get herself some coffee, a coffee she didn’t seem to have any interest in finishing anytime soon. For the most part, Nyla had kept quiet but Tim noticed how she bounced her leg every few minutes or held just a little too tightly onto the paper coffee cup…she was struggling. 

“James is going to be fine” Tim tried to assure her through his own brokenness only to receive a huff of a dry laugh of probably what was disbelief.

And he gets it, being in the same situation as her right now, Tim knows that if anyone tried to tell him similar words about Lucy, it would be the opposite of comforting. So, he gives Nyla her space so that she can find solace in whatever way makes the waiting- not easier but less…weighted.

Tim sees it clearly- seen it in himself hundreds of times years ago, even if back then he’d deny what he was doing. Nyla was hurting but she’s putting her walls up, if it is to not show her emotions in front of him or because it makes it easier to cope with everything, Tim cannot be sure and he doesn’t judge her for it. But having built those walls many times himself, he knows the signs of cracks that usually go unnoticed. Like he noted earlier- she was struggling and barely holding it in.

Tim followed where Nyla’s eyes landed on the window, distracting herself from the fidgeting of her hands by watching Grey and Angela (Nolan had also shown up but Tim cannot recall when) were talking with Wesley about the incident.

The silence continues to stretch between them, Tim adopting Nyla’s form of distraction though it didn’t do much to help ease anything. He caught her staring at him from his peripheral, a questioning look in her eyes, wondering why he remained in here instead of joining their fellow officers who gathered just outside of this room. Though Nyla may have never voiced her question, Tim still responded with a slight shake of his head because the truth was simply, he just didn’t think he could.

The few details that he did know- which was that Lucy had been shot- was enough to unsettle him. To him that was the most important one and it was also the one that threatened to shatter him more every time he thought about it- and not even for one second had he stopped thinking about it. But somehow he still remains standing and all he wants is to just be here- standing- waiting- waiting for Lucy. Because she was not far and she was fighting- fighting while he waited for her to come back.

“What do you think is going to happen?” Tim’s a cop, he should know the answer to this, and somewhere he did know the next steps to follow for best results of solving this but, right now he didn’t want to know, because then it makes all of this harsher than the reality already is.

And just for a few more minutes, Tim just wants to wait. 

Wait for Lucy.

“Probably not going to be able to work this case- spouse is always high up on the list of suspects” Nyla had been talking, resigned as she tries to keep the emotion out of her voice. Tim is pulled back to the present then, watching as Nyla tries to fold more into herself to protect her walls from getting any further cracks. There is nothing Tim can think of to say to make her feel better, because nothing will. So instead he nods and lets them fall back into silence to figure out their own way of dealing with this.

They’re only granted that silence for what couldn’t be longer than five minutes before Grey has re-entered the waiting room, eyes trained on them both. Grey has a similar look to the one he gave them back at the station before delivering the news- sympathy - but this time he tried not necessarily to be removed from the effect of the situation but more the authority figure needed to solve this thing.

“We’ve identified the shooter as Connor Lowe…but the motive is unclear” Grey hesitated on the last part.

“And you need to rule me out” Nyla nodded, tapping her fingers on what must be a cold coffee cup.

“I know this is hard…” Grey sighed.

“You’re just following protocol and I’m the wife I get it” Nyla reasoned, though not looking Grey in the eyes. “I will sign any consent search forms and anything else you need,” she said flatly.

“Thanks.” 

There had been no input from Tim during this conversation, he was aware how quiet he’d been since Grey walked in but he was also aware that he wasn’t the one who mattered in this situation. Three people had been shot by some lowlife and were now fighting for their lives on an operation table while Nyla was now facing being looked at as a suspect on top of worrying about her husband. And Tim?

“What about me?” he heard himself ask. Both Nyla and Grey turned to him then- Nyla seemed relieved that all the attention wasn’t on her for a second as she took in a deeper breath but Grey…he gave him the look that Tim was sure he started to hate seeing. Pity.  

“You are free to resume work if you wish” Tim grew tense at the news. “Despite the history between you and Lucy, the DA does not see any probable cause to view you as a suspect seeing as you both seem to be on good terms as colleagues and as we have already identified Connor as the shooter…”

“Tim has no history with the gang member to raise any suspicion- unlike me” Nyla interjected, placing her coffee down as she stood up from her seat.

Grey nodded. “It is most likely that in Lucy’s case she was not the main target…simply just in the wrong place at the wrong time” Grey stated, a twinge of his own sadness clear when he spoke.

Tim hadn’t said anything after that because truly what was there for him to say that could ever feel right in this situation. If anything he is reminded that he isn’t the one who was affected the most by this situation, sure he may be sad but Lucy…Lucy is fighting for her life against bullets that weren’t meant for her.

“The wrong place at the wrong time” Tim is sure those words will threaten to haunt him for a long time. They’re still repeating in his head long after Grey leaves for the station and Nyla walks over to another corner of the small room. Tim still thinks of those words as he picks at the dried up blood on the tips of his fingers, not in an effort to remove it but to know that it's still there, because for who knows how long this is all he will have. Because Lucy was at the wrong place at the wrong time.

“I don’t think coffee is supposed to get cold that fast” Tim’s eyes were starting to sting when he heard Nyla. “But I also don’t think it’s supposed to look stale…or smell like it,” she huffed.

“What?” Tim used the back of his hand to quickly wipe away the moisture building in his eyes before turning to look at where Nyla stood pouring herself another cup of coffee.

She didn’t answer his question to help placate his confusion, instead mindlessly stirring her coffee before turning her attention to him. And for once someone didn’t look at him as though offering their condolences but Nyla, she seemed tired, perhaps of getting the same looks and just like it felt for Tim, it was nice to look at someone who understands.

“You’ve been given the all clear…but you’re still here” Nyla mentioned.

“I know, but I can’t…” the rest of the sentence dies on his tongue as Tim turns to look out the window in the direction of OR.

“Its going to be a long time before we get any kind of updates about how the surgeries are going” Nyla said, and he knows this isn’t her trying to dismiss him but he can tell she’s building up to say something.

“I know but I…I want to be here” Tim said quietly, just pleased his voice sounded close to being composed for once.

Silence falls shortly after Tim’s small revelation, something that isn’t a surprise to either of them at this stage. Tim closes his eyes for what was initially not meant to be longer than a few seconds, not necessarily to stop any tears but feels them building up again but just lets it burn instead of allowing them to fall. He takes in the air of the confined space, though he had given up some time ago on regulating his breathing to something steady instead keeping still to feel just how fast his heart kept on beating.

Tim hates it- he wants to hate everything- he wants to curse any and everything for the hell he kept on living.

In the past he would often choose to react to the anger until it adds another scar that would soon be hidden. These days he is trying not to be that man anymore, one that still feels the anger but doesn’t cause himself more pain as an outlet. Instead he stands with his eyes closed as tears burn against his closed eyelids as he tries to breathe air into a stubborn yet unsteady system. This isn’t him hiding but he isn’t sure now is the time to allow himself to express all that was hurting him especially when he didn’t know the depth of how much this caused him distraught.

Tim hates it. He hates himself more though. 

He hates that he isn’t anything more than just another colleague- and Tim should not want to be looked at as a suspect and he is very much glad this wasn’t a planned target hit on Lucy but….he was just a colleague. He’d been dismissed so easily, being seen as nothing more than just a concerned friend from work and maybe to others it was an overreaction but to be seen as almost nothing to the woman you love, that hurt in a new and different kind of way from what he had already been experiencing. Tim wasn’t a worried boyfriend or spouse to Lucy…and that’s no one’s fault but his own isn’t it.

“You shouldn’t be in here” Tim’s eyes are open again as Nyla breaks the silence, looking at her to gauge what she meant by that. “This is not me trying to get rid of you or offend you in any way, it's just…you’re not good at this waiting thing” she claimed. Tim wanted to protest, not liking the assumption about him being bad at waiting, wanting to defend himself and his pacing that she probably referred to but Nyla held her hand up to stop him and let her continue. He sighed.

“You’re a better use to Lucy out there chasing down that bastard than you are in here” she explained. “At least one of us should get the satisfaction of seeing that idiot in cuffs.”

Tim nodded along in agreement because he knows that what she is saying is logical and most likely the right thing to do. There had been that part of him that wanted to march out of the hospital and hunt down the idiot and his entire gang and have them pay for what they had done to those that he cared about. Tim thinks of the blood on his fingertips- the blood that was and still is all over Lucy while this Connor probably doesn’t even have a drop on him and none of it feels fair. There is that part of Tim that does want to leave this hospital and make things fair but if things have to be unfair on an already unfair day, he wants to see Connor face that scrutiny.

