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Chapter Text

“If you walk out that door, we’re done!” 

“I lose you either way, Bella. I’d rather lose you and have you be alive.” 

That was five years ago, and it still haunted Carina. The way Maya screamed for her when she left the room. How earlier, Maya was almost crying in desperation, begging to be let out of the hospital and back to work, how she yelled at her like Carina didn’t know her when Carina knew her better than anyone else had. 

Carina had gone to the apartment and packed her things. They both tried to work it out, but Maya was stubborn, and Carina was tired of trying to offer help that wasn’t being accepted, and they called it quits. It wasn’t for lack of want—because they both wanted to make it better— and it wasn’t for lack of trying— because they both tried and gave as much as they could—but it wasn’t enough. 

Maya’s voice haunted Carina frequently, and sometimes Carina could still smell smoke on her sheets or hear the treadmill going while she lounged around in bed. 

She had been tired then, but she was tired now too, and she spent too much time standing at the kitchen island, stirring sugar in her tea, wondering what her life would look like if Carina had given a little bit more, had forced herself to stay around. 

Carina transferred from Grey-Sloan Memorial to a private practice a few miles away from her small house, big enough for her and her son, for her Liam with striking blue eyes and blonde hair. He could’ve been her and Maya’s, but Maya wasn’t around; Maya and Carina were done by the time Carina began to foster Liam. 

“Mamma!” Liam said, Air floating through the air. Carina was slowly brought from her trance, and she looked toward the door that was cracked shut. Liam’s head was sticking in through the door, and he was grinning sneakily. “Mamma, are you awake?” 

“Sì, Bambino,” Carina grumbled, the door then opening and the light from the hallway flooding into the room just as quickly as Liam did. He stood at the edge of her bed and then planted a kiss on Carina’s forehead. 

“Mamma, I had a dream about firetrucks!” Liam exclaimed, and it slightly broke her heart, but she smiled at him anyway. “Mamma, can we go see the firetrucks one day? Do you think they’d let me do the sirens?” Liam asked, and before the questions could begin to fall, Carina put a finger to his lips. 

“Liam, I love you, Bambino. Mamma is so tired, Mamma needs coffee, and Mamma needs breakfast.” 

But Liam, always so Liam-like, smiled and leaned close to Carina. “Andiamo!” He whispered before rushing to the door, taking off for the kitchen where he would stand on a chair beside Carina while she cooked for them. 

Carina sat up and swung her feet over the edge of the bed. Her feet hit the cold floor, and she prayed for a weekend morning where Liam would sleep past eight. At least she could take it slow this morning, be lazy with him, and lounge on the couch while he played with his toys. 

Carina threw on an old hoodie, one of Andrea’s from before he passed away. It used to smell like him, but now it smelled like her. Sometimes she could smell his cologne, but it was a phantom smell, like the smoke on the pillow beside hers on her bed. 

When she finally made it to the kitchen, Liam was already standing in his chair, pulling the espresso machine out from its spot on the counter and waiting patiently. “Mamma, sei lento! (you’re slow!)” Liam shouted. 

“Sono dietro di te, tesoro. (I’m behind you, darling.)” Carina commented softly. She rubbed her eyes, and Liam turned around, smiling as bright as he could be. 

“Mamma, can we make French toast?” Liam asked. Carina nodded because she loved him and would make him anything if he wanted it, but deep down, she thought about how much Maya loved French toast. 

So, Carina helped Liam with the espresso machine, because he was convinced he could do it by himself, so he could make her coffee because she always makes him hot chocolate. Then, Carina sipped on her coffee, and Liam wrapped his arm around her shoulder while leaning on his chair, whispering his four-year-old nonsense to Carina while they both watched the French toast cook. 

Slow mornings, that’s what Carina loved after years of running around. She traded extra shifts at the hospital, spent worrying and worrying over her wife, who was picking up more shifts than she was allowed for slow mornings with her baby turned toddler turned small child. 

Liam sat in Carina’s lap at the table, using his favorite red fork to stab small French toast pieces and shovel them into his mouth, all while she drank her coffee and stared at the space ahead of her. Carina brushed his hair back and combed her fingers through his short blond hair, then kissed the top of his head and repeated the process. 

Slow mornings, that’s what Carina had most of the time. Activities spread out and unplanned, just Carina and Liam lounging around in the morning. Time where Carina could run her fingers through Liam’s hair, sing songs in his ear while he smiled and stuffed his face with food, help him do his hair and brush his teeth, make him hot cocoa, and fill his red water bottle with water or juice. 

Slow mornings were what Carina had until September. Liam started preschool, and he hated the early mornings, the time he had to spend away from Carina, and the time he was away from his toys. His firefighter and firetruck obsession only grew despite Carina’s attempts to shut it down, but he wasn’t having it. So she bought him everything firetruck-themed in an attempt to get him to stop asking to go see them, and it worked for a little bit, but he only began to pester her more and more. 

Slow mornings are what Carina wished for when they lost power in the middle of the night, and her alarms never went off. 

Carina woke with a deep breath and immediately knew it was too late. Her phone was ringing, and she reached over, grabbed it, and answered it. “Ciao, this is Carina.” 

“Hi, Dr. Deluca, it’s David, we’re just wondering where you are and if you’re coming in today. We know that the adjustment with Liam has been hard, but we need you-”

“Shit, I mean fuck. I mean- I’ll be in. I’m sorry, I must’ve slept past my alarm. I’m sorry. I have to take Liam to preschool, but I’ll be in, I promise!” Carina exclaimed. 

David chuckled on the other side of the phone, “See you soon, Dr. Deluca.” 

Carina hung up, and then she ran from her room and across the hall to Liam’s. Liam was sleeping, one arm over his head and the other across his stomach, his nightlight and sound machine were both still on, and he looked so peaceful. Carina wanted a slow morning, but instead she turned on his big lights—which she rarely did—and knelt at his bed. 

“Bambino, wake up. Liam, Liam! We slept in too long; we have to go.” Carina whispered, lightly pulling the arm above his head down to his side. 

His eyes opened, and he looked at Carina. He smiled, “Buongiorno, Mamma.” He muttered. 

Carina smiled, “Buongiorno, Bambino. Alright, we have to be very speedy this morning!” Carina exclaimed. She watched as the gears turned in Liam's head, and then she watched him begin to pout. “Liam, please-” 

“I’m not going to preschool!” He exclaimed. Liam grabbed the blanket and threw it over his head. 

“Liam, you have to go to preschool.” Carina tried, but as expected, it didn’t work. 

“I’m not! I don’t like it there! I want to stay home with you!” His argument was muffled by the blanket, and Carina stared at the firetrucks printed across it and closed her eyes. 

“Bambino, I’m sorry. Preschool is fun, and before you know it, I’ll be back to get you and-” 

“No!” He screamed. 

Carina held her breath and then let out a long sigh. She stood up and then turned off his night light and sound machine. “I’m going to go make your lunch, and you are going to get out of bed and pick out an outfit you would like to wear to school. Then we’ll do our hair and brush our teeth together, and then I’ll make you some toast, and we’re leaving for work and preschool.” Carina told him, her tone said no argument, but Liam pulled down his blanket just enough to glare at Carina. 

“I’m not going to preschool.” 

“Five minutes, Liam, or bossy Mamma is coming out!” 

“You’re bossy all the time!” He yelled at her as she left the room. 

Slow mornings are what Carina wished for while she forced Liam to stand in the bathroom while she fixed his hair and brushed his teeth. Slow mornings are what Carina wanted when he was sobbing on his bedroom floor, refusing to pick out an outfit with Carina. Slow mornings are what Carina wanted when she made him get dressed, even with tears streaming down his face. Slow mornings are what Carina wanted when tears threatened to come down her face. 

With a lot more struggle than she wanted to deal with, she put Liam in his car seat and turned on his favorite music on the drive to the preschool. His toast with jam went untouched, and he kicked thpassenger'srs seat repeatedly, and Carina fought not to explode at him. 

She brought him into his preschool building, signed him in, and kissed his tear-stained face repeatedly while he whined about going to school. 

He pouted, “Can we see the firetrucks today?” He asked. 

Carina stared at him, and because she felt so terrible, she sighed. “If I take you, do you promise to be a good boy?” She asked. 

He nodded, “I promise.” 

