Work Text:
Monster
I've always been this way. Tall, gangly and awkward. Nothing's changed.
Still bad with girls, geeky, a Star Wars fan and still in love with Clary. But in another way. Ok, maybe I lied. Something did change.
Don't get me wrong, I love Clary, she's my best friend. But it's more like a..brotherly affection. Is that weird? I mean, I was in love with her for, I think, my whole life? And now I see her as a sister. I don't know why, it just became like that.
I believe at one point whe I almost drained her, cause I was still trying to gain control over myself after I became a vampire, it just was crystal clear for me. Jace was made for her. He's always there when I am with her. I can't blame him, I also want him to be there, just in case.
But it was not just because of Jace, that made me realize my shrinking love towards Clary . It was something else. Or rather someone else.
Someone I would have never thought of. I was still pretty new to the blood-drinking-thing (still squeamish to use the word 'vampire'), so I didn't have any or little control about myself and Raphael-well, let's not talk about him.
But..I needed blood. I didn't want either Clary or Isabelle or even Jace to be my lunch/dinner even though they insisted. But of course HE had to ruin my whole plan.
Alec. This man, this shadowhunter-..ugh.
He drives me crazy with his tall, muscular physique. His stern, brilliant blue eyes, the exotic runes tracing his pale body, his wild raven-black hair that I want to run my hand through. Wanting to feel the softness of it.
Just every fucking thing about this guy drives me absolutely crazy. Not only the sweet smell of his blood but just the way he is. I mean, I know he hates me. He makes it very clear but i just can't help but feel attracted to him.
I'm fascinated by this man.
His strict ideals and morals, his stubborness that makes me want to bang my head against the nearest wall, his overprotectiveness and the passion he puts into everything. He either hates or loves, there's no in between and his incredible calmness and control he has in every situation is..mesmerizing.
Yeah, that's a good word to describe Alec. Simply msemerizing.
I know he hates me cause I'm a nerd, weak, a mundane (well, not anymore) but he also hates me because I'm a vampire, a daylighter, a..monster. That's what I am. A weak, repulsive monster.
I can't even control myself properly. I'm a danger for everybody who's around me.
Alec's right, I am weak. Couldn't even save Clary, it was Jace in the end.
And now here I am, drowning in self-pity.
I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. I'm sitting on a park bench, in the middle of the night, thinking about random stuff that's going through my head. But it's true, I'm never going to be anything but invisible next to Alec or Jace. I was just..me. Plain, boring, awkward and not very interesting at all with my messy curls of brown hair, big brown eyes, framed by nerdy glasses which I'm basically blind without. I wouldn't call myself ugly, but also not exactly handsome. Just average.
Well, not everybody can look hot 24/7 like Alec..or Jace.
By the way, I never even knew that I was bi but Alec can turn anything and anyone gay without even realizing it and that's the amazing thing about him. He doesn't even know how beautiful he is or what he does to some people. It makes me want to scream it in his face how goddamn stunning he is..literally. I wish I could tell him every day how amazing he is and what he does to me and to my poor heart when he's around. I just turn into a stuttering mess and my heart beats ten times faster when he touches me, even when it's just an accidental brush of hands which makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.
My face heats up when I think about the times when I lay in bed, dreaming about how it would be like to feel alec's warm body beside me, his strong scarred arms around my waist, his scent invading my senses and the feeling of his lips against mine. I bet they're soft.
But when I wake up in the morning the cold reality hits me, like a slap in the face and it makes me realize that this is never going to happen. Because who could love someone like me. A monster.