But causing more pain to himself is not a good outlet for his anger.

Then right now there is the side that outweighs all that urge to leave and instead stay- stay for Lucy. He wants to stay- he wants to stay in this pink flowered patterned waiting room, drinking cold coffee that tastes awful as the minutes pass painfully slow waiting for even the most miniscule updates about the woman he loves. He wants to because he needs to. Because the last time he left her, well…it’s the reason he stands in the hospital not wanting to repeat that mistake.

“Do it to get justice…do it for her” Nyla breathes out a bit shaky when Tim turns his attention to her. “You have the chance to do what is right, so don’t waste it by wasting away in here for hours- use that time to get what Lucy deserves- what we all deserve…what you deserve too” she tried reasoning with him.

This is the closest Tim gets to see of the sadness that Nyla is holding back- the deliberate cracks she lets him see whether its to further convince him that he needs to get back out there, or to let him know that he isn’t the only one who doesn’t know what to do with all this grief. Her eyes were red and weary and perhaps half the reason for it was the case she had been non stop working on but…Nyla may not have cried yet or not much but she was holding it in until she couldn’t.

Tim doesn’t comment on it. Instead he placed a hand on her shoulder in a gesture he hopes comes off as comforting and understanding the words that were still difficult to say in this moment when nothing said felt right.

“I’m not doing this only to get justice for Lucy” those were the words Tim left her with, confident she knew what he left go unsaid as he finally leaves the waiting room.

The last thing Tim wants to do is stop in his tracks, unsure that even a one second pause would redirect him back into that room with full stubbornness to wait in misery. But he does stop, though he doesn’t make a move to head back into that waiting room, instead he watches. It is mostly a glimpse but it was enough. Nyla sank back down into her chair, her body seeming to tremble as she released a breath she must’ve been holding for a while and then her head is in her hands.

Tim is not sure if she’s crying but he starts walking again to allow Nyla the privacy to feel- not feel- hide- deal with everything that has happened today. At least one of them would be closer to figuring it out.

…

“I want in.” 

There is no need for Grey to look up from his desk to see who had just entered his office without even waiting for him to give them permission, footsteps already hinting at the urgency and stubbornness this conversation would follow. And when Grey finally does lift his head, he isn’t surprised at the sight that greets him.

“Are you sure?” Grey asked cautiously.

Grey has known Tim for a long time now, he’s seen the way he works, how dedicated he is to the job and all other great attributes that made Tim one of the best cops he’s worked with. But he’s also seen Tim when the life he’d worked hard to build fell apart and how worse it got when everything else happened to the inevitable end of his marriage. Yet, that is not the same man who stands in front of him ready to join the hunt for the man who shot his partner- this man doesn’t hide behind anger and deflection. There was no need to pry and push to figure out exactly how Tim actually felt, for what felt like the first time in years Tim was an easy read.

Sad. Struggling. 

This was different for Tim…she was. Lucy was different for him.

“After the day you’ve had, it is more than understandable if you choose to take the rest of the day off” Grey reasoned after Tim nodded to his initial question.

“I’m sorry sir but that just isn’t an option for me” Tim gives a terse shake of his head before standing a bit straighter. “I can’t just sit around- I can’t, not when I am still able to be here and do my job” Tim said convincingly but all it took was a raised brow from Grey for his shoulders to drop.

“That idiot who shot some of our own is still out there free, most likely thinking he got away with his crime and I will not be able to rest easy until that man is in cuffs” Tim paused after making his promise catching sight of the faded red on the tip of his fingers. “That is what Lucy would want me to be doing” he swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut for a few seconds before turning back to Grey with as much of a neutral expression he could muster.

Whatever concerns Grey has, he doesn’t say it out loud. 

“Nolan is on his way over to Harper’s to see if he can find anything connecting her to Connor or the shooting” Grey sighed, finding it ridiculous he has to treat one of his own as a suspect.

“Harper didn’t do this” Tim defended his colleague, sounding offended at just the implication. 

“I know, I know but we have to follow proper procedure in order to rule her out so that we’ll be able to build a flawless case against Connor that he doesn’t have a chance of walking away free when we catch him because we will catch him” Tim nodded along, seeming satisfied with that answer. “Right now I’m reaching out to other divisions to see if any have crossed paths with Connor or the Sixth Street Devils and have any intel that could help us in finding him.”

“I’ll head back out on the road with Penn, see if we can spot him- chance is that he’s still under the impression that he’s gotten away with it and not expecting much suspicion to go into hiding just yet” Tim said matter of factly in the way that Grey knew there was no stopping him- not that he would.

Tim wasn’t the only one putting on the facade of being- if not fine then at least ok enough to get back to work to catch their suspect without risk of grief creeping in.

“Boot!” Tim calls out once he’s out of Grey’s office after getting the run down on everything else they’ve gathered.

Tim tries not to dwell on anything that will distract him from the case but he knows that he could never fully push it out of his mind. And as glad as he is to have the job to give him a different focus and keep his mind busy, it is just another reminder of what had happened today. The horrors- they weren’t his own, it wasn’t him impaled by a bullet, it wasn’t him barely living but he carried it like it was his own. And now with ghost like wounds, he has to continue on as though it’s not easier to fall but he’s done that before- bury and hide.

“Load up the shop, we’re heading out in five” Tim finally finds his rookie at the front desk and is quick to assign him his new task. “Now boot!” Tim orders when Miles just stares at him.

“Sir-” Miles scrambles away from the front desk to follow behind Tim to the sally port.

If anyone asks, he’s looking down at his watch to count down the remaining time his rookie has to finish setting up their shop and then critique how it’s been two minutes and he isn’t halfway done for a shop that was supposed to be packed the first time Tim ordered the first time before…getting unexpected news. Though that is not the entire truth. The watch proves more as a reason not to have to look his rookie in the eye who has continuously been staring back at him every few seconds and Tim knows what’s on his mind.  By now the news of the shooting must have spread and everyone in the station is aware but Tim is not ready to confront it and he definitely does not want to talk about it with his rookie.

“I have to make a call before we head out, be ready in three” Tim interjected, having seen the look on Miles’ face, Tim knew that he wanted to say something about Lucy. “Three minutes boot” he reminded before walking away, not giving Miles a second glance.

“Bradford?” 

Tim walked off to a far corner where he was sure his rookie wouldn’t be able to eavesdrop as he called up his contact up in North Hollywood, vaguely remembering something Grey said about the division having a run in with Sixth Street Devils a few weeks ago.

“Yeah, Thorsen, hi” he greeted quickly, running his hand through his hair, trying to figure out how to word his request.

“I’m surprised you still have my number- thought for sure you’d delete it knowing that you won’t see me anymore” Aaron joked and in any other circumstances Tim would’ve rolled his eyes and answered back with his own quip but it wasn’t that kind of day.

“Listen, I need a favour. North Hollywood has had a few run-ins with the Sixth Street Devils gang and right now any information you have on them, especially one named Connor Lowe will help assist in this case we’re working on” Tim requested, straight to the point, not wanting to waste any time dragging this out.

“I heard about that,” Aaron said quietly. “News has already reached up here about Connor shooting a Mid Wilshire officer.”

“Yeah um…” Tim clears his throat to sound at least a little bit composed. “It was Lucy…” the words burn his throat as he clarifies the specifics for Aaron. Tim wants to ignore the heat creeping up his throat and push all of this ache down with it but each time that he is reminded of the shooting- every sympathetic look- stale coffee in a stilled waiting room and having such words coming out of his mouth…it is just a reminder. He will not forget, he could not forget. Not when it was Lucy.

“Oh…” Tim had not given much thought to the silence that allowed his thoughts to spiral loud and freely, only being pulled back to reality when there’s finally a sound from the other end of the call- a quiet one.

Aaron had been quiet, still only having said one word till now. There were attempts to say something- Tim’s not sure what but he heard the short quiet barely there, barely coherent attempts from Aaron. Then for a moment he seems to have given up trying to figure out what to say, instead falling into the silence as the news settles…news like this is not one that settles but having to get used to the uneasiness it leaves you with. And then, there was a sniffle.

The silence continues for a while longer and it forces Tim to realize that he isn’t the only one hurting right now. He had been so caught up in his own agony, in his need to blame himself for leaving Lucy alone, not rewinding time and doing it all differently. He had been selfish to only see his own pain that he hadn’t thought of others, this news wasn’t easy for them either, seeing Lucy covered in blood and fighting for her life was also a hard sight for them. Tim had been so busy fighting his grief, losing to his fears and sorrows of losing her that he hadn’t thought that he wasn’t the only one at risk of a loss.

