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Tobirama has never given much thought to having a soulmate before, it was simply something that happened sometimes, but even when it does it doesn’t necessarily mean a happy ending as children’s stories portray it.
Even in his own clan he’s been witness to the way soulmate bonds can go wrong, how some of their clansmen had the misfortune to find their destined ones on missions with people they can never be with. Sometimes the people were from clans they weren't allied with, or even enemies. He saw the way it broke them down, or the way it killed them to have to fight the person they were destined to be with, quite literally.
Personally, he thinks it just another example of adult nonsense that he was fairly certain he won’t ever understand, not even when he gets older. If you can feel each other’s pain, emotional and physical, how can anyone insist on fighting them? How can a person justify killing the soulmate of their friend or family member? How can two people with such an intense connection purposefully inflict more pain on themselves and their soulmate? Why couldn’t there be peace? Why did adults complicate things? How can they put more emphasis on the past than the people they are hurting today?
And then as if fighting your soulmate wasn’t bad enough there are people who meet their soulmates, discover their bond but don’t choose to pursue them. Either because they want a more promising future or their family pushes them into a ‘better’ match. As if there is anyone better for them than their soulmate. His mother is a prime example of that, forced to an arranged marriage, “a privilege, an honor to serve the clan” she always told him when asked. Tobirama isn’t blind to the look in her eyes though, he saw better than she was willing to admit to herself - they are empty, cold, and so, so terribly sad.
He wants to vow to himself to never become like her. If his soulmate doesn’t want him, then it’s okay, but if they do, Tobirama wants to be with them - however they’ll have him. He wants that connection, that bond. He won't be forced to fight or kill his soulmate, he won't be forced to marry someone he doesn’t love.
-.-
As he grows older, Tobirama forgets about his hopes and dreams of falling in love and having a good life with his soulmate. Perhaps he buries them, as a way to protect himself from his father’s ruthless teachings.
He goes to bed every night in physical pain, silently praying for forgiveness from his soulmate, he knows he’s causing them pain every day from his intense training. Sometimes their pain rivaled his own, it was a solace and a burden. He is thankful he isn’t the only one hurting their soulmate, but it also means that his soulmate is likely a shinobi. He has no idea if he will one day fight side by side with his soulmate or if he will be cursed to face them in battle. Will he one day become one of the unfortunate monsters that kill their own soulmate?
Butsuma doesn’t give him time to think about it often, and as his father’s hold on him grows, he finds a way to shut most of it out. It helps that some days he barely even manages to drag himself to bed every night, too tired and bleeding, full of bruises and devoid of any coherent thoughts.
The pain he feels coming from the other side never leaves, but Tobirama doesn’t know a life without it anymore and as his own bleeds into his soulmate’s, his brain forgets they’re two people instead of one, and he forgets his vows to be different from all adults.
-.-
The shock of pain shoots through his chest, his eyes shoot up to look straight into Izuna’s, it’s the first time he’s ever made eye contact with the dark haired man. The pain and shock he sees echoes his own. The pain he feels has the same electrical twinge it always has
“You…” Izuna barely manages to say, coughing up blood.
That’s when he remembers. He wanted to love and cherish his bond. But if he helps Izuna…he’ll be a traitor.
Can he?
There’s no time to think as Izuna’s descent to the ground is slowed down to fractions of seconds, Tobirama’s decision made.
Quickly, using more chakra than it’s advisable in the middle of a battle, he runs to Izuna, pretends to be coming to him to finish the job - in the background, Madara screams for his little brother’s life, he has limited time to make this happen. Every second could spell disaster.
A glowing healing hand touches Izuna - his own pain fading.
“Finally figured it out, eh?” Izuna coughs, blood splattering on Tobirama’s chest.
“What?” Locking eyes with him is strange but Tobirama cannot stop doing it. It feels natural, like he was always meant to be doing it.
“Took you long enough, Tobirama.”
He almost stops healing from the shock. “You- You knew?”
Izuna gives him a half smile, there’s sadness there, “‘course I did. It was obvious.”
“I-”
“For a supposed genius, you’re an idiot,” Tobirama gives him a scowl. “Meet me later in the Naka?”
