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Sunday looked down at his completely wet shoes, feeling his socks drenched in rainwater, the sensation sending chills through his spine. His whole body felt almost unbearably wet and cold, and all he could do was wait under a tree for the downpour to stop, or to at least become less violent. The drops had felt like bullets hitting his face while running towards that impromptu hiding spot. He hated every single sensation that the situation was causing him, and he was sure that his face wasn’t hiding the way he felt in any way.
However, Sunday found himself unsure about what was causing him more distress in that entire situation: the fact that he was stuck far away from home, in the middle of a storm at nighttime, or the fact that he was stuck under that tree with the man he had just broken up with.
Sunday glanced to the side, face hardened with dissatisfaction. He looked at Anaxa, who was seemingly completely calm, smoking a cigarette and staring off into the distance, as if nothing was wrong, as if they hadn’t just run away from a storm in the middle of one of the most painful conversations they had ever had.
It almost felt like a slap in the face, and Sunday couldn’t help but let out a frustrated sigh as he shifted his gaze towards the opposite side, avoiding the sight of his now ex-boyfriend.
“Why exactly are we just standing here?”
Sunday looked over at Anaxa again, eyebrows furrowed with a hint of disbelief at what he had just heard.
“What else do you expect us to do? Run through the dark streets, get even more wet, and maybe even slip and fall face-first onto the sidewalk?”
Anaxa couldn’t help but let out a small huff at those words, almost amused by the mental image of either one of them slipping on a rain puddle and basically kissing the dirty sidewalk. He wouldn’t have usually found it funny, but in that moment, he would’ve taken any chance just to take his attention off the black hole he felt in his chest. Despite hiding it pretty well, masking the sorrow he felt after being broken up with by the love of his life behind a mask of calmness bordering on indifference, he was struggling to keep himself perfectly composed.
He felt as if it wasn’t for Sunday standing right next to him and providing some sort of comfort through his mere presence, Anaxa would’ve most likely kneeled on the ground into a sobbing mess. He felt almost pathetic for that mere thought, but even more so because he knew he was seconds away from doing just that, if he didn’t find something, anything to distract himself with.
Anaxa took a deep breath, taking a drag of the cigarette he was holding with just his two lips. The tobacco was almost over, and he could already feel the filter heating up against his lips, stinging him where he had left small bitemarks when previously trying to suppress a burst of tears in front of Sunday.
“Why not? We’re already completely drenched. I doubt that any of us would fall, and you can just use your wings to cover your face anyway”, he responded quietly.
The other sighed softly. “That… still sounds like a really stupid idea…”
Sunday was already well accustomed to some of Anaxa’s antics, doing dangerous things impulsively just to try something out, just to see the outcomes, without even taking into account the fear that those close to him felt about one day losing him to one of his unhinged experiments. It was admirable and almost endearing to see Anaxa be so determined in the exploration of his ideas, not just by thinking about them, but also putting them into action.
However, it was also incredibly frustrating.
How that man could seemingly be so dismissive about other people worrying about him was beyond Sunday’s comprehension, to the point that the Halovian often wondered if Anaxa could even grasp the idea of someone else caring about his safety.
“The worst that can happen would be getting sick”, Anaxa replied.
“The worst that can happen is actually that one of us falls in the middle of the road and gets run over by a truck that didn’t see us in time because it’s dark and couldn’t stop because it’s raining cats and dogs.”
Anaxa couldn’t help but let the corners of his lips curl up into a small and exasperated smile. “I can assure you that the probability of that happening is so low that it shouldn’t cause any concerns.”
The mint-haired man then let out a small sigh. Somehow, the reminder of how paranoid and overprotective Sunday could be tugged at his heart, making it clench even more painfully than it already did. He found himself unable to control the tears any longer. But the thought of his now ex-boyfriend seeing him cry over their breakup was just as painful. Because he knew that Sunday, who was already prone to feeling extremely guilty over the smallest things, would feel even worse than he already did at the sight of Anaxa crying because of him.
Either way, crying wasn’t something that Anaxa liked to do, especially not in front of other people.
Thus, throwing away the now burnt-out cigarette end, he stepped into the rain, without even looking at the other, and letting the tears pour down and blend with the raindrops cascading onto his whole body.
“I don’t like the idea of leaving you all alone in the middle of the night, but I’m sure that right now, you dislike my proximity much more than that”. Anaxa turned to look at Sunday, his previous faint smile now twisted by bitterness. “At the very least, text me when you finally decide to go home.”
What Sunday felt the moment he heard the other’s words could be vaguely described as the feeling of all his insides tugging at each other and twisting painfully, creating knots, with all twenty-four of his ribs folding onto themselves to stab him right through his heart. “That’s not true. I wouldn’t ever-”
“You’re right, you would never think that”, Anaxa said, interrupting Sunday’s denial of his previous words. “But I can see it on your face that you feel that way.”