Lucy’s life hadn’t revolved around Tim, not in the past and more so not now. Lucy had friends and Aaron was one of those and he was not taking the news of his close friend being shot very well. Lucy had other people who cared about her and she’d most definitely have people who would become distraught- hell even broken by the knowledge that she had been hurt.

Tim was one of those people but he was not all of them.

“Lucy is strong” Tim wanted to say something more helpful- impactful to help ease Aaron but it’s not that easy when he’s hurting as well.

“I remember she bruised her wrist on shift this one time on a call and instead of getting it checked out she tackled two guys twice her size like it was nothing, so yeah, she’s a fighter” Aaron reminisced, trying to laugh at the memory but Tim can tell his heart is not in it.

“Yeah she…she definitely is” Tim attempts his own chuckle but it comes out weak. It felt wrong to have a shred of lightness when everything else was still heavy.

“I’m gonna see if I can find anything to help catch this guy” Aaron pipes up after another moment of silence passes.

“Thanks Thorsen.”

“Anything to help out a friend” he paused. “I’m gonna swing by the hospital after my shift to visit, hopefully there’s good news by then.”

“Yeah” Tim managed through a shaky breath. 

There’s nothing to say after that and Tim is glad Aaron didn’t push. In all honesty, there was a lot of things that could be said but not enough trust that saying anything more about this could be done without bringing something up to the surface that is difficult enough to keep buried so that he could focus on the job.

Tim didn’t want to talk, what he wanted- what he needed was for everything to just get better.

On a day like this, there’s never any peace to be found but the silence can be comforting. It doesn’t erase the tragedy, it doesn’t numb the ache. The silence is simply nothing and right now nothing is the only thing that comes close to feeling good.

That’s why Tim pays no attention to his rookie whose eyes are on him every five seconds. Usually Tim would drill him on the importance of keeping his eyes on the road but he didn’t want to break the silence. Instead tension continued to build in the shop as he failed to acknowledge the unspoken situation- something others may not be in agreement with.

Nothing is said thankfully though that may have to do with the side glare Tim threw Miles way at the first breath before his attempt to speak. Though he remains quiet, it is clear that there is something Miles wants to say- maybe even have a proper conversation but Tim can’t. He reminds himself that there is no time for talking right now, not when they are meant to be keeping an eye out for their suspect- that- that is what should be their main priority. Luckily Miles had taken the hint but now has reduced whatever he wanted to say into concerned looks every few seconds. 

Does Miles see it? Can his own rookie tell how this entire incident has broken him?

There’s the urge to hide all that sadness behind a tough demeanor like he’d done countless times in the past but he doesn’t want to be that person who hides it all away especially when it becomes unbearable- he shouldn’t want to be that person. But it is easier.

For once today Tim just wanted something that was easy.

“All units, be advised. Citizen reports a possible suspect Connor Lowe's vehicle. Northbound Pico at 26th one minute ago. Any unit in the area?”

Tim’s hand was on the radio in an instant after hearing dispatch’s call. This was it- finally things were starting to look promising.

“7-Adam-100. We're right around the corner. Attach.”

Silence falls into the shop once more as Tim takes the next turn into an alley. His grip tightens around the steering wheel the further they travel down this alley, they’re getting closer- to the main road- to an end- to justice being served- catching this guy and putting him away. All of it. Some of it. None of it.

All of it Tim decides as they’re at the end of the alleyway and spot a blue car passing by. Miles tasks himself with updating dispatch on having eyes on the suspect’s vehicle now that they’re just a few cars behind.

“We’re not gonna light him up, he’s gonna run if we do” Tim stated, only half listening as Miles relays that information back to dispatch as he requests for additional units on their code three.

Nothing good came out of rushing this, if their suspect figures out that he’s being followed too soon they risk him getting away and harder to trail without any units close by. Tim knows that- he knows all of this- been on the job long enough and been a part of many pursuits to know how to get the result they want. But that doesn’t mean it is easy to shut off the other part of him which wants to skip to the end where the idiot has been caught and placed behind bars with good news coming from the hospital.

“We lost visual. Standby.” 

So what if Tim pushes down more on the gas than he needs to. Connor had noticed them tailing behind and sped up trying to lose them. But they were not that far behind anymore, able to close in that way that they’re right behind him, a good enough position to ram it if necessary. 

They’re so close.

“I gotta close the distance” Tim stated as the car started pulling away again.

They were so close.

“Dammit!” Tim’s hand slams down hard on the horn after losing sight of Connor again, not focusing on how the sudden sound had startled Miles.

Another string of curses are released under his breath as he watches his other hand turn white where they’re still firmly holding onto the steering wheel. Somehow he keeps driving, keeps moving, able to keep focus on the road but its all slower now while every taunting thought is rushing at him.

He failed.

Again. He failed Lucy.

Everyone who believed in him. He failed them.

“Sarge!” Miles called out, bringing Tim back into the present moment just in time to bring the shop to a stop and take in the sight in front of them.

The blue car continued speeding off in the distance too far for them to catch up with it now, leaving behind a crowd which formed around an older woman, most likely in her seventies who had been knocked down by the same blue car.

“Grab the first aid kit” Tim tells Miles after getting out of the shop and getting a close enough to inspect how severe the wound (which ends up being a broken leg with the bone exposed) in order to report it over to dispatch.

There’s no time to dwell on the missed opportunity- he still had a job to do. At this point each move, each instruction given feels more like a reflex, a familial memory that is easy to replicate without much thought. That makes it easier for the time between taking care of the injury and waiting for RA, blurring the minutes into fragments of an involuntary memory cataloguing the necessary information for the later report.

Tim thinks he does a good job of not thinking about where they were headed but focusing on  the incident that is bringing him back there, even breaking the silence inside the shop as he goes over details about what they know so far about the hit and run.

And for a while it works, everything is routine. Involuntary. 

“You’re taking the lead on this one Penn, right now the case seems cut and dry seeing as we’ve already identified our suspect and have multiple witness statements, at this moment your investigative skills will be used to track down the doctor to give us an update on the victim’s condition” Tim heard himself instruct Miles.

And then, he’s all alone. Waiting. 

At the moment the job no longer had been the faint distraction it was to placate long minutes and harsher thoughts. Out there it was easier, falling back into something close to normal and the added adrenaline from the chase had helped, it didn’t make anything disappear but it helped. But back here…it was close.

It had been just a little over two hours since everything and the memories feel fresh as though it had happened only five minutes ago. The specks of blood was gone, Tim having washed it away before heading back on the road but it felt stained on his fingertips as he watched weaker fingers slip out of his. And for the second- third- tenth- probably more, his eyes followed the direction the doctors wheeled away the woman he loved behind doors he cannot cross, cannot help, cannot bring her back.

“Lucy would be ok, she’s a fighter.” That is what Tim keeps on repeating to himself, needing to believe it, needing to have something to hold onto to keep him going. He was losing focus the longer he stared at the double doors, everything around slowly fading into the distance as he was left with the ghost of her touch still, wanting the sounds of that heart monitor to reassure him once again that Lucy was still here.

He couldn’t keep doing this- standing there. It wasn’t going to change anything, Tim knew that but his hand still dug through his pockets for his phone. The hope, he wanted it, even after staring at his phone absent of any updates.

It was not going to be easy, feeling rooted to the ground stuck in the last few minutes of those two hours ago but he needed to move. A deep breath or two or three or counting to three, none of it would work, not even as he fought the moisture building in his eyes again. 

“Not now” Tim thought to himself for what must have been the hundredth time each time he felt everything he hadn’t let out threaten to bubble to the surface. It was getting hard to keep up with all the voices in his head and all their different reminders that were trying to keep him upright. At the moment he tried paying more attention to the one reminding him that he was still on duty and he needed to be focused. And then there was that one consistent reminder- if he could at least do one thing right today and it was catching this guy.

Tim had only made it a few steps, having decided to wash his face to help clear his head when he spotted Angela walking into the main area. Angela hadn’t spotted him yet, her movements were sharp, her lips pressed together in a thin line while she kept her eyes narrowed onto nothing in particular from what Tim could tell.

“Lopez” he called out to get her attention. That seemed enough to stop her, shoulders dropping as she let out a sharp breath the way she does when she’s clearly agitated. “Everything ok?” he asked after walking over to where she stood.

“Nothing an apology gift from Wesley can’t fix” Angela shrugged.

“I don’t know what that means”

“Good, that way there’s less witnesses to call if there is no apology gift” she grinned but it didn’t hold its usual mirth, disappearing almost as quickly as it came.

“Any updates?” Tim asked before the silence could settle in and the heaviness weigh them down any further.