“That means you have to get up when I tell you to, eat your breakfast, and do all the things I ask you to do.” Carina reminded him. Liam nodded and wiped his eyes. “Okay, I’ll take you soon.” 

“Promise?” 

“I promise.” Carina drew an ‘X’ over her heart and then linked his pinky with his, and his pout turned into a sad smile. 

He hugged Carina, and Carina smiled because his backpack was ten sizes too big for his small body. She kissed the side of his head, and he lay her head on her shoulder, “Voglio restare a casa con te. (I want to stay home with you.)” Liam said. 

Carina nodded and rubbed his arm, “Sì, lo so. (Yes, I know.)” She rubbed the pad of her thumb over his face and smiled at him. “I’ll come get you as soon as I can, and then we’ll go see the firetrucks one day soon.” 

He smiled, then he hesitantly walked into his classroom, and Carina watched him until his teacher gave her a thumbs-up. She slowly stood up and left the hallway where his room was, and went to her car. 

She called a number she hadn’t called in years, and she listened to the ringing. 

“Carina? It’s been years since I’ve heard from you!” 

“I have a favor I need to ask.” 

**** ***

The following Sunday morning, Liam and Carina woke up earlier than they liked to on weekends, and they had a slow morning. 

Liam had no clue what was happening, and somehow he chose to wear his fire costume, complete with his helmet. Of course, he insisted on wearing his good khakis and a navy blue button-up shirt, so he could be more like the real firefighters.

Carina and he took a long walk to the park, where Carina pushed him on the swing and held his helmet so he could go down the slide. 

It was rainy, a little foggy, and Liam’s yellow rainboots squeaked here and there. Carina held his hand and walked closer to the busy street, and she led him to the station she used to be at so frequently. 

Liam saw the open garage and his jaw fell open, “Mamma! Today?!” He squealed. 

“Yes, Bambino! Today is the day we see the firetrucks and the firefighters!” Carina exclaimed. 

He hugged her legs and whispered his thanks in Italian into his legs, then he took her hand and pulled her to the front of the building, where he rushed up the stairs with Carina trailing behind him. 

He waited at the door, and Carina pulled it open for him, and then did the same thing with the next one. She led him inside, still holding his hand. His eyes went wide as he took everything in, and he looked down at the ground at the station logo. “Mamma, they wear that on the badges! Like mine!” He pointed to the one pinned to his costume and looked at her. “This is so cold.” 

Carina laughed and then held her arms out to him, and as he ran into them, she lifted him and placed him on her hip. She walked up the stairs like she lived there, like she used to, and found the firefighters of Station 19 sitting around the table. 

Vic stood up from the table quickly and smiled, “Carina! Hey!” 

“Deluca?” Travis asked, eyebrows furrowed when he heard the name. “What are you doing here?” 

Vic smiled, and her eyes softened when she saw Liam, “This is Carina and Liam, they are here for a tour of the fire station.” Carina hugged Vic with her free arm, and Vic held on for a little longer than Carina expected her to. 

Liam looked at Vic cautiously, and his eyes traveled to everyone in the room with confusion in his eyes. He didn’t understand how his Mamma seemed to know everyone in the room, or why they were all looking at him the way they were. He was just Liam Deluca, he was four years old, and he loved firetrucks. He figured maybe he should just say that. 

Carina was looking at everyone in the room, looking at how much they had changed, when her eyes landed on Maya, who was staring at the table, jaw tense and hand gripping her fork like her life depended on it. 

“Hi, I’m Liam. I’m four years old and I love firetrucks.” He said, and then he took one more glance around the room. “How do you know my mamma?” He asked. 

Andy laughed then and stood up. “Hello, Liam. We all knew your mamma a long time ago, and she asked us if she could show you the fire department today. Would you like a tour?” She asked. 

Liam looked at Carina, who gave him a small nod, and he began to wiggle. Carina placed him on the floor and gently patted his head as he ran toward Andy, who had her hand extended. 

Andy gave Carina a small smile and gave her a squeeze on the shoulder as she walked away from them, giving Liam the tour of the building. 

Carina looked at Vic, “Thank you so much for this. He’s been begging me nonstop for months, his entire bedroom is firetruck themed and everything now.” Carina said. There was a scrape against the floor, and then they all watched as Maya walked out of the kitchen. 

Carina sighed, and then Vic rubbed her face, “I tried to get her to take the day off, and she wasn’t having it. I’m sorry, Carina, I know you want this to be special for him. He seems like he’s a good kid, seems like you did a good job.” Vic smiled warmly at her. 

Carina stared in the direction Maya went and nodded, “It’s fine. We’re both adults; we can handle it. We don’t need to be in the same room; it’s fine, the divorce was hard on everyone. It’s… there’s nothing else that can be done. It’s been five years. And yes, he’s a good kid, and I’ve done the best I could.” Carina nodded. 

Vic smiled then nudged Carina’s shoulder, “You gotta admit, he kinda looks like Bishop.” Carina then put a finger to her lips, and Vic laughed. “I missed having you around, Deluca.” Vic wrapped an arm around her, and Carina laughed before leaning into it. 

The station was almost exactly how she had left it; it felt like home, it was once home. That was before everything happened, and that was before she was haunted by ghosts of what-ifs. 

She heard her son laugh, and her heart soared through the air, and she walked out to the catwalk to see Liam on Andy’s shoulders, being given the tour he was looking forward to so much. She watched from the catwalk until they entered the locker rooms, and then she raced back to the kitchen doors and down the stairs so she could get his picture in real firefighter gear. 

Vic looked at Travis and noticed the immediate look. “What?” She asked. 

“You should go talk to Bishop,” Travis commented, and Vic raised an eyebrow at him. Travis raised his finger and pointed at her, “ You promised Maya a long time ago that if Carina ever wanted to come back to this station, you would tell her so that Maya could be out of the building when she came-” 

“I tried!” 

“Ah-ah! You should have told her directly that Carina was coming, and not only was Carina coming to the station, but she was coming with her son ! Go talk to her, Hughes.” Travis grabbed Maya’s bowl off the table with his own and walked to the sink. 

Maya had been haunted by her past for a long time, and she had never been quite able to move on from it, because everything she did to Carina, she hated herself for. 

She sat on her bed, her knee bouncing, and playing with a loose string on her pants. There was a knock on the door, and then Vic opened the door and peered her head in. “Hey, Bishop.” 

Maya looked up once, then placed her head in her hands, “You promised me, Vic! If this is why you wanted me to take the day off, I would have taken the day off.” Maya said, then she looked up. “You know how bad I miss her, and how much I hate myself every day for what happened between us. You know I hate how I don’t get to have a life with her anymore, you know that! You know that, and you let her come, and you didn’t tell me! And she’s happy!” Maya exclaimed.

Vic knelt and placed her hands on Maya’s knees. “Maya, I’m sorry. If I had known that this would be so terrible for you, then I would have let you know the real reason I wanted you to take the day off. I’m sorry, if this ever happens again, I promise I’ll let you know. I’m sorry, I am so sorry.” Vic apologized, and Maya stared at her. “She called about three weeks ago, asking if there was any way they could come to view the station. Her son loves firetrucks, and he’s been begging her to go see real-life firefighters and firetrucks. He’s four and is having a really hard time with preschool, and she thought this could encourage him to be a bit braver.” Vic explained. 

“Do I have to go out to see them?” Maya asked, her throat was tight, and her eyes were watering. 

Vic shook her head, “No, you don’t. But, if there was a time to start making amends with Carina, it would be now.” Vic said, and Maya nodded softly, then watched as Vic left the room. 

After about thirty minutes of questions in each room, they finally made it to the barn. Carina lifted Liam into the front seat of Engine 19, and his face was beaming as he looked at all of the buttons. Andy was in the passenger seat, hand hovering behind his back as he sat on his knees to get a better view. 

“Captain Andy, do you use the headphones to talk?” Liam asked, looking behind him. 

Andy nodded and began to explain to him how everything worked. Carina listened, even though she knew, because she once got the same tour of the station, just with Maya instead. 

“Mamma! Do I look like a real firefighter?” He asked, and Carina nodded. 

“You do! You look just like one, Liam!” Carina exclaimed. “And, you can bring your new firefighter things to show your classmates at preschool, they’ll think you’re so cold!” 

“Cool.” She heard a voice from behind her. “They’ll think he’s so cool.” She would know that voice from anywhere. 

It was the same voice that haunted her at night and in the morning. 

