Work Text:
Calum rolled over for the hundredth time that night, groaning into the dark room. He squinted his eyes open to glance at the clock on his bedside table. 3:49AM. He had been trying to fall asleep for over 2 hours now with no success, and at this point he just wanted to cry.
He didn’t understand – he was exhausted when he lied down, how could he still be awake? It was his own bed, which was probably one of the comfiest beds he’s been slept in. There wasn’t any noise inside or outside the house bothering him. He had even been good enough to avoid any and all caffeine products the entire night before laying down for bed. Yet he still lie awake, staring at the ceiling that he could only see through the dim moonlight that shinned through the curtains in his room.
It was his third night in the house Calum and Ashton now owned together. It was still crazy to think about – the fact that he and his best friend and bandmate now owned a space to live in LA. It almost seemed surreal at times. He had no trouble at all falling asleep the first few nights – then again, he was also battling jet lag, which is usually only ever overcome with an induced coma sleep. But now the jetlag was gone and passed, and he lay wide away and frustrated in his new bed. And even though he didn’t want to admit it, he knew what the real problem was. It lay deep, deep in his chest, in a secret crevice of his heart that not a soul besides his knew about, not his mom, not Michael or Luke, and not even Ashton.
Calum was homesick.
It seemed a little ridiculous – he’d been traveling the world away from home for four years now, and even spent a full year in London when he was just 16 years old. But he always knew that situation was temporary; it was always about just making the music until they released an album and toured a bit, and then they would be going back to Australia. There was always a sense of “We’ll be going home in a few months!” whenever he experienced homesickness back then. This was a whole other monster. Any time the band would have a break from now on, he would be here, in this city, in this house, in this bed.
When Ashton first asked Calum to move in with him, months ago, Calum was hesitant. It was a big change, to commit to spending all his time in LA instead of going home to where all his family and friends lived. But the way Ashton hyped up the whole ordeal gave Calum a sense of calm, and a feeling that this would be the right thing to do in the long run.
“We’ll probably end up living there anyways, sooner or later.” Ashton said one afternoon, while the two of them were stopped at a picnic table after a run before a concert. “And the sooner the better, I believe. It will make things easier, and it will be nice to have a familiar place to rest our heads during the process of writing songs. It might even make us better writers, who knows? Besides, I really wouldn’t want to live with anyone else but you.”
Calum remembered laughing off the blush that spread in his cheeks and looking away from Ashton instantly. So maybe Calum’s inability to ever say no to Ashton was part of the reason he was laying in this LA bed in the first place. But now the older boy was out at the bar with friends, probably doing a body shot off of Jack Barakat at that exact moment while Calum lie in bed because he felt too uneasy with his heart to go out partying that night.
He was sure the uneasiness in his stomach was also just a part of growing up and moving out. Calum remembered hugging his mother in the airport just a few days prior, watching her pretend to be excited for him, when he really knew neither of them really wanted this to happen. She was just trying to be supportive, Calum knew, but he almost wished she had tried to talk him out of it, so he could be back home in Australia right now instead of awake at nearly 4AM in this bed.
Was Australia even his home anymore? It had to be, he owed it that much. But what about LA? Should he start calling this his home now too? His head was spinning and his heart was clenching, making Calum scrunch his eyes shut and roll over onto his stomach, so any tears that seeped from his eyes would be caught by the pillow. It seemed like a trivial thing to be crying about, but this was his life now – he was living in LA with Ashton, his mom and dad and everything he knows is located on the other side of the world, and right then he was just miserable and alone, and would give anything to be anywhere but there.
Just at that moment, Calum heard a soft knock at his door. He held his breath instinctively, feeling his heart rate increase. He had already begun to silently sob, so it was hard to catch his breath and remain silent while doing so. A second later, the door cracked open.
“Calum?” A familiar voice asked. Calum attempted to breathe in and out slowly. A second later, he could hear Ashton pushing the door open as quietly as he could to enter. Calum could hear the older boy bustling around in the corner of the room, and Calum prayed Ashton would leave the room before the dark haired boy would accidentally make a noise to alert Ashton that he was awake.
Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful. Calum hiccupped into his pillow, unable to hold his sobs in anymore, and he heard Ashton pause on the other side of the room.
“Shit, sorry Cal,” Ashton said, “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just needed to get my phone charger because I left it in here earlier today.”
“It’s okay.” Calum croaked out, trying to sound as normal as possible. “I was already awake.”
“What? It’s almost 4AM.” Calum heard Ashton walk to the side of Calum’s bed, “You said you were going to sleep right after I left.”
“Yeah, well,” Calum began, finally bringing himself to look up into Ashton’s eyes. “I’m having a little trouble falling asleep.”
Calum watched Ashton’s face fall at the sight of Calum’s. The dark haired boy felt a hot tear fall down his cheek, just as Ashton leaned over to put a hand on Calum’s shoulder.
“Whoa, hey,” Ashton began, eyes wide and worried. “What’s wrong, dude? Did you have a bad dream?”
“No…” Calum began, saying it in a way as if he was going to continue. But the more he thought about telling Ashton he was homesick, the more embarrassing it sounded in his head, so he just slammed his face down in the pillow again.
“Are you…just exhausted?” Ashton asked, taking a seat next to Calum on the bed.
“Not exactly.” Calum said into the pillow.
Ashton was then silent for a minute, and then slowly began rubbing Calum’s back soothingly. Calum sighed out, letting the therapeutic feeling take over him. Ashton’s hands were large and secure, much like the rest of the boy, making Calum feel warm and safe. After a few minutes of this, Calum let his head roll to the side, looking up into Ashton’s eyes.