“Nolan didn’t find any at Harper’s to suggest she’d have anything to do with Connor and the drive-by but now there’s an entirely new problem with…” it seemed sudden and Tim didn’t understand why Angela trailed off. It wasn’t a pause to take a breath, she didn’t continue nor did she try to start over instead she watched him. Tim felt the strange urge to shrink into himself or at least take a step back as Angela’s eyes seemed to scan over his face.

“There still hasn’t been any updates about how the surgery is going” she finally says, keeping her voice quiet almost as if raising it any higher would break something. The silence or the feelings they weren’t acknowledging in order to focus on the case. “I’m sorry Tim, I wish I had better news.”

Tim nodded, not knowing what else to do or what exactly to say when right now everything felt foreign. 

Angela let the silence between them linger a little longer this time around with no signs to break it with further conversation. She was watching him again- observing seems better fitting. Part of him wanted to look away, not sure but he felt a little uneasy as her eyes darted across his face as though trying to find something out of place.

Tim doesn’t know exactly what it is that he’s trying to hide but it makes him stand up a little straighter and school his features into something more neutral. But Angela always saw the little stuff and it wasn’t necessarily the investigative eye of a detective but more so Angela being one of the few people who could read his unreadable expressions.

She had noticed how he couldn’t keep still, shifting his weight from one foot to the other just to have something to do. Then he’d finally been able to break eye contact with Angela only for his eyes to fixate on a certain set of double doors as it was his new involuntary reflex.

“You love her” Angela’s soft words catch Tim off guard, they’re not a question nor something with an invitation to protest but an observation…a conclusion.

“Things could have gone either way in that fire today” Tim couldn’t tear his gaze away from the door, just in case the stinging warning from his eyes finally produced a tear, he wasn’t ready for anyone to see. “And I couldn’t take the chance of losing her…” he only allowed himself a short breath to try regaining his composure but it was of no use. “She didn’t want to believe that we were going to die, she didn’t want to cry…” there was a quiet tremble to his voice as he did his best to continue, not catching on to how his hands had also begun to shake until Angela held onto it.

“Of course I still love her” he whispered but it came out choked.

“That was what I said. I told her that I still love her” Tim confessed.

From what he’d seen in many different eyes today, Tim watched the version of that sympathetic look that got sadder and the frown lines deeper at his expense. He wanted to look away again, not sure he is the one who deserves the sympathy. But Angela doesn’t give him the chance to, quickly pulling him into a tight embrace, cradling his head that way its buried in her shoulder most likely to give him a safe and semi hidden place to cry. 

He doesn’t. Not yet.

Angela’s hug is motherly, one that makes it easy to sink into and though he still hasn’t, makes it easy to want to let all the tears out but he’s already had a headstart to bury it deep. Tim doesn’t pull away, though he is certain Angela wouldn’t let him and she’d be right, as this was the closest thing to calming in the past two hours. It was nice to have comfort, nicer to know that it had not become a foreign thing that he wouldn’t be able to feel unless the circumstances work in all their favours.

“She didn’t say anything,” Tim said after a while. “I asked and she didn’t…” he trailed off.

Angela pulled away from their embrace to study his face, he’s not sure exactly what his expression says, his feelings are already complicated on the inside and he’s still learning to undo his facade of appearing unaffected when everything finds a new way to break inside of him.

“Lucy loves you too…you must know that” Angela tried to reassure him but Tim was already shaking his head.

“No, I don’t know that Lopez…not after everything I put her through” he countered. “And, there’s a high chance I may never know…” Tim swallowed, having to imply such a thing was harder to say out loud than he realized.

“Tim” she pleaded with his stubbornness. “Don’t get so caught up in blaming yourself for everything that you don’t see what’s clearly still there.”

Had his face betrayed him, showing a glimpse of how defeated he felt for Angela to smile weakly at him as she rubbed his soothingly in a way he’s seen her do with her kids to console them when they’re upset.

“A lot has happened and changed for both of you except for how much you love and care about each other” Angela was soft but firm in a way she hoped could break through Tim’s stubbornness. 

“Right now the past is not what matters, right now Lucy needs the people who love and care about her to be here for her when she wakes up and see her through this” Angela stated, talking about a positive outcome as though it was the only option and damn did it need to be.

Tim didn’t try to protest, didn’t deny or give the usual harsh reality perspective they were to have as officers in such situations, instead he’d only nod his head in agreement. Because the first step was belief.

“Do you mind if I make a call?” Tim said suddenly as a thought occurred to him in the short silence.

Angela didn’t ask questions, simply shaking her head with one final sad smile in his direction before heading off to somewhere Tim hadn’t paid attention to once he landed on the contact he was searching for.

His thumb hovered over the contact for a few seconds. Part of it is hesitation, unsure what the response would be and if this was even his call to make.

“Right now Lucy needs the people who love and care about her to be here for her…”

It’s mostly a reflex now but he doesn’t try to fight to break out of the habit, not as long as Lucy is still in there. Tim stares down the doors to the OR as he listens to the phone ring, desperately waiting for an answer.

Because what Angela said had rung true. Despite everything that has happened, Lucy needed those who loved and cared for her at her side.

They deserved to know.

“Hello?” 

Chapter Text

Numb. 

There is no other way she can think of to describe this…feeling at the moment.

But it was strange. Something she isn’t sure she had ever felt before. Maybe that was part of the reason it was hard to explain it to herself exactly what she was experiencing,

She simply didn’t know.

Opening her eyes hadn’t helped much. Her eyelids seemed to have fought with her to open and she can understand why having to resist the urge to close them back as the light seem to directly hit them and somehow made her eyes feel as though they were burning.

Perhaps that was to blame on the fluorescents.

Fluorescents? 

The blinks are slow but Lucy manages to adjust her eyes to the light, artificial as they were and causing her head to pound in a way that should have been unbearable. 

It takes a few more tries at blinking and getting used to the light that seemed too bright before Lucy even attempted to move around. There was a slight panic when nothing happened at first but soon felt the faintest twitch response of her very still weak body. Lucy wanted more but nothing happened next time she tried, not even that ghostly twitch that she’d now kill for to have some reason not to doubt she was even actually awake.

Maybe it was too early to force herself to move, maybe her body just needed more rest before it could attempt to move. She had settled on closing her eyes for a few minutes, be able to feel herself breathe and become alive again.

It had only been what couldn’t have been longer than a minute when Lucy felt herself become more aware of her body and what surrounded it…what held it. Her hand specifically.

It was tight.

Not in the way that was meant to hurt her but to let her know that someone was there…and they were desperate. Lucy kept her focus on this hold, they were holding her hand with both of theirs- bigger hands that enveloped hers. Though she may have described it as tight initially, she noticed everything else that it was.

Gentle. Careful. Pleading. Desperate. Hoping.

Warm.

Lucy knew this. She had memorized all these details that are not shown lightly but the warmth- that was the one she was most familiar with. Many times she had reached out for this warmth, the one that never burned but never dulled, somehow just always right, always knows how to soothe her even when she can’t figure out how. And now this same warmth is what ignites her body back into a state that imitates life.

Tim Bradford.

Her Tim Bradford.

Lucy opened her eyes again, not caring how quickly she’d done it and the way she gave herself no time to adjust to the light so that her eyes won’t burn. By some miracle they didn’t. Though it could be stubbornness numbing her to the sting. But Lucy couldn’t care about any of that right now, fighting with the little twinge of pain as she turned her head to the sign to prove herself right.

The small smile that creeps onto her face may be the easiest thing she had been able to do since waking up. For a few seconds that’s all she does or all she has the energy to do, but Lucy doesn’t mind, she’s happy with this- happy to have him here.

Tim still hasn’t looked up to see that she’s been staring at him. His head is atop their joined hands, Lucy feeling his breath introduces a new warmth, one of promises and hopes for a miracle. She cannot hear what he is saying exactly but she believes she still knows him- knows that he cares and worries more than he sometimes shows and when it comes to her…it hits him differently, almost as if the bullets were his own.

At the first drop of what could only be a tear, Lucy’s fingers finally move under Tim’s hold. It isn’t much of a thought but a subconscious act to want to comfort him, wipe away the tear that there’s no need for. She’d done it so many times before that now even though she was the one in the hospital bed, her reflex was to soothe him before he cried.

The little movement must have caught Tim’s attention because his head is back up in an instant and staring right into her very awake eyes. Lucy feels that she still has on her little smile and thinks it grows just a bit more as Tim’s widened stare dissipates into a slump of his shoulders after his eyes scan her face.

He could finally breathe.

