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„AAAAAAAHHH!“ The yell was so loud that even Eskel, who was cleaning out the stables, paused for a moment. “Drama Queen”. Humming some folkish melody, he continued his work.
Vica, being in the old Kaer’s library with Vesemir, showing him her latest drawing of a Botchling, was utterly unimpressed.
“Wanna check that?” The old witcher asked her.
She simply shook her head. “No.”
“Could be important?”
Looking up from the parchment she gave Vesemir a mischievous smile. “Nope. This wasn’t an “urgent help is needed” cry but a typical example of “I want attention. Now.”. He’ll be here in probably five seconds anyway… So, do you think I got the tongue right?”
She was wrong. It took Lambert exactly eight seconds to enter the library. Vica and Vesemir exchanged a look before they eyed him.
“Is there any explanation for your silly behavior?” his mentor demanded.
Lambert, pressing his right hand against his right eyebrow darted him a deadly glance.
“I’ve looked directly into the deepest regions of hell.”
“Never took you for a poet.” Vica smiled before she stood up to remove his hand from his eyebrow to make sure that he wasn’t seriously injured. There was just a small bump above his eye, so she decided a light kiss would be a sufficient treatment. “Care to tell us what exactly happened?”
“I’d rather forget about it. But unfortunately what is seen cannot be unseen.” Lambert dropped on the bench next to the antique oak table where Vica and Vesemir had been working just moments ago.
“Lambert, you’ve made your point clear. Would you be so kind as to tell us what happened so that we can crack on as normal?” The tension in Vesemir’s voice was obvious. “Some Nekkers in a closet?”
“Fuck you, Vesemir. I’m not talking to you. What about you leave this room and be annoying elsewhere?”
Vesemir gave him a grave look. “One piece of advice, young man: If you keep being like that this lovely young lady won’t bother with you for much longer.” With that, he turned around and left.
“Was this really necessary?” Vica sighed before she sat down next to Lambert.
He flashed his devilish grin. “Yes. Would you listen now?”
She nodded.
“So, I entered Geralt’s room and…”
“What did you want there?”
“That’s not important, is it? I was going to say that…”
“Of course it’s important. In every good story there needs to be a reason for the protagonists’s actions.” She nodded to emphasize her point.
“You’re an annoying little pup today. Listen. I wanted to play some Gwent with him. So I entered his room and there they were. I mean, he and Yennefer. Naked. Doing… it.”
Vica still didn’t seem to be impressed. “You know that Yennefer’s here. What about knocking before entering someone’s room? By the way, you’re a Witcher. What about your superhuman abilities? Is your hearing excepted from that?”
His eyes narrowed. “Shut up. She used a spell or whatever. But, don’t you understand? I saw Geralt’s ass. My eyes, Vica! My virgin eyes!”
Every attempt on composing herself was now in vain, she burst out laughing. “First of all: There’s no virginity in you since – what? 50 years? 60? Second: It was just an ass. Get over it. You’ve surely seen worse.”
Lambert grimaced while he fiddled with Vica’s drawing. “I highly doubt that. Even a Botchling is a sublime beauty compared to Geralt’s ass. I really hope not to see such an abomination ever again.”
“What about that bump over your eye?”
“Well, I ran in on them, I screamed, Yennefer threw a candlestick, while trying to avoid it I hit my eye on the doorframe.”
Vica tried her best to look affected. “What rotten luck. Anything I could do to solace you?”
Lambert pondered for a moment before his ususal devilish grin found the way to his lips.
“Indeed. Remember that one lesson in Oxenfurt you told me about? That you can fight one thing with its contrary? Get undressed. Now. I need a nice view to forget about that atrociousness I’ve witnessed before.”
Vica smirked. “I’m dead certain that’s not what Baccalaureus Dolt meant with this sentence. And I won’t get naked in the library in the middle of the day. By the way…”, she caressed his cheek, “with that nasty wound above your eye and given what you just had to endure, what you really need is some rest, not a naked woman.” With a quick smile she walked out of the library, leaving Lambert more than a little salty.