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‘Laying here, wrapped in white just trying not to fight again.’
Joshua laid in his bed quietly, looking down at the shorter man in his arms, curled against his chest as he slept peacefully. His long, dark eyelashes rested against his cheeks, making him look delicately beautiful. The night before, they’d had an argument. Joshua had done everything he could to attempt to get the other to forgive him, eventually ending up falling asleep together after the other had refused to speak to him for the rest of the night. At some point, they’d ended up in each other’s arms–which Joshua was beyond grateful for. Softly, he brushed the sleeping man’s brown hair out of his face, feeling a wave of adoration wash over him as the other man gently stirred, nose twitching slightly. “My Hannie..” Joshua mumbled softly, unable to shake the feeling of pure, unfiltered endearment, no matter how much they’d failed to get along. It didn’t matter what happened, Jeonghan would always be the love of his life. He was so devastatingly smitten that he feared nothing could ever make him leave. As he looked over the elder man’s features, a small smile made its way to his lips as he noticed the way he was slowly beginning to wake up, watching his eyebrows furrow for a moment, along with how he yawned slightly.
‘Cause I’ve been holding on too long just to let it end.’
Despite every harsh word they’d shouted at each other the previous night, Joshua was still delighted to see him. All that was left to do was to wait to see if his lover felt the same once he’d fully awoken. “Love,” Joshua called out gently, feeling his heart swell when Jeonghan picked his head up from its original spot on his chest to look at him, mirroring the smile on the taller man’s face before he responded to the call. Even though they’d been together for nearly 5 years, Joshua felt like a teenager with a crush whenever he saw him. “Hi, Shua.” Jeonghan’s voice was quiet as he spoke, though Joshua didn’t mind, assuming that his throat hurt due to the coldness of the room. He was just elated that the man was even speaking to him after everything he’d said the night before, though Joshua didn’t hold it against him— he never did, nor did he ever plan to. He’d do whatever he had to in order to convince Jeonghan that he wasn’t upset with him, as he knew it usually spiraled into something even larger.
Every time they argued, he let him be without forcing an apology out. He was used to it, knowing it helped keep Jeonghan happy, therefore it put him at ease to let the man come to him after he wasn’t upset any longer instead of angering him further by pressing for his attention. “How’d you sleep?” Joshua questioned genuinely, smile faltering a bit when Jeonghan shrugged, turning to the table next to him in order to grab his phone. “Slept fine, I guess. Would’ve been a bit better if I didn’t fall asleep angry.” He finally answered, not looking away from his phone as he spoke. ‘Oh, he was still like this.’ Joshua thought to himself, having to act like the man’s actions didn’t make his heart feel like it’d just been stepped on. “I’m sorry,” He started, catching how Jeonghan looked at him at the sound of the first two words. Okay, this was good, at least he actually had his attention now.
‘Oh, I must be walking on eggshells, trying not to sell myself out.’
“It was stupid of me to have tried to control how you joked with me, I knew you weren’t serious, so I shouldn’t have made it a big deal. But I did anyway, and I’m sorry I upset you, love.” Joshua knew. He knew how toxic this was, yet he didn’t want to leave. He couldn’t. No matter how terrible Jeonghan made him feel at times, there were still times where he made him feel like he was on top of the world—as if his life couldn’t possibly get any better than it was whenever they were together. Jeonghan sighed quietly once he was done speaking, quiet for a moment as he thought about how he should reply. Joshua’s heart tightened with anxiety as he waited. All he ever wanted was for his lover to be happy, so why did he struggle so hard to achieve this goal, no matter how hard he tried? “It’s okay, just-” Jeonghan paused, squinting at him for a moment as he pondered his next words. “-just don’t get all sensitive like that again.” The other suggested, to which Joshua only weakly smiled, nodding. “I’ll try…” He affirmed quietly, looking down at his hands for a moment. Having apparently taken notice of his body language, Jeonghan raised an eyebrow at the sulking man, wondering why he could possibly be looking so upset. “What’s the matter?” He inquired, looking the man up and down suspiciously, taking slight offense to how unwilling he seemed to follow simple instructions. At least, he thought they were simple instructions.
Joshua looked up at him rather quickly, smiling as he shook his head. “Nothing, don’t worry. I was just thinking about what we should have for breakfast, are you hungry?” He asked as cheerfully as he could manage, shoving down any and all feelings of sorrow he felt. ‘For Jeonghan.’ He thought, trying to convince himself that it was okay to be doing this to himself, as long as the man was happy, that mattered to him more than his own happiness. Honestly, it was sickening. At times, he couldn’t believe the things he put himself through just to see Jeonghan smile. Though, other times he decided it was plain ridiculous for second guessing himself. He knew what was best for himself, after all, which meant he knew that all the feelings he had of his actions being detrimental to his own mental health were uncalled for, obviously. Of course, he was just being ridiculous.