The same voice that screamed, “If you walk out of this room, we’re done!” 

The same voice that used to talk and talk until Carina could fall asleep. 

So yeah, she’d know that voice from anywhere. 

She turned and saw Maya walking over with a poster in her hand. Carina swallowed and nodded, “Cool.” Carina corrected. She heard Andy whisper something, and then the firetruck door closed, and Carina turned around, watching Liam wave at her. Carina gave him a thumbs u, and Andy leaned over, sticking her tongue out at Carina and encouraging Liam to do the same. She snapped a quick picture of them and smiled. 

Carina turned to look at Maya, who was calculating every move before she took it. There wasn’t a minute when Maya’s mind slowed down while she was in Carina’s presence. Carina had to admit that Maya looked better, healthier, after a five-year-long separation. She missed her, and Carina wanted nothing more than to hug her, but instead she put her hands behind her back and stood still, waiting for Maya to say something. 

“Hi,” Maya said, and Carina stared at her, mouth closed and eyes soft. “I…” Maya cleared her throat into her closed fist and then swallowed. ‘

Carina could see the tears in her eyes, and she wanted to wipe them away and take Maya into her arms. But she kept her hands behind her back and stood still, waiting for Maya to say something else. 

“Stations around Seattle host Halloween parties, as you know, or knew. Um, this is the flyer for Station 19’s. They haven’t been put up yet, so it would be nice to see you and your son, if you wanted to come. There’s candy and games, for the kids, and you can come and do whatever it is that you do…” Maya began to trail off and extended the flyer to her. “I’m talking too much, I’m sorry,” Maya whispered. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m trying, please, Carina. I just need more time. I’m sorry.” Maya had cried, kneeling in front of Carina. “I’m trying.”

Carina had been crying too, and the divorce papers were on the coffee table, and Maya’s apartment felt so cold and so bitter, nothing like what she used to know. “I can’t do this anymore, Maya.” Carina had whispered. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

She hated that sentence. There was a reason Liam didn’t know what “I’m sorry” meant until he went to preschool and whispered his apology in Italian to his classmate. Carina had heard it too much, had heard it too much to have it mean nothing; it still meant nothing. 

“I wish you would stop saying that,” Carina said. Her first sentence to Maya in five years had been that; it was also the last thing she had said to her five years ago. 

“Are you sure? I can do better, I’m getting better.” Maya asked as Carina signed her name at the bottom of each paper. 

“I wish you would stop saying that.” 

Maya paused, and she continued to hold the flyer out until Carina took it from her. Carina folded it with neat precision and put it into her back pocket. The two stared at each other for a long time. “Do you think you’ll come?” Maya asked. 

“If I’m not working and he’s been good, then maybe.” 

“Would it help if I said the invite was from Vic?” Maya tried to joke because she figured Carina didn’t want anything to do with her, but she couldn’t have been more wrong. 

“It would help if you said the invite was from you,” Carina said softly, and for the first time in a long time, Maya felt her heart flutter the way it used to. 

“Then the invite is from me, and I hope you’ll be able to come,” Maya said. 

Andy then climbed out of the truck and lifted Liam out onto the floor. Liam ran straight to Carina, and Carina turned around to catch him just in time. Andy then began to walk out of the room, and Carina followed, turning around to look at Maya one last time before leaving the room. 

Carina didn’t smile, she didn’t raise her eyebrows, she didn’t wink, she didn’t do anything. She just stared at Maya, who was standing there like a fool, as if she didn’t break Carina’s heart several times. But it was Maya, and Maya liked to haunt her, and Carina liked to be haunted. 

In two weeks, Carina drove Liam to the station. This time, he was dressed not as a firefighter, but as a ghostbuster. Carina had gone straight from work to pick him up from the after-school program, and most of her time was spent making them food and getting Liam ready. She didn’t even get the chance to change out of her scrubs. 

“Mamma, do you think Captain Andy will be here?” Liam asked. 

“She will be here, Bambino!” 

“Do you think she dressed up too?” He asked. 

Carina parked her car, then got out and helped him unbuckle his seat belt. He let himself be lifted from the seat and then wiggled out of Carina’s arms. He held onto Carina’s pants while Carina grabbed his trick-or-treating bag and his Ghostbuster backpack. She helped him put it on and then handed him the bag. 

“Let’s go, Mamma! We are missing out on the fun!” Liam exclaimed. 

Carina held Liam’s hand and let him lead her into the building. They went in through the front, and immediately Carina was overwhelmed with the number of people there, and so was Liam. He immediately began to cling to her side, and Carina lifted him from the ground, searching for a familiar face. 

The first faces she found were Ben and Miranda, and she walked straight to them. “Dr. Bailey! Dr. Warren!” Carina exclaimed. Miranda looked at Carina, and she let out a small gasp, too excited to see her. 

“Oh, Carina! Look at you! Is this Liam?” Miranda asked, and Carina nodded. 

“Yes, big boy turns five next year in June,” Carina said with a proud smile, placing her hand on Liam’s chest and patting softly. “Liam, these are some of my old friends. This is Dr. Ben and Dr. Miranda Bailey.” Carina introduced. 

Liam looked at them shyly and wrapped his arm around Carina, “Ciao.” He said softly. 

Carina smiled and then looked back at the two people she used to consider her closest friends. “It’s nice to see you guys, I’ve missed you all.” 

“It’s good to see you as well. You look amazing, Carina.” 

Carina laughed and shook her head, “I look like I just got out of work and had to help my son get ready for a big party he refused to miss.” Carina brushed some flyaways back, and Liam tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, then played with the clasp of her necklace. 

“So, you and Maya?” Miranda asked, and Carina shook her head, quickly denying any idea of the two of them being together again. 

“Mamma, it’s Captain Andy!” Liam exclaimed. Carina gave Ben and Miranda an apologetic look and a small wave goodbye as she walked Liam over to And, who was jotting something down. 

When Andy saw him, she scooped him right up from Carina’s arms and smiled brightly. Andy didn’t even let Carina hover before encouraging her to go back to Ben and Miranda to catch up, and Carina hesitated before leaving her son with the safety of her ex-wife's best friend. 

Earlier, Maya had been standing on a ladder. It was still light outside, hardly any decorations had been put up, and they had their work cut out for them. Maya stood on a ladder while Andy stood below it, checking things off in her head. 

“So, do you know if Carina is coming tonight with her son?” Maya asked. 

Andy paused and looked up at her, “Bishop…” Andy started. 

“Andy, stop it! I just want to know!” 

“No, I don’t know! I didn’t know Carina was invited in the first place!” Andy exclaimed. Maya secured the banner before climbing down, standing face to face with Andy. Maya gave Andy a singular look, and Andy shook her head, “No. No!” 

“I invited her!” Maya rushed. 

“Maya Kathleen!” Andy shouted. 

“It seemed appropriate!” 

“To invite your ex-wife and her child over for a Halloween party?” Andy criticized. “She has a kid now!” 

“I know!” 

“She’s happy!” 

“I know!” 

“It took you years to get over yourself! To finally start wanting to be better! Neither of you are who you used to be!” Andy exclaimed, and Maya let out a long breath. Andy went quiet and rubbed her chin, “What are you wanting to come out of this, Maya?” Andy asked, and when Maya didn’t answer and tried to walk away, Andy grabbed her arm. “I’m serious, Maya. What do you want from this?”

Maya paused and shrugged, “I want to apologize, I want to leave on better terms than we were on. I don’t want to be with her for real, that’s just the idea in my head. Maybe one day I will want it for real, but I don’t want that now. I want her to know I’m sorry.” Maya looked at Andy, “Is that such a bad thing?” Maya asked. 

Andy shook her head, “No, but if you hurt her again, Maya, I swear.” 

“I won’t. I don’t ever want to hurt her again, not after everything I put her through.” Maya smiled sadly.
Now, she was escaping the children, her heart heavy. Carina hadn’t come, and she didn’t think she would now that it was so late. Liam probably had a strict bedtime, and Carina probably didn’t want to mess with it. 

Travis came into the room and sat beside her, then wrapped an arm around her. Together, they sat in silence, both unsure of what to say. 

