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The aftermaths of battles are always tough for everyone.
The dirt, sweat and blood are everywhere – even in places where they shouldn’t be – and it could take days to get yourself properly clean again. Usually there are also injured people – sometimes even civilians – that might need help. And it probably goes without saying that everyone is tired.
There is always the same routine that everyone is used to; make sure everyone is alive and well, help and rescue people if they need it, check if the enemy isn’t going back to unexpectedly attack again (they learned that the hard way) and when everything is alright go back to Mazmus to take care of themselves and rest for as long as possible (which usually isn’t long).
But this time something felt… off.
As soon as the chaos started calming down Arthur couldn’t shake off the feeling that something wasn’t right.
Which was stupid, of course, because everything has gone well – or at least as well as it could in that situation. No one seemed to be seriously hurt, somehow not many civilians got involved and everything went smoothly. He hadn’t had any reason to feel so uneasy.
So he simply decided to ignore that feeling until it disappears – something he did with most of his unwanted feelings.
He stood and was about to start that well remembered routine, so they could go back to Mazmus quicker, when something clicked in his mind.
The very first step was always to make sure everyone is alright. Usually that meant calling out to each other and waiting for response.
The thing is, most of the time you could hear one person doing it, no matter what.
Apollo.
But now he couldn’t hear him and when Arthur realized that, the silence that was supposed to be filled with his voice felt almost deafening.
He quickly looked around hoping to see Apollo somewhere. He probably was with Tyler or Genesis or anyone else, or started checking everyone’s well-being in silence this time for some reason. If that’s the case he’ll soon show up next to him to annoy him about his condition and other stuff too, and Arthur won’t have to – won’t have to what? Search for this idiot? Because no, he wasn’t worried, he was just a little surprised he didn’t see him yet, that’s all. Nothing deeper. Just simple curiosity.
But as he kept looking around he noticed Tyler, Genesis, Spencer and everyone else – and still no sight of Apollo. For some reason that made the pit in his stomach grow bigger and his heart beat faster.
Something was very wrong – he could feel it deep in his bones.
He started walking between the buildings – not running only by the sheer amount of self-control and quiet fear that he might miss something he possessed – but still saw nothing.
The cold panic started to overtake him – the kind where you were so panicked you seemed so calm.
“Apollo!” he started calling out as he started moving faster, franticly looking everywhere he could for the man, not caring that he probably looked like a madman. He just couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was running out of time, that if he didn’t find him quickly enough something horrible, horrible would happen.
Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that his scream and overall behavior gained attention of the rest of the squad. They started looking around and yelling something – probably Apollo’s name – which was good, because the more people were looking for him the higher chance of finding him quickly was. He knew that, of course, but at the same time he was too focused on searching on his own to care about any of them or to know what exactly they were doing.
There was this tiny voice in his head that just kept saying that if he won’t find him he’ll fail both himself and Apollo. It kept repeating that over and over and over and over again.
This voice was something that was there for a long time - for as long as he could remember if he was being honest. It was always saying different things to him.
Usually they were about what he did wrong, what was wrong with him, what others might think about him or about worst possible scenarios of what might happen.
Sometimes it was helpful - it helped him improve - but most of the time that voice – that was far too familiar to his father’s voice for Arthur’s likening – was saying such horrible things to him that it made him want to give up on it all, run away or just hide in some dark, tight place that almost felt like arms wrapped around him if he focused on it and closed his eyes hard enough.
He didn’t know when Apollo became important enough in his life that this voice could outright torment him with this fact.
When did he give ammunition dangerous like that to the world - and to his mind - to hurt him with?
His mind kept spiraling into panic with the voice clearly heard in the background, no matter how hard he tried to stop it and get his shit together.
Finally – not really knowing how he got there – he stopped in front of the ruins of the building that must have fallen at some point in the battle.
He didn’t know what led him there but he felt like it might be the right place. For what? He didn’t know. But he was about to find out, whether he liked it or not.
He stood there - barely half a second - when he thought he saw something move under a pile of debris and he was set into motion again.
He could feel his hands trembling, his heart beating like he was about to have a heart attack – and maybe he was – and his eyesight getting blurry – was it from sweat, unshed tears or stress he didn’t know.