“Hey” Lucy said, her voice hoarse from hours of disuse.

Tim doesn’t say anything at first, seeming to be adjusting to the light like Lucy had been a few minutes ago, but in this case, she was the light he was getting back used to.

“You’re awake” Tim uttered, still in disbelief.

“Yeah…yeah I guess I am” where there should have been soreness as Lucy let out a weak laugh, she had felt numb- perhaps it had to do with the medication or that thing that happens when all her awareness is shifted onto Tim.

Tim doesn’t say anything after that for a while and that had been perfectly fine. He was still adjusting, from whispered breaths of hope onto their clasped hands to letting the relief wash over him enough to relax into a smile at eyes that smiled back. They’d stay like that, almost unmoving except for the smallest creases in the eyes and corners of their lips the longer they continued in silence. The words would eventually come, but for now this- being able to hold onto each other’s very living body was more than good.

“The doctor said the surgery was successful and they were able to get the bullets out without any complications” Tim updated Lucy on her condition and she is not sure why it took her so long to notice the way his eyes glistened especially now as he tried not to choke on his words.

“Sounds almost too good to be true” Lucy muttered, finally feeling movement in her arm as it came up to hover over her chest. 

It was unreal- or was it surreal, she isn’t sure which word is the correct term used for this moment but she leaned more towards the latter. Though she had known the bullets no longer remained, there was still that strange ghostly piercing feeling as though nothing had changed but Lucy knew it was just her mind reliving the moment over again.

Eventually the stinging would turn numb then slowly fade until it becomes nothing, but for now she still feels all of it. The memories are still fresh just as much as the feeling of the bullets and all of a sudden she’s back there- on the ground. Lucy doesn’t have the typical “life flash before her eyes” moment but she sees moments- the significant ones, the happy and sad mixed all into one pile of what ifs.

But mostly, she wondered…what it would’ve been like if she could have gone back a few hours and changed one thing.

Smiling didn’t hurt, there was no pain that came with it but still Lucy kept it small. The delicate and softness of her smile was not much a conscious effort but more a natural reaction as Lucy takes in Tim’s hands that were still enclosed around hers, showing no signs of pulling away. She’s happy for it, remembering the way that Tim’s touch could soothe her- his hands were rough from the job, everything he’s been through in life but Lucy never felt that when he held her.

That softness. The gentle care that spoke the things he didn’t say out loud…until he did.

And even after he said what they both knew, he still said so much in his touches just like right now. And Lucy…

“There’s something I need to say” Lucy finally spoke, breaking them out of the reverie they’d fallen into during the quiet. Tim’s brows had shot up, he may have been surprised and curious at the sudden urgency in Lucy’s voice but there was a bit of concern- he tried to hide it but there was a twitch to his jaw probably preparing for the worse. 

“I was scared when we were trapped in that fire but I think I was more scared when I got shot, because that time I was alone” Lucy uttered, tracing circles on Tim’s hand to help her through this. “But what was scarier was the thought of leaving you and never having you know that…that I still love you too” Lucy confessed, the tears not doing much to the stinging feeling in her eyes.

“I never stopped” she felt the need to add for further confirmation.

Lucy is not sure how long the silence lasts for, using the time in between to wipe away as much of the tears that have fallen with her free hand. It is ridiculous that such a simple confession has made her so emotional that part of her wishes to blame it on whatever medication they’ve put her on.

But Tim was still holding onto her hand.

“I’m happy- more than happy to know that I-” Tim smiled, even bigger than the relief he felt when Lucy finally woke up. “For a while I thought that…maybe I ruined everything” he trailed off, the light catching the way his eyes glistened- he was just as emotional as her about this.

“I want us” Lucy didn’t want to fall into the silence anymore, wanting the worse of them behind for good. It’s bold what she said but she didn’t find much problem in that. They’ve already lost too much time by being apart and almost lost whatever time remained.

“Are you sure?” Tim asked, seeming to hold himself back from any excitement or hope, still preparing for it all to turn against him.

Lucy used her free hand to cover his, waiting until his eyes are back on her to smile warmly at him, it is a bit somber now but no less soft.

“I’m still scared” part of the reason for the quietness is the hoarseness of her voice but also how it still isn’t easy to talk about- even with those three words finally out between them. “But I know that there will never be anyone else for me, even if I stay single for the rest of my life I will always want you- want us.”

Finally that broke a smile out of Tim, burying his head onto the joined hands where Lucy was sure she felt at least a singular water droplet. There hadn’t been much time to focus on the possibility that Tim had begun crying as Lucy felt something brush over her knuckles. She knows this touch, felt it littered across her face many times before, has come to learn that each one means something different. This one is a whisper of what she still feels fully- his comfort, his relief, his love.

All in one kiss.

“I want that too” Tim matched her quietness as though keeping it a secret from the rest of the world and just something for only them to know.

“I’m going to do everything I can to help you not be scared anymore- we can get through this, I believe in us” another whispered kiss to her hand. “I am not walking away- not now, not ever” the words have a familiarity about it that she has failed to push out of her mind but she’ll allow this one to stay, there’s something beautifully haunting about this promise.

“I love you.”

There is nothing instantaneous that changes after a few more whispered confessions but there are subtle differences in the conversations their eyes carry. The promise of soon.

The concept of time is something that should not be dwelled on for a long period of time to avoid insanity, but Lucy had nothing but time in that hospital and even more at her apartment. The slower hours seem the more intolerable, partially because of the prolonged extension of boredom but mostly how it slows down recovery. Though where there should be numbness only became more painful as though something had been pressing down on the invisible bullets.

Lucy had done her best to convince herself that none of it was real- that the pain had more to do with the memory still being fresh in her mind. But the ghostly bullets only seem to be pressed deeper into her chest and made every conviction feel like a new lie.

And then there was Tim. 

In other instances it would appear to be a small fix- the distraction to the long running hours aided by his presence- but this was Tim and to anyone else that would not mean so much but to Lucy…this was Tim. There was this strange thing time did whenever Tim was around, Lucy didn’t notice it the first few times but that is simply to do with how there’d be no reason to count minutes, everything just faded. She noticed it when a few times over to visit became only going home for a fresh set of clothes. Lucy thought of it as time’s newest trick, given the way time had found almost the perfect balance between going by fast but not going anywhere at all. The moments would move by quickly but she can hold onto it long enough to make out a few details.

Recovery goes better than expected- faster than she expected too as well that Lucy cannot pinpoint the day the pain subsided except for the still healing chest wound. But other things have healed up very nicely after having spent too long seeming unrepairable but the heart- metaphorical and literal- takes more time and more than one conversation to recover.

It’s not always happy but this wouldn’t be a proper recovery without acknowledging the few remaining still open wounds and tears that come because of how painful healing something long overdue is. In the end the wounds seem to never have even existed given the easiness of which they move now. Neither question the ease or quickness or the how it happened because they’re happy and that was all that should matter.

Lucy is not sure she remembers much about the conversations, they sit in fragments in her mind from time to time but she never pushes for more, believing they’ve served their purpose. Now she stands in the end result, months have now passed and it feels nice to be able to smile how she used to as though finally having hit unpause on the life she never thought she’d get back. But she did- watching as Tim unpacked the last box in the house they were meant to stay their future in together.

And now they were gonna do it.

They were going to be happy.

They were going to keep telling each other how much they loved them.

Life would seem so simple- so easy.

Then time would do that thing where it moved fast but linger just enough to remember a smile.

“You look beautiful.”

Lucy realizes now that she must have lost track of how much time has truly passed, spending too long looking at herself in the mirror standing head to toe in white. A bouquet of her favourite flowers in her hand. Smiling was such an easy thing to do these days, but today a tear came with it, she didn’t feel it on her cheek but it reflected in the mirror. And Lucy, she made no move to wipe it away because for once it showed her joy. Today each tear was a reward.

“Thank you Tamara” Lucy turned to see the girl who had become her family. 

“I’m happy you’re getting your dream” Tamara’s eyes glistened reflected hers and it’s not long before they’re both doing their best not to cry too much in each other’s arms. It’s another reminder of how much time has passed, more conversations Lucy doesn’t fully remember but happy that it brought her back to simpler times with someone she cares about.

If Lucy had learned anything, it is that life was too short to let things go unsaid.

So she says more than “I do” and so does Tim. He says all the words she’s wanted to hear from him, the promises, the regrets, the reassurances and of course how much he loves her. Their eyes shine almost as bright as their smiles by the end of their vows where Lucy must’ve said “I love you” at least eight times or more but never enough not wasting another moment to become a what if.