The divorce had been messy because Maya wanted to try, and Carina was done trying because Maya would promise her something and then do the opposite of what she had promised. The house was torn on who to support, or if they should support both, and they suffered the long fights and the irritability from both women. They also dealt with the heartache and the pain each one went through, and eventually, Carina stopped showing up and stopped answering texts and calls. Then the divorce was finalized, and the last they saw of Carina was a glimpse of her walking past the station with a box of things in her hands. 

Travis and Maya remained in the room for fifteen more minutes before they heard their names being called. And they left the room together in silence, and went their separate ways to the stations they each were running. 

Andy carried Liam on her hip and watched as his interest turned away from Andy, explaining all the games to something on the opposite side of the barn. Andy followed his eyes and saw his eyes had landed on Maya, and she stilled for a second. 

“Liam?” Andy asked. 

Liam looked at her and then he began to smile, “Can I do the face paint? And can we find my mamma? Mamma always gets face paint with me.” Liam said. 

Andy nodded, and as they walked away from the barn to go find Carina, she turned to look at May, who was holding stickers and standing behind a table of prizes, greeting the kids with a large smile. She was doing better; she had been for the last three years. It had taken too long to get there, but in the end, Andy was just glad she got there. 

The Halloween event ended at Station 19, and Maya had been catching glimpses of Carina and Liam all night. And she smiled at them. When Liam played the game at her station, Carina leaned against the table and watched him. She had a pumpkin painted onto the side of her face, matching Liam. 

“I like your pumpkin,” Maya said, and Carina looked at her and assessed her. 

“Thanks.” Carina had given as a response, and after that, Carina went back to watching Liam getspund around, blindfold over his eyes and tail in his hand. He giggled and stumbled forward, placing the tail onto the forehead of a dalmatian. 

Liam pulled the blindfold over his eyes, and he laughed, “I almost did it!” Liam exclaimed, turning to look at Carina. “Mamma, did you watch me?” 

“Sì, Bambino! Ti ho osservato! (I’ve been watching you!)” Carina smiled, and he raced over to her. Liam placed his hand in Carina’s and then looked up at the table. He saw Maya and shied away from the table, going to hide behind Carina. “Liam, what are you doing?” She asked. 

“Andiamo da qualche altra parte. (Let’s go somewhere else.)” He whispered, and Carina’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“Non vuoi il tuo premio? (Don’t you want your prize?)” Carina asked. Liam shook his head and gently tugged on Carina’s hand. Maya watched the scene unfold, and she held the sticker she had been hoping to give to Liam. 

Carina knelt, and Liam’s hands gripped Carina’s shirt. “Mamma,” Liam whispered. Carina watched as he got more upset, his chest beginning to heave, and then the tears began to fall his face. “Voglio andarmene. (I want to leave.)” 

Carina lifted him and gave Maya an apologetic look. “You can take him upstairs, just in case he doesn’t want to leave. No one’s allowed up there, but you deserve an exception.” Maya said. 

Carina nodded softly and carried Liam out of the room, rubbing his back and speaking to him softly in her native language, trying to decipher what had caused him to get so upset. 

Slow mornings were what Carina loved, but she also loved slow evenings. Even if this one had been crazy and fast, it ended with Liam’s face tucked into her neck and fingers twirling her hair. A single light had been turned on, and Liam’s ghost buster's backpack sat on the kitchen island. They hadn’t left the station yet, so Carina was still in scrubs and Liam was still in his costume. 

“Can you tell me what made you upset?” Carina asked him. He shook his head and sighed. “Are you ready to go home?” Carina asked, and he nodded. Carina grabbed his bag and carried him down the stairs. She slipped out of the station without being noticed, or so she thought. She got Liam in his car seat and watched as he quickly began to fall asleep. She shut his door and placed her hand on her door handle. 

“Hey! Carina!” 

“If you walk out that door, we’re done!” 

Carina turned around and saw Maya running up toward her. She stopped and smiled nervously, then held out a sticker. “This is for Liam. I want to make sure he gets it.” Carina took the sticker from Maya. 

“Thanks.” Carina opened her door and placed the sticker in the cupholder. 

“Will you start coming around more?” Maya blurted out. 

Carina stared at Maya and paused, “I don’t know…” Carina trailed off. 

Maya held her hands out and began to ramble, “Listen, I just want you to feel comfortable here. You should still be able to come here without feeling like you have to walk on eggshells, and you should be able to bring Liam cause you know he loves Andy and Vic, and you can show him the trucks, bribe him to be good.” 

Carina watched as Maya’s words began to die down, and she smiled despite herself. “Is that all?” 

Maya shook her head, “And I want to start making it up to you.” 

“Maya-” 

“No, Carina, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way everything turned out, I’m sorry I was so stupid, I’m sorry I did what I did to you. I want to make it up to you, I want you to see I’m sorry. I at least owe that to you.” Maya looked at her, and Carina stared at her big blue eyes, and she folded. 

“Okay,” Carina whispered. 

Maya began to smile, “Okay?” She asked. Carina nodded. “Cool, cool! Okay. Cool, good.” 

Carina then motioned to her car, “I’m gonna get going.” 

“Yes, yeah, leave. Busy day for you, busy. Yes, bye.” Maya took a step back, and Carina smiled, and she got into the car. 

Chapter Text

Carina did what she was asked to do, and slowly but surely she began making more appearances at the station. She sat as far away from Maya as possible, made as little conversation with her as she could, and when it was appropriate, she brought Liam with her. 

Liam seemed to get along with most of the firefighters, but he watched Maya with a cautious eye and tended to stray away from her. He watched her from afar, whether it be standing next to Andy, watching Travis cook, helping Vic make coffee, or sitting in Carina’s lap; he watched her silently. 

As October turned to November, Liam sat on the floor of Carina’s bedroom, crayon in his hand and coloring in his coloring book. Carina was in the bathroom, phone pressed to her ear as she did her makeup in the mirror. 

“Vic, I don’t know what to do.” There was a pause, and then Carina sighed deeply. “I just don’t want to go through that again.” Another pause, and Liam looked at her this time, watching the way his mom began to move around, searching through her makeup bag. “I hear you, I hear you!” Carina exclaimed with a laugh. “Yes, we’re going to come later for a little bit, we’re going to have our own Thanksgiving dinner first,” Carina commented. She hummed and then hung up the phone. 

Liam got up, holding the picture, and walked to the bathroom. “Mamma?” He asked. 

Carina looked at him, and her smile grew ten times larger than it had been before. “Ciao, Bambino!” Carina exclaimed. She lifted him and placed him onto the bathroom counter. “What did you draw?” Carina asked, and Liam held it to his chest. 

“It’s private,” Liam told her, and she raised an eyebrow at him, but dropped it. “Mamma, have you ever been in love before?” Liam asked. 

Carina paused in her tracks and looked at her son, placing the rest of her makeup in the makeup bag and beginning to brush her hair. “Where is this coming from?” 

Liam shrugged, “I just want to know.” 

Carina nodded, “Yes, I have a few times.” 

“With who?” Liam asked. His curiosity was growing, and he looked at Carina, “Was it with Firefighter Maya?” Liam asked, and Carina stopped again. 

“How did you-” 

“‘Cause you look at her funny. I saw a picture from a really long time ago, but I don’t remember it, so I don’t think I was there.” 

Carina smiled, “If it were from a long time ago, you wouldn’t have been there. Where did you find it?” Carina asked. 

“On Captain Andy’s phone. She was showing me pictures from when she wasn’t Captain Andy, she was Lieutenant Andy, and Firefighter Maya was Captain Maya.” Liam shrugged, “Are we going to see the firefighters today?” He asked. 

Carina nodded, “Yeah, for a little bit. We’re going to take the Tiramisu we made yesterday to them, they’ll like that.” Carina asked. 

Liam nodded, “Mamma?” 

“Liam Deluca?” Carina asked, and he giggled. 

“Do you still love firefighter Maya?” He asked. 

Carina hesitated before shrugging, “I don’t know.” Carina looked at him, and he smiled at her. 

“Well, that’s okay, Mamma. You don’t always get to know everything, even if you’re the smartest.” Liam told her, and Carina teared up before grabbing the side of his head and pressing a kiss to his head. 

“Thank you, Liam. That was very smart of you.” Carina said, and then Liam grinned and began to shimmy to the side of the counter. Carina lifted him and put him on the ground. 

Slow evenings at the station are what Carina used to love. Moments where she surprised the A-shift with a cup of coffee in her hand, and sat around with whoever was on desk duty. Slow afternoons, when the clinic wasn’t busy, and she still could help out. Slow mornings, where she and Maya drove to work together. She’d drop Maya off, then drive herself to work and text Maya how much she already missed her. 

