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li zihao was completely and utterly exhausted by the time practice was over. of course, this wasn't the first time he'd done so much dance practice – he had nearly 8 years of experience under his belt, after all – but it was different this time.
the 13 cameramen constantly watching your every move and crowding the practice room, the numerous communication issues, the overall rush of it all. these shows were quite deceptive with that aspect, because zihao never expected he'd have to fit what felt like in a month's worth of practice into a mere few days.
that aside, and in simple words, zihao was tired. of course, he couldn't do much about that, either, as it was nearing 3am already, but he at least wanted to get some rest. so after a much needed shower and a candy bar smuggled from the all-star dorms, he got into his bed, staring up at the ceiling.
even with the room to himself, it wasn't quiet in the slightest. one thing zihao had learned recently was that the walls in planet camp are very thin. (among many other things that he'd learned about the contestants, because of the thin walls aspect.) each conversation, opening snack wrapper, and drop of running water was ever so clear, even at such a late hour.
he tried closing his eyes and drowning out the sounds around him, but it was to no avail. it just got louder, even, especially the neverending footsteps in the hallway.
after that, though, came the sound of the dorm room's door opening. to this, zihao's eyes opened, as if on instinct, and he felt a surge of hope rush to his heart. is it him?
zihao couldn't hold back, turning over in bed to look over at the doorway, and a smile tugged at his lips. softly, he called out, "xue suren!"
suren met his gaze right away, and zihao could notice how his eyes lit up, his shoulders un-slumping, even if it was only a slight bit. "hao!"
zihao climbed down the ladder of his bed, as suren stepped forward to wait for him. once zihao turned to face him, they shared a smile; for some strange reason, their eye contact felt as if it lasted for a beat too long, before zihao pulled suren into a hug.
suren's arm wrapped firmly around zihao, the touch of his hand warm through the soft fabric of zihao's tshirt. zihao found himself resting his head in the crook of suren's neck, breathing in the lingering scent of his cologne just to savor his presence a little longer. neither of them seemed to want to let the other go, staying enfolded in each other's embrace as they took small, awkward steps back and forth.
when suren eventually parted from him, zihao could see how his hair was still a mess, and even with the newfound light in his eyes, the dark circles under them told a different story on how practice had gone that day. sure, zihao was tired, but suren must be even more. it was times like these when zihao regretted recommending him as leader; he was really good at it, so it was the right choice, but seeing him like this, so stressed and worn out, made something in zihao's heart clench.
"where's the others?" zihao asked quietly, looking suren in the eyes again. (even in this state, suren looked so good. such soft, pretty features. hell, zihao almost missed suren's reply, he was that... mesmerizing?)
"junho is visiting his friend's room..." he trailed off, looking up for a moment as if it'd help him catch his train of thought. so cute. "and i think heuichan went off to break into all-star again."
"nice!" zihao smiled, "we'll be eating good, then."
suren gave a small giggle, the sound like a melody to zihao's ears. "mhm..." suren's hand rose to his mouth as he yawned, "i'm so tired."
"i can tell," zihao said, "are you going to try and get some sleep?"
suren shrugged, his eyes wandering as he answered, "i don't know, it's no use... we have to start practice again in, like, 3 hours." his lips stuck out in a pout, and, again, zihao was almost distracted from what the boy was saying. "and i still have to wash off my makeup and shower."
"you can do that in the morning, bao," zihao reassured, reaching to hold onto suren's hand, "you've got to sleep, it's important."
zihao knew that his words were hypocritical, as he'd just been telling himself that sleep was useless a while ago. but suren didn't have to know that part. and anyways, this was suren, and zihao wanted the best for him.
"i guess so," suren agreed, the smile returning to his face. "i'll try." with that, he reciprocated the grip on zihao's hand, while zihao's other hand came to rest on suren's shoulder. "i don't wanna intrude on your sleep, either," suren said, "you can get back in bed."
zihao felt a frown flicker onto his face, but he got rid of it just as quickly. well, suren was technically right. he probably should. "okay," zihao nodded, but as he stepped back, he could feel the touch of suren's fingers lingering on his arm. oh. did he notice?
zihao turned his head around, just to see that suren's lips were pulled forward into that same pout from before. suren had averted his eyes at some point, and zihao couldn't help but wonder what the boy was thinking. suren's bed was on the other side of the room, but he wasn't heading toward it. zihao began to precariously climb the ladder to his bed, and once he'd gotten up, he noticed suren had began to follow behind him.
zihao couldn't stop the smile that came to his lips immediately. sure, in the back of his mind, he thought the possible safety concern of this, but that wasn't important in the slightest. what was important was pretty boy in his bed.