A cold fear has fallen upon him, the kind that made your blood freeze in veins and the world stop around you, as he quickly got on his knees trying to dig up whatever – whoever – might be buried there, not caring for the way he probably scratched his knees and was almost breaking his fingers trying to lift pieces of concrete way too heavy for him.
His breathing quickened, his muscles burned, his eyes were red and puffy as he prayed to whatever god was up there, whatever was willing to listen to him that he was mistaken and Apollo was not under there, that it was just some sick joke that his brain played on him again. He was willing to give up everything just to make sure Apollo was safe.
As he started to feel blood on his hands from all the sharp pieces he accidentally hurt himself with, he heard a voice. A voice that was so different from the voice in his head, that was usually so soft, so bright that made him feel like everything was going to be alright, a voice that he so many times wondered how could belong to a person who witnessed so much pain in life already, yet still managed to keep going.
Now this voice managed to stop him and ringing in his ears with only one word.
“Arthur?” voice said in a way too familiar manner – though, this time there was also a hint of concern in it.
It took way too long for Arthur to turn around and look in the face of this voice, too afraid of what he’ll see or – in even worse scenario – what or, to be clear, who he won’t see.
But he was taught all his life that he had to face his fears, that in his life there was no place for being afraid.
So when he finally gathered courage to look at where this voice was coming from he was expecting the worst possible scenario.
Then, he felt like he saw a ghost. And maybe he saw one, maybe his eyes were deceiving him once again or he started hallucinating, because there was no way in the world that what – who – he saw standing in front of him was true. It was too good to be true and good things like that didn’t happen to him. They just didn’t, it was as obvious as the fact that sky is blue and grass is green.
But then voice spoke up again.
“Arthur?” it repeated and this time it was full of worry, but still, Arthur felt like it was the best thing he heard all his life, like if this was the only thing he heard till the end of the world he would be happy.
He probably looked like he was insane at that moment, not saying anything, just looking with disbelief.
But he felt that his reaction was justified, because there, right in front of him, in the sunlight of the afternoon sun like some kind of dream come true was standing Apollo.
Dirty, tired and worried, but Apollo nether less.
Apollo.
Alive.
Not in the dirt he was digging through, not somewhere bleeding out but in front of him, bathed in warm sunlight.
Arthur saw him, heard him but still didn’t quite believe that he was real, couldn’t quite grasp it.
Apollo then walked closer to him, slowly, like to some kind of wild animal.
Maybe that was all that he was in that moment – a wild animal not believing something good could happen to it.
“Are you alright?” Apollo said as he touched his shoulder.
This small gesture, this small touch was all that it took to make Arthur believe that he was, in fact, real and not just his imagination.
He moved into action quickly - not really knowing what he was doing, or how to name it but feeling that this was what he needed in that moment - and fell onto
Apollo so fast it made him stumble backwards before he gained his balance again.
Arthur wouldn’t care even if they fell to the ground, it didn’t matter to him.
All that mattered right now was that Apollo was alive, warm, breathing between his arms.
He hugged him tightly, with desperation, holding onto his clothes, onto him like he would disappear if he let go even slightly.
When he felt Apollo slowly, carefully hugging him back he started shaking again with tears falling out of his eyes like waterfall.
“I thought you were dead” he said barely audible with face buried in Apollo’s shoulder – probably wetting his clothes and armor. “I thought I lost you. Don’t do that again, please. Please. Please don’t leave me here alone, please don’t die.”
As these words were uncontrollably leaving his mouth between sobs, he could feel that arms around him tightened so much it could rival his own grip on Apollo.
It all was terrifying but now, in warm embrace, with a hand that was drawing soothing circles on his back he knew it all would be okay.
They both would be okay as long as they’ve got each other.
Maybe he didn’t fail them after all.
“Don’t do that never again. Please.” He pleaded again. He didn’t care how vulnerable he was right now, that he showed a side of himself that he barely showed anymore these days – a side of him that cared too much. He just needed Apollo to understand what he was saying, the weight of these words.
“Never again” Apollo responded quietly, softly. “Never again”
And nothing could hurt them.
Never again.
And they were safe.
Never again.
And nothing could separate them.
Never again.
And it all would be alright.
Never again.
Two simple words that carried the weight of the unspoken promise they would never break, if it was up to them.
Never again.