Tobirama finishes healing him as much as he can here, it’s not finished nor the best he’s ever done, might even be the worst, and there’s still a superficial wound that’s bleeding but Izuna’s life isn’t at risk anymore. Madara is almost upon them so getting away is more important than making sure Izuna is completely healed.
“As if we were secret lovers?” He asks and cannot help but feel the irony of it.
“No one would suspect,” Izuna says, “now, I believe I have a reputation to keep.”
Without any warning, he punches Tobirama on the face and they restart a dirty fight with limbs and fists flying until Madara calls for a retreat and he has to watch his soulmate leave without looking back at him. He didn’t think it could feel like this.
His lip is cut and his eye is swelling from the punch Izuna gave him - he thinks Izuna managed to break or bruise a rib or two too. Tobirama smiles.
-.-
“Were you going to tell me?” Tobirama asks in a stern voice. Trying to hide the fact that he’s feeling so lost, so confused. And for the first time in years, hopeful .
He wasn’t expecting the sight that greeted him once he cleared the trees. Izuna looks peaceful like this, resting his back on a tree, the moonlight leaving his pale skin glowing and making his long dark hair seem as though it’s absorbing the light around it. He looks as if he belongs there, away from war, just the two of them together.
“I always assumed I’d have time,” he quietly confesses, not looking at him. “I figured we could just stay equally matched.”
Tobirama lets out a heavy breath. With Tajima and Butsuma getting older, it only ever seemed that both clan heads were becoming more and more bloodthirsty. Hashirama didn’t seem much interested in opposing their father, nor proposing peace and ending this lifelong generational feud. His brother wishes they weren’t at war but he’s never done anything to change things, and Tobirama doubts he will.
“I wish we had it.” Tobirama responds with his voice wavering. “I’m sorry.”
“For what? You’re not clan head nor heir. We don’t have much power to make peace,“ Izuna scoffs, waving away Tobirama’s apology.
“I know but I’m not sorry for that - well, I am but I know I can’t change it. It’s not what I’m not talking about,” he says, “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you, Izuna.”
He means it. For all the long trainings, when he couldn’t even stand. For all the wounds and sore muscles, for all the late nights, the scars and the punishments when he didn’t meet expectations. For every moment of physical and emotional pain he has shared with his soulmate.
“Oh,” Izuna seems surprised he’d ask for forgiveness for such things, “you don’t need to- I’ve caused you the same pain too.”
“I know, but I still regret it. You didn’t deserve it.” This is something Tobirama has thought about for years, he’s always wanted to apologize for the harm he’s caused.
“Then I’m sorry too,” he says quietly. Tobirama can see Izuna is just as earnest in his apology as Tobirama is.
Tobirama slowly moves forward, no longer frozen by the sight of Izuna in the moonlight. Each step feels more and more like he’s making a decision. Each step feels like becoming a new person, with new goals, new hopes, new dreams.
Izuna follows him with his eyes before standing to meet in the middle. They stand centimeters apart, breathing the same air, locking eyes staring deep into each other's soul. This moment feels right, like they have been building up to this for their whole lives.
When their lips meet, it’s unlike every other time they have ever touched, there’s no pain. The opposite in fact. It’s a sensation unlike any other.
Pleasure explodes in his entire body, his lips tingle and he aches to stitch himself together with Izuna. To become one, to mesh their bodies until they don’t know who is who. Their first touch feels like a warm soak in the onsen. He never wants to part with it.
When they inevitably part for air, their faces still in close proximity and sharing timid smiles, Tobirama opens his eyes and…
Oh .
Izuna’s the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. He thinks he falls in love right then. This moment right here was worth everything.
-.-
“You’ll kill him,” Butsuma declares as he catches Tobirama completing the hiraishin - it happens by accident, he’s usually careful with jutsu creation and to keep it out of his father’s hawk eyes. “You have no excuse now.”
His blood turns cold and he freezes. It sounds void as he says, “as you wish, chichue.”
Thoughts worried and tangled, he can only think about one thing clearly: Izuna. He must warn Izuna - but how?
