Work Text:
I can't remember your voice, even less the sound of your laugh, little pieces of you that I still hold tightly, trying not to let the wind take them away from me. Still, I remember you, I remember running around the schoolyard, the fairy tales we told each other.
I remember when I was alone, none of the other kids wanted to talk to me and I used to walk slowly through the hallways, I couldn't bring myself to stay in the classroom, the noise and shouting use to disturb me, but still you came up to me, without hesitation, even though it was because you wanted something from me, I had it very clear, but I didn't care. There was a time when I would have given you anything, just for you to stay with me. You were always there, from the distance, you had your life, your things, but from time to time, you dedicated a little of it to me, and that end up being everything for me.
Now I look back in time and see how much that hurt me, reminding myself that the more I gave you, the less you seemed to love me, but if I didn't give anything, you would just leave me.
We have drifted apart. The both of us had their reasons, good reasons. But, in the end, I still miss you, the feeling of your hand in mine. Each of us went in separate ways. We haven't speak in a long time, even less see each other faces. What we used to be is gone, so many years ago, thousands of miles away from each other.
The day you left, we weren't close; we were a big friend group, cut in two. I believe that day, you left with a part of me. I have no idea what you have done with it. Maybe you threw it away in the journey, or maybe, just maybe, you still have it with you, hidden deep in your soul. Honestly, that doesn't matter, because I always carry you with me every day. There you are, deep in my heart, gently asleep, like a child; and you come to light from time to time, with a song, a book, a scent—the funniest and simple things of life that have the power to bring you back to my everyday thoughts.
Coincidences that tend to be ridiculous...
when I go to the store and see the same shampoo you used as a child.
when I'm at my grandma's house and she pulls on her daisy-patterned kitchen apron, those were your favorite flowers, that's the first thing I think.
when I hear on the radio that song you always hummed.
when I walk to the school and pass by the house you always liked, the one that we promised we would live in when we grew up, the two of us, together.
when I go downtown and I find myself looking for the apartment building where you used to live.
How I always remember your birthday and I feel an immense desire to wish you a happy birthday, to wish your wellbeing, but I don't have your number, I have no way of contacting you, or maybe it's that deep down I don't want to, maybe I'm afraid that you are no longer who I used to remember, that after all, my suspicions are true and my name no longer has a meaning to you.
I no longer resent you, although I know how much you hurt me and made me hurt others. From time to time you come up in conversation between our classmates, indiscreet whispers that reach to my ears, I know that what they say is true, they are right, but even in my heart there is only an immense love for you that I have nowhere to put, that I will never be able to give you and neither should I, because at the end of the day I am better without you, I no longer have to pretend that I believed everything you said or that I didn't like your sister. Perhaps the only way to regain my dignity was to stop following you around.
It's kind of funny how much love I can feel for someone who probably can't remember my name.
How much I care for you, and how much you hurt me.