Sunday couldn’t help but pinch the bridge of his nose, unsure of what else to do to avoid losing his composure. He hated to admit it, but he had no idea how to read Anaxa in that moment, even though it used to be something that he did so easily; it was almost scary. First, when Sunday was trying to explain to Anaxa that their relationship wasn’t ideal, he could clearly see how the other was on the verge of tears, desperately trying to hold them in by biting his own lower lip, a sight that made Sunday also struggle to keep up his poise. Then, after they ran away from the storm under that tree, Anaxa had simply started smoking with all the calmness in the cosmos as if nothing had happened, just silently staring into the distance. And now, he was spitting out such hurtful and accusing words. It was unlike anything Sunday had ever seen coming from Anaxa.
“That is not true, and you know it”, Sunday managed to say, his voice involuntarily cracking for a brief moment.
Anaxa’s eyebrows furrowed, his bitter smile disappearing completely. “How can I know it? How do you expect me to know anything about how you feel, after you decided to break up with me out of nowhere?”
“You didn’t let me explain-”
“No, I did let you explain, and your excuse was so lame that it started to rain just to save you the embarrassment of continuing with your nonsense”, Anaxa snapped back, his tone sounding a bit harsher than intended. “Saying that ‘we’re just not good for each other’ is not an explanation, Sunday.”
Sunday couldn’t help but feel like he was the most worthless and cruel person in the entire world, and he looked at Anaxa with a pain-stricken expression. He sighed.
“Then please, let me try to explain again. I don’t want you to think that I don’t like being close to you, or that I broke up with you because I don’t care about you…”, He started saying, his voice cracking briefly once again. “Come back here, and let’s talk… Please.”
A few moments of silence lingered, as Anaxa simply looked at Sunday.
“I like it better here.”
Sunday looked back at Anaxa, feeling a pang of helplessness, as he initially interpreted those words as the other refusing to give him another chance to explain himself. But as their gazes met, seeing the redness around Anaxa’s eye, looking right back at him demandingly, and seeing how the other was standing all stiffened and not showing any signs of wanting to walk away, Sunday was suddenly hit with the realization of why Anaxa had insisted on stepping back into the rain.
It was the only way that made Anaxa allow himself to let go of his restraint over his own emotions, and maybe, just maybe, it was the most sound way to restart their conversation: by allowing themselves to let go and finally attempt to open up their hearts to each other without any filters.
Sunday inhaled deeply, took a few steps forward, and let the rain pour down onto him again, making Anaxa’s eye widen ever so slightly in surprise. He hadn’t expected the other to actually step into the rain after expressing his loathing towards that idea.
Anaxa looked up at Sunday, feeling his heart clench painfully in his chest. He remembered how, many months prior, the two of them had stood in the rain in front of each other, pouring their hearts out and confessing the love they felt for each other. They had danced under the rain, doing an improvised waltz, listening only to their own heartbeats and breaths, accompanied by the sound of raindrops hitting the ground.
That was how they had exchanged their first kiss.
And now, it was how they were ending things.
A full circle moment.
Anaxa sighed, gently taking Sunday’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers in the same way they had done all those months ago. “This feels… oddly poetic, doesn’t it?”, he started saying. “But it almost feels like fate is mocking us right now…”
A shaky exhale escaped Sunday’s lips, and he shyly placed a hand onto the other’s upper back, right under the armpit in the starting position of a classic waltz. He knew exactly what the other was talking about, and his chest was hurting as he recalled what was one of the most special memories of his life.
“Allow me to try again now…”, he murmured, waiting for Anaxa to place a hand onto his shoulder before starting to move, taking a few shy and careful steps, and initiating a waltz. “I’ll- I’ll try to be a bit more honest this time…”
Anaxa followed the other’s steps, his own movements a lot less shy. His ones were more determined, bordering on angered, and most of all demanding, quickly becoming the one to lead their dance, to push the other to speak.
“I don’t want you to be just ‘a bit more honest’. I want the full truth”, Anaxa retorted, his voice just as insistent as his movements. “I want to know why you decided to end things. We never fight, we take care of each other, and we were acting like idiots in love up until this evening. So why?”
The struggle that the Halovian had to find the right words to start was visible, as he let himself be led by the other, his steps still careful and uncertain, almost as if he was scared to even try to keep up with his movements. “I think… I’m not a good fit for… someone as fervent as you…”, He attempted to say.
Anaxa’s next question was very blunt, just as insistent as before. “Why?”
Sunday hesitated. “I can’t keep up with you…”
“You’re doing it right now.”