Liam carried his picture; he wore black khakis, his boots, and a green sweater. He picked the outfit out himself, and Carina was proud of the sense of fashion he was beginning to develop. He walked into the building holding Carina’s free hand, and he went straight to the stairs and began to go up them. 

Carina followed him, and together they walked into the kitchen. And when Andy saw him, she smiled. “Liam!” Andy exclaimed. 

“Captain Andy!” Liam ran straight to her, and he was lifted into her lap. “Hi guys!” Liam exclaimed when he looked at the rest of the table. Everyone smiled at him, and then Travis and Vic began to carry in dishes of food. 

Maya walked into the room, brushing her hair back and fixing her uniform. Liam stared at her the second she walked in and leaned further into Andy, before turning his head to Carina. Carina smiled at him softly, and then they began to pass around the food. Liam sat in the seat between Carina and Andy, and Carina made him a small plate and placed it in front of him.

The firefighters ate together, laughed together, and talked, and eventually Maya finished her food and stood up and left the room. She went out to the catwalk and sat down there, letting her feet dangle down. She heard the door to the catwalk open, and she turned her head to see Liam staring at her. 

Maya smiled at him, “Hello, Liam.” 

Liam continued to stare at her and then looked behind him before leaving Maya alone. And just like that, it became a usual thing that Liam appeared wherever Maya was, silent and waiting. There were times Maya would be in the locker area, starting a load of laundry, and Liam would be peeking from behind the lockers, staring at her. There were times when Maya would be in the kitchen, getting a snack, and Liam would be right there. 

It was like Liam was perfectly able to figure out where to go to find Maya, the perfect time to escape his mother's watchful eye, and was always watching Maya to see where Maya had headed off. Eventually, she started to find pieces of paper full of pictures scribbled in crayon sitting on the bed of her bunk. She thought about hanging them up on the fridge at the station, but she took them home and started putting them on her fridge. 

Maya remembered slow mornings with Carina, where Carina would take hours to get out of bed while Maya would already be awake, working out, and being productive. Maya would leave the bathroom, look at Carina, and say, “Aren’t you ready to get up yet?”. Carina would lift her head slightly from her pillow and shake her head. Then she would reach her arm out, grab Maya by a pocket or the end of a shirt, and pull her back to bed. 

Maya dreamt about those mornings, and she had been for years. When she was upset, she just reminded herself of the slow mornings she had, and thought of the good times, and somehow it made her feel better. 

She dreamt about the evenings too, when Carina would bake for her, and they would eat on the couch instead of in the kitchen, and they would put on a stupid sitcom that didn’t require them to use their brains, and Carina would play with Maya’s hair, and Maya would tell her about what new things were going on at the station. 

She wanted slow evenings. 

She wanted slow evenings, especially in December when a big snowstorm hit. She, Vic, and Andy watched it from the window when it hit at seven in the evening. Andy looked at them, “Get ready, it’s going to be a long night.” Andy told them. 

Maya sighed, “The last time we were stuck in the station for a big snowstorm, I helped JJ give birth to Pru.” Maya muttered. 

People started trailing in at nine, and Maya could feel herself slowly starting to go crazy with the amount of kids doing crazy things, all the kids refusing to sleep, all the kids being too loud. None of the parents did anything to tell their kids to calm down, and Maya was seconds away from exploding at them. 

Maya was upstairs in the kitchen, grabbing a mug so she could have a cup of coffee, and that’s when she started to feel like she was being watched. She turned around, and then she saw the little blond who had been following her around since November. “Liam?” She asked, then she looked around for Carina. “Liam, where’s Carina?” Maya asked. 

Liam was wearing his pajamas, white with firetrucks printed all over them. He was wearing only one sock, and the other one seemed to be missing. His lips turned into a pout, and then he started crying, and Maya could tell something wasn’t right with him. Liam walked straight to May, and Maya knelt on one knee. 

“Liam, what’s wrong?” Maya asked, and for the first time, he stepped into her arms and leaned against her. He brought his hand to his lips and sniffled. 

“I don’t like my babysitter.” He whispered, and then his lip began to tremble. “And I don’t feel good!” He exclaimed. 

Maya brought her hand to his forehead and then watched as a basketball went flying in their direction, barely missing them. She stood up and looked at the kids who were standing by the stairs, “Take it downstairs to the barn!” Maya glared at them, and she watched as they all ran away with a squeal. When she knelt again, Liam was staring at her with wide, teary eyes. Maya placed her hand on his forehead again and felt that he was burning up. 

“Mamma said she was going to come home really fast, but then it started to snow, and then we lost power at my house, so the babysitter brought us here, but I don’t like my babysitter. Captain Andy was busy, so I just came to get you.” Liam whispered. 

Maya rubbed his back, “It’s okay. You did a good job, Liam. Do you remember what your mamma’s phone number is?” Maya asked, and he nodded, and Maya smiled. 

Liam allowed himself to be lifted by Maya, and she carried him downstairs to the barn. She opened the back of the aid car and shut the doors behind them. Maya placed Liam on the stretcher and grabbed the thermometer. She placed it over his forehead and watched as the light turned red, then gave her a temperature. 

Maya looked at Liam, and he stared at he. “Firefighter Maya, can we stay here?” Liam asked. 

Maya thought about it and nodded, “Yeah. We can just stay here, but I need your mamma’s phone number so I can call her.” Maya smiled at him. 

Liam listed off the numbers, and then Maya called Carina, sitting on the edge of the stretcher. Liam crawled over and lay his head on her lap, and then she watched him close his eyes. When the phone was answered, “Hello? This is Carina Deluca-” 

“Hey, Carina, it’s Maya.” 

“Maya? How did you get my number?” Carina asked. 

“Liam. He is at the station with his babysitter, but he doesn’t feel good. I was just calling to let you know.” Maya said

Carina let out a long sigh, “I’ll be on the way to the station after I get home, but it’s-”

Maya shook her head, “Don’t go home. Just come straight to the station.” She heard Carina begin to protest, “I’m serious, Carina. Driving is dangerous; the fact that you even left where you were in the first place is insane! Just come to the station, please.” 

“I need clothes.” 

“Carina.” Maya deadpanned. 

The nickname left her mouth before Carina could even think about it, “Bambina, I need clothes! I’m still in scrubs! I just left work and I’m all gross, that labor ran way longer than it should have, and Liam will probably want his things and-” 

“Carina, please.”, Maya begged, and then Carina finally gave in. Maya smiled, and Liam sat up, reaching for Maya’s phone. “Here, it’s Liam, he has something to tell you,” Maya said. 

She watched Liam lie back down. He hardly said two words, but he kept the phone held to his ear, and he didn’t put it down until Carina hung up. She watched Liam get teary, and then he started crying again. Maya sat him up and he stood on the stretcher, “I want to go home!” Liam exclaimed. 

“I know, I know. You can soon, when the roads and snow clear up.” Maya attempted to comfort him, but he wasn’t having it. He kept asking to go home and to go to Carina, and Maya stood up and lifted him into her arms. 

She rocked from side to side, holding Liam close to her, and eventually he calmed down and fell asleep against her. When Maya was completely sure he was asleep, Maya stepped out of the aid car and walked out of the barn and upstairs to the bunks. Worried she would wake him if she put him down, Maya paced around the room holding him, checking his temperature every so often with the back of her hand. 

Carina got to the station unscathed and sat in the car for a few minutes. She was still in scrubs, felt disgusting, and exhausted, and there was still a little boy who needed her and was sick, asking for his mamma. She placed her head on her steering wheel and let out a long breath. She just had to take it one step at a time. 

That’s what she told herself after Maya. She had to take everything one step at a time. The steps led her to where she was now, and it was all leading her back to Maya, the reason she had to take the steps in the first place. 

Carina got out of her car, arms bare against the snow that still seemed to be pouring from the sky, no end in sight. Carina took the steps slowly, trying not to slip on the ice that had begun to form. She entered the building and cut through the crowds of people who had taken to sitting on the floors or leaning against the walls. She walked upstairs and found more people, then she went to the Lieutenants' bunks and knocked on the door gently. 

