Work Text:
R.A.B
He kept his head down
He did up his tie
He kept his hair tidy, not too long
Even when the air was humid and the sun was blaring in his eyes
Regulus never complained
When his mother and father yelled
Regulus stood up straight
He watched. Heard. it. All.
And it rang out on the cave walls
Salty tears streamed down his face as the waves lapped against the rock. He clutched the horcrux in his hand and prayed. To something greater, merlin someone! He screamed but it was no use, the waves were heavy and rough crashing against the rock he held his stance on. His voice died and throat became raw. The red marks of embedded scars from where he cried left lines of regret for Regulus to remember. The nights he longed for someone to be by his side. The way he watched Sirius remove himself from the family line. The way James stared at him with pity when he screamed “get out” and James did. The ties he’d cut and people he missed, the body he was forced in and watched as his brother went through the changes he never could. The envy, the loss, and the cries for help now drowned out by the waves.
A long for destiny that has to be earned. Lying while remaining truthful, dignity and dishonour, fable and truth. What lies beneath him is an ocean of feelings, and the waves have finally swept him off the lifeboat he’d been hanging onto for so long. The cold water slowed his racing pulse into a steady beat, fleeting, second by second. Till his lungs caught fire and his entire ribcage burned up, and when he finally shut his eyes and took an instinctive breath did he feel relief to be breathing no matter how much it hurt, it wouldn’t be for long. He wished he could see the stars, till he lost the ability to feel, and his body sank into the cold touch of the cave water floor.
~.~
Breathe:
Verb- to take air into the lungs and then expel it, especially as a regular physiological process.
breathe (verb)
breathes (third person present)
breathed (past tense)
breathed (past participle)
breathing (present participle)
similar: wheeze, puff, inhale, exhale, oxygen, lungs, air.
“Whoa Padfoot what's up?”
Sirius had no clue that he’d just knocked his hot chocolate over when he shot up, his face suddenly wet with sweat but his teeth began chattering as if he’d been standing out in the snow instead of in the Potter's warm home.
The room was shrinking and his vision went in and out, a light that flickered slowly going out or a candle suddenly blown out.
Breathe in and out
In and out
Breathe
But his lungs burned when he breathed it was like his lungs were too full but too empty, they were hungry for air but they rejected the warm air he swallowed. His head was on fire, everything blurry and burning. “Sirius sit down”
He felt cold hands gently push him down back on the chair, but the icy grip sent chills and he flinched away at the touch, he couldn't sit he needed out, the room was shrinking and he needed to get out of whatever wave took him under, he needed to fight to move to get back to the surface. Everything around him was moving too fast for him to comprehend.
Till a knock froze him. The house rattled and then everything stopped. Frozen still, maybe he finally blacked out, but a familiar voice was calling him from the front door. Euphenmia stood to the side of the open door, then Sirius was in front of Walburga. In and out the light flickered in his brain and one second he was drowning the next he was outside with a distressed Walburga holding him back.
in and out -
He was pulled back inside before he could leave the shrinking room, caving in and folding around him. Euphenmia went still, she too had been frozen, Walburga’s distressed face was still and James was crying. Sirius realised he was the only one moving as though he stopped time, until it restarted. He was outside this time calling out his brother's name. Reg,
Reg,
Reggie,
Regulus,
Regulus,
He repeats the word like a mantra, the only indication that he had started yelling was the cold that filled his throat as he sucked in mouthfuls of snow with each breath in. He was running but the light kept flickering
In and out, in and out, in -
A glance at Walburga’s face and he knew what had happened, the string that tied him to regulus had been cut in a second. She looked afraid till his vision blacked again. He clawed, he screamed , he protested when he felt multiple pairs of hands pull him back in the house, but it was too small for him. The snow coated him but he needed to run to get somewhere to be somewhere not here.
He ran further escaping James who attempted to hold him back, he ran like he was running from a wave. Delaying the inevitable crash of the wave, trying to out run the tide that would drag him back into the big ocean.
A body much larger than his swept him off his feet and carried him back, he thrashed and kicked yelling in their ear but their grip only tightened and their voice hushed his. He was being drowned out and taken back into the sea that devoured him. The house was too small for him to be in, he’d suffocate but the person just put him back on the couch. He was clawing at the restricting hands that told him to calm down.
Regulus-
It was not a name he could call out, it was now a word he needed to relearn. He needed to learn how to enunciate each syllable, to feel it roll off his tongue like any other word. The name he never spoke enough he knows that now and dammit why didn’t he enjoy it.
He needed to feel- he needed his brother- he was... he was... it was drowning him, and as his lungs filled with water the weight of that realisation pushed him further down and all he could do- he needed the air as not to sink.
he needed to breathe
breathe
cool snowy air in his lungs
breathe..
his lungs weren't big enough, strong enough for two people
breathing, breathe, breathe in and out, breathe breathe in and breathe out slowly breathe, breathing breathebreathingbreatheinandoutbreathe1andbreatheoutfor7breatheinfor10andoutwatertoomuchspaceemptyhislungsbreatheinbreathecountingbreathebreatheairbreatheairbreatheairbreathebreathebreathebreathebreathe
His lungs were tired, his head was still pounding, if people were speaking they were white noise to him, drowned out and devoured by the flood in his mind. This house was constricting him, he’d let them pull him back into the ocean where he drowned. They had taken the name and turned it into a word. There is no sound when you're underwater, eventually you get so deep that you don't know what is up and what is down. Eventually your lungs give out and when your eyes shut you take a breath, relieved to be breathing instinctively again. But it's not relief, it’s the knowledge that you’ll never breathe air again, that hits you when you lose the ability to feel. Maybe that relief was what he should’ve held onto. Past the figure in front of him was a window, he caught sight of the sky, but tonight was too foggy to see the stars.