“I’m homesick, ash.”
A wave of relief fell over Ashton’s face – he must’ve assumed the worst, whatever that must be – and he held his hand out to hold Calum’s cheek.
“Aww, Cal…”
“I know it’s really stupid,” Calum began, “But everything’s just changing so fast, and it’s even more stupid because that’s how our lives have been for four years now, just one crazy change to another, and I should be used to it by now and I’m not and –”
“Hey hey hey, Shhhhhh.” Ashton cooed, going back to rubbing Calum’s back in a calming matter. “It’s okay, Calum. Lives like ours aren’t made to be ‘gotten used to’. Especially not when you move from one country to another and still feel homesick after only three days. I would say it wouldn’t be normal if you weren’t. Can you scooch over a bit?”
Calum nodded and wiggled over so Ashton could lay on top of the blankets next to him. Ashton smelled like beer and the bar, but he definitely wasn’t drunk. He wondered what made the older boy come home so early.
“Why do you seem so okay with the change, then?” Calum asked, feeling cheated that Ashton felt so much more content with everything than Calum did.
Ashton shrugged. “I guess I’ve wanted to move here longer than you have, so I’ve had more time to become comfortable with the change than you have. Give it time, though, I’m sure this place will feel like home soon.”
Home. That word again, that gave Calum a sore pain in his heart. He scrunched his eyes shut again, and this time Ashton wrapped his arm around Calum and pulled him in tight. They lay like this for many minutes, the only sound surrounding them being the beat of their hearts.
Even after some time, Calum was still awake, and Ashton was very aware.
“When I was younger,” Ashton began, breaking the silence with a soft and smooth whisper. “My siblings would sometimes wake up with nightmares in the night. Mom was working overtime, and I didn’t want her to lose sleep, so I would help Lauren and Harry get back to sleep by singing to them. Maybe it will work with you?”
Ashton’s singing voice would almost always give Calum butterflies, so if anything he imagined Ashton’s voice waking him up even more. But it was worth a shot.
“It’s worth a try.” Calum whispered, looking up into Ashton’s eyes.
Ashton’s eyes glimmered in the barely lit room, and it gave Calum chills. Ashton moved a little away from Calum to lay perched on his elbow, while Calum rolled over onto his back, eyes closed but face facing Ashton.
“You look so beautiful in this bed.”
Calum felt his heart stop in his chest.
“I love your hair like that.”
As Calum recognized the song, a smirk fell over his face
“The way it curls on the side of your neck, even covered in sweat…”
Calum couldn’t help but snort at Ashton changing the lyrics, and Ashton giggled as well. The choice of song was actually a surprise to Calum – when he played this song in the car the previous day, Ashton almost made him change it.
“‘Tenerife Sea’ is too slow.” The older boy complained. “I don’t wanna fall asleep while driving!”
“But it’s a good song!” Calum argued, “How could you say no to an Ed Sheeran song?!” Feeling defeated, he began to search for a new song on his phone to play.
Ashton sighed. “Fine, we can listen to this song. But if I fall asleep, you have to take the wheel, got it?”
Calum remembered smiling in victory, the memory a bright and positive one in his mind, even if it was just him and Ashton driving to a fast food place for dinner. As much as Ashton seemed to not like that song at the time, it was peculiar that he now decided to sing it for Calum.
“We are surrounded by all of these lies, and people who talk too much. You go the kind of look in your eyes as if no one knows anything but us…”
Ashton continued singing the rest of the song, evidently knowing it by heart. His voice was beautiful and soothing, deep and familiar. It was everything Calum needed to allow his brain to relax and let go of his worries and insecurities that it was previously occupied with. He could feel his muscles un-tense, his mind slipping out of consciousness as Ashton neared the end of the song, and he could tell Ashton knew it too
“Should this be the last thing I see, I want you to know it’s enough for me. ‘Cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need…”
Calum waited for Ashton to say the final for words, but they didn’t come immediately. Ashton lay unmoving and completely silent next to Calum. Calum assumed that Ashton was attempting to make a guess at whether the younger boy was already asleep or not. Then, Calum felt the bed dip directly next to him, and felt Ashton moving his face closer to Calum’s. He held his breath as Ashton whispered the final four words of the song.
“I’m so in love.”
Calum felt a pair of lips on the very corner of his mouth – not on his lips, but directly next to it – and for a moment he thought his heart would beat out of his chest. He did his best to control his breathing so Ashton wouldn’t know he was awake. When the older boy finally moved away from him, Calum could still feel Ashton’s intense stare at him, for many moments. He wondered how long Ashton would stay there, watching him sleep. Calum actually didn’t mind him doing so – it was a comforting feeling, just having Ashton next to him in this foreign bed in this foreign city.
Maybe having Ashton next to him was all that he needed to fall asleep all along.
After a few moments, Calum felt Ashton move slowly and quietly to get out of his bed, in an attempt to not wake Calum up. Before Calum could stop himself, he reached out to grab Ashton’s arm. It startled Ashton, and he looked back at Calum with wide, terrified eyes.
“Stay.” Calum whispered, helplessly. “Please.”
Ashton’s face softened completely, nodding graciously as he moved carefully to take of his pants and jacket before cuddling under the blankets with Calum. There was an unspoken agreement that anything that needed to be said between them would be said in the morning. Calum moved so he was on his side, and Ashton laid in a way so one of his arms lay of Calum’s middle, making the younger boy feel safe and secure in his band mate’s arms.
A conclusion came to Calum’s mind as his brain gave way to sleep. Maybe that’s really why he agreed to move to LA in the first place – as long as Ashton was by Calum’s side, Calum felt safe.
And safe he was.