Work Text:
Stars were fleeting in the night sky just as Alexander’s thoughts were.
When the sun rises, Alexander rises with it. The steady streams of light would illuminate his room like he was on the peak of Mt. Olympus. The cool New York breeze would blow in through his window and bless his sweaty face with reprieve. Today, though, he woke up entangled in something other than his own bed sheets. The steady rhythm of someone else’s heartbeat echoed slightly in his eardrums. The rise and fall of a sturdy chest almost lulled him back to sleep.
It was almost 10am but he wanted to stay in his bed forever.
He shifted his position to get a better look at the peaceful face of Aaron Burr. Months passed since their encounter in the bank but the sound of a gunshot still makes Aaron shrivel up and hide. In the first few nights, Aaron would hear the sound in the streets and he would dive straight into the closet. Alex had to coerce him several times until Aaron learned that there was no safer place than out of the closet and into Alexander’s arms.
Still, he lived in a neighborhood teeming with street crime that Alex learned to sleep through. Aaron, unfortunately, never grew up that way. Which was fine, to say the least, because it gave Alex an excuse to hold Aaron closer before they slept. He was smaller and more vulnerable with that awful sound ringing through the air. He never understood why but if Aaron didn’t want to talk about it, Alex was content with holding him until his sobs subsided.
The sunlight soon crept slowly along the bed and shined upon Aaron’s features which encased him in an ethereal glow. He was beautiful, gorgeous, and Alex did not deserve him. His rough hands did not deserve to run his fingertips along his smooth arms. His hair did not deserve the soft and delicate touch he often received. His lips didn’t deserve to be kissed the way Aaron kissed him. He held his hand once on that fateful night and soon they were inseparable.
The events of that night at the bank turned his whole life around. From how Aaron used to talk and how he talked now, Aaron’s life took a sharp turn as well. Alex didn’t know what drew him to the huddled man in the corner of the dark vault.
Someone under stress meets someone looking pretty.
He didn’t know what got him carrying his feet towards him. This stranger, who was so close to his breaking point, looked like the only stranger that mattered. He wanted to tell him there were worse things that could happen. He wanted to shake his hand, introduce himself, and share with him their shared ticking biological clock, a bomb ready to explode. His head spun when he sat down next to him. His eyes held a familiar warmth he knew he impossibly hasn’t felt in centuries.
Death was the only thing they could talk about. Death doesn’t discriminate, he told him. He told him he was not afraid and Alex responded that he was prepared. Fireworks, night skies, cold vaults, silence, silence, silence, these were the words that scattered throughout his mind. The silence was familiar, like an old friend back from war. The silence was comforting, like the smile that hid an inside joke in the middle of the night. The silence was an itch at the back of Alexander’s throat he couldn’t get rid of.
Yet he relished in the silence he shared with that stranger, the one he would soon call his lover, his life, his everything. The silence was a practice. The silence was the static air between them when they would go out to eat. The silence was the steady feeling of Aaron’s thumb rubbing circles on the back of his hand in the bed that was too small for even one person but somehow was able to fit the both of them. The silence was Aaron’s breath against his lips on a colder night in November.
The silence, however, was not always pleasant.
The silence would sometimes be Alex waking up alone in his apartment after a big fight. The silence would be waiting hours beside the telephone wondering who could call first. The silence would be the sobs wracking through his body, unaware that Aaron was sharing that moment miles away. Sometimes the silence would be Alex only hearing his ragged breathing in the dead of night as he ran as fast as he could to Aaron’s apartment.
Sometimes the silence would grant them another thing to smile about. But today was not that day. He could only describe the movie in his dreams as a memory. It felt so much like a memory that there was no possible way that it could not be real. Maybe when he said he imagined death so much it felt more like a memory, he wasn’t actually imagining it. He was remembering it. He suddenly remembered the gunshot, the early morning sky, the warm blood, and the wretched, cold cry of someone yelling:
Wait!
He felt his tears prickle the corner of his eyes because the sunshine was already up. He felt them fall periodically against Aaron’s sculpted chest but he at least had control over his breathing. Aaron wasn’t the only one who practiced crying silently until no one could hear him. But the despair was so familiar that even Aaron couldn’t ignore it. Misery loves company, they said. However, Alexander felt something more than just misery.