Jeonghan skeptically stared at him for a moment, sighing at his response. “You’re always so dramatic, you know. Don’t worry about what we should have, I’m going out in like 15 minutes.” He said, making Joshua’s heart ache, smile visibly faltering. “So early? Where are you going?” He questioned, trying to avoid sounding possessive, which was something Jeonghan had told him he did too much. Despite his soft tone of voice, Jeonghan still rolled his eyes. “Do you have to know everything? Why are you so controlling?” He groaned with a scowl, moving to walk over to their closet. At that moment, Joshua felt like he could cry. Was he really controlling? Did that make him unlovable?
‘I bet that’s what he’s thinking, that’s when he said, that’s when he said;’
“Do you really even love me, Jeonghan?” Struggling to fight back his tears, Joshua looked him in his eyes, desperate for an answer. “Shua, of course I do, what are you tal-” Joshua was quick to cut him off, shaking his head quickly. “Tell me, honestly. Do you love me? Do you want me? Seriously, do you? Or are you just comfortable here using me? Tell me, Jeonghan.” He begged, unshed tears blurring his vision. He felt his tears finally begin to streak down his face as Jeonghan refused to answer for a moment, shaking his head disapprovingly.
“Look, I don’t know what’s been wrong with you lately, but you’ve been so damn sensitive, Joshua. Pull your god damn emotions together and get over whatever thoughts you’re having. I’m not cheating on you.” That was when Joshua lost his patience, shaking his head aggressively as he felt all sense of self regulation slip away. “I didn’t even accuse you of that, Jeonghan. Do you know how fucking suspicious it is that you say that when I wasn’t suggesting it? Do you realize how fucking pathetic I feel right now?” He raised his voice, laughing through his tears in disbelief.
“You feel pathetic? What the hell are you talking about, have you lost your mind?” Jeonghan laughed at him, only increasing his anger by tenfold. “Just go, Jeonghan. Get dressed and leave. I don’t want to argue with you right now.” Joshua seethed, storming out of the room, and Jeonghan rolled his eyes. “I don’t even know why I try with his dramatic ass.” Jeonghan muttered under his breath as he turned back to the closet to resume getting dressed.
Joshua reflected on his past responses as he sat in their guest bedroom, behind the locked door, quietly sobbing to himself. Did he do too much? Was he being dramatic beyond excuse? In his right hand, he held a crumpled up tissue, having barely used it to wipe his tears before he’d gotten frustrated and crushed it in his fist. It wasn't fair, none of this was fair. Those who love you don’t hurt you, he knew this. Yet, nothing he could think of was enough to make him get up and leave.
He loved Jeonghan, more than words could fathom. It was painful, how much he loved him, even more so hearing the man’s harsh words towards him. Wiping his tears with the ruined tissue, Joshua sniffled. “It’s not fair.” He mumbled, dropping the tissue on the bed next to himself as he brought his hands up to bury his head in them, moving to lay on his side. None of his friends had partners like this. He needed to calm down before he did anything Jeonghan would describe as irrational. He was good at calming down, good at apologizing.
‘Trying my best to show appreciation, but all apologies are just a miscommunication.’
After he’d calmed down, Joshua sent Jeonghan a heartfelt apology over text since he hadn't returned his calls throughout the day. It was okay. He knew Jeonghan, he was probably just busy. He’d been staring at their chatlog for at least 5 minutes after sending the message, his heart blooming with hope upon seeing the ‘Sent’ indicator turn into one that said ‘Read’.
A hopeful smile made its way onto Joshua’s face as he watched and waited, he began to lose that spark as Jeonghan started and stopped typing multiple times before his response came in.
“Are you seriously apologizing right now when I’m out with people, do you want them to see? It’s like you're begging me for attention. We’ll talk when I get home, Joshua. Leave me alone.”
Reading this, Joshua’s smile fell, and the slightest bit of hope he’d gathered vanished. “Oh.” He mumbled softly, feeling tears well in his eyes, heart shattering. “It’s okay.” He whispered, trying to blink away the tears as he typed out a response.
“Sorry, baby. That was an attention seeker move, you’re right. Have fun with your friends. I love you.” Joshua quickly responded, breathing heavily as he typed out the letters.
Jeonghan’s response came quickly; “Shut up. Don’t guilt trip me.”
Swallowing a sob, Joshua nodded even though Jeonghan couldn't see him. His response was a simple “Okay.” before he’d shut his phone off. He didn't want to bother Jeonghan anymore than he already had.
'Now it’s like I’m walking on eggshells, trying not to burn the hell out.’
Joshua took a shaky breath, and tried to wipe the tears falling from his eyes. He was okay. It was okay, as was everything. Jeonghan was just busy. He overstepped, anyways. What was he thinking texting him like that while he was out? Despite believing he was okay, he couldn't stop the tears from coming. “What the fuck?” Joshua muttered, shaking his head. He was better than this. Jeonghan would be upset if he caught him crying over this. Honestly, what wouldn't Jeonghan be upset over at this point? Joshua groaned. He was tired of dealing with this.