The door cracked open, and she saw Maya’s blue eyes, then the blond hair of her son sleeping against her. Carina’s eyes softened upon seeing her son, and she brushed his hair back and kissed his head. “Ciao, Bambino.” Carina whispered, and then she looked at Maya. “Hi, Maya.” 

“Hey,” Maya smiled at her softly. “He fell asleep about fifteen minutes after you hung up, and he’s still kind of war, but every time I’ve tried to put him down, he wakes up and gets pretty upset.” Maya was soft spoken, and Carina nodded along. 

“Okay, and his babysitter?” Carina asked, and then Maya shrugged. 

“Haven’t seen her around, but he came right to me and found me, so at least he didn’t take off.” Maya shrugged, then she looked Carina up and down. “You can go shower if you want, and I have clothes for you on the bed, all clean. Do you want anything? Coffee, tea, water?” Maya asked. 

Carina thought about it and smiled at her, “Maybe a cup of coffee would be nice.” Carina asked, and Maya nodded softly, then Carina walked out of the bunks and was gone. 

Carina took five minutes to shower, took five minutes to gather herself, took five minutes to attempt to get the image of Maya holding her son and rocking him out of her head, and took five minutes to remind herself of everything that had happened. 

“If you walk out that door, we are done!” 

“I lose you either way, Bella. I’d rather lose you and have you be alive.” 

She repeated those words to herself and reminded herself of the year after that day, and everything she had to do to get to where she was now. Carina wasn’t sure if she could go through it again, but she had watched Maya hold Liam, and whisper because she was scared she would wake him up, and be the mother Carina knew she could’ve been, and thought she would’ve been. 

Carina put on the sweatpants that were Vic’s, which she only knew because of the V.H written into the tag on the side, and then Maya’s shirt. She knew it was Maya’s because it fit her like all of Maya’s shirts used to fit, and it smelled like her. Carina lifted the neckline to her nose and took one singular deep breath, her eyes closed, and allowed happy memories of Maya to fill her head for a few short seconds before blocking them out. 

“If you walk out that door, we’re done!” 

Carina left the bathroom wearing Maya’s shirt and placed her folded clothes into Maya’s locker. One day a long time ago, Carina would’ve filled the space on the corkboard: polaroids and photographs Maya had printed out, wristbands from events they’d gone to together, handwritten notes of grocery lists where Carina had drawn hearts all over the page just because she loved Maya. It sat mostly empty now, a few pictures of her, Vic, and Andy, her bib from the Olympics sat proudly there with a picture of her biting her medal with a huge smile. 

She left the locker room and found Maya holding Liam still, rocking him side to side while pouring coffee into two mugs. People were still around; they occupied the living space, downstairs in the barn. Children could still be heard squealing and laughing, but the world narrowed down to Maya in the kitchen, rocking Liam, and her lips moving; she was probably whispering firefighter stories into his ear. 

Carina walked into the kitchen and stood at the counter. Maya looked at her and smiled softly. Maya lifted a cup of coffee and passed it to Carina, then nodded to the bunks again. Carina ended up grabbing both cups of coffee and followed Maya to the bunks. 

Carina placed the mugs on the desk and looked at Liam, “Are your arms tired yet?” Carina asked. 

Maya shrugged, “A little, not much. I’ve lifted heavier things; he’s just like a heavier version of a teddy bear.” Maya grinned. 

Carina walked over to Maya and slowly took Liam into her arms. She carried him to the bed and slowly placed him down. She kept her hand on his chest for a second and knelt, watching Liam begin to fuss and whine. “Shhh, vai a dormire. Sono proprio qui. (Go to sleep. I’m right here.)” Carina whispered, then lifted her free hand and brushed his hair back. His face began to relax, and he settled. 

Carina removed her hand from his chest and pressed a kiss to his head. Then she stood up and sat on the bed, and patted the spot beside her. Maya sat down, passed Carina’s mug of coffee to her, and looked at her, “You always wanted to raise kids in your language.” Maya commented softly, and she smiled sadly. “I’m really happy you were able to.” 

Carina looked at her and nodded, “I’m very happy too. He spoke Italian at home for a very long time, and we watched TV together in English so he could still learn. He still sometimes speaks English with an accent like mine,” Carina chuckled and smiled. 

“So you raised him by yourself?” Maya asked. 

Carina nodded, and her face read like it was a no-brainer, “Who else would have helped me? I lost the station when we divorced, and then I left the hospital-” 

“You didn’t lose the station just because we divorced-” 

Carina nodded, “I did. I didn’t want anyone to pick sides, and I didn’t want that tension still in the station, so I chose for you guys. I wanted you to have people, because you needed people more than I did.” Carina looked at her softly, “And I wanted you to have those people, because at one point I trusted them all with my life.” 

“You don’t anymore?” Maya asked. 

Carina shrugged, “I’m just now coming back after five years, people change in five years. I changed, you changed, Andy’s changed, Vic changed. Everyone is different, not a bad thing, it’s just the way life is.” Carina whispered. 

“I wish you hadn’t walked away from the station. I know it was hard, but I wish you had stayed.” Maya said, and it was then that Carina grabbed her hand and squeezed it softly. 

“I know, Maya,” Carina murmured, and then she squeezed her hand once more. “But I’m here now, and Liam loves you all so much I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to leave this place again.” 

Maya’s cheeks turned flushed, and she nodded. “Good, I hope it stays that way for a long time,” Maya whispered. Carina smiled and then rested her head on Maya’s shoulder, taking one long, deep breath. When she did that, Maya could feel the tears coming to her eyes and could feel her lip beginning to tremble. 

There were so many times that Maya sat in the bunks just like she did now, alone and in the dark, with tears streaming down her face. Usually, she was crying over Carina, sometimes over the call she had just been on, but mostly over Carina. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been so stubborn? How could she have been so selfish?

“God, I missed you, Carina,” Maya whispered, and she brought her hand up to her eyes, spreading her fingers over her eyes. “I was so stupid, I’m so sorry, Carina. God. I’m so sorry.” Maya cried, her chest shook softly, and then she heard a soft snore fall from Carina, and she stayed still, but the tears still fell from her face, and she didn’t fight to hold them off. 

In the morning, she was woken up by Liam whispering to Carina. It was Italian she couldn’t understand, and she gently placed her hand on his back, “Liam, let your mamma sleep, buddy. What do you need?” Maya asked, then she forced her eyes open and looked at Liam. 

His cheeks were pink and it was clear to Maya he was still running a fever. He looked at Maya, “I need the bathroom.” He said simply. 

Maya grinned and watched Liam climb off the bed. Maya slowly lifted Carina’s head off her shoulder and lowered Carina down on the bed. Maya stood up and walked Liam to the bathroom, waiting outside until he was done, and then she lifted him while he washed his hands.  

Liam then reached up when he was placed down, and Maya held him in her arms and rested him on her hip. Liam rested against Maya and rubbed his eyes, looking around the station. “Where are all the people?” Liam asked. 

Maya looked and saw that most people had already cleared out, which shocked Maya more than it should have. “Either they’re downstairs in the barn, or they’ve all gone home. Do you still want to go home?” Maya asked. 

Liam shrugged, “I don’t know. I like the station.” Liam responded with furrowed eyebrows. 

Maya chuckled, “I know you do.” 

Liam and Maya went around the station, looking for other people, only finding some being treated for medical care. Maya checked Liam’s temperature and found that he still was running a fever, and decided that when Carina was up and she had checked with Carina for allergies, she would administer some medicine. 

Liam seemed much better than he did last night, which reassured her more than anything that maybe he missed Carina last night. When the alarm went off, Maya got ready to spring into action but Andy told her to stay behind, that she was on desk duty, and Maya could hardly put up a fight because Liam was telling Maya what espresso machine he and Carina had at home, and how if they ever had another sleepover at the station, they’d need one otherwise Carina would be cranky. 

Carina slowly trudged out of Maya’s bunk, still wearing Maya’s shirt and Vic’s sweatpants. Her hair was a mess, and her eyes were squinted, still full of sleep. When Carina saw Liam, she walked straight to him and kissed his head, checking his temperature with the back of her hand. 

“I took his temp, it’s going down, and he’ll probably break his fever soon. I was going to give him some medicine, but I didn’t know if there was anything he was allergic to that could be in any of the medicine we have, or what you’d want me to give him in the first place.” Maya commented, then she took a sip of coffee from her mug. 