“But I’m struggling to do it…”
And at that, Anaxa’s movements softened a bit, getting a bit gentler, and allowing Sunday to follow with a bit more ease, although they still didn’t let go of Anaxa’s ardent nature. “There. Is this better?”
A small sigh escaped Sunday’s lips. “I-It is, but that’s not the point…”, he murmured. “I’m talking about… everything. All of you.” He then bit his own tongue at the sight of pure torment that struck Anaxa’s features, realizing too late that he had mispoken. That was why he always forced himself to stay controlled and think his words thoroughly, at the expense of sincerity.
“I-I don’t mean to say that there’s something wrong with you… I love you… I love all of you…”, He started saying, hoping that his correction of his own words would get through, a slight pink tinting his cheeks. “It’s just that… I think you need someone who can make you understand that better…”
Anaxa’s features twisted into a frown at those words. “But I do know that you love me.”
The corners of Sunday’s lips curled up very faintly. “I-I’m glad that you know, but… I mean that you need to truly understand it…”, he murmured, and the look of confusion on the other’s face prompted him to keep explaining what he truly meant, so he forced himself to continue, despite not being accustomed to being so straightforward about his feelings.
“You- You always put your life on the line for your experiments, as if… as if it meant nothing to you…” His voice involuntarily trembled at the end of that sentence, but Sunday knew that he had to push through, despite loathing having to say those words out loud. “It’s like you don’t even realize how devastating it would be for me if you ever got seriously hurt… Not just for me, but for Robin too, Phainon, Castorice, Hyacinthia… Anyone close to you would be shattered…”
As he listened to those words, Anaxa found himself looking downwards. The other’s voice suddenly sounded distant, for whatever reason. He could now barely feel the raindrops still hitting his face with violence, and he couldn’t even tell if he was crying anymore, as he let himself be guided by Sunday this time. But the gentle squeeze of his hand grounded him in reality. “That still doesn’t explain why you want to end things…”, he whispered.
Sunday took a shaky breath, and he realized that his own cheeks were also getting wet with not just rain. “What I meant to say… is that if I’m not capable of making you feel loved enough to not risk your life every single day, then I might not be worthy of being your partner…”
Shaking his head, Anaxa let out a frustrated sigh. “I understood as much. I already know how your savior complex works and how it makes you feel the need to be overprotective over every single person you care about”, he responded, his voice tinted with a hint of involuntary harshness. “What I still need to understand is how you think that taking away someone I love with my whole heart would somehow benefit me.”
Their feet stumbled for a moment in the middle of their improvised waltz, starting from Sunday, and followed by Anaxa as a result. However, they kept going, neither of them wanting to stop that motion that, for some reason, was the only way for them to be completely honest with each other.
“I don’t need anyone else, Sunday. I want you, and you alone.”
It felt like a knife had stabbed Sunday right through his heart. And in that moment, his resolve shattered. How could he think even for a second that leaving the love of his life, making him feel so hurt, so lonely, would be a good idea? And how could he ever trust anybody else to treat Anaxa the way he should be? Without even realizing it, he had let his own self-loathing take over reason, making him believe that he wasn’t fit to be a loving and caring enough partner.
That look of realization didn’t escape Anaxa’s gaze, prompting him to keep going. “That was a very lame and unoriginal excuse to hide that self-destructive tendency of yours… Don’t act like I’m the only one being not-so-good at dealing with my own feelings…”
The wide smile that tugged at Sunday’s lips was enough to brighten Anaxa’s face as well, both of their chests suddenly feeling much lighter. “Y-You’re right… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have let my worries dictate me again…”
As if on cue, having chosen to let go of the self-inflicted restraint that kept creeping up in Sunday’s heart and mind, he couldn’t help but press their lips together in a needy, desperate kiss, his hands moving up to grasp Anaxa’s jaw. He wanted the other to not just understand how regretful he felt of even just thinking of breaking up. He needed to make him feel it, to taste it off his lips.
And that was more than enough to make Anaxa understand and feel everything that Sunday wanted to say, but didn’t seem to be able to express out loud. But he didn’t need to do it; he didn’t need to force himself even further, not when Anaxa held onto him with seemingly even more desperation than he did. It was as if time had stopped the moment they stopped dancing, the sound of the downpour fading completely in their minds, as if during those few moments, they were the only ones to exist in the whole universe.
But eventually, they had to pull away from each other to catch their breath, looking into each other’s eyes with the knowledge that they had finally been able to lay their souls bare to one another.
“We should do this ‘dancing-in-the-rain-thing’ more often”, Anaxa murmured, a faint smile tugging at his lips.
“I think we should learn to open up without needing rain or dancing instead…”
Anaxa scoffed. “How boring…”