The rest of the ceremony is great but Lucy spends most of that time between staring at her ring or holding onto her husband. Tim vowed he wouldn’t walk away, he promised that she was his top priority, that her heart would never go through that kind of pain again, and she believed him. Lucy felt a whole world lifted off her shoulders knowing that she could trust Tim again, knowing that when he held her close it was not preparing her to be without him.

For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Till death do they part…

And even after then.

She loved him.

She forgave him.

Lucy would often joke that their lives are too perfect and Tim would laugh with her and agree that they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe it was because they’ve been burned so many times that pure undisturbed bliss seemed too good to be true that they didn’t know what to do with something they were still learning to believe they deserved. 

It was perfectly fine to be happy- perfectly fine to be loved- perfectly fine to be chosen- perfectly fine to heal from mistakes.

Perfect.

“Can everyday be like this until the end of time?” Lucy mumbled from her place, face buried in Tim’s side where she was able to feel the vibrations of his laughter.

“If that’s what you want” Lucy smiled as he kissed the top of her head. She didn’t want to open her eyes yet, she needed to savour this moment of peace before it’s swiftly taken away from her.

“Yeah right, those two gremlins will eventually wear down Angela and Wesley and our mornings will soon be back to consisting of tiny feet kicks as a wake up call” Lucy chuckled as she curls her body more into Tim.

“Yeah but…” he looked down at her, bringing the hand not holding onto her waist up to her lips. “I wouldn’t want this life any other way or with anyone else” he said softly.

Lucy finally opened her eyes to the lazy morning sun but she didn’t look for the sun, it’s been a while since she sought it out first thing- she had something better. Each time she woke on a morning whether the sun was hidden or blinding others eyes, Lucy always faced Tim so that she could see his eyes boring into her, sometimes she saw the sun reflected in them but always she saw how he stared at her as if she were a star in the sky herself. So why should she turn to the sun for light when she feels it every time her husband's lips touch her skin to whisper a new found devotion.

“I love you” she smiles lazily, brushing her lips over his, it’s too faint to be a proper kiss but she’d doesn’t mind the ghostly sweetness of this.

“Do you?” it’s not a serious question, Lucy knows this but just a form of Tim’s teasing to get a reaction out of her. It always works and by the end of it he wears a satisfied grin as she finishes her need to defend herself.

“I am not feeling into this trap just for you to get compliments and boost your ego” Lucy laughs as she pulls away from Tim to get out of their bed. He’s laughing too, pleading his case while reaching out to her but he’s only able to graze her arms before Lucy jumps off the bed. Her hand is to her chest as she tries containing her laughter at Tim’s phony annoyed face, feeling smug about her small victory in their silly games.

But then Lucy makes the mistake of turning to catch her breath, leaving her staring directly out of their bedroom window.

It’s a beautiful day out, there are barely any clouds in the sky and somehow that makes the sun look bright. It almost looks unnatural what she’s staring at.

“Did we sleep until noon? It’s already so bright out” Lucy asked, taking a step closer to the window.

“No it’s just past eight…” Tim continues talking but it sounds faint as Lucy continues staring out the window.

She doesn’t know exactly what she’s looking for, but she’s staring. It’s almost addictive the way the rays of the sun seep through the window, bathing the last few steps before her in an unusual glow. For some reason Lucy feels entranced by it, mesmerized by how the brightness grows into something almost blinding.

It feels nice.

That is the strange thing about it, she can feel the light. It starts at her feet and slowly makes its way up while leaving shivers on her skin. Lucy doesn’t move away from it even though something tells her that she should but something keeps her there staring as she slowly drowns in the sun’s light. Lucy can feel it slowly consuming her, the full brightness almost up to her eyes and her eyelids start to flutter. There almost seems to be nothing around her as she listens to the faded sound of her name.

“Lucy…” 

But it is not the light.

And for a moment the spell breaks as the voice comes into clarity.

“Lucy please” it’s Tim…and he’s begging.

Lucy looked away from their bedroom window, only to see Tim was further away now, he still sat on the bed- on the edge now but still the same place whereas for her…she’d made it within reaching distance of the window that was on the other side of the room.

“Come back to bed” he was begging. “Don’t do this…don’t-” Tim’s voice shook, his words quieter than she ever heard from him and he was begging. Why? 

It felt impossible to form any words to ask the reason for his strange behaviour all of a sudden. Nothing came out of her mouth as she parted her lips except for the faintest sound that sounded close to choking back a sob. All Lucy seemed to be able to do was stare at Tim- her husband…

“Don’t go, we’re both happy here” Tim pleaded as he got off the bed trying to reach her.

Lucy didn’t put her hand out to make it easier for him to get to her, instead she kept it on her chest…the same place where the bullets struck her all that time ago. It was a habit she developed after her surgery, her hand usually found the faded scars whenever she felt pressure in that area. She never understood why it felt like that- like the bullets were still there digging into her flesh even though they weren’t. But Lucy stopped trying to figure out the reason why it happened a long time ago, choosing to ignore it until it passed. It worked after her conversation with Tim, it worked on their wedding day, it worked when she gave birth to their daughters.

“This is what we’ve always wanted and we finally have it” he tried to remind her and now he was close enough to touch her, trailing his hands down her cheek. Lucy knew how warm those hands felt, how gentle they are despite the rough calluses.

And that was exactly the problem. She knew.

She knew but it was her memories filling up the missing parts of what she wasn’t feeling.

“I know” Lucy choked out, leaning into his touch even though she knew there was nothing there to give her that comfort.

“We did it Lucy, we’re finally happy…together” Lucy looked up into the eyes of the man she loves, the man she was able to call her husband, the man that she called Tim Bradford. She’s able to smile at him and he smiles back at him but hers never reached her eyes- it can’t- the burning pressure is still there and it only seems to add weight to her heart and squeeze all the air out of her lungs.

“It’s perfect” Lucy breathed out, trying not to let her vision of Tim blur too much that he’s unrecognizable.

“Our own happy ever after” he whispered as he pressed his forehead to hers. Lucy nods because he is right and she so desperately wants it to be right. She wants for everything between them to just be that easy, she wants to stay here, she wants to stay where it’s easy. But she can’t get lost in the scent- the aftershave she put him on months ago, something woodsy, strangely sweet yet so indescribably Tim had been absent.

Though she couldn’t feel any of them, tears continued to run down her cheeks as she stared up at him.

This wasn’t her Tim.

Lucy didn’t try to stop the tears from falling because none of it mattered- she couldn’t feel any of it no matter how real her mind deceived her to think it was. Soon she was shaking as her sobs grew louder as Tim held her whispering the words she’s always wanted to hear from him as he continued to remind her how much he is still in love with her, kissing it into every inch of her skin in an attempt to wipe away the invisible tears.

And god how she wishes she could actually have this.

His lips. His love.

Him. 

There seems not to be much time left as the light no longer waits for Lucy to make those last few steps towards it. They’re now even brighter than they were before as they engulf her, slowly pushing her further into the white glow that is strangely peaceful. Lucy realizes she has no choice in what will eventually happen no matter the allure of happy ever after.

“Tim” she calls out to him one last time, the light doesn’t reach him but the reflection bounces off of him. Lucy watches him for a while, just to commit to memory the life they had always dreamed of sharing one day when it seemed like a possibility.

The light was taking over, slowly fading away the world she had built with the man in front of her away into almost nothing. 

But Lucy held onto Tim for as long as she could, not wanting him to slip away from her again but like last time that wouldn’t be her choice to make. He would eventually disappear right in front of her eyes, leaving her all alone with a wounded heart.

“I’m sorry that I left without telling you that I love you.”

Chapter Text

“Hello?” 

The voice called out into the silence for the second time, sounding more confused than initially. The silent huff into the lingering silence seemed to be what finally shook Tim out of his unresponsive state. He hadn’t noticed what he was doing, or more accurately what he wasn’t doing. Tim only remembered the phone ringing, the only thing he could feel was each pulse of his heart, heavier than the last as though one wrong intake of breath and it would all be over.

The reminders of “it’s just a call” doesn’t work, he could repeat it a hundred times but it wouldn’t work because this was not just a call. And perhaps that was the part that he was struggling with. In his career he had to make these kinds of calls too many times to keep up with, sometimes having to look at gunshot victims' loved ones in person and watch as that grief take over once reality settles (it never actually settles, it stays there…bothersome). He’d gotten those calls and seen it once before but this…

“Hello?” 

The patience is wearing thin by the third call into that still lingering silence he still had yet to break. Part of him is surprised that they remained, Tim could hear the annoyed huff but he heard what was beneath it…the fear- concern that there was something wrong. Because it was him who was calling.