Carina shook her head, “Allergic to nothing.” She commented, then she followed Maya to the cabinet filled with basic cold and flu medication, and grabbed a bottle she would’ve given him at home. “Our power is still out,” Carina commented, then rubbed her hands over her face. “I’m so worried about it, Maya.”

“It’ll be okay, I’m sure it’ll be up within the next few hours. A shift ends in twenty minutes, but if you wanted, you could come back to mine. New apartment, new building, a little further from here. If you want to come, that is, no pressure.” Maya offered. 

Carina thought about it and then slowly shook her head, “No, that’s probably not a good idea.” Carina whispered, and Maya bit her lip and nodded softly. “But, we could do something later this week. We can see if the children’s museum is open, or something like that.” Carina offered. 

Carina saw the way Maya’s eyes lit up, she saw the way her smile came onto her face before she could stop it, and she saw the way Maya tried to hide her excitement with a slow nod, a soft “sure, that sounds like fun.” and the flex of her hand before she shook them softly at her sides and placed them in her pockets. 

For a second, Carina caught herself thinking that maybe—just maybe—Maya had changed. Maya had grown up, matured some, and truly worked on herself. That maybe Maya fought to get to where she was, and that she was willing to fight in ways she wouldn’t before. Maybe Maya was it for her, like Carina thought she was once upon a time. 

But only for a second, and then she saw Maya’s face five years ago. She saw the way her face had paled so drastically, the bags under her eyes, and the panic and anger in her eyes. Then she heard it, ringing through her head like the church bells at home in Italy used to. 

“If you walk out that door, we are done!” 

Carina then lost the smile on her face, and she went strangely quiet, and Maya picked up on it right away. “Is everything okay?” Maya asked. 

Carina nodded, “Yeah. I’m just gonna, I have to go to the bathroom, keep an eye on Liam?” Carina asked. 

Maya nodded, “Sure thing.” 

Carina went straight to the bathroom, and anything that was sitting in her stomach made a threat to come back up. She sat on the floor of the bathroom after a few minutes of dry heaving, and then she lay on the floor. 

When Carina came out of the bathroom again, Liam was coloring at the table while Maya attempted the crossword in a newspaper. “Shouldn’t you be downstairs on desk duty?” Carina asked. 

Maya nodded, “Yep, but I had someone to watch, and if someone really needed something, they’d yell around and see if they could find someone.” Maya grinned at Liam, then stuck her tongue out at him, earning a sharp giggle from Liam. 

Carina caught herself thinking it again, and this time she let herself, and she sat at the table next to Liam. She wrapped an arm around him, rubbing slow and soft circles on his back and letting him color a once white sheet of paper. Maya and her made small talk until the rest of Station 19's A-shift returned, and then she and Liam went to Vic and Travis’ shared home. 

Liam spoke with Travis, and Carina apologized for her abrupt leave five years ago, and they all had dinner together before the Delucas left. Liam fell asleep on the couch with his shoes still on, and Carina just about fell asleep at the table. Then she took herself to the love seat and fell asleep there, where Liam ended up cuddled on her chest. 

The following week, Maya showed up at the Deluca house five minutes early and held flowers. She hoped they were still Carina’s favorites; she wondered if she should have even gotten them for her. They were apology flowers, not I want to date you flowers. They were a peace treaty that wasn’t needed. They were a result of Maya’s anxious thinking and irrational, compulsive decisions. 

She saw Liam’s head peak through the curtains, and then he was gone in an instant, and the door was being pulled open. She heard Carina yell from somewhere in the house, “Liam Andrea Deluca!” 

Liam hugged her legs and then looked up with the largest grin on her face, “Ciao, firefighter Maya! La mamma si sta preparando. Sono molto emozionato, e tu? Ci divertiremo molto! (Hello, firefighter Maya! Mamma is still getting ready. I’m very excited for today, are you? We are going to have a lot of fun.)” 

Maya stared at him in confusion, and then he caught sight of the flowers, and he smiled brightly. “You got Mamma flowers!” Liam exclaimed. 

“Yes, yeah, I did.” Maya nodded, and Liam took her hand and pulled her inside. 

She was given the four-year-old version of a house tour, which really just consisted of Liam showing Maya his favorite things in each room. Carina stepped into the hallway in a large black sweater and a pair of burgundy flowy pants, and she put her hair into a messy bun at the back of her head. 

“Ciao Maya. Sorry about him, he’s very excited about today.” 

“That’s okay, so am I.” Maya smiled, then she watched Carina catch a glance of the flowers. 

“You remembered?” Carina slowed, arms falling by her side as a small smile took over her face. 

Maya nodded, “Yeah. I don’t think I could forget something so important.” Maya commented, and then Liam pushed open his bedroom door, rambling in both Italian and English to May, who was only halfway listening. 

Carina teared up, and then she took the flowers from Maya, “Thank you, they’re beautiful.” Carina whispered, and she watched Carina almost step forward and hug her, but then she took a step back and smiled. “I’m going to go put these downstairs, and then Liam needs to put his shoes on, and we’ll be ready. Are you still okay to drive?” Carina asked. 

Maya nodded and gave her a slight thumbs up before going to Liam’s room, watching him run around his room and talk about all of his firefighter things. If there was one thing Maya thought Carina was exaggerating over, it would’ve been the amount of firefighter things he had in his room, but after seeing it, Maya began to think everything Carina said was under exaggerated. 

That day was the best day Maya had had in years. The car ride there, Liam sang songs for them in the backseat, and Carina was still getting ready in the car, just like she used to all that time ago. When they got to the museum, Carina ordered a coffee, and Liam got a hot chocolate, which he finished within fifteen minutes. Liam started off holding only Carina’s hand, walking between Maya and Carina, and then he switched to holding both of their hands, and Maya relished it. 

He did all the activities he could, and Maya did them with him when he wanted her to, and Carina took videos of both of them. Maya forced Carina to do a few things with him, and Maya got those on video for Carina. 

Then they got lunch together, where Liam and Maya played tic-tac-toe together while Carina tried to figure out what Liam wanted to eat. Then Liam asked, “Mamma, are you and firefighter Maya in love?” 

Carina choked on her drink, and Maya hit her knee trying to get up from the booth. She patted Carina’s back, and Carina coughed into her elbow. When she managed to catch her breath, Carina gave him a look, “Liam, don’t ask that again.” 

“But-” 

“Liam,” Carina said, finality in her voice. Then the table went quiet, and Liam frowned in his seat, turning away from both Maya and Carina. They ate their meals with minimal conversation, and Liam got into his car seat and refused any help from either of them, so they let him buckle his seatbelt. 

On the way home, he fell asleep, and Maya said over the low hum of the radio, “I think we should talk.” Carina was powerless to do anything but nod in agreement.

Carina carried Liam inside, and Maya stayed outside in the car for a few minutes before leaving and entering the Deluca house. She stood on the mat by the front door until Carina came back, and then they sat on the couch. 

There was silence until Carina asked, “Do you still love me?” Carina asked. 

Maya stared at her hands, but she nodded, “Yeah. I probably always will. I thought you were the one for me and then…” She trailed off, and she rubbed her nose. “We just couldn’t seem to work it out. It was necessary, it had to happen, we both know it.” Maya shrugged and then looked at Carina, “There’s nothing we can do about that now.” 

Carina stared at her, “Aren’t you going to ask me the same question?” She asked, confusion dripping from her voice. 

Maya shook her head, “No, because you don’t owe me that answer. I don’t need to know if you don’t want to tell me.” Maya looked at her, “If you want to tell me, you can.” 

Carina paused, and then she looked around for a second, trying to fight the tears that came to her eyes. “It was really hard, Maya.” Carina whispered, “And I don’t think you realized just how hard it was for me.” Her voice began to break. “I still hear you in my head, after five years, telling me if I left that room, that we were done. I still hear it every time I look at you, and the worst part i,s I didn’t think you were serious. I thought I was helping you.” 

“You were, you did. You tried, but I was just stubborn and didn’t want help because I didn’t think I needed it. I now know that I needed it, and I’m sorry for everything.” 

“I had to fight every single day to hate you, and even when I hated you, I still loved you. Do you know that?” Carina asked, and Maya didn’t move an inch. “Even when I hated you, I still loved you. I still thought about you, and when I thought I moved on, I was drawn right back to you. I don’t know if it was fate, or I was desperate for my kid to go to preschool without a fuss,” Maya let out a chuckle, and Carina smiled softly. “But I think you were always meant to be in my life.” 