“Alexander?” Aaron Burr, sir.
“Is everything alright?” That would be nice.
“Alexander, talk to me. You’re starting to scare me.” I have to throw away my shot.
Do not throw away your shot.
He hugged him as tight as he could. His arms wound around Aaron’s torso as much as he could and he couldn’t quite hold it in anymore. He whispered words to the point of senselessness that he didn’t even notice Aaron practically cradle him close until they were in a sitting position. With Alex on his lap, he whispered soft reassurances into his ear. None of his words could make him feel better as they did before. He felt pain, anger, fear, and sorrow all mashed up into one.
He felt them all as he allowed himself to look up into the eyes of his killer.
Except, Aaron wasn’t his killer. Aaron wasn’t the one who shot him right between his ribs and didn’t bother to get close to him. His Aaron would never be that person. He wouldn’t be the person to take every whim of his aching heart and stomp it with a single press of the trigger. He wouldn’t.
His Aaron Burr smiled at the cracks in the walls that had somehow grown tiny vines. His Aaron Burr would hold his hand in the rain because they forgot to bring an umbrella. His Aaron Burr would smile at him like he was his entire universe. His Aaron Burr was the guy who would pet every stray cat that approached him no matter how many times Alex told him not to. His Aaron Burr was afraid of gunshots.
His Aaron Burr was afraid of gunshots.
It all made sense to him now. The way his eyes would darken in fear and his hands would shake as if he was afraid of holding anything. Alex has spent months wiping his sweaty forehead of holding his hands in his own. The energy that he would expel was something different. Sometimes it didn’t even feel like fear. The way his eyes darted from side to side and how his breath would be shallow with each inhalation felt a lot more like guilt.
The only problem was, did Aaron remember it too? That one, Alex wasn’t so sure of. How could you fully remember your past life? It just so happened that Alex was one of those people. Was it some sort of sick twisted way for the universe to tell him that the love of his life was just an enemy? Was it the stars that so consumed the night sky telling him that this beautiful stranger was nothing less than the scum of the earth?
Yet, even in his dreams, his memories, he knew he never saw him as a true enemy. Enemies, he had in big poofy hair and purple velvet suits, but he never had in warm brown eyes and a burgundy coat. Friends, he had in freckled faces and french accents, he also had in tired eyes in the middle of the night. His past self was obsessed with this thing called legacy and betrayal at his own hands and in his own bed.
In his memories, he only ever considered Burr as a friend. He was also once a stranger to him at 19 years old at a harbor like he was a stranger to him in the dim light of the bank vault. A stranger can easily become an enemy but they can just as easily become the most important person in the universe. Alexander wanted to know if Aaron thought the same. And Alex thought that Aaron was more than just important to him.
He felt that it was important that they met again.
They weren’t close to a war now but there were fights to be fought and their own internal battles to be won. Forgiveness. What was there to forgive? He has forgiven him a long time ago but it just took awhile for it to get to Aaron. He could only imagine how much Aaron has suffered, whether he knew it or not, because he killed him in a past life. “I’m fine now. Much better,” He whispered with a genuine smile. His Aaron scanned his face for a moment before he placed a gentle kiss on Alexander’s forehead.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Later.”
Aaron buried his nose into Alex’s hair with a fond smile. “Why later? Why not now?”
“Because right now,” He placed his palm on Aaron’s cheek and looked at him properly. He was still beautiful. Maybe the past Alexander has forgiven him now because the present Alexander wanted nothing more than to love Aaron Burr the way he deserved. That would be enough. “I want to hold you, kiss you, tell you how much I love you, and make you remember why I’m still here with you.”
“Why are you still here with me then, love?”
Because I’ve forgiven a person that the me from years ago has fallen in love with but was too scared to do what I do with you now. I’ve continued a story I thought had ended. “ Someone has to be with you. Even if you don’t want me to.” Aaron tilted his head and stared at his boyfriend for what felt like hours but Alex didn’t mind. They had time to figure it out. Alex had more time than he ever had before. When he’s ready, he’ll be ready to tell him but for now, he just wants to be with him like he never could back then.
“I want you to.” Then he kissed him in another silence they shared that they could smile about once more.
Their story was not really over. They just had to pick up a pen and write another chapter.