“Hey Tamara” Tim finally answered and was glad that she hasn’t hung up at the sound of his voice. “I know that I am probably one of the last people you want to speak to right now or ever but…”

He is mostly confident that is the truth, the two have not seen much of each other and the few times that they had, they never talked after he broke up with Lucy. If anything he no longer existed in Tamara’s life, he just became yet another person to walk out of her life without explanation, just disappointment. Tim couldn’t fault Tamara for sticking by Lucy’s side, it made the most sense and he was glad for it, though he was drowning in his own self hatred, the knowledge that there was people in Lucy’s corner who would make sure she’s ok when he no longer could, it numbed the heaviness he carried for a few minutes each time.

“You…um- are you- are you somewhere safe right now? I’m not sure if the fires reached where you are but…you’re somewhere safe right?” Tim knew he was stalling, but he couldn’t say the other thing…not yet. This was not easy news to take, he’d still been struggling with this new reality himself, so how was he supposed to soften the blow of something that will hurt regardless. 

Prolonging the inevitable was probably not a good idea, Tim being one of those who preached going for the direct approach because nothing will change what has already happened. But a few more seconds without knowing, a few more seconds before forgetting how normal was meant to feel, he could grant her that. Besides Tim needed to ensure that Tamara was safe…it’s something Lucy would’ve wanted.

“Yeah, we were on campus when the fires started but everyone was evacuated and brought to one of those safety shelters” Tamara replied and for once Tim felt breathing to be easier. “I’m not sure when I can return back to my place but hopefully with the fires being put out I won’t have to stay here overnight.” 

“Good, that’s good” Tim let out another breath of relief, glad to hear some good news that eases him for a short while knowing that someone he cares about- Lucy cares about is safe.

Tamara continues talking to him, telling him more about where she is and what’s going on and Tim finds it nice to be able to talk to her like this again. The last time they saw each other in person was at the station, neither had even greeted each other but this…it felt like old times. It reminded him of those awkward conversations they had in the beginning when Lucy wasn’t there before growing into something more comfortable as they figured out their own dynamic. Their phone call resembled something close to normalcy but Tim knew, things were far from being normal and Tamara deserved to know.

He’d dragged it on for long enough, he needed to tell Tamara, she had the right to know. She was Lucy’s family, one of the only ones that mattered.

“Tamara…” he sighed, cutting off her ramble about the food. She’d gone quiet, giving him her attention, she was listening, she would hear those words, there was no protecting her from this. He had already failed in protecting Lucy and now he wouldn’t be able to protect Tamara in a whole new way.

“I don’t know exactly everything that is going on between you and Lucy right now but-” deep breaths Tim reminded himself, needing to gain all his composure to get through the rest of this without sounding on the verge of his emotions eating away at him. “None of that is important right now, put whatever it is aside because she needs you because…”

“Lucy was shot.”

It’s the first time that Tim has actually said the words out loud.

For once it isn’t just a harrowing reminder that ricochets through his mind. 

Sounding it out from his own lips makes it all feel final as his words echo through his body.

This was a whole new pain, making everything he’d been experiencing before feel miniscule.

There’s been silence on the other end since but that was to be expected, news like this doesn’t sound out its reaction at first before breaking everything inside. Tim hadn’t said anything more after that, giving Tamara time to process those short three words that were the longest everything. Tim took advantage of the silence for himself as well, shutting his eyes as tight as he could to be able to feel the burn for a few short seconds before willing his eyes back open and allowing himself the faintest twist of his nose in hopes to ground himself.

“What happened?” Tamara’s voice sounded weaker the next time Tim heard her and he knows, just like he assumed, the news had brought her to the verge of crying but she was holding it back enough just to talk. And right now he’d answer any and all questions she had, even if she chose to stay silent, he’ll stay on the phone until she’s ready because he wanted to be there for her, trying to give her comfort in a situation that held none.

“It was a drive by, she wasn’t the target but…” Tim was direct with his answer not wanting to continue dragging out an already opening wound but his words are soon dead on his tongue as he sounds out their reality.

“Is she going to be ok?”

Tim wants to give the answer that he’d been giving to everyone and himself all day- “Lucy is strong and she’s a fighter” but those words never make it past his lips.

“I don’t know, it’s really bad Tamara- she took two to the chest and- and…” Tim’s voice cracks for the first time as his words shake since he last held onto Lucy’s hand. And too soon he’s back there, watching her droopy eyes fighting consciousness and the dried tears stains on her cheeks as he tried to ignore the blood that was all over her but some had gotten on her cheek and then- then suddenly her blood was on his hand- she was gone but her blood was still there…it was all he had left.

“I don’t know anything, there hasn’t been any updates but I really hope that she is doing ok because- because if not then I…” he hears Tamara take in a deep breath and he knows that she’s trying to keep herself calm as she processes all of this and probably doing much better than he is, feeling like he’s losing himself to a spiral.

“Everything will be fine, these are some of the best doctors in the state…Lucy’s in good hands” Tim isn’t sure if he’s trying to convince Tamara or himself or if either of them believe what he’s saying but they pretend that they do, because it’s easier.

“Would it be weird if I- if I came over to the hospital…I- I just don’t think that I can sit here by myself knowing this and be fine, I don’t think I can be ok…” Tamara said quietly.

“I understand” Tim understands so that she doesn’t feel the need to continue, knowing that she couldn’t hold her tears back any longer. “I’ll arrange for an officer to pick you up soon.”

“Thank you.”

Another five or ten minutes had passed before Tim had gotten off the phone with Tamara. There hadn’t been that much talking, Tim keeping his promise to stay on the phone until he thought she would be fine, listening as she goes from silently crying to composing herself as she prepares to leave.

Tim knows that he had made the right choice in phoning Tamara but he can’t say that he feels that much better, still feeling weighed down by the whole circumstances of today and all that was still left unknown. This is what Lucy needs, because if he can’t be there then at least Lucy will have someone who she considers family who can.

“Bradford!” 

It’s Angela who spots him when he makes his way back to the main area, finding her standing almost the same place he had last seen her but this time she stood with his rookie.

“Your straightforward hit and run case has now turned into a false impersonation and theft charge, your boot here has already made the arrest, all that’s left to do is take her down to the station for questioning” Angela gives him a rundown on what he missed, if this were any another day she’d have made a joke that he should be singing her praises for doing his job for him. But today wasn’t any of those days.

“Boot, go check in with the doctor on the victim’s condition then head to the shop and keep an eye on the caregiver” Miles nodded, leaving after he received his instructions from Angela.

Once Penn was gone, Angela’s eyes were focused on Tim and he could see all the questions that she wasn’t asking. He doesn’t know how much more he can take from people looking at him with this somberness because they feel pity for him. There’s this part of him that wants to act ignorant and annoyed, pretending that their sympathy is wasted on him when he's physically fine but, it’s clear they see what he can’t, what he thinks he has been doing a decent job in keeping under wraps. And usually he’s good at not letting any of that brokenness slip out that others would notice- Tim had done it for almost his entire life, believing if he ignores the pain long enough it’ll bury itself so that he doesn’t have to acknowledge it.

But he isn’t that man anymore- hasn’t been for a while. Tim could say it’s thanks to therapy but he’d been wearing his heart on his sleeve even before then.

“Your eyes are what gives you away” Tim remembered Lucy telling him when they played one of those games of deceit. And while he may be frowning, his eyes are what Angela focuses on- maybe she sees the same things Lucy usually would. How do eyes look when they are sad? Does one look for the barely held back tears reflecting in the light or did eyes have their own way of frowning like lips do?

Lucy would know. She’d say that his eyes have a different way of communicating his emotions. And of course she would be right.

“How’s Tamara?” Angela asked instead of the other thing- how is he? Tim is grateful that she doesn’t because he isn’t sure that he figured it out.

“As well as you’d expect someone to react to such news about their loved one” he answered, running a hand through his hair. “She cried.”

Tim hadn’t initially realized the tremor in his voice, only taking notice of how uneasy his breathing had become after Angela pulled him into a hug unprompted. It’s the second one she had given him in the past hour and he should protest and claim that he’s fine and doesn’t need sympathy. But the comfort felt nice, something easy to get lost into for just a few moments and forget the brokenness building inside him.

“It’s gonna be ok” Angela said, using that soft maternal voice she uses on Jack when he scrapes his knee. It’s reassuring and makes it almost easy to believe what she’s saying.

“Thanks,” Tim uttered after pulling away, feeling a bit awkward after being held. “Do you mind picking up Tamara for me and staying with her here- I was going to get another officer to do it but I think she’ll feel better seeing a familiar face” he asked.

“Of course, it’s not a problem” Tim sighed in relief as Angela nodded, accepting without any hesitation.