He couldn't leave, though, and he wouldn't leave. He’d get away from how Jeonghan treated him, sure, but he didn't want to get away from him. It didn't matter how often Jeonghan made him feel this way, he loved him. He just had to be careful to not upset him. He thought he could do that, but nowadays, everything was a trigger. Joshua was running out of motivation to try to keep Jeonghan happy. He couldn't even keep himself happy, what was the point?
“Stop it.” Joshua whispered to himself. How could he be so selfish? He promised himself that he’d always put Jeonghan above himself. What was happening? His tears flowed freely, as he'd given up attempting to stop them. He just needed a moment, then he’d be okay. Slowly, that ‘moment’ turned into half an hour, then a full hour. Before he knew it, Jeonghan was home. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Joshua swore, panicking as he rushed to grab tissues, wiping his eyes. In the back of his mind, he heard a voice. His own voice, reciting something he heard online; “You shouldn't be scared of your partner.” He didn’t think he was actually scared of Jeonghan, he just didn't want him to see him crying, that’d make him upset.
Right as Joshua managed to toss the tissue in the trash, Jeonghan knocked on the door. “Baby? Are you still here?” He asked, trying to open the door. Joshua scoffed internally at the soft sound of his voice. He was so tired of how he thought it was okay to act as if nothing happened. But, he couldn't help it when he opened the door. He wanted to see him so badly, but for some reason he couldn't figure out why. Why on Earth did he still smile when he saw his face? Joshua was still so upset with him.
'It’s like pulling magic from my mouth’
As if he hadn't felt any ounce of pain from how Jeonghan had treated him, Joshua greeted him cheerfully. “Hi, my love. Did you have fun?” He questioned, praying Jeonghan wouldn't notice his puffy eyes. Jeonghan narrowed his eyes, and Joshua panicked. ‘Please don't say anything.’ He thought, struggling to keep the smile on his face. After a second, Jeonghan stopped. “Yeah, I did.” He replied softly, and Joshua let out a quiet breath of relief. “I’m glad, and I-” Before Joshua could finish talking, Jeonghan kissed him. It was quick, but it still made Joshua’s smile widen. “I missed you.” Jeonghan said softly, reaching to run his hand through Joshua’s hair.
This. Moments like this were exactly why Joshua would never leave. He knew Jeonghan still loved him. “I missed you, too.” Joshua replied softly, searching in Jeonghan’s eyes for his sincerity. He watched Jeonghan’s eyes change, feeling despair fill him when Jeonghan backed up. “What's wrong?” He questioned quietly, shaking his head. “Did I do something?” He stuttered, desperate to know what was wrong.
'Could I ever do enough to make this coffee more than bitter water?’
“I’m sorry, I- Please, don't leave again.” Joshua frowned, shaking his head. Jeonghan didn't respond. Suddenly, his face went blank. “I need to go back out. I forgot to do something.” Jeonghan muttered through his teeth. “I don't understand, Hannie. I thought you missed me..” Joshua tried, feeling like he could cry. Helplessly, he grabbed Jeonghan’s arm. “Joshua, stop it.” Jeonghan muttered, trying to get out of Joshua’s hold. “Tell me, Jeonghan. What can I do to make you not wear my love like a collar? How can I make you happy?” Joshua begged, tears starting to fall. “Stop, let go of me.” Jeonghan tried again, pushing Joshua away from him. “Don't worry about how you can ‘make me happy’. I don't need you to do that.” He spat, and turned away, ready to leave again.
“Jeonghan, wait, please.” Joshua shouted, shaking his head violently. “Please, don't leave me. I’m sorry.” He begged, sobbing. That was enough for Jeonghan to turn around, breathing heavily. “Joshua, stop being so pathetic.” Jeonghan said, seething. “I can't deal with you, anymore. I’m leaving.”
“Please, what did I do?” Joshua asked again, and Jeonghan’s lips pressed into a thin line. “You're too much. I thought I could just deal with it, but hearing you say you missed me just pissed me off. I can't fucking do this anymore, Josh.” Jeonghan explained, repeating himself again, and turned to walk into their room to grab his stuff.
Joshua dropped to the floor. He couldn't speak anymore. He knew this was what was best for him, but he couldn't accept it. He couldn't believe that Jeonghan was leaving him. He couldn't believe that Jeonghan was throwing away five years, just like that.
Jeonghan came back to where he left Joshua after packing his bags. Joshua looked up at him, about to speak, when Jeonghan cut him off. “I’ve been hooking up with Seungcheol. I’m breaking up with you, Joshua.” Jeonghan confessed, and Joshua let him leave. He felt too weak to stand, speak, or move. He felt as if he no longer had a purpose.
“Were you just comfortable?” Joshua whispered, once the front door slammed shut.