(yes, this had happened before. yes, it still gave zihao an awful case of butterflies.)
there wasn't much space, so once the two of them had settled, their legs were tangled together, heads bent slightly as to not hit the ceiling. zihao put an arm around suren's shoulders again, without thinking about it much; and suren followed, pulling zihao close to him by the waist.
a few moments had passed by, but now, each one felt silent to zihao. it's like suren's presence overpowered everything else, turning the usual dorm ruckus to plain background noise.
"it's way too hot to be doing this, isn't it?" suren commented. zihao had to agree – it was mid-june, and even in shorts and a worn out tshirt, the heat that encapsuled them in the cramped room was clear as day.
"yeah, it is." zihao replied.
neither of them moved.
at some point, suren began absentmindedly running his fingers through zihao's freshly washed hair, and more silence passed over them. but it wasn't awkward. it was nice.
that's what zihao liked about suren; they got along well when they talked, and just as well when they didn't. suren was so warm and friendly, sweet as honey, but when it was just the two of them, he mellowed down, his presence becoming something more tranquil. zihao, too, had his moments of calm, and it's like they matched up perfectly, personality-wise and interests-wise.
(on a night like this, weeks before, suren had said to zihao, "we're more similar than i thought." it stuck with zihao; what did suren think he was like before that? he'd never know, and he didn't like that.)
in that moment, zihao looked up to see that suren had been looking at him already, his gaze soft and a smile ghosting over his lips. "what're you looking at?" zihao asked.
"you."
zihao scoffed, while suren began to giggle again. "i can see that."
suren shook his head softly, continuing, "yeah, i was looking at you. but i was just thinking."
zihao waited a moment before asking; but to him, it was like suren wanted him to ask, anyway. "about what?"
"about... this. i like this," suren said. "i'm sweltering, but i'm comfortable."
zihao laughed, giving suren a squeeze as he responded, "me too."
"i can't wait for our break... once all this is done, it'll be way less stress... and we can hug more often."
"that's what i was thinking," zihao said softly. would it be odd for zihao to say that was one of his biggest motivations to practice? that once the first stage was over with, he could cuddle with xue suren as much as he wants to?
suren was still looking at him, and as zihao turned his head to face him all the way, he found himself examining suren's features again. zihao liked the way suren's eyes crinkled up when he smiled, liked the shine of his lips and the angle of his nose.
he liked suren.
and like magic, as soon as zihao had registered that thought, suren had turned his head, the two of them so close that he didn't even have to move any further. he left a kiss on zihao's cheek, and for a moment, zihao felt like the luckiest boy in the world.
he smiled to himself, feeling heat rush to his cheeks as suren laughed beside him. "what was that for?" zihao teased.
"just because."
zihao rolled over to lay completely sideways, and without even needing to ask him, suren followed. they made eye contact for a little longer, and zihao's hand came to rest on suren's cheek as if it were just second nature.
"you're cute," suren mumbled. "you know that?"
zihao answered honestly, with a matter-of-fact, "no?"
"oh, stop it," suren said, "i don't know why you don't see it."
"i can't compete with you, baobao," zihao insisted, a teasing glint in his eye.
"shut up," suren sighed with a smile, leaning forward the smallest, slightest bit that he could. he paused, and his gaze seemed to falter downwards momentarily before he whispered, "can i...?"
zihao didn't answer with words. he closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to suren's and feeling the newfound warmth that filled his heart. he'd been warm already, of course, considering the weather, but this was different. this was the kind of warmth that stirred the butterflies awake, sent them rampaging through his body and set his mind on fire.
suren returned the gesture, kissing zihao so, so carefully, sweetly, as he always did. it was so nice; such a nice break from all the chaos that'd happened all day.
zihao pulled back to look at suren again, but before he could, suren took a light hold on the back of his neck, pulling him back in for more. suren's lips were so soft, it felt just like any fairytale kiss that zihao had read about, and it still all felt so... new.