As it happens, there’s no time. The next time they meet it’s on the battlefield, and it’s already been hours and hours, they’re both tired and hurting even if they’re pretending to fight and not actually wanting to kill each other anymore.
There’s no choice when he counter attacks Izuna’s katon with his suiton, creating smoke. Praying he doesn’t hurt Izuna too badly, he throws the kunai in the middle of the fog, his soulmate none the wiser.
Stepping into the hiraishin is still disorienting but not as nauseating as the first few times he’s tested it. Emerging beside Izuna and cutting through his side catches them both in surprise. Izuna’s face contorts in pain and Tobirama can almost cry in echo.
-.-
The night comes and the pain is unbearable. Tobirama worries - have the Uchiha no healers? Why is Izuna still in agony?
Is he-? Did Tobirama actually cause irreparable damage?
This is it, he decides, already packing his things.
Staying here a minute longer won’t help his soulmate - won’t do any favours to him either. If Izuna dies because of him, he’ll never forgive himself, he’ll become like his mother, sad and void of life.
A promise was made and he intends to keep it.
Running away through the night never feels so risky and freeing. Heart in his throat, Tobirama quietly avoids the patrols on the Senju territory, not even looking back to say goodbye to his old life.
Avoiding the Uchiha goes much the same, until he has to be really stealth to avoid the guards posted in the main house. At this distance, Izuna’s chakra feels faint and deeply hurt. His soulmate is dying.
And it’s all Tobirama’s fault.
It’s almost two in the morning when he senses Madara and Tajima leaving Izuna’s bedroom. Tobirama barely waits for them to close the door behind to enter, past the point of caring of being discovered, his solely focus on Izuna’s worsening condition.
His fault, his fault, his fault, his brain murmurs again and again, accusing and judging. Soulmate killer .
Approaching Izuna’s bedside with hurried steps, Tobirama doesn’t hesitate to start healing what he can.
“Please, please, please-” he cries, he begs, he demands . “Please, let him live.”
He spends himself on healing, pouring all of his soul and energy into it. He refuses to let Izuna die.
“Hey you,” a faint voice greets him much later, it accompanies a tired curl of lips.
“Izuna…”
“Hi,” his soulmate greets again.
“Please,” Tobirama begs, “please, I can’t- Not anymore.”
“Tobirama, wha-”
“Run away with me, please,” he implores brokenly, “I can’t keep doing this, Izuna. I’ll kill you next time and then I won’t be able to live with myself if I do it.”
“Hey, calm down, we can-”
“We can’t .” He whispers, harshly. “Nothing will change, don’t you see it? My father ordered you dead. Do you think your own won’t demand my blood in return?” Then, softly, he takes Izuna’s hands into his own, squeezing them. “Please, I want to cherish you. I want to wake up beside you and be able to love you freely.”
“And if I refuse?” He asks, seriously. There’s something in his eyes that Tobirama can’t name.
“I’ll still leave. I refuse to fight in this war any longer. I’m tired, Izuna. I want to…live.” Tobirama confesses. “In my clan I’m no better than a weapon, my value lies in my kill count. I am a person and I want to be seen as one.”
Izuna gives him a gentle smile. “I want that too.”
No more words are needed as Izuna packs his own things.
It’s almost day when they leave the Uchiha compound behind, the first sunrays shyly appearing on the horizon. Never once they look behind.
-.-
Years later, Tobirama still thinks Izuna looks peaceful resting his weight against a tree. He’s the most beautiful sight Tobirama has ever had the privilege of seeing.
“What?” Izuna asks, confusion on his expression.
“Nothing.”
“You’re staring.”
“I am.”
“You always do this.”
He nods, coming closer and sitting beside Izuna, turned to him. His hand traces the long, black hair of his lover with devotion.
“You’re staring again.”
Tobirama smiles. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather look at.”
“Sappy.”
Instead of replying, Tobirama gets even closer, lips ghosting over Izuna’s. They lock eyes, Izuna’s sharingan spinning to life. Tobirama smiles, “I love you,” he murmurs softly before kissing him.
It is just like the first time as well, his entire body trembles with it, happiness spreading to every cell. It tastes like a kept vow.