Maya stared at her, “I’m sorry, Carina.” 

Carina nodded, “I know. But it hurt, and it was hard, and it still hurts me.” Carina played with her necklace, and she stared at Maya, “I tried so hard to get you out of my mind, and nothing worked. I could never stop thinking about you.” 

Maya nodded, “I never stopped thinking about you. Carina, everything I did, I did for reasons I sometimes am still unsure of, and I hate what I did to you. I hate how everything turned out for us, but I don’t want it to be the only way our story ends, or the reason we can’t even be friends. I changed, I worked on myself for years, and I sometimes still struggle, but I’m still working on it. I’m still fixing it, and I’m getting better with everything. If you want me in your life, then I’ll be there, and if you want me in Liam’s life, then I’ll be there. I’ll be there when you call, if you text, whenever, as long as you just say the words.” 

“I want you in our lives,” Carina said, and she watched Maya nod, then stand up and cross the living room. 

She knelt in front of Carina, “Then I’m here. I won’t leave until you tell me to.” Maya whispered, and she took Carina’s hands into her own. “I’m sorry, I’ve changed, and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that to you. I still love you, I’m still here when you need me, and that will never change.” 

Carina stayed quiet, and then she slowly slid off the couch and into Maya’s arms. Maya wrapped her arms around Carina, and she held her as close as she could without crushing her. “I still love you, too,” Carina whispered. 

Maya stayed that night, and she slept on the couch. Halfway through the night, she woke up to Carina tugging her up from the couch and upstairs. Carina placed her on one side of the bed, and in the morning, Carina had her face lightly resting on the side of Maya’s shoulder. Maya slept, and then when they both woke up, they talked more, and they came up with their plan. 

Maya and Carina would keep up their friendship until they both regained each other’s trust and proved they could both show up for each other. Maya would slowly spend more time at the Deluca household, get accustomed to being around Liam and gain Liam’s trust as well—which she already had—and prove she could show up for him and Carina both. When they could do that, they would date, and from there they would take it one step at a time. 

And that’s what they did. When Carina needed Maya, Maya was there in an instant. When Maya needed Carina, Carina showed up with Liam, usually in tow. They gained each other's trust and came to know each other again through moments spent drinking coffee or on walks together. 

It was Maya who finally got Liam to stop fussing so much when he went to preschool. She came to the preschool in her gear, fire helmet on her head, and she spoke to the children about fire safety. Liam introduced her as, “My best friend, firefighter Maya.” When the kids had questions about fires, they went to Liam, whom Maya had said was very knowledgeable. 

In the spring, Liam walked into the fire station with Carina behind him. Liam went into the kitchen and then whispered to Maya that he had an announcement to make. Maya lifted him on her shoulders, and he cleared his throat, “Excuse me! I have something to say!” He exclaimed. 

The firefighters looked at him, and Maya gave them all a look that made sure they’d pay attention to him. 

“I have preschool graduation next Friday, and you are invited to come watch me! I sing songs, dance, and talk!” Liam exclaimed. 

“Bambino, you don’t talk; the teachers do.” Carina corrected. 

Liam paused, “I sing songs and dance and listen!” Liam exclaimed. 

The firefighters clapped for him, and they told him they would make it if they could. Maya placed him on the ground, and Liam looked at her, “Maya, are you going to come?” 

Maya knelt and smiled, “Liam, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Maya said, then she placed her hand face up, and he lifted his hand before giving Maya a low-five. Maya ripped her hand away and shook it like she was in pain, “Man! You are just getting stronger by the minute!” 

Liam laughed, “I worked out.” He said, and that had Maya laughing so hard her face turned red. 

The day before his preschool graduation, a five-alarm fire was called in. Maya moved so fast, she forgot to text Carina, and by the time she was almost out of the thick of it, his graduation had started. 

Liam stood on stage, and he looked for Maya and Carina in the crowd. He found Carina but couldn’t find Maya, and he looked at Carina with furrowed brows. Carina shrugged at him, but gave him a thumbs-up. 

In her seat, Carina had been boiling. She had sent her thousands of messages, asking when she’d get there. She had saved four seats, all of which were now empty, and she fought to look happy for Liam. 

She watched his little face turn red on stage as he sat in his seat, and then she watched the tears fall down his face. Then she felt the tears come to her own eyes; she knew she’d cry today, she’d just thought it’d be for different reasons. And despite her anger, no bells rang in her head that said, “If you walk out that door, we’re done!” The only thing that rang through her head was a small prayer that she’d appear soon. 

Maya ran back to the truck, and she brushed the hair out of her face. The fire had died down now, and all that was left was cleanup. She ran to Andy, nearly tripping over her own feet. “Andy, I gotta go-” 

“Maya, you can’t just leave-” 

“Liam graduates today! He’s been talking about it all week, and I promised him I could come! I promised him I would be there! I have to go, please, Andy. I gotta go.” Maya begged. 

Andy looked around, “Hughes! Montgomery! Get a move on with Bishop! I want you back to the station after you take Maya to GrowingGarden. Dodo you understand me?” Andy asked. Both of them nodded, and they all made a run for the aid car. 

The kids performed their dance on stage, and Liam did it, and Carina could tell he was devastated. When they all sat down, they began to call names. It got to the B’s, and Carina still held out hope, and then to the C’s, and Carina bit her lip. Then they got to the D’s, and Carina filmed him. 

“Liam Deluca!” Liam walked forward, and his teacher knelt beside him. “Liam turns five in two days, and he says for his birthday, he hopes he gets a new firetruck! Liam was awarded the bravery award for his bravery this past year when facing several challenges throughout the year! When Liam grows up, he wants to be a firefighter.” Everyone cheered for him, including Carina, who whistled. 

Then, she heard Maya’s yelling and hollering from the back of the room. “Go, Liam! I’m so proud of you!” She shouted, then she heard Maya whistle loudly. Carina watched his entire face light up, and then he dropped his degree and ran down the stairs. 

Liam rushed down the aisle, and Maya barely had the time to catch him before he was in her arms. He wrapped both of his legs around her waist and his arms around her neck. “I thought you wouldn’t be here.” He whispered. 

“And miss you graduating? I told you once already, I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Maya whispered. Then she felt his tears hitting her neck and shirt, and she laughed sadly, “Oh buddy, it’s okay. I’m here, I made it. I’m sorry I was so late, I had a big fire to put out. I heard that you got an award for bravery. I’m so proud of you.” Maya held him, and Carina made her way out of the aisle and to Maya. 

She led them both out of the room, and Maya let herself let out a long breath. “Carina, I’m so sorry. I was going to get here early, I was, and then they called a five-alarm fire, and I’m so sorry. I’m so-” Then there were lips on hers, and she used one hand to hold up Liam, and the other to cup the side of Carina’s face. 

Carina pulled away, and she smiled, “You showed up.” 

“I wasn’t going to miss it. I promised.” Maya whispered, then she heard a low whistle. “Hughes, quit!” 

Liam’s head popped up, and despite the tears running down his face, he wiggled out of Maya’s arms and ran for Vic and Travis. He was lifted, and then Carina wrapped her arms around her. 

“I want you.” 

“I’m here, Carina.” 

“I want you forever.”

“I’m here forever then, Carina.” 

They rejoined the ceremony hand in hand, and Liam joined the stage. While everyone wore the cap on top of their heads, Liam wore a bright red fire helmet, and he performed his last song, beaming from ear to ear, smiling at Maya and Carina the entire time. 

The next morning, Maya groaned when Carina tried to leave the bed. “If you leave this bed, we’re soooo over.” She mumbled jokingly into the pillow. 

Carina snorted, “Yeah, right, Maya.” 

Maya grinned at her sleepily, “Yeah, you’re stuck with me forever.” Maya whispered. 

“Good, I want to keep it that way.” 

“Shut up, I’m sleeping!” Liam exclaimed, rolling back over into Maya. “Away, Mamma. Go be loud in a new room.” 

Maya snorted, and then Carina hit Maya with her pillow and left the room. There was no screaming, no yelling, no threats, just a slow morning filled with coffee,  French toast, and cartoons. Maya’s face was now full of light and life instead of the panic and anger Carina grew accustomed to, and for one, Carina woke up only thinking of Maya in the best light she could be placed in, with no haunting of the past.