(zihao had kissed some people before, sure, albeit very few. still, it'd be embarrassing to admit to suren that, at his big age of 20 years old, it felt like he'd had his first real kiss in the corner of the empty all-star practice room. suren didn't need to know that; how much it'd impacted zihao and his ability to think straight.)
the two grew impossibly closer, and it felt to zihao like xue suren was taking over all of his senses. the room seemed like it was growing way, way hotter. and it may have been the proximity; or suren. who knows? he'd begun to bring his hand upwards, tangling in zihao's hair once again, and the sensation just made the whole experience all the more intoxicating.
with one last kiss, suren pulled back, still looking at zihao with a woozy smile. zihao smiled back, holding onto suren as they settled into bed.
this time, it was suren who lay almost right on zihao's chest, eyes closed contentedly, and zihao couldn't hide the way it made his heartrate pick up even more than it had with the kissing. zihao held suren's hand, smiling at the way suren squeezed back.
at the same time, though, zihao found his thoughts growing complicated. even with how much he liked this, it was as if the warmth he felt during it came with a cold, bitter aftertaste.
because these kisses weren't real. what they had wasn't real; if they even had anything to begin with.
it was complicated, truly. zihao knew in his heart that he liked suren, wanted to be more with suren. and he couldn't be for sure if suren felt the same way, couldn't crawl into his mind to decipher his each and every move, he had a hunch. they called each other baobao, they'd spent almost all their time with each other, they kissed on occasion… yeah, there was definitely something going on there. the others, too, seemed to notice that something. heuichan had even asked him one day, flat out, 'are you and suren a couple?'
and zihao had to tell him no. because they weren't. they hadn't talked about it; had avoided talking about it.
zihao subconciously held suren tighter, sighing as he went through this same line of thought for the thousandth time.
even if they both liked each other, now wasn't the time. not when there was the competition, the uncertainty; frankly, they just didn't have the time. nobody did. and zihao wanted so badly to be okay with that, to be content with their cuddling and kisses having no strings attached. but it always hurt like this, because he wanted more, and he knew he couldn't – shouldn't have it.
because what would happen if he asked, and suren had to say no? beyond this pseudo-romance, beyond his crush on him, zihao came to love suren as a friend, as someone he could confide in. what if dating changed that? besides, suren seemed stressed enough; the last thing he needed to worry about was a new boyfriend. and suren deserved someone better.
zihao shook away that last thought; he was overthinking it. he wished he could shake away those other thoughts, too, but it happened every time.
li zihao was infatuated with xue suren, but he was scared that it'd end up hurting him. what was he to do?
maybe, once this was all over, they could debut together, and zihao could finally confide in suren about this iciness in his heart, too. they could be something real once all this overlying stress is gone.
that thought reassured zihao a bit, at least. this was yet another one of his motivations for this show. if he does well enough, he can debut with xue suren. and date xue suren, too. maybe. if he wants to. zihao didn't want to linger on it for much longer; he was tired.
and then, he felt suren shift in his position, pushing the blankets back a little further to stay cool. he draped an arm over zihao's chest and opened his eyes. they looked at each other for a moment, and the way suren's expression faltered made zihao worried that he'd noticed something was wrong.
"baobao?"
zihao felt the butterflies come back to life. he was usually the one calling suren that; it felt nice to hear it from him. "yes?"
"you okay?"
zihao nodded. "yeah. don't worry." it was only half a lie, really; he was feeling better now.
"okay," suren smiled softly, and whispered, "goodnight." his eyes closed again, and in that moment, he looked so at peace, so sweet.
zihao instinctively leaned over to press a kiss to suren's forehead, a million thoughts clouding his mind. you're so adorable. i like you so much. do you know that? i'm so lucky to see you like this. i don't deserve this. don't deserve you. god, i like you so damn much.
but eventually, the warmth of suren pressed against him and the quieting of the rooms around them left zihao feeling calmer, more content. he'd sort all this out in the morning; on some morning, at least. for now, he needed sleep.
"goodnight," zihao whispered back, giving suren one last squeeze before he closed his eyes. in all his drowsiness, he didn't fully process it when he mumbled, "love you."
there was no way to know for sure, but he could almost feel how suren had began to smile. suren's voice was soft as he murmured in response, "love you, too." and zihao felt like, for that moment, all the worries that had been bothering him weren't that big of a deal, after all.
zihao slept very well for those 3 hours.