“Thank you Lopez, she really doesn’t want to be alone right now and I need at least one person that I care about to be ok.”

Angela didn’t say anything for a brief moment, just watching him as a somber smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “You all are gonna be ok.”

…

Everything passes by in a blur after Tim finally leaves the hospital. It isn’t that he isn’t aware of everything happening around him, he does, remembering the parts that are important as they bring in their suspect for processing, moving around like normal. But nothing is. The world may be moving and so may he but the things that should move aren’t and he isn’t sure how he is still holding on while the time seems to stay the same.

Somehow he had to be ok with not being able to do anything. But wait.

Three rings is as long as he waits for.

“Thorsen, tell me that you have something.”

“Well hello to you to Bradford” Aaron sassed in response to Tim’s lack of greeting.

“If you want pleasantries then you better have some good news” it came out rougher than Tim intended, the desperation starting to form into impatience. He sighed and tried again, going for a gentler but still firm tone. “Have you found anything that could be of any use in catching this guy?”

“Not yet,” Aaron replied unfazed. “Nolan called wanting to know if North Hollywood had anything useful to offer on something he found at Harper’s, so I’ve been a little distracted but I did get around to it eventually” then he paused.

Tim didn’t know what he was supposed to make of the silence. Every bad scenario started playing out in his head that he’d almost missed when Aaron started speaking again.

“There’s nothing, the man has been moving like a ghost, no known location, seems like he moves around so that he isn’t easy to tail” Aaron sighed, sounding just as disappointed as Tim felt.

“Well, he can’t be that smart if he’s shooting cops in broad daylight, he’s bound to slip and show up somewhere” Tim said, getting fed up that that idiot was still out somewhere roaming free when three people were fighting for their lives because of him. “Keep me updated” his anger keeps slipping into his tone but if Aaron notices he doesn’t mention it.

“Hey um I hope that you don’t mind but I told Grey about helping out by trying to find a location on Connor, he wants me to keep him updated as well” Aaron confessed.

The anger dissipates and all that is left is silence as Tim struggles to figure out the right reaction. Tim knows that he can’t be upset about this, there isn’t a reason to be- not even an irrational one he could convince himself of that would be valid. Thorsen had done the right thing. Tim wanted the right thing to be done as well, he wanted this guy to be caught, he wanted to see that guy in cuffs- put the cuffs on himself. But given his state right now, barely holding onto his composure, playing everything by the hour not knowing when everything inside would inevitably break…maybe Tim wasn’t the right person to do anything right now.

“No it’s fine, you did the right thing” Tim assured, nodding though no one can see him. “Thanks” he says next, doing his best to sound fine. Surely his voice doesn’t give him away as his eyes do.

“Lucy’s gonna be fine,” Aaron reassured right back.

Maybe it does.

…

“Boot!” 

The continuous stream of nothingness is beginning to eat away at the last bits of patience that Tim has clung to and having to call Penn for the third time as he gets lost in his own mind is not helping find ease in this situation.

“If you’re done counting sheep in your head, we still have a job to do” Tim said, probably adding too much bite to his tone but it does the trick of startling Penn back into the present.

“Um, yes s-sorry sir, I- it’s just- sorry…” Miles started making his way to their shop, stumbling over his words but stopping before he could pull the door open. “It’s a bit more of a struggle than I realized to process what’s happened…with Officer Chen” he’d added the last part after a beat, not necessarily for clarity but more so the impact.

Tim looks over to his rookie as though seeing him for the first time that day, Penn already sinking back into somberness. What Tim had thought to be unprofessionally distracted had actually been a far away look clouded by devastation while trying to understand what the hell happened and searching for answers that felt still too far out of reach. Whatever thoughts his mind supplied him with only deepened his frown, hanging his head in defeat.

The impact.

The longer Tim observes Penn's battle with reverting back his focus on the job and not his sorrow, it soon becomes another reminder for Tim that he wasn’t the only person affected by the news.

Tim hadn’t really taken the time to take in the faces of his fellow officers once the news broke out across the station. He didn’t see anyone else’s devastation other than his own and it’s bad and most probably insensitive but he didn’t know how not to, not when every other minute his mind had only tortured him with the image of Lucy’s fingers slipping out of his hold as she was wheeled away to where he couldn’t cross- where he could do nothing- because he did nothing.

Now he wondered what he would’ve seen if he paid attention to the others. Do they wear the same devastation that he does? Or is it not that desperate for them, wearing them down as every hour passes without a single change. They may frown and have that downcast look plaguing their entire expression…but does it feel like the bullet ricocheted?

“I may not have known Officer Chen as long as you and other officers here have but, you don’t have to know her long enough for something like this to hurt deeply” Miles didn’t seem to be able to keep quiet any longer and Tim doesn’t try shutting him down, knowing that expressing grief is helpful in processing emotions.

“Seeing bad things happen to good people is not easy, they don’t deserve it” Miles shakes his head. “Especially someone like Officer Chen, she’s a great cop, an even better person and despite my cockiness when I first started she still chose to show compassion. I’ve learned a lot from her during our short ride together…” Miles trails off and Tim can see he’s getting lost in his thoughts again.

Soon Miles collects himself and continues on and Tim lets him but he tunes him out, feeling the threat of his own memories with Lucy and how great of a person she has always been wanting to surface. Tim doesn’t want to go there, to reminisce, because that…that would make it feel as though everything has ended- everything is final, that time has run out. 

He would not grieve. He would not mourn. He would not reminisce. And he would not fucking allow himself to cry.

Because there was still hope.

Right now reality may be one of the worst things he’s experiencing but if he knows one thing to be real that he clings to, it is that Lucy Chen in that operating room fighting for her life. So he will not stand here and start seeing Lucy as memories he looks back on when he misses having her here and thinking about what it was like having her in this world.

The sound of his phone ringing saves him from a dangerous spiral and whatever story Miles was in the middle of retelling (and he’s partially thankful for that).

“Hey, is everything alright?” Tim answered the phone instantly when he saw what name appeared on the screen.

“Yeah technically I guess…” Tamara’s voice comes through the phone, sounding a little more steady than the last time they spoke. “Angela dropped me off at the hospital, she got a call about something relating to the case I think, she said she’ll be back in a few minutes” Tim hears each sighs she takes, each sounding heavier than the other. He doesn’t say anything yet other than soft hums to indicate that he’s listening, knowing that there’s still more she wants to say.

“Angela told me that Nyla’s here, that James also got shot along with someone else…” Tamara hesitates, uncertain as she gears herself up to say whatever it is. “Angela said that I could wait here in the main area if I don’t feel comfortable navigating to the waiting room but…would it be weird if I wanted you here, I just think it’d help make all of this easier…” she asked shyly.

“It’s not weird, I’m on my way” Tim doesn’t hesitate, promising that he’ll be there as as he can as he opens the shop door. Tamara sounds relieved that he accepted what she thought was a ridiculous notion but Tim reassured her it was fine. Before taking his seat behind the steering wheel, Tim orders Miles to see where he can help out around the station and thankful his rookie does what he’s told without sending a questioning look in his direction.

“7-Adam-100 10-7B personal”

Tim may not be able to do anything to help Lucy right now but the least he could do is be there for Tamara.

…

He would have been there earlier if it wasn’t for the random traffic. Or not being able to turn off his cop eyes and noticing a crime in progress and radioing for units in the area to respond. Or the slow car he was stuck behind.

There’s nothing else Tim can think of to blame- but he wants to blame everything.

Because he could’ve been there earlier.

...Should’ve been.

What would’ve a few seconds to a minute have changed? Absolutely nothing. 

Tim had just entered the hospital for what felt like the hundredth time that day, his steps hurried as his eyes scan the front area for any signs of Tamara.

Then his phone rang.

It was Angela.

The first thing that Tim hears once he answers the phone is the sharp intake of breath his friend takes and the quiet noise seems to be the start of his undoing. His stomach is already turning at the short second of silence before Angela speaks.

“Where are you?” It's a simple question.

“I just arrived at the hospital, Tamara called and said she wanted me here” he answers, somehow sounding fine.

“I just got back a few minutes ago, Tamara’s with me now” Angela tells him, each words sounding almost practiced, cautious.

Then she pauses.

“Tim…I got an update,” she says gently. Tim knows that tone, used it too many times on this job.

He’s feeling all of it at once. Feels his heart racing miles a minutes, pushing against his ribs. Feels the churning way of his stomach as though burning with acid. Feels his throat closing up as his lungs struggle.

“It’s about Lucy.”

And suddenly, just like that, all the colour drains out of the world.

And he’s falling.